Friday, September 27, 2013
Pic of the day: 32 Weeks
Time for a belly update! Here I am at 32 weeks with twins. I expected I'd look bigger but the bump really does wrap around my belly towards my back more than sticking out in front.
Thursday, September 26, 2013
32 Weeks...we made it!
Wowee! We've made it to the 32 week mark. I can tell you, when I was admitted to the hospital at 27w5d, I did not think we would make it this far. This was my goal week and we are here. Now I'm aiming for 34 weeks and I have a good chance of making it, I think. After 34 weeks, I'd feel pretty relaxed for the babies to come at any point in time. I know if they came now, we still could have a bit of an NICU stay, but a couple more weeks would make that stay substantially shorter.
This week was pretty uneventful (which I do think I am saying a lot these days). I think I had a swing of hormones combined with the realization of being in the hospital for 4 weeks, and that brought my mood down for a few days. The other day I didn't really get out of bed till 2pm and I just felt very depressed. I've also been way more tired again, and I read that could be due to a surge in progesterone around this point in time. It's hard to motivate myself to do much of anything... I really just could lay around in bed all day. I try not to, because that doesn't necessarily help my mood. Even if I get some knitting done, or read a book, or make a blog post, I feel like I am accomplishing something. It makes me worried that I am going to be useless when I do leave the hospital because I feel so comfortable being lazy right now (and yet I don't like it at the same time too).
Physically, I am more and more sore each day. Those ligaments are stretched to the max and every move I make hurts. Sleeping at night is tough, and rolling over is just painful. I can't sleep in any position longer than an hour, which is why I am probably so tired (restless sleep). I have quite the collection of stretch marks around the sides of my belly and now starting down my inner thigh (who knew?). My hips, rump and upper thighs feel HUGE! I think that is going to be the hardest weight to lose. Fortunately, I don't have any other swelling in my ankles or face just yet. I almost don't think I've gained a pound in my face at all.
I think I am having more braxton hicks contractions lately. It's a weird sensation, almost as if a wave moves through my belly like a ballooon blowing up and then subsides. The babies are somewhat active, but not too crazy. It's just like a roley poley kind of movement. They are crowding towards the outside of my belly, though, and there have been multiple times I have felt specific body parts (usually I'm guessing, but I'm sure I've felt a hand, a bum, and a foot). And Baby B still gets the hiccups every day.
That's about all I can think of right now. I'm still waiting to hear when I will be transferred to the hospital closer to our home. I'm occupying myself with reading (a novel series, and a book on infant brain development), watching downloaded TV shows (Scrubs, and now the fall series that are beginning - Modern Family, New Girl, The Mindy Project), and knitting (finished my preemie toques and baby legs for my niece, and am working on a neck cowl for myself and considering starting a baby sweater). We've had sun this week that is supposed to turn to rain so I've been outside almost every day too, which is just lovely!
Happy 32 weeks!!!
This week was pretty uneventful (which I do think I am saying a lot these days). I think I had a swing of hormones combined with the realization of being in the hospital for 4 weeks, and that brought my mood down for a few days. The other day I didn't really get out of bed till 2pm and I just felt very depressed. I've also been way more tired again, and I read that could be due to a surge in progesterone around this point in time. It's hard to motivate myself to do much of anything... I really just could lay around in bed all day. I try not to, because that doesn't necessarily help my mood. Even if I get some knitting done, or read a book, or make a blog post, I feel like I am accomplishing something. It makes me worried that I am going to be useless when I do leave the hospital because I feel so comfortable being lazy right now (and yet I don't like it at the same time too).
Physically, I am more and more sore each day. Those ligaments are stretched to the max and every move I make hurts. Sleeping at night is tough, and rolling over is just painful. I can't sleep in any position longer than an hour, which is why I am probably so tired (restless sleep). I have quite the collection of stretch marks around the sides of my belly and now starting down my inner thigh (who knew?). My hips, rump and upper thighs feel HUGE! I think that is going to be the hardest weight to lose. Fortunately, I don't have any other swelling in my ankles or face just yet. I almost don't think I've gained a pound in my face at all.
