Today

Today is the day of our second ultrasound.  However, we don't find out the results until tomorrow.  I'm not even sure if we will be able to see our little baby on the screen at all.

I was doing fine for the weekend, but now that I am back at work I am majorly stressed out and trying to hold it all together.  It didn't help that when I talked to the lady at my doctor's office to see if they were going to check the heartbeat, she said called it a viability ultrasound.  Viability!  To me that assumes that they think it is not viable to start with. 

3 more hours to get through till the appointment.  And then I'm back to work for 4 more hours!  And then we don't have our doctor appointment until 3:00 tomorrow!!!  I don't know how I'm going to make it. 

In good news, I had my first tiny bout of morning sickness today.  I didn't puke, but I dry heaved a fair amount.  The only thing is, I'm not feeling any of my other regular symptoms (sore boobs, fatigue, bloating).  Oh the agony!  I'll be sure to update if there is anything to update tonight. 

Maternity shopping

I went shopping today.  I shouldn't have.  I was just fed up with my weight.  After months of fertility drugs I started off my last cycle above my regular weight.  Since our IUI (March 1st), I have been taking it really easy and not pushing myself too hard.  Since our BFP, low HcG and quesionnable ultrasound, I have been taking it even more easy.  I'm still going for walks every day but I cut out going to the gym, or going jogging or any other high cardio activity.  I tried yoga 2 or 3 times but that is about it.  Add to that my fatigue and exhaustion and most days I prefer having a nap to doing any activity.  Add to that my fear of morning sickness and so my constant snacking habits and worry of making sure I am getting in all the right nutrients.  Add to that the extreme bloating that I have been experiencing for the past few weeks that makes me look like I should be 4-5 months along!  I do also feel like my uterus is taking shape and like I can see a definition that wasn't there before... not sure if that is in my head but I hope it's a growing baby and growing home for that baby.

All that to say, my clothes are not fitting me right!  I know it is way too early and that I shouldn't be needing to alter my wardrobe yet... but I do.  Yesterday I tried on 5 outfits to try to find something acceptable to wear to church.  I constantly feel like I need to suck in so that people won't ask me if I am pregnant.  And jeans have become the most uncomfortable thing EVER!  As soon as I get home I change into my yoga or "I give up on life" pants.  And then I'm happy. 

So my mom picked up a few pairs of yoga pants for me for an Easter present.  One of them didn't fit quite right, so I went today to see if I could exchange it.  I found another great pair, and then a pair of capris.  Even though they are yoga wear I feel like I could almost dress them up a bit for when summer comes and wear them to work on more casual days.  I also popped over to Winners.  I don't know what came over me, but I had my most successful shop at Winners ever!  I never find things there.  I found another pair of yoga pants (that are quite stylish), two tops (that hide my growing belly nicely), a pair of pant/leggings that will look great with a long shirt overtop) AND a grey striped cotton summer skirt that can be worn folded over as a skirt or as a sleeveless dress.  I bought them all!  I tried to make sure that they were clothes that I liked and would wear if this pregnancy does not work out but I couldn't help sticking out my belly (which was quite bloated today) and imagining wearing them with a real baby belly inside.  Oh I really hope I'm not jinxing myself here. 

I'm in a super organizing mode and just want to go home and reorganize my wardrobe and pack away all those clothes that just don't fit.  But I'm at work and need to put in a couple of hours before I can go home... 

Tell me I'm not crazy, please! 

For Fun

First of all, I found this hilarious blog post that I wanted to share.  Enjoy!

http://blog.almostadad.com/2007/07/why-pregnant-women-yell-at-you.html

Secondly, I took some pictures of my recent home endeavors and wanted to share them here for something other than fertility talk. 

Here are some pictures of the new pillows I made with my wonderful sewing machine.  I hope to start working on a baby quilt for my sister soon. 

