The best year of my life. I love you little foxes!
Sunday, October 19, 2014
One year old!
Tuesday, October 14, 2014
Leaving baby time
The twins' first birthday is right around the corner (4 days, to be exact!). Before it passes, I thought I'd take a moment to sit and gather my thoughts about it all.
Tonight is a lovely night. It's 8pm, the boys are in bed, all the chores are done (besides folding laundry), and I'm sipping tea in a house to myself after a busy Thanksgiving weekend. This morning I hired a housecleaner for the first time to deep clean my kitchen. Then, this afternoon a family friend sent her daughter over to be a "mother's helper" and play with the kids while I cooked (turkey leftovers!). My hubby fed the boys dinner while I escaped for a run. Then we put them to bed and that was it. It actually felt way too easy. And then it got me thinking...
This entire year has been a marathon every single day. I know that life with kids is busy, but I think that life with infant twins is a type of busy you just can't explain. All day today I found myself thinking, "what should I be DOING right now." Because, really, there is not ever a single moment to yourself. Even when you have down time, your mind is full of a list of all the things that still need to be done. Always.
I think that this IS parenthood, but I also think that life adapts and adjusts so that it doesn't feel quite as frantic as the first year (or it just changes to a different kind of frantic). Luckily, I enjoy being busy. But just having one day that was "easy" made me realize how busy I really have been. It's probably a good thing for me to start to slow down a little if I can.
The boys are starting to change more rapidly every day. It's not their physical appearance as much, but their personalities and capabilities. It is incredible to watch.
Also, it terrifies me.
For years, we longed and longed to hold a baby in our arms. Though "family" was the long-term focus, the immediate attention was on getting pregnant and having a baby. Then that was achieved. All this year we have lived in that dream, taking care of two miracle babies. And now they are nearly "not" babies anymore. A year changes that. And I really haven't planned or prepared for what is ahead.
I know we will figure out our role and place as we need to, but I feel this urge to make time stop and just "be" in the time we are in right now. People say the first year goes so fast. For me, it didn't. It was hard work. Every day I achieved was a celebration. Every milestone a recognition that we were moving ahead. When I think about the twins turning one, of course I am happy. But there is also a sinking feeling in the pit of my stomach. Is this baby time really almost over? (I know they're still technically "babies" for a while, but toddlerhood is more on the horizon and the one year marker makes me very aware of this).
Despite what we have to celebrate now, I am still struck by the pangs of infertility pain at unexpected times. Somehow, leaving baby time makes me feel like I should have that all resolved. But I don't.
It's not that the first year went too fast... it's just that I don't know if I'm ready for what's ahead.
But, ready or not, here we go.
I'll let you know how it goes ;)
Tonight is a lovely night. It's 8pm, the boys are in bed, all the chores are done (besides folding laundry), and I'm sipping tea in a house to myself after a busy Thanksgiving weekend. This morning I hired a housecleaner for the first time to deep clean my kitchen. Then, this afternoon a family friend sent her daughter over to be a "mother's helper" and play with the kids while I cooked (turkey leftovers!). My hubby fed the boys dinner while I escaped for a run. Then we put them to bed and that was it. It actually felt way too easy. And then it got me thinking...
This entire year has been a marathon every single day. I know that life with kids is busy, but I think that life with infant twins is a type of busy you just can't explain. All day today I found myself thinking, "what should I be DOING right now." Because, really, there is not ever a single moment to yourself. Even when you have down time, your mind is full of a list of all the things that still need to be done. Always.
I think that this IS parenthood, but I also think that life adapts and adjusts so that it doesn't feel quite as frantic as the first year (or it just changes to a different kind of frantic). Luckily, I enjoy being busy. But just having one day that was "easy" made me realize how busy I really have been. It's probably a good thing for me to start to slow down a little if I can.
The boys are starting to change more rapidly every day. It's not their physical appearance as much, but their personalities and capabilities. It is incredible to watch.
Also, it terrifies me.
For years, we longed and longed to hold a baby in our arms. Though "family" was the long-term focus, the immediate attention was on getting pregnant and having a baby. Then that was achieved. All this year we have lived in that dream, taking care of two miracle babies. And now they are nearly "not" babies anymore. A year changes that. And I really haven't planned or prepared for what is ahead.
