The Cleanse - Day 5 (And counselling!)

The grumpies have passed!!! I woke up this morning feeling not quite as tired as the other mornings. I had a big of anticipation as well, since Dan and I had a scheduled counselling appointment today (this time with me as the client, not the counsellor). We continued on with the cleanse as normal today and I felt much, much better. My eating schedule was a bit out of whack from getting up early and then having a busy afternoon with clients, but I snuck in a salad for lunch after just eating a smoothing for breakfast, and snacked on an energy ball to help get me through the afternoon slump. I must say, I had a small "cheat" to get me through 4 hours straight of counselling. I made a cup of tea and only had a few sips of it. Be it psychological or not, it helped. I had a delicious dinner of steak, lots of steamed veggies and potatotes, and here I am after dinner and not even craving sweets or caffeine! I even had energy to clean the house after dinner and get life in order. At last, I'm hoping the emotional roller coaster is done! We took up drinking lemons in our water today. It has been quite nice and helps feel like we are cleansing even deeper as we flush all those toxins out. I still have not noticed any physical weight being lost, but my facial skin looks pretty good and those bags under my eyes are going away. I would like to vamp up the exercise but we'll be going off meat in a few days so I'll need to be sure to boost up the protein in other ways.

Now, about the counselling... it wasn't the worst but it definitely wasn't the best. We found out afterwards that the counsellor is not certified with a governing body at this point in time. Which explains a lot! He talked a lot about himself, and didn't really help me in the areas I was looking for. But I think it was still somewhat beneficial, and maybe even part of God's plan. He encouraged us to "bring God into the bedroom" more. And to make our lovemaking a spiritual act, in a way. To have fun, and do it joyously, but bring God into it even more. I don't know if I would say our infertility is outright spiritual attack, but it could partially be. And I have always wondered more about having God a part of our lovemaking. I have heard others talk about how spiritual they find it, and I have never really found it that way with DH. Part of that may be because of how DH expresses his spirituality, but I do know that we both need to make God more a part of our lives, so why not start in this area? I'm not sure where exactly this will take us. But at this point, I'm willing to give anything a try! The faith may be lacking, but even Sarah laughed when God said she would have a child. So, anointing the bed in oil, laying hands on our reproductive organs, praying and having others intercede for us, may not be so silly after all... (though I still giggle when I think of the laying on of hands...hehe)

The Cleanse Day 1-4

Well, we began a cleanse this week. I'm not sure what really "inspired" me to get it going. I was feeling fat last week. And sluggish. And like it is almost my 30th birthday and I wasn't happy with how I was looking/feeling. So, thus it has begun. And DH has decided to join me in this, shall we say, adventure! So, I thought I would write a bit about how it goes and document that journey here as well.

Basically, the cleanse is straightforward: no sugar, no caffeine, no wheat and no dairy. Easier said than done. We are eating meats this first week, and then going to try to cut back next week. I am not sure if we'll make it to the third week or not. We're also taking a powder supplement called Mediclear (Thorne) that was recommended by the naturopathic doctor. My goals of this cleanse are to:

- Wean myself off of the high amounts of sugar and caffeine I was using to get through life.
- Cleanse myself from within
- Hopefully lose a few pounds
- Gain back some energy

The diet part is not too hard, except that it means LOTS of planning ahead (especially the first few days as we get into it). Once we feel "cleansed" we will start to slowly add back food types one at a time to see if they react to our system at all. During this time, I am also trying to cleanse other areas of my life too. I am trying not to wear makeup (or very little), exercising more, doing more yoga, and attempting to get more sleep. Here is how the first few days have gone:

Day 1: Monday - After Bible group the night before, I woke up quite tired. When I came home from work (counselling), I was very tired, very grumpy, and just wanted sugar or caffeine. I tried to go to bed early hoping the next day would be better. Overall feeling: 7/10

Day 2: Tuesday - Tuesday was pretty similar to Monday. I was grumpy right from the start of the morning. I didn't look as tired though, and my skin had a bit more of a glow to it. I still craved sweets a lot! Tried to get by drinking lots of herbal teas (they're really NOT the same as a good cup of tea or coffee). Worked real hard at yoga and then did the steam room afterward. I was VERY tired after that and went to bed early again. Overall: 7/10

Day 3: Wednesday - Woke up quite sort from yoga. The sweet cravings were not as bad. Had a bit of a walk at work. By the end of the day I was very tired and emotional (crying)...feeling the effects of no sugar or caffeine. Overall 6/10