And here are some pics of the process of making homemade laundry detergent.  It is SO easy, and much more environmentally friendly and affordable.  If anyone would like the recipe, this is all it is:
- 1 bar of shaved bar soap (I use Ivory and grate it with a cheese grater)
- 1/2 cup borax
- 1/2 cup washing soda
All you do is stir and stir and stir until it is very fine and mixed well together.  I do about 6 batches at once and that fills up a bit more than half of an ice cream pail.   Then, use 2 tsp per load of laundry!  My laundry is fresh and clean and the colors have stayed in all my clothes.  I love it.  

Lastly, here are the cinnamon buns I made yesterday.  They were soooo yummy!  I only had one, since I'm trying to watch my sugar intake, but they are definitely the best I have ever made. 

Grumbles

I forgot about a symptom that just started in the past few days.  I am extremely grumbly!  DH has nicknamed me Baby Grumbles.  He actually thinks it is cute, which is quite nice.  I haven't been super emotional, crying and everything. But the grumbles and crankiness has set in.  I had a dream last night that all these people were at my house, using things in the kitchen that I had planned to use for dinner and I was sooooo cranky at them.  I woke up and I was in the most foul mood!  After taking the dog for a walk I realized that I wasn't shaking the feeling and so I chose to skip church this morning and stay home. It was the right choice.  I ended up sleeping for two more hours!  I guess I needed it.  I'm hoping that's a good sign that little baby grumble is growing lots.  Today my head has been kind of in a fog and I've just laid low.  I still feel like I could sleep more even.  It's been quite nice and I'm hoping we can go for a little walk to the ocean later.  Oh, and I made some delicious looking cinnamon buns.  Mmm!  The day has turned out to be not so grumbly after all.

7 Weeks!

Well, today marks the official "7 week" stretch, according to when we had our IUI (though only 6 weeks and 5 days since my LMP). 

I don't feel as pregnant as I think I should be.  This is my greatest concern right now.  Right after we found out we were pregnant, and especially when we did our first few betas, I mainly felt a lot of exhaustion.  This past week, I have made it through without being as tired as I think I should be.  Maybe that's just pure determination to get through the week.  I've been sleeping better through the nights and so I haven't been napping and I have even "stayed up" (till 10:30) a few times.  I don't have to pee any more than I did before I was pregnant.  My boobs are hardly sore.  I haven't puked once!  I still have had a bit of heartburn, but not much else.  Today was the first day my stomach just felt kind of squishy and off all day.  I had to make myself eat because nothing was really appealing.  I just feel like if this baby is growing, the symptoms should be increasing.  That just seems to make sense.  However, I have read lots online about symptoms coming and going, and some people having none at all at this stage.  Maybe I'm just lucky?

The wait till Tuesday seems so long!  And it's actually not until Wednesday that we meet with the doctor to find out the results of the ultrasound.  I'm worried.  I've been passed off to the local OB office, but my regular doctor is away so it's someone I haven't met (I do hear he is great though).  I'm worried they will just look at the size and growth, and not check the heartbeat.  I really, really want to know if there is a heartbeat!  I should just call my clinic to see about that.  I'm also worried that this ultrasound will still be inconclusive and we'll be left waiting again.  Ugh!  I don't think DH could stand it!

I'm not sure exactly why, but this period of waiting is somehow different than our other waits.  DH and I are both so unmotivated.  We don't want to be around people at all.  DH says that everyone just pisses him off right now.  I don't think we've ever been in a situation quite like this, and we really don't know what to do with ourselves!  We are going through the motions of life, but everything seems meaningless.  Without really meaning to, I think we have been preparing for the worst.  The part that I think I would hate most is just the period of having to wait before we try again.  As much as I hope this baby is alive inside of me, I don't think I'm too attached yet... I don't really believe it is true.  DH thinks I'm wrong and that I would mourn way more than I think.  I'm more worried about DH.  He has so much hope that this will work and if it doesn't I think he will be devastated.  Also, I think I would be sad because this would mean there is more "wrong" with us, than just not being able to conceive.  If we have troubles conceiving on our own, AND carrying a baby on our own, the chances are much slimmer.  I really had hoped this was the end of our road.

