This week I hit a wall of panic.
It's not necessarily the babies that I am worrying about...it's everything else in life.
Money is a hot topic. This month was really tough as our income went down , and unexpected bills came in (our car had issues, our furnace bill finally came for work that was done in March, etc.). It seems overwhelming to think of how we will make it on only one income, even with the maternity pay I will receive. I am trying to get in as many hours as I can before I take my leave, but this has proven difficult in the summer. Who wants to spend their free time seeing a counsellor when they could be at the beach instead? On the days I do have clients, I am already having trouble focusing and preparing for sessions. Usually once I am in session I click into gear, but the work-up to it is becoming more and more stressful for me lately. And I am getting exhausted - even when I only work 4 hours a day!
I am also panicking about actually... having... kids.! I have started to shift my mindset from thinking about being pregnant, to what it will be like AFTER the babies arrive. This is FREAKING ME OUT! I am not so freaked out by the newborn stage. I just expect it to be crazy, and that I will be a zombie, be tired all the time, be emotional, and that it will be tough! I am more worried about what comes even after that. There is so much about parenting that I don't know! There are so many philosophies. There are so many ways of doing things. There is so much that DH and I will need to be in agreement about, and it's not like they teach you a class and prepare you on what all those things are. What if we are just bad at being parents???
We have had friends visiting this week with an 18-month-old little boy. An energetic, fussy, demanding little boy. It's been awesome to have them around, and I think they are great parents, but DH and I constantly find ourselves critiquing things and comparing it to how we want to raise our kids. I know we are being overly judgmental. DH admitted that we will totally be eating our words in about two years from now. But I know that DH and I are different people than our two friends. Our parenting style will naturally be different. I think it's okay to have some expectations of how we want to do things. I just hope we are not setting ourselves up for huge failure and disaster down the road.
I'm also getting scared of labour, delivery and breastfeeding. I know virtually NOTHING about delivering a baby! I'm sure I'll get through it (there really is no choice, is there?), but I am super scared that breastfeeding is not going to work for us. And that thought is more than I can handle right now. I just really want to breastfeed. I really, really want to. I don't even know why this is so important to me, but it is.
Hmm... what else? Oh, then there is the dog! We have a border collie we adopted 2 years ago, who became our baby. Through all our fertility treatments, she was the one we put our energy and affection into. We love her so much! And she is an awesome dog. She is so friendly, and sweet, and fun, and understanding. The thing is, she really is not used to kids. That has been highlighted this week with the toddler in our house. She is trying really hard to be good, but her herding instinct kicks in and she feeds off the energy of this crazy child. I know it can be improved with training. And I'm not even worried about her being around our kids, because she will grow up with them and be used to them. I'm worrying about having other kids in the house, and what if she tries to nip one of them, and what if... what if... what if???
You see, I'm kind of losing it this week. Can I blame it on pregnancy hormones? Do they make you go this crazy? I am so excited about being pregnant, but I do hope this phase passes quick!
It's natural to have a freak out pre baby. I remember it hit me when I was about 2 months away from the due date. Pure panic. But the birth was so amazing, and bfing was way easier than I had prepared for, and there is plenty of time to take parenting day by day and figure things out with hubby as you go along. For me, crap really hit te fan when I went back to work, but now te dust is settling and the baby is such a completely fun and lovable and snuggly age (ad sleeping better!) that everything is totally manageable. You'll find yourself more productive than you've ever been in your life, it will make you grow like you never thought was possible. :)
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