I know we will figure out our role and place as we need to, but I feel this urge to make time stop and just "be" in the time we are in right now. People say the first year goes so fast. For me, it didn't. It was hard work. Every day I achieved was a celebration. Every milestone a recognition that we were moving ahead. When I think about the twins turning one, of course I am happy. But there is also a sinking feeling in the pit of my stomach. Is this baby time really almost over? (I know they're still technically "babies" for a while, but toddlerhood is more on the horizon and the one year marker makes me very aware of this).
Despite what we have to celebrate now, I am still struck by the pangs of infertility pain at unexpected times. Somehow, leaving baby time makes me feel like I should have that all resolved. But I don't.
It's not that the first year went too fast... it's just that I don't know if I'm ready for what's ahead.
But, ready or not, here we go.
I'll let you know how it goes ;)
Friday, October 3, 2014
Sick babies
My babes are sick for the first real time, since being young (and having stuffy noses). This week has been full on coughing, sneezing, snotty noses, needy, clingy, not wanting to eat, not wanting to sleep...the list goes on. It's been a week of 5:30am wakings, 30 minute naps, and nap protests. This mama is tiiiired! There's been little downtime, and now hubby and I are sick too. I keep expecting life to get easier, but then things like this come along, and show me again how little control I have in a world of babies.
But, amongst it all, there was a glimmer of light. My little MJ learned to say "mama" finally. Sure, he follows me around ALL day like a little puppy pulling on my pant legs and saying "mama, mama." Sure he cried when I left and didn't let dad put him down for nap because he only wanted mama. Sure he wants to be picked up a million times a day and my arms and back are killing me. But I have a sweet little boy who truly loves his mama.
But, amongst it all, there was a glimmer of light. My little MJ learned to say "mama" finally. Sure, he follows me around ALL day like a little puppy pulling on my pant legs and saying "mama, mama." Sure he cried when I left and didn't let dad put him down for nap because he only wanted mama. Sure he wants to be picked up a million times a day and my arms and back are killing me. But I have a sweet little boy who truly loves his mama.
Friday, September 19, 2014
Being a mom
I don't know who reads this blog much anymore. If there is anyone reading who is still in the TTC trenches. If there is, this may be a post you want to skip... maybe. :)
Giving birth to children and becoming a mother are life changing events... there is no doubt about it. As I have written about before, for me, the transition was not seamless, despite the incredible love I have for my children. I struggled (and still do) to make sense of my new identity, to reconcile the hurt and pain from years in the trenches, and to adapt to my new role. And now, nearly a year in, I find that role changing once again.
My boys are no longer completely dependent little babies. Yes, they still are little. They still are babies. And they still depend on me. But now entirely like they did when they were one month old. They are branching out in their little world, discovering what it means to be apart from "mom" for a period of time, and learning things like how to move, to communicate, and to eat on their own. This transformation is truly incredible.
As I wrote about in this post, I, too, am branching out, back to the life that was put on hold when these little beings entered my life. And just as they face separation anxiety being away from me, so I face anxiety being away from them and trying to find my way in a land that is familiar and yet so different.
So much changes in one year with children.
I am not the same counsellor who left my job a year ago.
I am not the same friend I was before I had children.
I am not the same wife who lived childless with my husband for 8 years before these boys entered our lives.
I think it is only natural to feel anxious.
I haven't yet figured out how to really enjoy life "on my own" again. My best (and hardest) moments are when I am with my children.
I. Love. Being. Their. Mom. SOOOOO. Much.
It's all I really want to do right now.
I anticipate the milestone next month with a bit of trepidation. In some ways, I want things to stay exactly as they are right now forever. I know that can't be.
But I just want to hold on a little longer. I'm not quite ready to move ahead just yet.
Giving birth to children and becoming a mother are life changing events... there is no doubt about it. As I have written about before, for me, the transition was not seamless, despite the incredible love I have for my children. I struggled (and still do) to make sense of my new identity, to reconcile the hurt and pain from years in the trenches, and to adapt to my new role. And now, nearly a year in, I find that role changing once again.
