(Warning: This post was NOT edited and is actually one big vent session)
Grrr! It has been a terribly long, draining, stressful, exhausting, emotional kind of week. And tonight just capped it off.
Hosting is one of my favorite things to do. But I think I'm just going to have to give it up. As of now, I just realized that we have ZERO non-baby/kid friends in the valley. Apart from the college kids that kick around here sometimes, ALL of the couples we know are now either pregnant or already have kids... except for one couple that is moving away. Even the couple who didn't have kids and we knew were struggling with infertility (though they had not told us, someone else had) is now pregnant (though they still did not tell us either). And so a nice, relaxing potluck that was supposed to be a chance to come down after a long week turned into a night filled with screaming kids (there were only 2, but they were so loud!) and talk of all the woes of pregnancy. I had to actually walk away from the table at one point and pretend to busy myself in the kitchen. Actually, for most of the night I tried to "busy" myself as much as I could. It just was not any fun at all.
As a pastoral couple, we are expected to spend time with people, and I grew up "watching" my mom and dad invite people into our house. It's what I just love to do. I am way more comfortable having someone over and setting up the house, preparing the meal and doing the dishes than going somewhere where I don't know what to expect. But now I do not even enjoy having people into my home.
It probably didn't help that the week was so terrible and DH and I got into the HUGEST fight right before everyone came over. I started a new job this week. So, on top of an already-busy work week at my regular job (which had a few crises and highly intense moments), and on top of picking up the slack because DH hurt his back and couldn't walk the dog all week, and on top of saying goodbye to my crazy parents who are starting their shangra-la, mid-life-crisis, abandon all responsibility, travelling circus of a sabbatical... I started a new job. And it is intense. And it is hard. And I feel under-qualified. And I don't like the setting, or the people, or the bureaucracy (it's a government job). And it's the job I have always wanted to do, or so I thought. And did I mention it's intense? And it's really amazing pay. And it's great experience both for learning and my resume. And... and... and...
So, to sum it up, I worked my first day and came home really uncertain of if this job was a good fit for me right now. The job is sort of what I expected, but I like it way less than I expected. It feels like a lot of work and like it would take a lot of emotional resources. And so we discussed the pros and cons of me taking it, and as much as I would love to do this job, we just both felt like maybe it's too much to take on right now. But I felt like it wasn't fair for me to make such a quick judgement call, so I decided to go in today to give it one more shot. Well, I decided that when I got to work, because I was really, really, really scared of telling them I couldn't do it. I had already signed my life away, and met pretty much everyone in the office, and been given a key, and so on. And I really just HATE quitting something. Actually, I'm the total opposite and would rather take on EVERYTHING. So I knew it would be really hard to walk in there and quit. So, I texted my friend and she told me to get through today and evaluate over the weekend, which I thought was great advice. So I got through today. And I still didn't like the job by the end of the day and actually felt so stressed out. (I also forgot to mention that I was so stressed out all last night that I clenched my jaw like crazy and had a huge headache and woke up exhausted today).
Anyways (wow, this is a much longer vent than I planned on writing) when I got home DH got mad at me for being so stressed out and "not listening to his opinion" and it just escalated and was no good. The thing is, up until today he didn't have an opinion and was all like, "I'll support you in whatever you decide, etc." And I didn't "not" listen to his opinion. I definitely took his opinion to heart and had wanted him to tell me what he thought I should do. I agreed with him even. But I was having such a hard time implementing the decision and so decided to give it a bit more time for me to evaluate and be sure of it. And so, right as we were at the pinnacle of the fight, it was time for everyone to come.
I don't even remember where I was going with this post. Just that the night was "kid-filled" and no fun, and I was asked by the new couple we invited if we were going to have kids (they are a mixed couple, she is Korean and he is white) too. And now DH is still mad at me. And I'm burnt out. And I have to quit my job on Monday. And it's the worst week EVER!
Friday, November 4, 2011
Thursday, October 27, 2011
The Silence of Suffering
I like my dog but... she is not that great with toddlers yet. It's not that she doesn't like them - she just doesn't quite understand what they are yet, and tries to lunge at them and nip... So, when we were at the park playing with the other dogs and a little toddler starting coming towards us, I leashed her up. The man next to me asked me about it, and when I explained he asked if I have any kids. When I said "no," his immediate reply was, "Well, you should really get started on that!"
