Ringing in the New Year

Well, I never liked setting New Year's resolutions and normally I scoff at those who do.  To me, it just seems cheesy.  I set goals all the time but to make a big deal of it just seems silly to me.  However, this year DH and I really want to be intentional about losing weight.  As much as I have been "trying" to stay healthy, I have extra poundage that I don't want to be there.  And for him, it's more of a health thing.  He is not at optimal weight and is at risk for developing diabetes, so the safer, the better.  Also, my secret reason for losing weight is a bit of vanity.  All the cool ones these days are super skinny.  I don't want to be one of them... but all the cool fashion looks way better on those who are not slightly overweight.  Is it terrible that I want to dress more hip but need to lose some weight to do so???

So, I figure what I need is a bit of accountability to keep me going.  I am pretty self-motivated, but I am going to be trying some things that are not in my normal repertoire of self-health and I may need a bit of a kick in the pants.  I'd love to find a free online community where I can do check-ins, but one that is not too time consuming.  I looked into Weight Watchers, but I just don't want to pay the money to do something I'm sure I can do for free.  If I could find an App for my iPhone too, that would probably be helpful.

This is what my plan is:
- I'm going to start going to the gym again, trying for at least 3x/week.  I have been doing workouts at home that are great and I'll continue those on days I can't make it to the gym.  I will focus on doing more interval training to kick my body into gear first.  The weights really do help to firm me up but I also need to trim down, so that is how I will focus my cardio.  I will start with weights, with some high intensity short spurts of cardio and then finish with cardio too.
- I will also take a brisk walk each day.  This works well because I have the dog and end up walking her almost every day anyways. 
- I will cut down my portions for meals.  This is always hard for me because I love food, but I will really try to eat a smaller amount.
- I will limit my sugar intake.  I think this is key for me!  I am going to try a partial sugar cleanse in January and try not to eat any sweets, cookies, cakes, etc. for the whole month.  I will let myself have some sugar in tea/coffee and maybe a bit of dark chocolate now and then.  I am not going crazy with the sugar cleanse, in that I will completely avoid any packaged food that has sugar in it (granola bars, cereal) but I will try to be intentional about avoiding it where I can.
- I will limit my coffee/tea consumption.  I have been trying to do have only 2 caffeinated drinks per day, but with the holidays that has not been the case.  I am trying to switch more to green tea and only have one coffee a day (and maybe a cup of black tea too).  I think that if I am getting enough rest, I should be able to manage.  I mainly just drink when I am tired and lately I feel tired all the time.  That is something I hope to improve too. 
- I have wondered about cutting out gluten from my diet.  I know a lot of people who are doing this and finding great health benefits.  I have been tested for Celiac's but it came up negative.  Later I heard that if you haven't been eating much wheat before the test it may not pick it up.  I wonder about auto-immune things with the way my white blood cell count is so low but it hasn't been a big enough problem to be tested for anything.  I may try to experiment with cutting down gluten and maybe even try a short stint of gluten-free to see if it makes a difference.  That depends on how busy I am. 

So, there you have it.  My plan for health for 2012.  If you have any tips/suggestions, feel free to pass them on!

Happy Anniversary!

Today is our 6th year wedding anniversary!  It is a gorgeous, sunny day and we have no obligations.  DH is currently making me breakfast (and he rushed out this morning while I was walking the dog to buy me some pretty red and white tulips).  What a sweetie!  We are hoping to go out snowshoeing later this afternoon (night snowshoeing).  We don't have much money right now, so nothing fancy, but just spending the day together.  It should be nice.

Little holiday

Just got back from our mini-holiday away to one of my absolute favorite cities... Vancouver.  It rained a lot (as you can see from the photo below) but we had a good time.  It felt a bit weird because we were playing tour guides to our student and his sister and they mainly talked to each other in Cantonese.  So we were somewhat alone in our conversations but yet we were not actually alone... 

We saw some sights, ate some good food (too much) and drank great coffee. 

It was a quick overnight trip, but pretty enjoyable.  It was nice to be in a big city and not feel so out of place being the only 30-year old, married-without-kids couple.  Surprisingly, I'm even feeling social tonight and we're going out to visit with our friends P & J.  I'll catch up on my comments from ICLW tomorrow! 

Merry worst Christmas ever...

I planned to write a Merry Christmas post yesterday... but the day did not pan out how I hoped and I didn't want to write a super negative post on Christmas.   Now that I've had a day to think about it, things have settled a bit and hopefully I can find something meaningful from what happened. 

Christmas day started off really nice.  I woke up early and made some tea and sat by the Christmas tree, then cuddled up and went back to sleep again.  DH made a delicious breakfast of eggs benedict and drank the coffee with the beans our friend had roasted for us.  We opened up presents.  The day was going great. 

