Back at it

Holidays are over :(  I can't say this really felt like a great, refreshing, fun holiday time.  I think it was still needed time off... but it's a bit disappointing when your only holiday time for the year, isn't actually a holiday. For the first half of the trip, we were both super sick.  Like so sick that I lost my voice!  And that was when all the events were going on with my side of the family.  It was still good and we created some good memories (had a fun photo shoot altogether).  There was a bit of tension and stress from DH.  Even though he knew that it was just the 3 days that my family was all together, and that he'd have the rest of the trip with his family, he was a bit grumpy about it at times.  But I understand that it wasn't easy for him to be around my brother with his baby and my pregnant sister.  Also the weather wasn't very nice (a lot of rain) so it didn't feel at all like a "summer" break.

The time spent with his family wasn't super eventful or exciting.  We did have one day just the two of us and we went to some wineries and had a picnic and enjoyed some time away from everyone.  I think we were both just physically and emotionally spent way more than we realized.  We wanted to have fun, but we just couldn't.  The nice thing was that I really didn't think of anything at home the entire time!  Not work, not church, not friends.  It was like I warped into a different world completely.  We still did the same things (exercised, took the dog out, ate meals), but that was our only agenda.  I think that was nice.

We didn't want to mourn or cry or talk about the baby we lost, though we still were really sad I think.  But it was annoying that absolutely NOBODY asked how we were doing or anything.  Maybe there just wasn't the space or time.  Or maybe we exuded the "don't talk to us about it" vibe.  I don't know.  Actually, DH told me afterwards that his mom was bugging him about how I was doing and if my health was okay and so on and he just shut her down completely.  After that she didn't utter a word (which amazed me!).

Now we're back at it.  My sister is still here so that is nice.  Work is busy and I'm back into routine.  I still feel like we just have this inability to enjoy things right now.  We're trying desperately hard to enjoy each other... but even that is hard work.  And when it's hard to enjoy the most important person in your life, of course it's hard to enjoy anything or anyone else!

As far as health stuff goes, I think AF is FINALLY here!  This waiting has been soooo long.  It has been 3 months since we found out we were pregnant and 2 months since we found out it was non-viable.  The past few days I was feeling weepy for no reason (I couldn't cry but I felt like I wanted to soooo badly) and I got so bloated!  I was so grumpy and feeling so fat.  DH took one look at my bellyand said, "No, I think AF is just coming.  You were getting skinny on the trip and that is totally not fat, just bloating."  Sure enough, this morning I started spotting.  Haha!  It's bad when your husband predicts your cycle better than you.

I'm hoping this is actually it and that we can get on the trying train again!