A Better Day

Today was a better day.  DH and I decided today was a date day and that we needed to get out of here for the day.  We went to Campbell River (woo hoo!) and went for a hike with the dog.  It was a nice day.  The hike wasn't anything too amazing but it was so nice to get out.  Then we went and had lunch at a restaurant right on the water.  We lingered and had coffees.  It was so nice!  We puttered around some shops and then came home.  The best part of the day was the driving half an hour each way.  DH and I just talked.  We didn't talk about infertility or our loss.  We just talked about other stuff that is important to us.  For a little bit, it felt like we were our pre-infertility selves.  It was so refreshing!

Last night we were hit the hardest.  I don't know why, but evening came and we didn't really have anything to do.  All the emotions came flooding in.  I cried and cried.  I started feeling a bit traumatized by everything, and felt pretty anxious.  Fortunately, DH was strong and just held me while I cried and then took me out for ice cream.  I made him come to bed with me because I couldn't be alone.

My mom flew out to Hawaii with her sisters and dad yesterday.  She said that the entire flight there, her and my aunt just cried for us.  My mom and dad are wonderful and so supportive.  Apparently it has hit my dad pretty hard too.  They were so hoping for us!  I saw my dad today and he hugged me so hard, for so long.  I also told my sister today.  That was hard and she was so sad and cried so much for us.  Her pregnancy hormones probably didn't help. :)  She has had a bit of a scare this weekend too as she has had some bleeding.  Apparently her placenta is sitting just above the cervix and there's a bit of a pool of blood below.  She is at risk for placenta previa if it stays that way (she's just at 13 weeks).  That's still a scare.

I want to thank everyone for the wonderful comments!  I feel so overwhelmed by the support here.  I'd love any other tips on how to prepare for/manage a loss like this.  I am finding the suggestions so helpful. Thank you all for caring!

How I Am Doing

Wednesday, April 11th - 8:40 p.m.

I'm finding it hard to formulate cohesive thoughts right now.  Some of the comments written have made me cry. I know you understand what I am going through.  I can't describe how great that is.  Right now I just want to hide myself away from anyone and everyone I know.  I don't know why.  I kind of feel ashamed, but in a strange way.  It's not that I'm ashamed of anything I have done or how my body works...  it just feels shameful somehow.