My boys are no longer completely dependent little babies. Yes, they still are little. They still are babies. And they still depend on me. But now entirely like they did when they were one month old. They are branching out in their little world, discovering what it means to be apart from "mom" for a period of time, and learning things like how to move, to communicate, and to eat on their own. This transformation is truly incredible.
As I wrote about in this post, I, too, am branching out, back to the life that was put on hold when these little beings entered my life. And just as they face separation anxiety being away from me, so I face anxiety being away from them and trying to find my way in a land that is familiar and yet so different.
So much changes in one year with children.
I am not the same counsellor who left my job a year ago.
I am not the same friend I was before I had children.
I am not the same wife who lived childless with my husband for 8 years before these boys entered our lives.
I think it is only natural to feel anxious.
I haven't yet figured out how to really enjoy life "on my own" again. My best (and hardest) moments are when I am with my children.
I. Love. Being. Their. Mom. SOOOOO. Much.
It's all I really want to do right now.
I anticipate the milestone next month with a bit of trepidation. In some ways, I want things to stay exactly as they are right now forever. I know that can't be.
But I just want to hold on a little longer. I'm not quite ready to move ahead just yet.
Thursday, September 18, 2014
Sunday, September 7, 2014
The 8-9-10 Month Sleep Regression
Nobody told me about sleep regressions before having kids. Sure, I assumed the first few weeks would be tough, but I naively assumed that once you "trained" your kids to sleep properly, they would be sweet dreamers and sleep through the night no problem. Boy I was wrong! Even with a sleep consultant at our side, and fairly well sleeping babies, I must say I can only count a handful of nights that BOTH babies have actually slept all the way through.
This week we picked up our sleep training hard core again. I'll write more about how it goes once I have more to say. But can I just say that this current regression is a beast! It's hard to explain exactly what this regression is all about, but most information I find online says that somewhere between 8-10 months, it is common for babies to become like newborns again. It's a combination of huge brain development (I think we are in one of the toughest "Wonder Weeks" yet), teething, and just a bunch of stuff altogether.
Yesterday RJ refused to nap all day, and only slept for 30 minutes in a sling while we went for a walk. Last night MJ took over an hour to settle back to sleep after waking up. And this morning I just spent an hour getting RJ to nap, and only succeeded when I held him, rocked him, and sang to him, like when he was a newborn.
As exasperating as it is at times, all I could think today was how lucky I am to have these boys in my life. I love them SO MUCH it literally hurts. Sure, it's tough at 3am when all you want it your warm bed, but they are so seriously incredible. It pains me when they have a tough time falling asleep, and yet it is what they want and need most. But the little cuddles, the sweet softness of breath, the silky skin up against yours... it takes my breath away. I love you little bundles!
This week we picked up our sleep training hard core again. I'll write more about how it goes once I have more to say. But can I just say that this current regression is a beast! It's hard to explain exactly what this regression is all about, but most information I find online says that somewhere between 8-10 months, it is common for babies to become like newborns again. It's a combination of huge brain development (I think we are in one of the toughest "Wonder Weeks" yet), teething, and just a bunch of stuff altogether.
Yesterday RJ refused to nap all day, and only slept for 30 minutes in a sling while we went for a walk. Last night MJ took over an hour to settle back to sleep after waking up. And this morning I just spent an hour getting RJ to nap, and only succeeded when I held him, rocked him, and sang to him, like when he was a newborn.
As exasperating as it is at times, all I could think today was how lucky I am to have these boys in my life. I love them SO MUCH it literally hurts. Sure, it's tough at 3am when all you want it your warm bed, but they are so seriously incredible. It pains me when they have a tough time falling asleep, and yet it is what they want and need most. But the little cuddles, the sweet softness of breath, the silky skin up against yours... it takes my breath away. I love you little bundles!
Monday, September 1, 2014
10 Months
Ooops...I'm late on this post AND I think I completely forgot to post anything last month. Hopefully I'll catch up soon. But in the meantime, here are the little gaffers at 10 months!
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