I think I am having more braxton hicks contractions lately. It's a weird sensation, almost as if a wave moves through my belly like a ballooon blowing up and then subsides. The babies are somewhat active, but not too crazy. It's just like a roley poley kind of movement. They are crowding towards the outside of my belly, though, and there have been multiple times I have felt specific body parts (usually I'm guessing, but I'm sure I've felt a hand, a bum, and a foot). And Baby B still gets the hiccups every day.
That's about all I can think of right now. I'm still waiting to hear when I will be transferred to the hospital closer to our home. I'm occupying myself with reading (a novel series, and a book on infant brain development), watching downloaded TV shows (Scrubs, and now the fall series that are beginning - Modern Family, New Girl, The Mindy Project), and knitting (finished my preemie toques and baby legs for my niece, and am working on a neck cowl for myself and considering starting a baby sweater). We've had sun this week that is supposed to turn to rain so I've been outside almost every day too, which is just lovely!
Happy 32 weeks!!!
Wednesday, September 25, 2013
Hospital time count: Four weeks
Four weeks. That is how long I have been in the hospital. Four...long...weeks.
Which makes my total time on "bed rest" 10 weeks. That's almost a whole trimester spent just on bed rest. Wow. And there still is another month to go before I could potentially go home, unless these babies arrive before then.
I must say, this is not how I expected pregnancy to be, even with twins. I also can't honestly say I have enjoyed pregnancy. The physical part of being pregnant has been fine, but all this other stuff has definitely brought me down. In some ways, it has taken out the joy of being pregnant that I so looked forward to. Throughout our battle with infertility, one of the things I longed for was to experience what it was like to be pregnant. I didn't just want to end up with a baby, I wanted to be pregnant, to give birth, to go through all those bits and pieces. I guess I feel like this experience has stripped me of a lot of those moments. Don't get me wrong, the end result will be more than worth it. The thought of meeting these babies is the only thing getting me through! It's just disappointing that it can't have been more fun all along.
Which makes my total time on "bed rest" 10 weeks. That's almost a whole trimester spent just on bed rest. Wow. And there still is another month to go before I could potentially go home, unless these babies arrive before then.
I must say, this is not how I expected pregnancy to be, even with twins. I also can't honestly say I have enjoyed pregnancy. The physical part of being pregnant has been fine, but all this other stuff has definitely brought me down. In some ways, it has taken out the joy of being pregnant that I so looked forward to. Throughout our battle with infertility, one of the things I longed for was to experience what it was like to be pregnant. I didn't just want to end up with a baby, I wanted to be pregnant, to give birth, to go through all those bits and pieces. I guess I feel like this experience has stripped me of a lot of those moments. Don't get me wrong, the end result will be more than worth it. The thought of meeting these babies is the only thing getting me through! It's just disappointing that it can't have been more fun all along.
Tuesday, September 24, 2013
Sneak Peek
Yesterday DH and my dad finally hung the wallpaper in the nursery! The walls are painted (the pic makes it look more blue than it actually is...it is supposed to be soft grey), the cribs are ready to go and it's time for the rest of the touches to prepare the room. Did I mention that a bunch of my girl friends are coming over to set up the nursery for me? (Most of them are moms already, which will be so helpful). I love it so far and I can't wait to see it done!
Here's a sneak peek:
Monday, September 23, 2013
Having a day
I'm having a day today.
P.S. This is NOT the dinner my SIL brought, but a sample of what I could expect from hospital dinner tonight.
I am sore and uncomfortable and don't want to be pregnant anymore, but it's too early for these babies to come.
I am sick and bored of being in the hospital, but I know it's the best place for my babies.
I am hungry, but so sick of the hospital food and can't eat what I'm craving anyways due to gestational diabetes.
I want to go home, but I am worried of the risks of going into pre-term labour and the possibility of having my babies via c-section, only to have them flown to the nearest big hospital while I stay to recover.
There are just no win-win scenarios right now.
Biding my time, one day at a time.
Hopefully the dinner my sister-in-law is bringing to me tonight will cheer me up some.
Saturday, September 21, 2013
What Blogging Means to Me
I decided to join the PAIL list of bloggers. PAIL stands for Parenting Adoption Infertility & Loss. Besides categorizing different blogs, the site offerrs a monthly topic to ponder and write about. As I've read a few other bloggers, it has sparked me to look at how and why I blog.