It's comments like that that make this struggle so hard. I was talking to my DH about the "olden days" back in Bible times when they didn't have things like birth control. If a married woman did not have any children after a little while, it would be pretty obvious to everyone that something was up. Nowadays, however, it's not that obvious. Those of us who are infertile are not seen outwardly as different than those who are choosing not to have kids. And so innocent seeming comments can hurt so much more. We are silent sufferers. Infertility is not an open, discuss in broad daylight kind of topic. And I think silent suffering is the hardest part. I wish I could just tell everyone about it. I just have no idea how to let my suffering be known... It's also not just mine to share, but my husband's as well. I think for guys there can be more a sense of shame, for some reason or other. I just wouldn't want to cause my DH to feel any worse about it than he already does (though nothing has been confirmed to be a problem on his end either). Blah!
In other news, I did see a counsellor today. It was actually a really good experience and I plan to go back. It was cathartic, which I needed... but it also I think affected me deeper and spurred on some needed change. I want to be more aware of my emotions, and not feel the need to suppress the ones I'm scared of and don't like. As a counsellor I know to do this, but it's not necessarily something I am good at. The TCM doctor told me that my struggle may be more emotional and the "bottling up" of emotions within me. I never thought I was a "bottler" but then I never even knew what anger truly was, or remember feeling sad, or other emotions I thought were "bad" when I was little. I'm not sure if that was just learned behavior from my parents (I think part of it was for sure) or something more, but it's something that has stuck with me. I'm not just trying this as yet another thing to "try" in hopes of making this work, but I think there may be validity in it. I don't know if I'll go back to the acupuncturist. I just really don't like acupuncture. My last treatment was super painful. I think she is one of the doctors who thinks that if there is some sort of blockage, she has to dig the needle in deeper to "break though" the blockage. That just bloody hurt! The whole experience was way more stressful than I think it should have been. It left a bruise in my belly even. Who bruises their belly? I did burst into tears at one point, and she told me it was good for me to release my inner emotions. Yet, I do that on almost a daily basis lately, it seems. Anyways, she did order some herbs for me to help with "spleen" blockage, so I will pick those up and give them a try.
My best friend since I was 6 years old is coming to visit tomorrow. I warned her that I was a stress case right now, but I am really excited to see her! I'll try to keep my clomid induced tears and meltdowns to a minimum.
It's comments like that that make this struggle so hard. I was talking to my DH about the "olden days" back in Bible times when they didn't have things like birth control. If a married woman did not have any children after a little while, it would be pretty obvious to everyone that something was up. Nowadays, however, it's not that obvious. Those of us who are infertile are not seen outwardly as different than those who are choosing not to have kids. And so innocent seeming comments can hurt so much more. We are silent sufferers. Infertility is not an open, discuss in broad daylight kind of topic. And I think silent suffering is the hardest part. I wish I could just tell everyone about it. I just have no idea how to let my suffering be known... It's also not just mine to share, but my husband's as well. I think for guys there can be more a sense of shame, for some reason or other. I just wouldn't want to cause my DH to feel any worse about it than he already does (though nothing has been confirmed to be a problem on his end either). Blah!
In other news, I did see a counsellor today. It was actually a really good experience and I plan to go back. It was cathartic, which I needed... but it also I think affected me deeper and spurred on some needed change. I want to be more aware of my emotions, and not feel the need to suppress the ones I'm scared of and don't like. As a counsellor I know to do this, but it's not necessarily something I am good at. The TCM doctor told me that my struggle may be more emotional and the "bottling up" of emotions within me. I never thought I was a "bottler" but then I never even knew what anger truly was, or remember feeling sad, or other emotions I thought were "bad" when I was little. I'm not sure if that was just learned behavior from my parents (I think part of it was for sure) or something more, but it's something that has stuck with me. I'm not just trying this as yet another thing to "try" in hopes of making this work, but I think there may be validity in it. I don't know if I'll go back to the acupuncturist. I just really don't like acupuncture. My last treatment was super painful. I think she is one of the doctors who thinks that if there is some sort of blockage, she has to dig the needle in deeper to "break though" the blockage. That just bloody hurt! The whole experience was way more stressful than I think it should have been. It left a bruise in my belly even. Who bruises their belly? I did burst into tears at one point, and she told me it was good for me to release my inner emotions. Yet, I do that on almost a daily basis lately, it seems. Anyways, she did order some herbs for me to help with "spleen" blockage, so I will pick those up and give them a try.
My best friend since I was 6 years old is coming to visit tomorrow. I warned her that I was a stress case right now, but I am really excited to see her! I'll try to keep my clomid induced tears and meltdowns to a minimum.
