Symptoms?

Of course during the 2ww every little twinge and nudge is highly overanalyzed, but... at the same time, if I were to end up pregnant on this cycle I know I'll want to remember the first signs.  I'm currently on day 22, 8dpo (or so we guessed)  So, here is what I am experiencing that may, or may not be, out of the ordinary (sorry for the technicalities):
- Tiredness!  Maybe it's just this time of year that everyone is tired, or maybe it's my low WBC levels... but I am finding myself tired way earlier than normal.  By 9:00 at night I am yawning like crazy.  I even texted my husband at 10:00 last night from the bed because I didn't want to go downstairs to get him.
- Sore back/neck - just on my right side especially
- Quite a bit of pressure in my lower abdomen.  After the cramping stopped I was okay for a few days but now feel a bit of pressure now and then (especially at night).  Hopefully that is not cysts from hyperstimulated ovaries, but apparently that is rarer with clomid.
- All week I've woken up at 3:30 and have to pee sooo bad.  Also, when my bladder is full I feel more pressure down in the uterine area.  After I pee I go back to bed and have to pee again really bad when I wake up at 7:30.  That is not normal (maybe I'm drinking more before bed, but I don't think so...)
- CM discharge, sticky and white (not usual for this point in the cycle).  I hear this could be due to high progesterone levels (hooray! and sorry if TMI)
- Today for the first time I have a headache and I NEVER get headaches.  ?
- Every morning I wake up feeling like I was run over by a truck.  Again, that is not out of the ordinary - I find mornings to be tough lately.  Not quite sure what is up with that.

Anyways, that's where I'm at.  I am not really expecting anything to be different this month, and not really thinking I am pregnant, BUT if I'm not... I think it is going to be a hard month (especially because it'll be just before Christmas).  

Baby dust to all!

What a girl wants

I thought I'd do a quick little update since I hadn't posted in a while.  This week was pretty busy and I am wiped from it all.  DH's 30th birthday was on Thursday and his brother and his girlfriend came to town for the weekend.  So, first of all, getting the house ready and entertaining guests (girlfriend we have only met once) was one thing.  Then, on Friday I threw a huge "Dirty 30's" party with a dirty moustache theme.  It was really fun, although I am having a hard time enjoying anything these days....  We rented a karaoke machine and spent the night singing our hearts out, eating cake and goodies, and playing some moustache themed games and poker.  However, it was simply exhausting!  Yesterday was just a recovery day.  I felt like I didn't really do much at all, besides party cleanup, taking the dog to the beach and knitting by the Christmas tree.  Today was our busy Sunday and that brings me to now.

As for me, I'm pretty sure clomid has more than hormone-altering chemicals in it!  I think it also contains "let's make you super depressed and take away all your energy while you gain weight (or have a heck of a time keeping it off)" drugs, which I am not enjoying!  The moodiness was one thing, but I could handle that.  But the depression is something different altogether.  I don't know if it is a result of the drugs, or just the toll of infertility really hitting me.  Whatever it is, it sucks and I don't know what to do about it.  I just keep hoping and praying that I'll magically be pregnant.  (On a note, I really can't tell if my current "symptoms" are out of the ordinary or not.  Sometimes a bit of a tug in my abdomen, but that has died down, breakout, extremely tired, and more CM than normal... one more week and we'll find out for sure).

People say the holidays are tough.  This is the first year I've really understood that.  We don't have much money for presents.  My parents have left town and we won't have any family around.  Our best friends are having their whole family come, and then due to have a baby shortly after so they will be extremely preoccupied.  And all I really, really want is to have our OWN family for the holidays.  I don't know how we'll get through.  Our exchange student will be here and his sister is visiting so we plan to show them a true Canadian Christmas.  But I really don't even want to.  I want to sit in my misery and not be bothered.  I don't know what I really want if I can't have the one thing I want...

Groovy!

Groovy!  I just won a prize from Mel over at Stirrup Queens (http://www.stirrup-queens.com/) for entering my blog in the Yearly Creme de la Creme list.  Thanks Mel (and to Jen over at http://herewegoajen.com/about/ for providing the prize I chose!)  If you want to checkout what Creme de la Creme is and sign up your blog, you can enter here: http://www.stirrup-queens.com/2011/10/the-yearly-creme-de-la-creme-list-is-now-open/

I'm also participating in International Comment Leaving Week this month.  That's what the new icon is on the right hand side of the page.  Click on it if you're interested in more information and would like to participate too.  This seems like a great way to get to know some more fellow bloggers. 

Hope among other things

Just wanted to update and say that things are feeling much more under control today.  I'm hoping and praying that the little swimmers will reach my egg and do their job!  Haha, it sounds so funny to me to even write something like that in a place that others will see... but it's the truth.  I actually even did visualizations this time and am sending lots of positive energy thoughts to myself, haha.  Hey, I figure it can't hurt and maybe will help.  I feel a bit hopeful about this month.  I am still processing the big fight DH and I had on the weekend, but I feel like it was a turning point.  We reached a point, even just for a moment, of feeling like we should just give up trying altogether.  DH was actually surprised that I went back for bloodwork the next day, because he thought we were just scrapping it for this month.  I went back though, because I felt a bit of a release emotionally and I just thought, "what if this IS the month?"  I wanted to make sure the proper steps had been taken if it were.  Then after that, we just had fun.  I don't think I'm at a point where I can completely give up trying, but last week was such a low of scrambling around trying to make everything work perfectly... and it was EXHAUSTING!  That is essentially what we fought about.  Of course DH is going to feel pressure when I am controlling every last detail of our lives in this regards.  I know it is the only way I know how to deal with this situation, but still... it maybe isn't actually helping all that much.  That's hard for me even to write actually.  And I don't know how to "fix" it.  I don't know how to change.  I don't know if I really want to.  But what I do want is to live this next month stress-free.  I want to enjoy the Christmas holidays with my husband, and our friends and family.  I don't want to be worried all about baby stuff.  I want to just relax.  It's hard, and I know there are still unresolved hurt feelings, but I am making an effort to be positive. 