I have been blogging about the topic of infertility for close to 3 years. When I first started my blog, DH and I had been TTC for 4 years on our own. We had just finally reached out for help and were put on a waitlist to see a fertility specialist,while we initated testing with our OB. I wrote in my very first post that, "I decided it might help if I were better able to process some of the feelings and thoughts running through me." This blog became that outlet. At that point, there were very few people who knew of the struggle we were going through. I blogged somewhat anonymously, and have only shared this space with a couple very close friends. I have often wondered about going "public" with these thoughts, but I feel there are many posts I would like to censor and, frankly, I don't have the time to go through all 394 posts. Having said that, I have wrestled with the question of what if someone I knew were to come across this blog and make the connection (I really don't hide my identity that well). I concluded that if anyone I knew were to come across this blog and actually be interested in what it had to say, then I hope it would be of some value to them. Sure, there are posts I might be slightly embarrassed about, but I feel like the people I know would be sensitive enough not to make it a big deal.
Anyways, back to the topic at hand... I can't emphasize how important it has been for me to write throughout this journey. As you may be able to tell (if you've read any of my blog), I am a verbal processor. But infertility is sometimes difficult to verbalize directly to someone else. I found that sitting down and writing allowed me to sort out my thoughts enough to then reach out to the supportive people around me with how I was feeling. It also provided me with a community where others could support and encourage me and where I could read stories of others who have been through similar experiences. I don't think I would have made it this far without those stories. This is the other reason I blog (and have continued to, even while pregnant). I want to show others that there IS hope. I want to help others see that they are not alone in their struggle. I want to provide a place where people struggling with infertility can gain information, learn what works and what doesn't, and feel accepted by strangers they don't even know.
When I became pregnant, and realized the babies were going to stick around, I wrestled with whether to blog about pregnancy or not. I decided to keep blogging because I personally found it valuable to read of other bloggers who struggled with infertility and then became pregnant. Pregnancy after infertility is a whole different ball game than pregnancy without infertility. And, as we all know, pregnancy does not resolve infertility. There still are struggles I have as I await the birth of these precious little ones. After they are born, I do plan to continue blogging about infertility, but also about parenting. I do not want to overwhelm my blog with babies, but I want to touch on the aspects that I think others will find helpful. Plus, I have made quite a few "friends" through the blog community and, of course, I want to share my joy with them. The question of sensitivity to those who are "still in the trenches" has been raised, and I do understand it. When I first started blogging I remember going through the blogroll, looking for other bloggers with whom I could relate. So many of the blogs I visited were new parents, were expecting, or only blogged about their kids. It was frustrating! And yet, it was hopeful at the same time. I knew that if they had done it, there was still a chance we could too. I resolved this (as best as I could), by making sure my blog specifies that it is both about parenting AND infertility. If people don't want to read it, I am not offended in the least. For me, my blog has always been foremost for me. I don't blog for recognition. I don't blog to make money. I blog to give my thoughts a space of their own. I could blog privately, but I know that what I have to say might benefit others. So I put myself out there. And that is why I blog.
I have been blogging about the topic of infertility for close to 3 years. When I first started my blog, DH and I had been TTC for 4 years on our own. We had just finally reached out for help and were put on a waitlist to see a fertility specialist,while we initated testing with our OB. I wrote in my very first post that, "I decided it might help if I were better able to process some of the feelings and thoughts running through me." This blog became that outlet. At that point, there were very few people who knew of the struggle we were going through. I blogged somewhat anonymously, and have only shared this space with a couple very close friends. I have often wondered about going "public" with these thoughts, but I feel there are many posts I would like to censor and, frankly, I don't have the time to go through all 394 posts. Having said that, I have wrestled with the question of what if someone I knew were to come across this blog and make the connection (I really don't hide my identity that well). I concluded that if anyone I knew were to come across this blog and actually be interested in what it had to say, then I hope it would be of some value to them. Sure, there are posts I might be slightly embarrassed about, but I feel like the people I know would be sensitive enough not to make it a big deal.
Anyways, back to the topic at hand... I can't emphasize how important it has been for me to write throughout this journey. As you may be able to tell (if you've read any of my blog), I am a verbal processor. But infertility is sometimes difficult to verbalize directly to someone else. I found that sitting down and writing allowed me to sort out my thoughts enough to then reach out to the supportive people around me with how I was feeling. It also provided me with a community where others could support and encourage me and where I could read stories of others who have been through similar experiences. I don't think I would have made it this far without those stories. This is the other reason I blog (and have continued to, even while pregnant). I want to show others that there IS hope. I want to help others see that they are not alone in their struggle. I want to provide a place where people struggling with infertility can gain information, learn what works and what doesn't, and feel accepted by strangers they don't even know.
