Well, I'm still here... just biding time. The clomid crazies took over on the weekend. I swear, something about the 3rd day of clomid (CD5) ALWAYS puts me over the edge. My ND says it is estrodial. Well mine must have been soaring high. I didn't even feel in control of my own body. I was so angry, and anxious, and yet zoned out at the same time too. I couldn't even muster up a smile. It was a horrible day. Thankfully that is over.
I feel pretty emotionally detached from this cycle. I really don't expect it to work. In fact, I don't expect it to work so much that I am wondering why we were even going through with it. I feel like we just have to do one more try. Like, we couldn't NOT try, considering how far we've come. I don't know why I feel that way, because even if this cycle does fail, there is still lots of hope that another try might work. Somewhere in my mind, though, this is the last try. I think I feel finished with all of this. In a way, I am hoping this cycle will fail and I will have the permission to "give up." We can tell the world that we just can't have children and go on with our lives.
Really, I'm just sick and tired of feeling the way I do and if we could find a way to carry on with treatments without feeling so horrible, I definitely would try. I just don't see that as a possibility right now. Added to this is a whole bunch of stress DH is going through with all of these assignments he has to hand in. It's not just getting the work done - basically he is having a crisis of faith. And that doesn't work well when you are pastor of a church! Also our finances are pretty stretched, and my job is (most likely) ending in October. Eek! So we are considering having students move in again with us (homestay program), though we REALLY don't want to do it! It's just that the extra income would be grand. Unless I find a kick-ass job in the meantime. But with all that is going on, I don't have the motivation to look for jobs or sell myself. I don't even feel passion for my job half of the time. I don't feel passion for anything right now. And I really, really, really just wish I did...
Oh, and I head to the city on Sunday for a CD13 ultrasound. IUI should be early next week.
I'm so sorry you're feeling like this...just know you're not alone. There were several times during treatment when I wanted to just throw in the towel. I made a "contact" with my hubs. We decided how long and what we would do for treatment. Every time I wanted to give up, he would remind me of what we agreed to and I would carry on. If it wasn't for his support, I would have given up and crawled into a hole....
ReplyDeleteYou have to do what is right for you. You have to set your limits. This may be it. I know it's a hard place to be in....keeping you in my thoughts and prayers!!!
Oh Hun,
ReplyDeleteI totally know how you are feeling. It is very, very hard to find the strength to continue on. Unless you have been there, no one knows how stressful and demanding treatments are. They max you out in every possible way. Take this as your last cycle - for now - then maybe give yourselves time. Whatever time you need to just be. Then, when you are ready again...start a new cycle. Try to stay positive...you were succesful once..maybe 3 times a charm? *Hugs*
Hang in there. It is hard to hold onto hope sometimes. And, I'm not sure it's always important to. When I felt the way you do now, I tried to think of it as my subconcious forming some self protection...a harder shell.
ReplyDeleteI will continue to hope, though, that things turn around for you soon, in all parts of your life. Take care.
Day 3 of clomid was always the worst. You have so much on your plate right now. Maybe don't give up, just take a break? Get things in order and take your life off hold. Reconnect and get back to a better place mentally and emotionally. Hang in there hon. Sending lots of love and Hugz! Keeping you in my thoughts and prayers.
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