In other news, all last night/this morning I felt little twinges in my abdomen, kind of like little bubbles.  I don't want to overanalyze anything, but maybe that is some sort of good sign?  Hoping and praying!!! 

Oh, and one last comment... I think the thing I am dreading most about being pregnant is the STUPID conversations people have with you.  My one friend J is pregnant and everywhere we go people ignore me and only talk to her about her baby.  It's like I'm not even there!  They never ask her about any other areas of life, only about how she's feeling, how her clothes are fitting, how tired she is, how big the baby is, whether it's a boy or a girl, etc. etc. etc.  It drives me crazy!  No wonder so many moms lose their identity in their baby.  If that is all that we can expect to talk to pregnant ladies about, how can we expect them to remain contributing members of society after the baby is born???  If/when I am pregnant, I plan to always turn the conversation around on anyone who asks me those idiotic questions and engage in a REAL conversation about REAL life!  There, that's my rant for the day.

Taking a day off

Today I am skipping church and taking a day off for me.  There is quite a sense of guilt for skipping out on my hubby.  Sunday is his big day and I don't want him to think I don't support him.  But after this week, I really really needed today.  I need some time alone in our house.  I need to gather my thoughts and prepare for the week ahead.  I need to relax and enjoy the stillness of our house setup for Christmas.  Starting next weekend we may have company until after Christmas.  Not all of it is high-stress company, and one group of friends isn't staying with us but will be in town, so it won't be stressful.  I am really looking forward with spending some time with visitors.  I find it helps to enjoy our city and the things there are to do here.  But, as mentioned before, I have been feeling like our house is just out of order, and that has been bugging me.  So, this morning I am puttering around a little and doing those things that I can't get done while DH is around.  I even, after walking the dog this morning, cleaned out the garage and got it all organized for winter (putting down the deck carpet so that the ground wouldn't be so cold to walk on, making a bin to keep veggies in during the cold, organizing wood).  I feel good to be under control a bit more. 

But right now I am sitting, sipping a latte and eating white chocolate biscotti (yum!) in the light of the Christmas tree.  This is pure bliss. 

Some resolution

I am doing better, just in case anyone was worried.  Made up with DH and attributed some of it to my crazy level of hormones.  Went for bloodwork again today and my estriadol level was HIGH!  2784 and normal for this stage in the cycle is between 230 and 1310.  Good ol' clomid!

None of the issues have really been "resolved" yet... I don't know if we can make it through this whole journey of IF.  Maybe we should just give it up.  Sometimes I wish I could just forget about it and move on with life.  Stop the stressing, and hoping, and dreaming and thinking...

Just wanted to check in and let you know everything is alright.  I actually had a nice day today.  We got a Christmas tree and I put up all the decorations.  I'll try load a picture later on.  Goodnight for now!

Not for Christmas

Worst day EVER yesterday.  I'm still processing and trying to figure out how I'm feeling, so I'll make this short and give you the facts.  Went for my day 11 bloodwork to see if my LH surge was on its way (went early because it's falling over a weekend).  Waited all day, but was pretty sure that I was on my way to the surge.  Did a pee test (which never work), and had a very faint line.  Received a call from the Dr. last night saying that I had not surged yet, but my levels were elevated and he expected I would surge tomorrow.  BUT... the clinic is closed on Sundays (or at least they don't do IUI on Sundays), so he told me to "have intercourse on Sunday and we'll check back in the New Year." 

Not only have I been planning my whole month around this treatment...  not only have I been taking crazy fertility drugs that mess up my whole life.... not only have I been drinking disgusting TCM medicine... not only have I been paying for weekly acupuncture... not only have I been graciously hanging out with my friend who is 8 1/2 months pregnant and really hoping I would get pregnant before her baby is born... but NOW I can't even go through with the plan for this month.  And I'm all about the plan. 

So, needless to say, I was pissed.  Then we had to go to a STUPID Christmas banquet where people that should not have kids (seriously, they can't even afford to feed and heat these kids and continually ask for handouts for the kids, and then go get knocked up again!) let these monsters run around disrupting everything. 

And then we came home and after watching a movie "tried" to have sex.  We should do it today and Friday, to make sure things are running smoothly and just in case my surge started to come last night.  Well, somehow (maybe I'll get into it later) that turned into a HUGE fight, in which I even left the house at 1:30am in pajama pants and a tank top and bare feet and rubber boots and drove around the block.

That hasn't been resolved yet.  I was up first thing today to do another blood test (not sure it's even necessary, but I did it).  And now I get to go make-up with DH.  I think this is the bottom of the low.  I hate infertility. 

So there's my heart bared for you all to see (and I know I'm to blame and have my own things to work through, but still... this is where I am at). 

Anyone have any suggestions???