Anyways, here are the random thoughts floating around in my mind.  Since I can't write fully, I'll put them in point term:
- I haven't had any symptoms today, and barely any yesterday.  I wonder if my body is realizing it's not "really" pregnant and if this means I'll miscarry sooner.
- I have to call the midwives, and also my ND (who will be so sad).  Who else do I need to let know?
- What am I going to do about the cards I sent my sister and brother?  Do I tell them to get rid of them without opening them?  When should I tell them?
- Now I can't be pregnant with my sister.  That sucks!  What sucks even more is that they are coming to visit and DH and I will be the only "childless" coupe (and we're the oldest).  That is going to be the worst.
- I don't want to be friends with any of our friends who have kids anymore.  Like, not at all.
- What if I miscarry while we are on vacation (starting a week from Monday)?
- My plan is now all ruined.  My job finishes in September.  That timing lined up perfectly... now what will I do?  I need to work to be able to pay our mortgage.  I recently got approved to become a certified counsellor and I could get more hours at the place where I am working a half day right now... BUT I DON'T WANT TO.  Being pregnant was the perfect excuse out.  I only wanted to work there till I had a baby.  If I'm not having a baby now, I don't want to work there.  But what will I do?  How will I get out of my commitment.  All I want to do with my life is be a mom!  I don't want to work anymore!!!
- I am totally skipping church on Sunday.
- Should I return some of the "comfy" clothes I bought the other day?
- Eww, what about my weight?  I have no drive to lose weight, but I can't handle being this heavy without being pregnant.  I feel disgusting.  I don't want to lose a bunch of weight just to gain it back again if we DO get pregnant again.   Ahhhhhhh!!!!!
- When will we even have a chance of getting pregnant again?  If we miscarry by mid-May, then we should be back to cycle by mid-June.  Maybe we could do an IUI in July?
- DH doesn't even know if he can go through it again.  I don't either.  Yet I can't give up the idea of having our own kid... especially if there is a chance it is possible.
- I've been sitting in my bed for the past two hours.  I've drank a large slurpee, a cup of tea, ate licorice and polished off some ice cream.  Ayeyiyi!
- Why does it seem like infertiles are the ones who always miscarry?  Isn't infertility enough of a struggle?  Why this too???
- And what causes "chromosomal abnormalities"?  I feel like it's a catch-all phrase they use when they don't know what went wrong.  Why are people having these chromosomal abnormalities in the first place???  How come that isn't being studied???
- Should I see a counsellor?  If so, who would I see in a small community where I, too, am a counsellor?
- How do DH and I support one another during this time?  (That will be a whole other post!)
- What if there was some mistake in the ultrasounds and I WAS still pregnant.  What if I drink alcohol and the baby is affected.  But I want a drink SO BAD right now!
- I'm never attending a baby shower again!
- I am deleting my facebook account (already announced it... will officially do it later this week).
- I am no longer helping others in need, apart from what I do for my job to get paid.  People can look after themselves from now on.
- I want to sell our house.  It was bought on so many hopes that have now died.  Even if we do have children, the way I hoped for it to happen has not happened.  I feel like this house is a reminder of those hopes that never came true.
- I wish I could go back to being young and naive again.
- I don't know what I want to do with myself right now.  There is absolutely nothing that I can think of that would make me happy right now.  I want to get out of here, to go away this weekend.  But I don't even know if I would enjoy that in actuality.  I feel like I can't enjoy anything right now.
- I feel like I am dead inside.

The Diagnosis

Wednesday April 11, 2012 - 6:00pm

Today we went to our OB for our official diagnosis.  Actually our OB was away, so we met a new doctor at the clinic.  I felt like I knew how the visit was going to go, and there were no surprises.  We were told that there was a gestational sac measuring at 5 weeks with a yolk sac, but no fetal pole or no heart rate.  Basically, there was no fetus.  This is called a blighted ovum.

I came prepared with a bunch of questions because I knew I wouldn't remember when there.  Here are the questions I asked with the doctor's answers:

Q: Is it possible that we just could not see the fetus at this stage... if it was hidden or just small?
A: It is not likely.  At this stage (7 week, 5 days) there should be a fetal pole at least.

Q: How long will we have to wait for a natural miscarriage?
A: It could take up to a month for it to start naturally, sometimes a bit longer.

Q: What are the options for miscarriage?
A: First, have a natural miscarriage and wait for the cramping and bleeding to start.  Second, take medication (misoprostal) to begin uterine contractions and do an endometrial biopsy, which can trigger the placenta to bleed out.  Third, have a D&C (this is never something I would consider unless absolutely necessary and I told him that).

Q: What can I expect with a miscarriage?
A: Miscarriages are different for everyone, but it will be like a heavy period.  It will start with cramping and then the bleeding will take place, likely for a week.  At some point you may pass the placenta, but it is hard to tell the difference between clots and the placenta.  If it was later in the pregnancy, there would be other considerations but with a 5-week size sac, it should be pretty straightforward.

Q: When will my system resume back to normal?
A: It will take about 4-6 weeks after the bleeding to have your next period.  Usually it takes place one month after the uterus has been emptied.  Most RE's like you to have one regular cycle period before resuming treatment.

Q: Do I continue to treat my body as if it is pregnant?  i.e. coffee, alcohol
A: Resume life as normal.  Continue normal activities.

Q: Why did this happen?  Does it mean something more is wrong?
A: When an embryo fails to develop, like in the case of a blighted ovum, it is likely due to a chromosomal abnormality.  25% of women have a miscarriage within the first 13 weeks of pregnancy.  After 13 weeks that percentage goes down to 2%.  Of the 25% who miscarry in the first trimester, studies have shown that 70% (I think this was the stat) are a result of chromosomal abnormality.  There is no reason to suggest anything else is wrong.

