A frustration that has plagued me lately has been that of feeling like a failure. I know a lot of girls who struggle with feeling like a failure because their body has not worked like it is supposed to. While that is true of my body, I have never really felt defeat because of that. I do not feel ashamed of my body. I take really good care of myself, and I know that everything that is going on is outside of my control.
The failure I am talking about is feeling like we have failed in dealing with infertility. I look at women who have struggled with infertility, and seem to have resolved their struggle quickly into the journey, even without having a baby. They speak of not being bitter, of trusting God, of keeping hope, despite their longings unfulfilled. We've been "trying" for over 5 years and still are in the thick of it. I am bitter. I don't have hope. I doubt my God. I look at women who took control of their fertility, changing clinics and pressing on to get answers for the lingering questions. We didn't seek help for SO LONG, partly due to ignorance, and when we did, we meandered our way through when we could have been much more actively trying. I do feel gypped off and like we wasted a lot of time. I look at women who speak openly and directly about their struggles. We've been so self-conscious in our struggle that it has taken us up until recently to share with even our closes friends. I look at women who seem to have perfect relationships with their partners. They work through the struggle together, support one another when they need to, and draw closer together because of IF. We have struggled more in our marriage than ever before, despite the fact that we've been in the trenches longer and should have more experience in dealing with it. I look at women who are able to pour out their love on their nieces and nephews, despite the sorrow they feel for not having their own child. We don't even want to talk to our brothers or sisters over the holidays, because of the pain it will bring to see them happy with their families.
I never wanted to be this way. I guess it hurts my pride. I kind of pride myself on being able to do things well. I work hard, and I achieve the things I want to. I have failed in knowing how to deal properly with infertility. I know, I know, there's not a right way to get through infertility. But some people do it with much more grace than me! I'd just like to look back and not feel like I have wasted my time and energy so much with nothing to show.
Don't worry, I have a happier post planned for tomorrow. :)
People have control over the perception of themselves by others... Those same "I've accepted this journey" people may have only written those things when they were feeling philosophical or in a particularly good mood. And then maybe decided not to follow up with a frustrated and sad post only days later.
ReplyDeleteYou have not failed at dealing with infertility. You are dealing with it as best as you can, which is all you can do.
Hugs <3
Your other commenter said it really well. I have been thinking about this post over the last couple of days. I think that people (myself included) often post things after they have worked through some of it in their minds, and are able to see more clearly. If you only knew the things that most of us think when facing the hardest moments, you would know that we are all the same. :) Or different things bother different people. I have all sorts of "rules", like if I know someone was trying to get pregnant before me they're okay, but if they just get pregnant out of nowhere, I lose it.
ReplyDeleteAlso, have you noticed that "bitter" looks cute on some people? I've noticed that making it look cute and endearing is not my strong suit. But some people make me laugh with their comments and manage to speak about how they are feeling with humor and sensitivity to others. Sometimes I look back at my older posts where I'm having an especially hard time, and it's always toned down quite a bit from the heightened emotions that I experienced as it was happening.
Yeah - what they said. :)
ReplyDeleteWe all have our strengths. If you ask me, your faith is a huge strength for you. Plenty of people can't hang on to that the way you do. You're doing okay, girl. You really are.
I also struggle with these feelings. I hate that I am still so bitter after TTC for 4 years, while I see others that have been struggling for less time that seem to have it all together. I think some people are just not as vocal about the bitterness and struggles they go through. Some people are afraid to let others see them that way, so they only show the positive side of their personality. Personally, I probably show my negative side more...but it does make for more interesting blogging than saying everything is unicorns and rainbows I guess.
ReplyDelete