Lately I have come to realize that I am not alone in the blogosphere in how I am feeling. I think there is a phenomena that needs a name. There are many around me who are struggling with difficult feelings after going through infertility, conceiving, giving birth, and then being faced with whether or not to TTC again. Hapa Hopes just wrote a post about this. Liz at Compromised Fertility recently found out she is expecting after having twins. Lanie just gave birth to her second, a "natural" pregnancy after not knowing whether she would be able to conceive on her own again. It's not quite secondary infertility, because either we are just starting to TTC, or deciding whether we want to, and not sure if we will be faced with infertility again. We are not all at the same stage, and yet the feelings are similar. It brings up a whole whack of emotions that I know were unexpected for myself. The fears, the uncertainty, the jealousy, the loneliness... it's all there again. I don't know what the answer is, but knowing that others feel the same helps.
I had my IUD removed today.
Cue freak out!
What am I doing? I have 16-month old, very demanding, very busy twin boys. I'm sitting here drinking tea, "ignoring" one of my boys who decided not to nap during the time I desperately needing alone time, thinking what it would be like to never get alone time again. Okay, well not for a lonnnng time. I don't know if I am ready to be pregnant again.
The doctor said that there is sometimes a super-ovulation phase after taking out the IUD. My period just recently returned since stopping breastfeeding the boys. Technically, my chances are "up." I know it's not a guarantee. We may not be able to get pregnant again. But we might. And what if we did... soon?
What if I had complications like the last pregnancy? What if I ended up on bedrest while caring for 2-year old twin terrors? What if we try and try and don't get pregnant. Then what?
Clearly, you can see that I am conflicted. But deep down, I think I do want it to happen. Otherwise I could have postponed taking out the IUD. But I didn't. And so... we will see...
We stopped preventing when the kids were 16 months old. I don't think my chances were as good as yours, though I think I did ovulate 4 times in a row Dec/Jan/Feb/March, but did not get pregnant any of those times since I wasn't temping and had no idea. I don't think we were really ready to get pregnant then, either, just ready to start the long process of "trying" and see where it went. In June I was still not ready to be pregnant and not ready to start the doctors etc, but I made an appointment for September, so at least that was off my mind for the summer. By the Fall I was READY to start again, I guess having a date in the future as a start time helped me prepare myself.
ReplyDeleteSince it could take a while, you probably have at least several months to get used to the idea of possibly being pregnant again before it can become a reality. I guess just decide how much time you want to wait before seeking intervention again, so in the meantime you don't have to put too much pressure on yourself (I felt like I was really "ready" when I broke out the thermometer last August, haha).
Good luck! We haven't been preventing since my daughter's birth but knew that we would need to go the IVF route again anyway.
ReplyDeleteYou forgot to mention the part where we start to live our lives in "What-ifs!" I think TTC, especially for people like us, is something you have to follow your heart on. You took out the IUD, it's your best shot right now, get to it! :) At least the fun part. You can decide whether or not to bust out the big guns if that hurdle comes up. Right? Hugs, my dear!
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