Lately I am having a hard time feeling happy. I know there are lots of good things in my life. I have wonderful days like today where I get to spend the day at home, knit, drink tea, cuddle by the fire, and have time to myself. These are things that I normally love. I have a good job that I am grateful for and really enjoy. I have loving family around me and friends who support me. However lately even my favorite things seem lackluster. I get bored spending time alone. I dread going to work (even though I enjoy it when I'm there). I don't want to see friends and family. I keep on taking time for "me" - time to take care of me, to do things that I like - but it doesn't seem to make me feel any better. I appreciate the things that I get to do and the time I get to myself but I don't know if it is helping. When I am alone I crave friendship and people around me. When I am with people I can't wait to be alone. It's not a fun way to live. I have bursts of desire to join some action group and pour myself into something meaningful (for example, the Kony2012 campaign that's all over right now). I wonder if I'm living out the life that God wants me to, and if my self-focus is getting in the way. I'm familiar with depression and its effects, and my situation could be explained away by that, but I know myself and I don't feel "depressed" like I have at other times in my life.
Above all, I wonder what will happen if/when I do get pregnant. Will I suddenly be happy, or will this bland feeling prevail? Is this just about not having a baby, or is it about more? I really don't know the answer to that question. And so, I plod on, hoping a baby will come and then we'll see from there.
I could have wrote this exact post. I honestly can say you are not alone in how you are feeling. I have those same feelings about people and alone time as well as wondering if I'll ever experience a pregnancy. I'm so sorry that you are experiencing this too.
ReplyDeleteLately, I've found keeping extremely busy or at least active helps. I've picked up yoga which is doing a great job helping my mood and body. I've also been seeing a counselor which I'm surprised I'm enjoying. I'm here if you ever want to talk. We should exchange emails, especially since we're so close!
I relate to what you're feeling. I feel like I'm in the same emotional place as you. Everything seems...blah. I'm not sure how to snap out of it.
ReplyDeleteI hope things start to look better to you soon.
I don't know what to say, except that I feel ya. I am no longer the happy-go-lucky girl I used to be and often wonder if I ever will be again. We have to hold out hope that we will be, though. We will be.
ReplyDeleteThanks ladies. It is good to know I'm not alone in this place. Sometimes it feels like IF has robbed me of so much more than just a baby. I do hope to get back to a place where I can enjoy what life has for me.
ReplyDeleteYeah, that all sounds about right to me. It's a strange feeling. I've been depressed before, and it's not quite depressed, it's something else I can't quite put my finger on. Like depression, but not...I think a lot of introspection and then we crave friendships of those who can understand, and we miss the way we were before. It takes a lot from us. Hang in there hun.
ReplyDeleteAre you reading my mind?! I totally get wanting to be around people and when you are you want to be alone. It is all so confusing. Hang in there! Hugz!
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