To share, or not to share...

As promised, I wanted to share a bit about my dear husband (DH) and our relationship, and how it relates to this blog.  It is actually quite a timely post (but more about that later).

When I first started this blog, I was struggling quite a lot and DH and I were not at the same place.  It was hard and I really felt all alone.  I had also not really discovered the ALI community and how supportive it can be.  I think there were times when I let this blog be a vent for my feelings towards my husband.  I was trying to look back to find an example, but I couldn't, so maybe I didn't vent as much as I felt like I did.  I think the harder times were before I started this blog, and DH was not as "urgent" about the process of having a baby as I was. 

Anyways, there have been many times I have wanted to share what I write with my husband.  But he doesn't want to hear it.  At first it was because during the times I was really struggling, he hated to see me sad and down.  I think he felt like reading my downer thoughts would bring him down too, or make him more upset that I was not doing okay.  I still tried to communicate my thoughts to him but, as a few of you have mentioned, sometimes that is easier in writing (as opposed to sitting on the bed bawling with snot running down your face, trying to get some words out).

Lately, I have extended the offer for DH to read my posts but he says he doesn't want to.  His reply is, "No, this is your space and I want to respect your privacy."  I'm not sure if he thinks this a complete bitch-fest against him and he's worried to read (haha, jk) or if he still finds it too hard to face.

Today I had a bit of an answer to that question.

It all started yesterday when I made reference to the fact that we have to make the 3 hour drive for a check-up U/S on Monday.  We had already discussed this and DH did not oppose at the time.  However, yesterday he all of a sudden acted like it was the first he had heard of it, and came out with the fact that he had not approved of me going for the baseline U/S in the first place, etc. etc.  It turned into an ugly battle.

This morning we talked about it again on the way to work.  I was trying to be as neutral and outside of the problem as possible, to figure out what was going on.  Was it a communication breakdown?  Was it major difference in opinions?  Was it sadness?  Was it feeling not supported?

It turns out, that in actuality, DH is having a really, really, really hard time with it right now.  I think more than ever in our journey so far, he is struggling.  Lately he has been noticing how much the world (and our community especially) is geared towards young families and kids.  Every child is suddenly in his scope of vision.  Every dumb parent's actions are magnified.  Really, he is grieving in a huge way (and, for the first time, openly).

The only problem is this.  DH described that in his brain is one large file folder that contains all his problems.  They are not compartmentalized.  All of them are lumped together.  Lately, he has been under a lot of stress at work with the church.  There is stress in our extended family (both sides).  There is stress in our marriage because of everything.  All this stress is being lumped together and it is hard for him to distinguish which feelings go with which problem.  And so... what happens is he lets out his feelings about his church problem, for example, but addresses it towards me and what is going on with our fertility.  Sure, some of the feelings cross over.  But there is so much emotion in him, he can't properly channel it.  Thus, I end up getting the brunt end of things because he feels more comfortable with sharing his feelings with me, than the other people who are causing his problems.

So you can see why this blog has remained more "private," for lack of a better word.  I would love for DH to read and see my perspective on things.  I think it would actually help provide him with some hope because things never seem as bad once they have been expressed in words.  But he can't.  Not right now.

I'm not really sure why I needed to share that, but I really wanted to.  I'm not looking for pity... now that I can see what is going on, I feel much more understanding of his words towards me (though in the moment it is sometimes hard to hold back the tears).  I guess I share, because I feel there must be others out there who need to hear this.  I hear lots of great things about husbands supporting their ladies through the IF journey.  And don't get me wrong... DH has been INCREDIBLY supportive during some of my most tough times.  But I think that guys grieve very differently than girls.  There are probably many more suffering guys out there than we even see.  I would love to hear more of their stories!  DH said today that he suffers in silence.  Yes, partially it is because he doesn't let others know about his burdens (which is true of most guys).  Yes, there are things that he could do to communicate more openly with me so that these fights could be avoided.  Yes, we could both use some support and a counsellor would probably be a very good idea for us...

But this is where he is at.  This is his journey.  It's not my job to come in and make a plan and get him out of this space...  For now, I need to just be there with him.