When I became pregnant, and realized the babies were going to stick around, I wrestled with whether to blog about pregnancy or not. I decided to keep blogging because I personally found it valuable to read of other bloggers who struggled with infertility and then became pregnant. Pregnancy after infertility is a whole different ball game than pregnancy without infertility. And, as we all know, pregnancy does not resolve infertility. There still are struggles I have as I await the birth of these precious little ones. After they are born, I do plan to continue blogging about infertility, but also about parenting. I do not want to overwhelm my blog with babies, but I want to touch on the aspects that I think others will find helpful. Plus, I have made quite a few "friends" through the blog community and, of course, I want to share my joy with them. The question of sensitivity to those who are "still in the trenches" has been raised, and I do understand it. When I first started blogging I remember going through the blogroll, looking for other bloggers with whom I could relate. So many of the blogs I visited were new parents, were expecting, or only blogged about their kids. It was frustrating! And yet, it was hopeful at the same time. I knew that if they had done it, there was still a chance we could too. I resolved this (as best as I could), by making sure my blog specifies that it is both about parenting AND infertility. If people don't want to read it, I am not offended in the least. For me, my blog has always been foremost for me. I don't blog for recognition. I don't blog to make money. I blog to give my thoughts a space of their own. I could blog privately, but I know that what I have to say might benefit others. So I put myself out there. And that is why I blog.
Friday, September 20, 2013
Roller Coaster Day
(I'll start by saying the babies are fine and this is about my emotional upheaval, not the birth of these babies, just in case you were wondering).
Well today was a day of all sorts of emotions! Shock, excitement, sadness, disbelief. Let me start at the beginning. I woke up and the day began like any other. For some reason (I'm blaming the full moon), I had insomnia last night so I was pretty groggy this morning. I lazed around a bit until the resident and OB came in together to speak to me. Completely out of the blue, they announced that they were hoping to send me home today. What the what?!? The OB explained that I have remained stable, haven't had any bleeding or contractions, do not have risk of placenta previa, and that there is no real reason I need hospital care at this point in time. Basically, my pregnancy at this point is just the same as a regular pregnancy, with some fluctuations with my cervix that require bed rest, which I could be doing at home. However, they wanted to do another ultrasound to check the growth of these babes and wait for my blood work to come back. DH and I were in complete shock!
A little while later I went for my ultrasound. The technician was not sure if she was supposed to check my cervix (internal) but I asked her to. She went to check with a radiologist but he was at lunch so she decided to do the internal anyways, just in case. The growth scan appeared fine from what I could tell, but as soon as she looked at my cervix I could tell it was different than last time (when it was over 3cm). She took a lot of pictures from various angles and went to check with the radiologist. But she would not give me any details. I had a feeling it was not good news.
All afternoon we waited for the results. The nurses kept popping in, all optimistic that I would be leaving in a few hours. So I packed and organized some of my stuff, just in case, but didn't put everything away. I was still in a state of shock, but that shock started to mingle with excitement. The possibility of going home had such a draw. I could sleep in my own bed, eat my own food and, best of all, see my sweet pup! I tried not to get my hopes up, but it was impossible not to. After all, I agreed with the doctor that the main "risk" for me being here has passed and that a lot of the monitoring they are doing is actually unnecessary. As the day went on, I allowed myself to succumb to the excitement of going home.
Finally, at about 4:00 the doctor came in with a sheepish look on her face... And she announced that she could not let me go home. As soon as I saw her I knew what she was going to say, but it still felt like a blow. Apparently my cervix has shortened to 1cm. She said I have a "dynamic" cervix, which means that the clot messed around with it and now it is fluctuating between being long, and shortening. This still puts me at high risk for pre-term labour so they can't let me go home. The plan still is to make it to 32 weeks, and then I should be moved to the closer hospital.
This morning I woke up fine with staying another week. Now, at the end of the day, I want to go home more than ever. I thought this week was going to be easy to get through but now it seems like a huge mountain to overcome. I cried some tears of disappointment, though I do understand the decision and think it is for the best. Can you just say toying with a pregnant lady's emotions???