Friday, October 14, 2011
For Fun
Just came across an awesome blog and post that made me laugh like crazy! Happy reading.
http://joysofinfertility.com/2011/but-thats-the-fun-part-right.php#comment-133
http://joysofinfertility.com/2011/but-thats-the-fun-part-right.php#comment-133
TCM and Acupuncture
Well, I visited another TCM practitioner today. I specifically wanted to check about traditional chinese medical herbs. Let me back up a bit to fill in some things that have happened in the last month or so.
First of all, I met my new baby niece for the first time. The visit actually went pretty well. I didn't have any major meltdowns like I expected. She was sweet but still a bit too little to have much personality, so I didn't feel like I bonded terribly to her (which was just fine). The hardest part about the visit was being around my parents. I don't know why, but it just made me incredibly mad seeing them act as grandparents. I felt like my dad wasn't being authentic and was just saying things that he thought he should say - cheesy jokes about being a grandfather and how his granddaughter was the best thing ever. It just annoyed me. Anyways, got through that and started the new job and have been spending time adjusting to it all.
In other news, did I mention about DH's cousin? I recently found out that she has been struggling with infertility as well. And then she heard about this TCM doctor in Oregon who specializes with infertility and who actually offers a money back guarantee if you don't get pregnant within the year. She went to see him and was diagnosed with a cold uterus. She started on some chinese herbs and actually became pregnant right away. However, she had a miscarriage and lost the baby before she was very far. DH's mom had offered to take me to see this doctor, but after we found out about the miscarriage we weren't sure what to think. I decided that I still would like to pursue the route of TCM because I've heard of a lot of success with it. So today I went to talk to a doctor here in town to see if she could help. She asked me a lot of questions and then did an acupuncture treatment and massage. She said that my case was hard to diagnose (mainly because nothing really seems wrong), but during acupuncture she talked about spleen qi blockage and too much heat in my abdomen. My stomach is pretty sensitive and ticklish (isn't everyone's?) and she said that means that the energy was blocked and not getting through there. I really don't know. I'm still not sure I fully buy everything she said, but the acupuncture was kind of nice. She did way more needles than the ND usually does. I started to get a bit anxious part-way through and told her, and then as I was talking about it I started crying. She said it was good because I was releasing emotion. After the treatment she did a massage on my abdomen. I felt really good after, like I had a huge emotional release. And I was really tired too. She said I should come back next week and that she did have a formulation that would help to release the energy in my abdomen. I just don't know. I never like acupuncture while it is happening, and I don't know if I feel way different after, but I feel like I am doing SOMETHING! I'm sure that energy release is never a bad thing (if in fact it is working). I don't know. Has anyone had experience with acupuncture and found it helpful?
First of all, I met my new baby niece for the first time. The visit actually went pretty well. I didn't have any major meltdowns like I expected. She was sweet but still a bit too little to have much personality, so I didn't feel like I bonded terribly to her (which was just fine). The hardest part about the visit was being around my parents. I don't know why, but it just made me incredibly mad seeing them act as grandparents. I felt like my dad wasn't being authentic and was just saying things that he thought he should say - cheesy jokes about being a grandfather and how his granddaughter was the best thing ever. It just annoyed me. Anyways, got through that and started the new job and have been spending time adjusting to it all.
In other news, did I mention about DH's cousin? I recently found out that she has been struggling with infertility as well. And then she heard about this TCM doctor in Oregon who specializes with infertility and who actually offers a money back guarantee if you don't get pregnant within the year. She went to see him and was diagnosed with a cold uterus. She started on some chinese herbs and actually became pregnant right away. However, she had a miscarriage and lost the baby before she was very far. DH's mom had offered to take me to see this doctor, but after we found out about the miscarriage we weren't sure what to think. I decided that I still would like to pursue the route of TCM because I've heard of a lot of success with it. So today I went to talk to a doctor here in town to see if she could help. She asked me a lot of questions and then did an acupuncture treatment and massage. She said that my case was hard to diagnose (mainly because nothing really seems wrong), but during acupuncture she talked about spleen qi blockage and too much heat in my abdomen. My stomach is pretty sensitive and ticklish (isn't everyone's?) and she said that means that the energy was blocked and not getting through there. I really don't know. I'm still not sure I fully buy everything she said, but the acupuncture was kind of nice. She did way more needles than the ND usually does. I started to get a bit anxious part-way through and told her, and then as I was talking about it I started crying. She said it was good because I was releasing emotion. After the treatment she did a massage on my abdomen. I felt really good after, like I had a huge emotional release. And I was really tired too. She said I should come back next week and that she did have a formulation that would help to release the energy in my abdomen. I just don't know. I never like acupuncture while it is happening, and I don't know if I feel way different after, but I feel like I am doing SOMETHING! I'm sure that energy release is never a bad thing (if in fact it is working). I don't know. Has anyone had experience with acupuncture and found it helpful?