Q: Is it likely that we will miscarry again?
A: No.  Actually, your situation is what we would call a good prognosis.  You were diagnosed with unexplained infertility.  You were able to conceive on your first IUI.  A pregnancy was achieved, which shows that your egg and sperm are compatible.  You are young.  There is no reason to think you will not conceive again.

Q: Is it true that after a miscarriage there is a more likely chance of conceiving soon?
A: No, but even if you have to do IUI again it is likely that you will conceive.

And that was it.  We walked out feeling like it was just what we expected, yet saddened that there wasn't any hint of good news.  The part where I burst into tears was when the doctor said, "There's not likely to be a miracle in this case."  I believe in a God of miracles.  I believe in a God who heals the barren women.  Even if that doesn't happen to us, I believe it can.  And even science can't change that.

Divine Intervention: A story of faith

Tuesday, April 10th - 9:00 pm

Carrying on.  This is a long story, but I want to get all the details out.

I went back to work after the appointment and had 2 more clients to see.  Fortunately I was able to push my problems out of my mind and help out some others.  We had really good sessions.  Once I was done I was so ready to come home.  Only problem is that there was a church staff meeting at our house.  DH had told them he wasn't going to be there, so we hid out in the basement eating dinner and then we took off.  I just wanted to walk.  So we went to our favorite walking beach where you can just walk and walk and walk.  We took the dog along too (she is the most comfort anyone could ever ask for).  DH was still really upset.  He didn't even want to walk and so after a while he headed back but I needed to keep going.  All I could do was walk. 

As he was walking back to the car, I noticed another guy walking out from the parking lot.  I didn't think much of it until DH turned back and started walking with him.  Eventually I turned around and went to meet them.  When I saw who it was, I almost burst into tears. 

There is a wonderful guy from our church who has been such a friend to us over the past little while.  He is brilliant (has 2 degrees and went to Princeton University), compassionate, and just the most solid Christian I think I have ever met.  Of all of our friends, I think I would trust him the most when it comes to matters of faith.  He was the one who was walking on the beach - a completely empty beach apart from us.

Oh, I forgot to mention something.  Pretty much the whole drive to the beach, DH and I talked about our faith and (especially for him) how this rattles everything we have ever believed in.  In our anger/hurt/frustration we wanted to renounce the faith then and there.  However, DH kept coming back to the fact that it seemed like God kept putting things in our path that drew our attention back to him (his dad having a dream, the picture that my mom had, a sermon we listened to that talked about another infertile couple).  So faith was very much on our mind. 

Okay, back to the beach.  We all walked a bit together (came across a dead walrus... that was interesting), and eventually our friend kept going and we hung back.  We were going to just leave but our dog decided she wanted to keep going and followed our friend and basically ditched us.  So we hung around, walked a bit more and eventually he came back with our dog following.  What is interesting is if our dog had not followed him, we would have just left and never had this encounter.

DH and I had talked about telling our friend what was going on, because if we were feeling too weak to pray, we know that he would pray for us.  But as I was working up the courage to bring it up, he said this:

"Now, since it's Divine Intervention that we both happen to be walking at the beach at the same time, is there anything that I can pray for for you guys?"

I lost it.  I burst into tears.  We told him our story.  I told him that we didn't even have the faith to pray.  And he responded, "Well, that's why you have the Church, to help and hold you up when you can't do it yourself."  And he prayed for us. 

I don't know why this happened.  I don't know if this is another one of the "signs" that DH keeps thinking God is bringing across our path.  I don't know if this was just a message from God, reminding us that He is there with us right now.  I was kind of feeling like distancing God from everything that is happening.  I wanted to believe there is a God out there, who made things and rules things... but I don't want to believe that He is personally involved in our lives.  I'd rather just live with the fact that bad things happen to good and bad people, and good things happen to good and bad people.  There's no rhyme or reason for it.  But if God is intimately involved with our lives, and cares that we are struggling right now, I don't know how to deal with that.

worst day

I wrote a bunch of posts over the past few days and I'm going to post them throughout today now that I am ready to share our story.  They are long, but they are my thoughts and helped me to process what has happened

Tuesday, April 10th - 3:00 pm

Welcome to the worst day of my life.