The news on the babies was great. They are BIG! Baby A is smaller (though right on target for gestational age) at about 3lb, 8oz. Baby B is much bigger at about 4lb, 6oz! Baby B is almost a whole pound bigger than Baby A, and apparently has a much bigger head. This means that we are almost certainly looking at a c-section, because it is likely this trend will continue as they grow bigger (and since Baby A will come out first, the birth canal won't be big enough to accommodate Baby B, which would result in one being delivered vaginally, and one as a c-section... Not ideal). In some ways, this is good news to hear. I was feeling anxious about deciding whether to deliver vaginally, or have an elective c-section. This way the decision is made for me. So, that was the drama of the day. Not something I want to go through again. Though, if anything, I told DH that this could be good preparation in case our kids are in the NICU. From what I hear it is a roller coaster similar to this. Still, it was just a frustrating way to spend the day.
Well today was a day of all sorts of emotions! Shock, excitement, sadness, disbelief. Let me start at the beginning. I woke up and the day began like any other. For some reason (I'm blaming the full moon), I had insomnia last night so I was pretty groggy this morning. I lazed around a bit until the resident and OB came in together to speak to me. Completely out of the blue, they announced that they were hoping to send me home today. What the what?!? The OB explained that I have remained stable, haven't had any bleeding or contractions, do not have risk of placenta previa, and that there is no real reason I need hospital care at this point in time. Basically, my pregnancy at this point is just the same as a regular pregnancy, with some fluctuations with my cervix that require bed rest, which I could be doing at home. However, they wanted to do another ultrasound to check the growth of these babes and wait for my blood work to come back. DH and I were in complete shock!
A little while later I went for my ultrasound. The technician was not sure if she was supposed to check my cervix (internal) but I asked her to. She went to check with a radiologist but he was at lunch so she decided to do the internal anyways, just in case. The growth scan appeared fine from what I could tell, but as soon as she looked at my cervix I could tell it was different than last time (when it was over 3cm). She took a lot of pictures from various angles and went to check with the radiologist. But she would not give me any details. I had a feeling it was not good news.
All afternoon we waited for the results. The nurses kept popping in, all optimistic that I would be leaving in a few hours. So I packed and organized some of my stuff, just in case, but didn't put everything away. I was still in a state of shock, but that shock started to mingle with excitement. The possibility of going home had such a draw. I could sleep in my own bed, eat my own food and, best of all, see my sweet pup! I tried not to get my hopes up, but it was impossible not to. After all, I agreed with the doctor that the main "risk" for me being here has passed and that a lot of the monitoring they are doing is actually unnecessary. As the day went on, I allowed myself to succumb to the excitement of going home.
Finally, at about 4:00 the doctor came in with a sheepish look on her face... And she announced that she could not let me go home. As soon as I saw her I knew what she was going to say, but it still felt like a blow. Apparently my cervix has shortened to 1cm. She said I have a "dynamic" cervix, which means that the clot messed around with it and now it is fluctuating between being long, and shortening. This still puts me at high risk for pre-term labour so they can't let me go home. The plan still is to make it to 32 weeks, and then I should be moved to the closer hospital.
This morning I woke up fine with staying another week. Now, at the end of the day, I want to go home more than ever. I thought this week was going to be easy to get through but now it seems like a huge mountain to overcome. I cried some tears of disappointment, though I do understand the decision and think it is for the best. Can you just say toying with a pregnant lady's emotions???
The news on the babies was great. They are BIG! Baby A is smaller (though right on target for gestational age) at about 3lb, 8oz. Baby B is much bigger at about 4lb, 6oz! Baby B is almost a whole pound bigger than Baby A, and apparently has a much bigger head. This means that we are almost certainly looking at a c-section, because it is likely this trend will continue as they grow bigger (and since Baby A will come out first, the birth canal won't be big enough to accommodate Baby B, which would result in one being delivered vaginally, and one as a c-section... Not ideal). In some ways, this is good news to hear. I was feeling anxious about deciding whether to deliver vaginally, or have an elective c-section. This way the decision is made for me. So, that was the drama of the day. Not something I want to go through again. Though, if anything, I told DH that this could be good preparation in case our kids are in the NICU. From what I hear it is a roller coaster similar to this. Still, it was just a frustrating way to spend the day.
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