Thursday, October 13, 2011
Blogging
I am still what would be considered "new" to blogging and, as you can tell, still do not blog on a regular basis. But what I am stuck up on is how to "get followers" for my blog? And let me say right away that it is not that I want the fame or fortune that comes with having followers (which is something I don't get to tell you the truth). What I am looking for is meaningful exchange of ideas and support through this medium. I'm just not quite sure how to find it. I think I will try to expand my blog a bit and work on attracting other audiences too. I probably should check back on things a bit more often too... But if anyone has any tips, I would be very glad to hear them! Maybe I will start to advertise my blog with some friends and that too... I just should read through and make sure that there is nothing I don't want others to come across (esp. about DH for his own privacy too).
Anyways, things on this front have been in transition yet going well. I have started my new job (almost a month there now), and found the adjustment was actually quite tough. I was working both jobs for a while, and then trying to get used to the extra time off (which I promptly filled with all sorts of projects and things to the point that Thanksgiving weekend was actually exhausting!). I am finally now getting into a better schedule of things. And now I'm trying to decide if I should take on a bit more work that has been offered to me (an awesome opportunity) or if that will get in the way of other things that are more important too. I hope the next month will be really settling into the routine of things. I'll try to post a few pics at the end of this post, just to update you on what I've been up to.
This is a shot of our recent time at Long Beach, Tofino. If you've never been, you just have to go!
And here is a picture of our dog and my baby niece I just met recently:
And a project I took up this weekend - picking and dealing with the apples from our tree. Made a dozen litres of applesauce and apple cider. Yum!
Anyways, things on this front have been in transition yet going well. I have started my new job (almost a month there now), and found the adjustment was actually quite tough. I was working both jobs for a while, and then trying to get used to the extra time off (which I promptly filled with all sorts of projects and things to the point that Thanksgiving weekend was actually exhausting!). I am finally now getting into a better schedule of things. And now I'm trying to decide if I should take on a bit more work that has been offered to me (an awesome opportunity) or if that will get in the way of other things that are more important too. I hope the next month will be really settling into the routine of things. I'll try to post a few pics at the end of this post, just to update you on what I've been up to.
This is a shot of our recent time at Long Beach, Tofino. If you've never been, you just have to go!
And here is a picture of our dog and my baby niece I just met recently:
And a project I took up this weekend - picking and dealing with the apples from our tree. Made a dozen litres of applesauce and apple cider. Yum!
Monday, October 3, 2011
Guilty as charged...
Guilt. I recently realized that this is something that I am carrying with me on this journey of infertility. Not a guilt that I have done something wrong. And not a guilt that I am somehow inferior. But a guilt and shame that cannot be easily described. This is why we have not told many people about our struggles. I feel like naming it implies somehow that we are not _____(fill in the blank) enough. Not good enough. Not trying enough. Not well enough. Not stress-free enough. Not enough.
I hate this disease. I hate that we have to grieve in secrecy. I hate all the stupid comments insensitive people make. I hate not knowing how to deal with the emotional consequences, and not even know where to go or who to go to...
I just found a site and read an article on unexplained infertility that I really appreciated. It described me. Maybe this will be of some hope to someone else too.
http://www.resolve.org/diagnosis-management/infertility-diagnosis/unexplained-infertility.html
I hate this disease. I hate that we have to grieve in secrecy. I hate all the stupid comments insensitive people make. I hate not knowing how to deal with the emotional consequences, and not even know where to go or who to go to...
I just found a site and read an article on unexplained infertility that I really appreciated. It described me. Maybe this will be of some hope to someone else too.
http://www.resolve.org/diagnosis-management/infertility-diagnosis/unexplained-infertility.html
Thursday, September 1, 2011
Ferritin up = good!
I guess a lot has happened since I last posted. I've been wanting to post for a while, but not felt like I had too much to say... and I was feeling lazy about posting and more like I would rather spend time on other areas of my life. Here's the scoop. I got the job! Starting Sept. 14th, I will be working as a therapist on a maternity leave position. It is a great job, great experience, and great timing. I am ready to be done my current job. The people are great, but the job is sometimes boring. This new job is only 3 days per week, and yet I'll be making double what I was making before. That is pretty good to me. Gives me more time to focus on other priorities in life too (which I really need to do right now).