It began at my ultrasound on Tuesday afternoon.  I went in hopeful and ready to have a quick ultrasound and head back to work, knowing the results would come later the next day.  I drank the required 1 litre of water an hour before my appointment.  DH met me and we checked in on time and waited.  By the time it was my turn (they were late) I could hardly walk due to the pain/pressure from the urine in my bladder.  DH was told he could not come in the room and that she would bring him in if there was something big enough to see.  So I went by myself.  When I went to lie on the table, I couldn’t even pull my legs up due to intense pressure in my bladder.  I begged to be able to let a little pee out, and she said okay.  Then it was much easier to lie down.  The technician was very friendly and explained every step thoroughly.  She started with an abdominal scan and was very thorough in checking my uterus and both ovaries.  She took dozens of photos.  She then said that she also wanted to do an internal scan and so I undressed and got ready.  I had thought this would be my first appointment where I didn’t have to take off my clothes… alas.  It was a bit different than at my fertility clinic, as she handed me the wand under the blanket and asked me to direct it in.  Once in there she poked around and took a bunch more pictures.  I was probably in there for 20 minutes.  Towards the end she told me some information. 

She said that everything was looking good… for a baby that is 5 ½ weeks along.  There was a gestational sac and a yolk sac, but she couldn’t see a baby.  I mentioned that last week it was only measuring 5 ½ weeks and so that probably meant it had stopped growing.  She said, “Well, you never know.” 

And that was it. 

Tomorrow our doctor will be able to compare both images, but we are not expecting good news.  I suspect it is a blighted ovum.  Fuck.

The worst was telling DH.  Somehow I knew that I would be the stronger one if this happened.  I didn’t even cry.  I just felt numb.  But DH lost it.  He wants to give up.  Everything.  He wants to quit his job.  He wants to move out of this town.  He doesn’t think he can go through this again.  He has a broken heart.

We had a name chosen for our firstborn child (if it was a boy).  DH doesn’t want us to use that name for any other babies.  If this baby dies, the name dies with it.  In actuality, the name represents the hope we have that we will ever have a child.  That hope has died.

I’ve read a bit about misdiagnosed blighted ovums and people who discover a healthy baby with a heartbeat at week 9 or 10.  I don’t think that is our case.  I think we will wait out a miscarriage.  That means our baby making will be put on hold for months.  That means my sister will go on to have a baby without me joining her. 

I don’t know what we will do from here.

I feel so finished.

I want to quit my job and lock myself away and never talk to anyone again.  And I can’t stand to see DH hurting so much.

Blighted Ovum

From Wikipedi:a: An anembryonic gestation (aka blighted ovum) is a pregnancy in which the very early pregnancy appears normal on an ultrasound scan, but as the pregnancy progresses a visible embryo never develops.

Blighted ovum.  This is our diagnosis.  Our baby has not grown, or never even formed in the first place.

And so we wait for a miscarriage to take its toll.

I'm writing a full detail of the accounts of the past few days, but I'm not ready to post it right now.  Thanks for the love that has been sent so far.  It means a lot to know that you guys care.  Thank you.

Not Good...

It's not looking good.

We haven't met with the doctor yet, but the ultrasound technician mentioned a few things.  She couldn't find a baby in the sac.  The sac is measuring right on schedule... for 5 1/2 weeks.  This means nothing has changed since the ultrasound last week.  We find out today if there have been any changes since a week ago.  It sounds to me like a blighted ovum.  I've read lots of stories where these are misdiagnosed, but I don't think that's our luck.

I wrote up a big post, but I'll post everything once we have more answers.  We are not doing okay.  I don't know what more to say right now.