I struggled with what to name this post. My first thought was "Pregnancy Blues" but that doesn't fully describe what I want to share.
Let me first start off by saying that I do love being pregnant. While it has been an adjustment to my personality, I am enjoying taking it easier and watching my belly grow. Even when I don't realize it, my mind is consumed with making sure these babies are as healthy and safe as they can be. Yet through most of my pregnancy, I've had this underlying sense of "blah." I've written before about how I just don't enjoy some things in life as much as I used to. My last post mentioned how those who are pregnant after infertility (and in particular carrying twins) are more at risk for post-partum depression. While I don't feel like I am depressed (I'm not crying all the time, I have energy to get things done, I am eating and sleeping fine), I do feel this sense of blah. At first I thought it was just the way the pregnancy hormones are affecting me, but now that it has carried into the second trimester, I'm wondering more about it.
My suspicion is that this is related to our struggle with infertility in some way. I don't think it's that I had high expectations about how great it would be to be pregnant. Actually, I feel like I've been pretty lucky in that regard, so far. I'm sleeping great at night. My body is healthy and growing right on track (besides the annoyance of an irritable uterus). I barely have morning sickness. My aches and pains haven't started (yet). I really have nothing to complain about.
One thing I have noticed this last week, is how I am handling the attention of being pregnant. My pregnancy cannot be hidden any longer. Multiple people in a day ask me when I'm due. This week 3 people asked if I was having a summer/September baby (I'm not due till November)! And in the moment when I am talking to people, I feel good. I respond enthusiastically. I feel excited. Sometimes I mention our fertility treatments, but mostly not. And yet, at the end of the day when I relive these conversations, I sometimes feel like a fake. I feel like I need to show people the pain and difficulty that is mingled in with the joy. While I am embracing this pregnancy, underneath it all still exists the memory of all the pain and loss that we experienced. How can these two things co-exist?
Cristy, over at Searching for Our Silver Lining, just wrote a great post entitled "Straddling Worlds" that speaks of this dilemma as it relates to fellow infertile friends. The other day I ran into a girl I met last summer who was just visiting this area. As I excitedly announced my pregnancy, I saw her exchange a look with her husband, and something in her eyes struck me. She congratulated me, but instantly I knew. I later received an email from her describing that she recently had a miscarriage. While I know that I did nothing wrong in sharing my news, everything in me wanted to scream out to her, "I understand! Please don't write me off as just another pregnant lady... please see my pain amidst my joy!"
I don't really know how to reconcile these conflicting emotions. I suppose they just need to "be." I'd love to seek out a counsellor for DH and I to visit as we transition from infertiles to parents of twins. Anyways, I just thought I'd share in case others find themselves going through something similar. You can know that you're not alone!
Although I am behind you in weeks, I feeeeeeeeeel almost everything you've written. The in-between land of infertility and pregnancy is such an odd place to be. I often feel like some feel like this pregnancy automatically erases all those years of hurt and pain and it just doesn't. It's very strange to have the feelings co exist together. Thanks for sharing I always love reading your posts since you're ahead of me .. . I feel like I know what to expect, lol. I hope the blah-ness subsides some :)
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