Things turned right around 12:00.  All I wanted to do on Christmas day was to start a fire, and cuddle up with DH watching movies and knitting.  We have an exchange student living with us and his sister is also visiting for Christmas.  Now having them around is not bad... but we are never quite alone.  Our student does not leave the house lots and so when our house s empty, we revel in it.  The plan for Christmas is that a group of them were going to go up to the mountain skiing.  We were ecstatic.  We have been so busy with people and we really just needed some time to ourselves.  Well, it turned out that the skiing trip was CANCELED and nobody bothered to tell our student.  So, DH went to drop them off at the meet-up spot and nobody was there and they had to come back. 

This was too much for me.  I went up to our bedroom and had the biggest meltdown of my life.  I sobbed for almost an hour (or so it felt).  I had already been feeling sick with a stomach flu, and this ruined everything I was hoping for.  I admit, it was overdramatic... but I just really needed this day.  DH tried real hard to cheer me up and "fix" the situation (which I felt could not be fixed).  He suggested that we go up the mountain with them, but I was feeling really sick.  He suggested that he take them while I rested, but I did not want to be alone.  There was nothing that would make me happy.  Well, to sum it up the rest of the afternoon was spent in bed... I slept, we fought, he slept, we fought...  the afternoon wasted away.  The thing is, I am not a fighter.  We never used to fight like this.  It seems that IF has taken its toll on our marriage and is trying its hardest to draw us apart.  Neither of us want that. 

So, amidst all the drama and tension and yuck on Christmas day... we came to some conclusions.  I hope we can learn from this and move on.  I hope this is the start of a new time in our lives.  I'm still processing a lot as I write, so I apologize for the wordiness of this post.  I just never want to experience a day like yesterday EVER again...  I did not know it was possible to have fights that dirty and ugly.  The topic of divorce even crossed our lips... not that either of us want that, we just decided that if things were going to continue the way they had been, we couldn't take it. 

Anyways, here is what I came away with:

- As much as I try to make sure DH is first in my life, he sometimes feels like I care more about having a baby than about his feelings about things.  I can understand this.  In my zeal to get things done, I can trample over feelings, but I always get things accomplished.  I will try to be aware of his feelings at all times.
- DH has been under a lot of stress lately.  He carries other people's burdens and does not know how to handle all the stress sometimes.  The biggest thing I can do to help is to support him... not try to fix things, not try to take off the burden in other areas... just support him.  Care for him, cook for him, clean for him... this is how he knows I love him.
- We need to enjoy our lives more.  I know that sounds silly, but if you've been following me at all, you will see that I have not been happy in the last little while.  And this just kills DH.  His biggest goal in life (okay maybe that's an exaggeration, but close) is to make me happy.  And when I'm not happy... even when it's not his fault... he feels the burden and tries to do whatever he can to make me happy.  When I don't get happy, he gets angry and feels like a failure.  I know it's a bit messed up... but it is something that will take him a while to work on.  In the meantime, I can try to enjoy life a bit more and this will ease his stress and make him happy too. 
- Closely tied to that, I need to find some other areas of support and not count solely on DH to support me.  He is wonderful.  But I think he is struggling with things more than he even realizes and when I burst into tears every time I see a baby or pregnant lady, it just makes him feel more helpless.  There are so many other areas in our life that are good right now.  We have lots going on for us.  We have a house, good jobs, friends and family, the desire to travel, a cute little puppy... we CAN be happy without a baby around.  I know this in my head, but not always my heart.  I want to be happy.  I don't know if it is different for girls and if we have this nurturing instinct that needs to be filled... (DH says I should just nurture the heck out of him!) but I want to be content either way.  It's hard because we live in a small town where people get married when they are 20 and have at least 3 kids by the time they are 25.  There is literally nobody our age who is married without kids.  Nobody.  If we lived in a bigger city this might be easier.  So I don't know how to do this, but I will try.  We will try to find joy in the places we can and not compare our lives to others around us. 
- We still plan to go ahead with IUI if the timing works.  This will not be a "must" in our lives, but we will try to make it work.  This month it does not work with the timing around New Year's, but we'll try for February.  If it doesn't look like we will have a kid by next Christmas, I would like to pursue adoption.  This is the first time that has been a real consideration for me.  I'm not sure how DH feels but I'll give him time to process that.  Also, next Christmas I really want to save up for a trip away.  It is too hard to celebrate Christmas at home without a "family" around. 
- I need to work on being okay when things don't go my way.  This is such a hard one for me...  I have struggled with it as long as I remember.  My plan A is always the most efficient, effective, and I usually take everyone into consideration.  When that doesn't work, plan B is never good enough for me.  And I sulk.  I do this without even realizing it.  I need to get better at it, but I have no idea how.  DH is so flexible and willing to adapt... so much so that I end up taking control without even realizing it.  But I don't want it to be this way.  Oh Lord, help me!
- We need to have faith again.  Both of us are going through a faith crisis and wondering if what we believe is really true.  But we need this faith in order to have hope.  I don't know how to resolve this.  I even prayed yesterday that God would show us a sign... show up in a dream like he did with Mary and Joesph, send something to clearly show us that He is there. 