So, DH is away right now on a week-long camping/hiking (intense trail hiking) trip. I really didn't want him to go. I didn't know how I would make it through this week without him. However, I seem to be doing pretty well so far. I actually found that when he left, I felt like a weight lifted and I became SUPER excited about some time alone! I feel like I just haven't had time alone at our house for a long time. We came back from holidays, which were pretty "people" full, I work with people, and when I come home, DH is always there (which is great, but sometimes I just need some time alone). So, I've taken on crazy amounts of projects and organizing getting "ready" for fall and the coming of a student, and visiting bro and sis-in-law (and new baby niece). I am actually crazy excited to meet my (first) baby niece in a few days. Somehow, I just feel like it will be a therapeutic time. I am pretty sure I will bawl my eyes out when I meet her (and maybe other times after that), but I already know there will be a connection and I cannot wait to see her, and hold her, and cuddle her!
Now, as for me... 2nd round of clomid did not seem as bad. Actually, I did not feel nearly as "crazy" as the first time around. Maybe holidays and everything helped with that. And now I'm in "new job mode" so that is driving my mood a bit more. The last few days is when I felt the most moody and emotional. Other than that, it's been pretty smooth sailing. Even ovulation was not as bad as last time. Now I am at day 29 and no AF yet, but I am pretty sure it's coming. My temp dropped .2 this morning (it is still high though - this whole time since ovulation has been higher than normal) and I had very light spotting 2 days ago (normally comes 2 days before AF). So, we'll see what the rest of today and tomorrow brings. At this point, I think we really need to focus on the general health/wellbeing of DH. He is more stressed than I. He needs to lose more weight than I. His "optimal health" probably needs the most work. Even though his tests were all fine, I feel this might be a big part of things. I also got my blood work done again. My ferritin is up! Hooray! That is probably why I am feeling better about life and things too. I still feel quite tired and a bit burnt out. I'm not just where I'd like to be with energy, but that's okay. So, that's a bit of an update. The latter part of this week is dragging on... and I am now ready for DH to be back (and there are still 3-4 days to go). I'm lonely, but don't feel like reaching out to people. I am tired but don't want to rest. I want to organize and nest, and spend time with my puppy (whom I really love and has truly become my baby). If I love her this much, I can only imagine what it will be like to have an actual baby to love. There you have it!
So, DH is away right now on a week-long camping/hiking (intense trail hiking) trip. I really didn't want him to go. I didn't know how I would make it through this week without him. However, I seem to be doing pretty well so far. I actually found that when he left, I felt like a weight lifted and I became SUPER excited about some time alone! I feel like I just haven't had time alone at our house for a long time. We came back from holidays, which were pretty "people" full, I work with people, and when I come home, DH is always there (which is great, but sometimes I just need some time alone). So, I've taken on crazy amounts of projects and organizing getting "ready" for fall and the coming of a student, and visiting bro and sis-in-law (and new baby niece). I am actually crazy excited to meet my (first) baby niece in a few days. Somehow, I just feel like it will be a therapeutic time. I am pretty sure I will bawl my eyes out when I meet her (and maybe other times after that), but I already know there will be a connection and I cannot wait to see her, and hold her, and cuddle her!
Now, as for me... 2nd round of clomid did not seem as bad. Actually, I did not feel nearly as "crazy" as the first time around. Maybe holidays and everything helped with that. And now I'm in "new job mode" so that is driving my mood a bit more. The last few days is when I felt the most moody and emotional. Other than that, it's been pretty smooth sailing. Even ovulation was not as bad as last time. Now I am at day 29 and no AF yet, but I am pretty sure it's coming. My temp dropped .2 this morning (it is still high though - this whole time since ovulation has been higher than normal) and I had very light spotting 2 days ago (normally comes 2 days before AF). So, we'll see what the rest of today and tomorrow brings. At this point, I think we really need to focus on the general health/wellbeing of DH. He is more stressed than I. He needs to lose more weight than I. His "optimal health" probably needs the most work. Even though his tests were all fine, I feel this might be a big part of things. I also got my blood work done again. My ferritin is up! Hooray! That is probably why I am feeling better about life and things too. I still feel quite tired and a bit burnt out. I'm not just where I'd like to be with energy, but that's okay. So, that's a bit of an update. The latter part of this week is dragging on... and I am now ready for DH to be back (and there are still 3-4 days to go). I'm lonely, but don't feel like reaching out to people. I am tired but don't want to rest. I want to organize and nest, and spend time with my puppy (whom I really love and has truly become my baby). If I love her this much, I can only imagine what it will be like to have an actual baby to love. There you have it!
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