She's laaaate!

I was three days late this cycle. But three days late does not mean late altogether. On day 31, the floodgates opened. Again. Somehow (as always, I suppose), I really thought this might be the time. While I didn't get my hopes up crazy high (I refuse to let my mind go there anymore), I entertained a bit of the "what ifs." So when it happened, I came crashing down pretty hard. My night was filled with a bottle of red wine, chocolate, popcorn, candy, and a chick flick while Dan was out. There were tears, too, of course. And a resignation of "this will never work on our own." We need intervention of some sort.

I was supposed to see the gynecologist to start on clomid this cycle. But DH was not ready to do his part, which was providing yet another sample. We fought, made up, talked it over, cried, prayed, and still did not resolve on what to do. The hardest part right now is that we know someone who works at the lab, which makes the act of bringing in a sample even harder (as if it is not hard enough in the first place!). And then we had the discussion of doing this the "natural" way versus the "scientific" way. Now that is what we are both reeling from.

I don't know what a Christian perspective to infertility is. I have heard stories from people who were barren and prayed and God answered their prayer and provided a miracle. The Bible is full of characters like that. And in every case, it is God who acts to bring the miracle. I think that is a beautiful thing. At the same time, here I sit, waiting... knowing there IS something that we can do to speed this process along. But in that, am I becoming like Sarah or Rebekah (or Rachel, I can't remember which), who took matters into their own hands and gave their husband to their maidservant to conceive a child with? While they got their wish and heart's desire, it came with hardship of its own. I can't think of a story of infertility in the Bible where God did not, eventually, hear from heaven and heal the womb. Does God still act in that way? What of the many, many people who suffer from infertility today. What of the scientific advances we have made, and of the possibilities for anybody to have a baby through sperm donors, IVF, surrogate mothers... what does God think of this? This world is so complex. The simple act of having a baby and giving life to a new being is no longer "simple." And that is all that I ache for - a simple life.

I do feel that we nee prayerful support these days. I think it is time to let people know where we are at. I just don't know how open Dan will be to that, and who we should ask. I don't know the scale of what help we need. I just know that I am in agony and my spirit hurts so badly right now. We have an appointment to see a counsellor in a few weeks. He is a Christian/former pastor, from Black Creek (outside of our community), and has worked through infertility/sexual issues with couples. A lot of male infertility is affected by psychological issues, so that is another avenue we have not yet explored.

I just really feel like we need to give up "trying" in a sense. We are not going to be able to do this on our own. I just don't know how to rely on God enough to help us, or what next step to take.

Lord, light our way, we pray.