Well... whew!  That is a lot and such a heavy post for Christmas.  I would be surprised if anyone read this far along.  But thank you for letting me express where I am at.  This is really helpful. 

We are heading to Vancouver for the next few days so I won't be around too much to post.  I'm hoping for a good time just to refresh and get out of the small town and get some perspective. 

With all that said, Merry Christmas and a Happy New Year!  I hope your Christmas was much more uneventful than mine.  :)

A little lonely

I'm feeling a little lonely today now that our friends are gone.  It's nice to be on holidays.  This morning I slept in, went for a run, and did a few chores - all at such a leisurely pace.  It's noon and all I have to do is put a roast in the oven in a little while and put on some rice.  That feels very nice.  But in the quietness, I realize how alone I am feeling.  Not just people alone.  We have some people around us.  We were invited for Christmas dinner tomorrow night and declined.  I think I feel alone because Christmas, to me, is all about family.  At Christmas time, people gather.  There are lots of get-togethers and meals and activities in groups.  It does not involve a single person slaving away in the kitchen alone, but all the family gathered and each pitching in.  Decisions are all joint and there are bound to be disagreements, but that is what family is all about. 

This year I feel the lack of family so strongly.  All of my immediate family is out of the country.  DH's family can't get away for Christmas, and so we are alone.  The sting of infertility is doubled as I imagine what it would be like to have our own child this Christmas.  The sharing of traditions, the joy in watching a child's excitement, even the entertainment of having a baby around...  all of that is void.  And so I try to muster up the appreciation and even some joy for Christmas, but it all falls short. 

Oh Lord, let this be the last year we are alone for Christmas...

Holiday Fun

Today we went for a snowshoe with our pup.  Her little booties didn't last on her feet for long, but she absolutely LOVED the snow!  I had a great time too, even though we didn't go for long.  The past few days have been really nice.  I actually have felt like getting out and doing things again.  Yesterday we had Christmas dinner with our friends who were visiting.  It was wonderful!  I think the turkey was the best I had ever made (I brined it in apple cider overnight).  We ate, and ate, and drank, and ate some more.  We did a little gift exchange (see below) and then watched a movie and snacked some more.  It was a perfect "Christmas" day.  It was really nice to have a friend around who I didn't have to "be" a certain way.  She knows me.  She knows what we are going through, and she handles it perfectly!  She ask how we're doing and all, but doesn't press for information or try to offer silly suggestions.  It was so nice not to have to worry about filtering what I say.  I feel now like we have had a good Christmas just because of this visit.

In other news, I called the fertility clinic today to see when they are open around New Years, because now it just so happens that that will be likely when I am ovulating.  I had not picked up clomid for this month yet but was worried when I saw that I was going to ovulate on a weekend again.  Well, it turns out that they are closed from now until January 3rd!  No warning or nothing for me.  So, I guess we won't be doing IUI this month around.  Yes, I'm disappointed, but in a way this is a nice break from the pressure of everything.  I'm glad to take a break from clomid for this month.  I'm glad to enjoy our wedding anniversary (Dec. 30th) without the pressure of trying to schedule in a procedure right around the time.  I really hope to be able to relax and enjoy this Christmas holidays.  Looks like I'm off to a good start!

About me

For those of you blog-hopping around this week, I was inspired by M at http://alwayswishhopethinkpray.blogspot.com to list 5 random facts about me.
1. I just received my diploma in the mail for graduating with my MA in Counselling Psychology.  Hooray!  The paper makes it so official.
2. I'm kind of a huge homebody.  I love being at home.  I love doing things for my home.  I'm still new to "crafting" but I enjoy knitting, some sewing, baking, canning, and just living in a pretty space.  Maybe I'll show you around my home sometime...
3. I live on Vancouver Island in B.C., Canada.  Honestly, I have traveled the world (okay some of it), and the beauty found here is incomparable.  Seriously, if you have not made it to B.C., you NEED to come!
4. I love outdoor activities.  I'm not a huge extreme sports person, but I like snowshoeing, cross country skiing, canoeing, hiking, biking (only leisurely), etc.  I take a walk at least once a day and that is my time to refresh. 
5. Currently, I am the only member of my family in Canada, though we are all from here.  My parents are in California and getting ready to go to Israel, my little sister lives in Australia, and my little brother (and wife and niece) in Montana.  It's nice to be home for Christmas (our first Christmas in our first home), but sad to have everyone spread so far.  A little lonely here this year.

Well, that's me.  I'd love to get to know you, so feel free to leave some random facts about you.