I wrote this post yesterday as these thoughts were mulling about in my head, but wanted to sleep on it before I posted.
First of all, I know that nothing in life is certain, and as much as I want to allow myself to celebrate and be excited for this baby, I am aware that a pregnancy now does not always mean taking home a baby in 9 months. For that reason, I will continue to blog about my journey and infertility. I will be talking about my pregnancy, but I will not be posting belly pics or ultrasound pics or anything like that. I know that I have loved to see other IFers who have become pregnant and read about their experiences. It really gave me hope and a glimpse of what it would be like "on the other side." I know that sometimes, though, it was hard to read of others' joy while I was suffering. I will continue to faithfully follow all the friends I have made here and root you on. If you need some space from me, though, I totally understand. It feels a bit weird even writing that to people I've never met, but I think you all get it.
The other thing is this. Yesterday, when I was filled with anxiety about the outcome of this pregnancy, I realized something. I still am holding on to a lot of bitterness about infertility. Just because I'm pregnant now does not mean that all the hurt and pain is gone away. I know this because just this week I've heard of 3 new pregnancy announcements, and a few people who are trying. On top of that is the recent surprise pregnancy of my sister. As much as I rejoice with those I love, I still feel a pang of jealousy whenever someone flippantly announces that there's another "bun in the oven." I hurt because they will never know what it was like for me. I hurt because I am jealous and wish that was me. I hurt because I struggled for so long all alone. And a miraculous pregnancy does not instantly "cure" all those feelings.
Don't get me wrong. I am so super excited. Excited like I have never been before. My husband keeps telling me I need to control myself, haha. It's like I've finally given in to the desires and cravings and wants that I have had on hold for SO LONG! I feel revitalized by it. I feel like I am stepping out anew full of life and vigor (despite my fatigue). It's hard to explain, but I'm so glad I feel this way. A while ago I posted about being scared that I wouldn't feel like this when it was my turn. But I do. And I hope that gives you who are waiting hope too.
You won't be posting those pictures at all? :( I'm making separate pages for the pictures so there are no ultrasounds or belly pics in my RSS feed or on my main page, so only people who want to see them will see them - which is a lot of people actually! Even before I got pregnant I loved seeing IFers baby bumps!
ReplyDeleteWhen I first got pregnant I was afraid of what to write on my blog, but a lot of people (even people still in the trenches) said, just write what you want to write. Readers will stay if they can, and if they can't then they will find other blogs. But this is YOUR space. It's one thing to be respectful (like putting the potentially painful pictures in another spot) and another thing to censor yourself. So don't feel guilty about complaining about nausea when it happens if you feel the need - because that is a part of your experience.
I'm so happy to hear you're letting yourself be excited!!!
Thanks Robin, that's a great point. Yeah, maybe another page will be nice for that kind of thing (especially the bump). I never liked seeing other people's ultrasound pictures... it just felt like "wow, there's a blob of something that doesn't even look like a baby..." Haha! But I will continue to let this be my space. I more want to start a separate blog so that I can share with friends and family and keep this one private (don't need everyone to know all the details of DH and my baby-making life, haha).
ReplyDeleteBeen having the exact same thoughts. Just as you and many have told me, as long as you're sensitive, I believe that it is possible to blog about pregnancy on an infertility blog. The reality is, after living with this disease, we are forever changed. I will always consider myself infertile, even if this pregnancy works out. And talking about that is important, as too many people believe that once you're pregnant, infertility goes away.
ReplyDeleteAt this point, I have no plans for posting belly shots. But I am thinking about whether to post ultrasound photos and progress on a separate page for those who want to see. My main page will still be my space. But I remember all too well coming upon infertility-turned-pregnancy blogs where everything where everything was "yay I'm pregnant . . . look at me grow!" while I had just received another BFN or was struggling with the reality that I would never be able to conceive.
In short, do what you feel is best for you.
Like the other ladies said - I think first and foremost, you need to be true to yourself. This is YOUR space to do with what you want/need. You are writing for an audience, but it isn't an intended audience - if that makes any sense. People can choose to read or not. For me, my blog has been my space to simply let it all out...let it be what it needs to be. And - as you know, there has been many a day where I just needed to get all my crap out there 'into the universe' if you will. Don't worry...you'll always have a few to give you a virtual hug or two if you need it!
ReplyDeleteSo happy you are able to celebrate this pregnancy and that IF hasn't robbed you of that time. It's taken 9 weeks- but I think I'm almost there!
Maybe you can make a different page for pics. Do what you want to do! I know there are lots of people out there that would love to see pics! Hoping you can really celebrate and enjoy this pregnancy!
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