Day 4: Thursday - Woke up feeling the worst so far. I was sore, tired, and my eyes looked so tired. My nose was sniffly all day, and I just felt COLD all the time. However, after eating healthy, and having a good brisk walk at lunch, I perked up a bit. I feel like the need for caffeine has passed, and hopefully the sugar craving will be gone more by tomorrow too. Got some encouragement from ND and that has helped me to be motivated to go a little more. I have not noticed any visible signs of losing weight at this point in time. I would like to have a workout of some sort tonight (but it's too cold to go outside and not sure I'll make it to the gym...maybe just some strength at home). Overall: 5-6/10

The title name

I had the greatest inspiration to sit down and write a blog post about an hour ago, but I got sidetracked taking a bath after yoga, and now I completely forget what I wanted to write about. Boo!

I do know that I'm having one of those "I'm terribly fat and hate everything about myself" kind of days (or maybe weeks, or months). The only consolation came in someone telling me today that I have movie star hair. This morning it WAS movie star hair. I almost don't want to have bangs cut, which is what I recently decided I would do before my birthday in March. Oh March. Coming ever so swiftly. March, my favorite month. March, when the tulips and daffodils pop up, and the cherry blossoms bloom. March, whereon I hit the dreaded (though dreaded is not even a strong enough word to describe how I feel) big three zero! I'm freaking out more and more as the day comes closer. I never cared so much about hitting 30 before. But now it's different. I never imagined hitting 30 without having a kid. All my imaginings of life after 30 involved being a mom. A young, hip, caring, fun, mom. It's like if I become a mom after I'm 30, I'll instantly lose all ability to have those adjectives before my name. But I don't really care otherwise about turning 30. I am married. I am about to begin my "career" (which I realized, however, I only really wanted in the context of having a family). Maybe that is what all of a sudden hit me. The life I am living now, the life we have planned for and is now upon us, was always planned in my head with a family involved. I don't really want to be "full time" counsellor/career woman. I want to do counselling part-time and be a mom. I don't really want to be a pastor's wife without a family. I want to be a pastoral family with kids. I don't want to live in the valley and thrive upon home-making, and farmer's markets, and a simple lifestyle without kids. I want to raise a family here in the simplistic way that I can't in other cities. I don't want a house that I have to fill with foreign exchange students to feel full. I want a house full of MY kids running around. I figured out what the title of this blog really means to me. I want a family grown in love. I want to have a baby grown at home, and not in a doctor's office full of medical procedures. Home Grown Love. That is what I want.

Home Grown Love

She's laaaate!

I was three days late this cycle. But three days late does not mean late altogether. On day 31, the floodgates opened. Again. Somehow (as always, I suppose), I really thought this might be the time. While I didn't get my hopes up crazy high (I refuse to let my mind go there anymore), I entertained a bit of the "what ifs." So when it happened, I came crashing down pretty hard. My night was filled with a bottle of red wine, chocolate, popcorn, candy, and a chick flick while Dan was out. There were tears, too, of course. And a resignation of "this will never work on our own." We need intervention of some sort.

I was supposed to see the gynecologist to start on clomid this cycle. But DH was not ready to do his part, which was providing yet another sample. We fought, made up, talked it over, cried, prayed, and still did not resolve on what to do. The hardest part right now is that we know someone who works at the lab, which makes the act of bringing in a sample even harder (as if it is not hard enough in the first place!). And then we had the discussion of doing this the "natural" way versus the "scientific" way. Now that is what we are both reeling from.

I don't know what a Christian perspective to infertility is. I have heard stories from people who were barren and prayed and God answered their prayer and provided a miracle. The Bible is full of characters like that. And in every case, it is God who acts to bring the miracle. I think that is a beautiful thing. At the same time, here I sit, waiting... knowing there IS something that we can do to speed this process along. But in that, am I becoming like Sarah or Rebekah (or Rachel, I can't remember which), who took matters into their own hands and gave their husband to their maidservant to conceive a child with? While they got their wish and heart's desire, it came with hardship of its own. I can't think of a story of infertility in the Bible where God did not, eventually, hear from heaven and heal the womb. Does God still act in that way? What of the many, many people who suffer from infertility today. What of the scientific advances we have made, and of the possibilities for anybody to have a baby through sperm donors, IVF, surrogate mothers... what does God think of this? This world is so complex. The simple act of having a baby and giving life to a new being is no longer "simple." And that is all that I ache for - a simple life.