Anyways, those are my Debbie downer thoughts for the day.

And, here's something to end this post on a lighter note.  Another uncomfortable symptom that I have been having is CRAZY bloating!  I actually get bloated on a regular basis, but with this pregnancy it is magnified.  This is a picture of me yesterday in the morning, and then before bed.  As the day progresses, my bloat is out of control!  I have to be careful because people will really think I am pregnant if they see what I look like.

Work, shmork.

Did I mention that at church on Sunday someone asked me point blank if I was pregnant?  And no, it was not because of anything I was wearing that emphasized my bloated belly.  I asked her where she had got such a notion, and she said she heard a rumour that I had "a glow."  What?!?  There is only one lady in the church whom I have told about us (the sweet older pastor's wife) and I am sure she would not have mentioned anything!  Unless maybe she hinted at something, and the rumour just grew.  Anyways, it was quite awkward.  I laughed and shrugged it off and lied saying that I wasn't.  I hardly know this lady and she did admit that she was just being nosy.  But still...! 

I don't know how I'm going to make it through the next few weeks.  I am consumed by thoughts of this growing baby.  I hate going to work, and I hate being at work... even though I know I do love my job.  I have no desire to be here.  I just want to lie in bed and go for walks.  I wish, wish, wish that I could just quit and do nothing.  I've never felt so demotivated in my life.  This is NOT normal for me.  I don't know how I am going to get through.  Maybe once there is more certainty, I'll be able to yield to the enjoyment of pregnancy and resume life as normal.  Maybe?

I have my first midwife appointment today.  It was scheduled a while ago and they are quite busy and won't be able to see me for a while, so I would rather go now, even with the uncertainty.  Maybe they'll have some insight that will help ease my mind.  I also got in touch with the local OB here, since my fertility doctor has handed me over to be monitored here so I don't have to keep making the 3-hour trek.  They have sent my referral for an ultrasound for next week and once that is set up, I will make an appointment with the OB as well.  Whew! 

From all the reading I've done online, it doesn't seem to be a huge deal if a baby is measuring slightly off this early in the game.  They often catch up within a few weeks.  The bigger problem arises if there is no heartbeat detected.  I just feel like our little guy is going to be alright.  I could be wrong though but that is something I don't really want to face yet. 

"Still pregnant...but..." Or " The Emotional Roller Coaster Continues"

As you can see from the title of this post, today did not go exactly as hoped. 

We got to see our little one for the first time today.  All that we really saw was a tiny sac with a tiny pole inside.  The thing is, the sac is measuring a week smaller than it should be.  It measured right around the 5 1/2 week mark, our doctor said.  As of today, we are 6 weeks, 4 days past the IUI.  I think it's just the doctors job, but he told us that this likely means that we will have a miscarriage.  Well, he did say it wasn't completely hopeless, and that sometimes the growth catches up, but I think he sees more cases end in miscarriage and his job is to prepare us for the worst.  The only reason he could give for it would be a possible chromosomal abnormality, which I think is just a catch-all answer doctors use when they have no explanation for it. 

The hardest part was that this was not at all what I expected!  I expected to either see a healthy baby, or not.  We are really grateful that it is not an ectopic (that was our doctors big worry) but this really doesn't answer anything for us.  I've done a tiny bit of research since we came home, and sometimes they can just be slow growing at first and still be okay.  Also, if I did ovulate a few days later than he thought (I had ovulation pains 2 days after the IUI), couldn't it have implanted later and put us behind schedule?  Well I don't think too much speculation can help, and so the ride continues and we wait till next week for another ultrasound. 

It seems like it's been a tough week in the IF blog world.  I really hoped to cheer up things with some good news. 

Any tips on how to get this baby to grow, grow, grow???