I do feel that we nee prayerful support these days. I think it is time to let people know where we are at. I just don't know how open Dan will be to that, and who we should ask. I don't know the scale of what help we need. I just know that I am in agony and my spirit hurts so badly right now. We have an appointment to see a counsellor in a few weeks. He is a Christian/former pastor, from Black Creek (outside of our community), and has worked through infertility/sexual issues with couples. A lot of male infertility is affected by psychological issues, so that is another avenue we have not yet explored.

I just really feel like we need to give up "trying" in a sense. We are not going to be able to do this on our own. I just don't know how to rely on God enough to help us, or what next step to take.

Lord, light our way, we pray.

the journey

Well, it’s time I start up with blogging again. Or at least try to. DH and I have embarked upon a new journey, and I decided it might help if I were better able to process some of the feelings and thoughts running through me. So, this is going to be that spot.

I was searching my brain for a title for this post, or this blog, but nothing came to mind. The blog title, “Home Grown Love” speaks of my dreams and inner heart’s desires. But in all honesty, at the present moment I feel slightly numb to those sentiments. I think that is what time elapsed and hopes dashed does to a person.

DH and I have been trying for a baby for quite some time now. In fact, it's been over 4 years since we officially "stopped using protection" and took on the attitude of, "if it happens, it happens." Unfortunately, it has not happened, and here we are four years later wondering what went wrong. Before I get to the present day, let me back up and tell you where we've been so far.

Four years ago (Sept. 2006) I decided to go off birth control (which I had only been on for 10 months) simply because I didn't like the side effects. We tried using alternative measures for a while, but we didn't like that either. So, we decided that we'd be "careful" around that time of month, but not really worry either way what happened. That was fine and dandy. We didn't really officially start "trying" at any point in time, but some months we would "try" harder than others, without much disappointment at the results. Probably towards the end of 2007, I started paying much more attention to things and the "trying" became more fervent. Well, in 2008 no baby had appeared and I went to my doctor. I told her the story and wanted to check to make sure things were okay. Her response was that there was no need for concern yet, and that couples need to be officially trying for over a year before they can embark on any fertility treatments. Fine.

Later that year we relocated to a new city and I found a new doctor, who was keen to have me tested to make sure things were okay (he had just started his practice and was excited to do any kind of testing that I asked for). I don't fully remember it all, but I think I had to do a series of blood tests around different times of my cycle. The test results all came back just fine, which was a relief. So, the next step was to have DH tested. Unfortunately for him, his test was slightly more "sensitive", and he had the task of taking 3 separate samples at different times over a few months. Fun. This, understandably, took a long time and a lot of pressure. And the results were not that helpful. They were not bad results, but there were some discrepancies and some hard to read results. Still, the doctors said that he was probably okay. During this time I also saw a naturopathic doctor and started to get my body ready to support a pregnancy if it came.

Come 2010, and we moved again. The last year had been quite busy and stressful with me completing my master's degree, working full-time, DH pastoring, us getting a puppy, and then moving to the island. They say stress is a big factor in fertility so it was a little bit easier to understand why it had not yet happened. But by this time we were seriously "trying." Since DH's count was a bit low, we were spacing it out, as they recommend. And I never knew exactly when I was ovulating, but I was sure that I was ovulating and since my cycle is quite consistent this was not a worry of ours. And still, nothing happened. So, I started seeing a naturopathic doctor here, and DH did too, and we continued on with the natural remedies that should make our bodies prime to conceive. I did acupuncture. I took homeopathic remedies, such as vitex. I boosted up my supplements and even took a prenatal multivitamin. DH took zinc and protein smoothies and worked to lose weight. And still nothing. So I saw my doctor here, and she referred me to the Women's Clinic here, specializing in fertility as well as prenatal and women's issues. My doctor there was great. He immediately ordered an HSG (write more about that next time) to see if my uterus had any blockages, which it didn't. He also ordered another sperm test for DH to see if his results are consistent. That is something he has not found time to do as of yet. But that is the last thing before we officially begin fertility treatments.

We'll start with a fertility drug, such as clomid (I'll write about these treatments later). If his sperm have any issues, we'll go for an IUI (or maybe a series of these). This is when they wash the sperm, and then insert it right into the uterus for more chances of conceiving. If this doesn't work, the next step is the dreaded...IVF (costing a couple thousand dollars at least).

So, there you have it. And here we sit, officially declared "infertile" by the medical world, while I watch more and more people glide through their 9 months of pregnancy and then onto their second child a few years later... It's later now and I don't have it in me to write of the emotional drain of this all, but that will come later I'm sure. Here begins the chronicles of this family's journey to have a child join along.