Nursing strike, thrush, sugar fast...ugh!!!

Ugh... quite a frustrating day over here.

Just to vent it out quickly, the boys were diagnosed with mild thrush two weeks ago at the doctor's appointment.  We have been treating it, but didn't really notice a difference.  Well, this week RJ has been a very fussy eater, and in the past 24 hours, has nearly completely stopped taking the breast.  Sometimes he will start, but only last 3 or 4 minutes and then won't go back.  Other times he just screams bloody murder as soon as he sees the breast!  We have no idea where it is coming from, but are guessing that the thrush may be the culprit right now.  He is taking bottles fine so we have to do that to get him to eat at the moment.  It is so frustrating and sad!

So, the first step is to aggressively treat the thrush again (this time with gentian violet - the messy purple stuff), and put me on a sugar/wheat fast (well, not all wheat but I will cut down my consumption where I can).  Then I will likely need to spend one or two days depriving him of all artificial nipples and doing as much as I can to coax him back to breast (bathe with him, wear him in a sling, play with him with no clothes on, cuddle in bed).  It's not that I mind... it's just a lot of time and effort when there is ANOTHER baby to care for as well.  I'm sure we will get through it, but it is not going to be easy.

Mostly, though, this has just broken my heart.  I didn't realize how special the breastfeeding is to me.  I'm not trying to make this about "me"... of course the health and welfare of my child is first and foremost... but I can't bear the thought of not breastfeeding him at this point in time.  Even thinking about it led me to quite an emotional meltdown today.  With all the things my body has failed at doing, I am good at making milk.  My full-time job, as I call it, right now is to make milk and feed and care for these boys.  I love doing it, and I think it has been a healing agent after all I have been through.  Some of my most precious times with RJ have been when he was breastfeeding.  I will do whatever it takes to get it back. 

So please, if you've gone through a nursing strike or anything like this, help me out!  Or just send me some encouragement because I really need it today.

P.S. I am SOOOO addicted to sugar right now... I don't know what I'm going to do! 

Update on ME!

Hey ya'll,

I haven't updated on how I'm doing for a while, so here goes.

Physical
Today I went for my first run since I became pregnant!  It was so nice.  And so difficult!  I ran for about 30 minutes, with a couple stops in-between (to pick up dog poop).  It was a slow jog, not because my lungs couldn't handle it, but because my pelvic floor is out of shape.  I felt the pains of post-pregnancy afresh, and realized that it still will be a while till that area is back up to snuff.  Still, I was pretty happy.  I am looking forward to actually having sore muscles tomorrow!  I have really been craving exercise lately.  I am 3 months post-birth, and still have a long way to go in my weight loss goals.  Most of the weight is in my hips and belly, though all around I am thicker than I was previously.  I'm still only 15-20 lbs down from pregnancy so I have another 15-20 to go to pre-pregnancy, and then another 10 to my goal.  Whew, that sounds overwhelming!  I'm not in a huge rush, though.  I don't expect to be down to my pre-pregnancy weight for at least 6 months to a year.  I will focus on the rest later.

My plan is to try to jog twice a week, if I can get away from the babies!  The other days I will try to take them for a walk, when it's not too cold, and/or do yoga or strength exercises at home.  I'd love to start to incorporate some form of exercise every day again.  Once the babies are a bit bigger I will feel better leaving them for a class or longer workout.

Also I need to work on my eating habits.  I am eating mostly healthy meals, but my snacks are not that great.  I still am eating way too much sugar too.  I'd like to cut out as much sugar as I can, apart from my morning dose in my coffee and a bit of dark chocolate in the afternoon/evening (I never craved chocolate as much as I do since I started breastfeeding...crazy?).  So now that it's been said, I'm accountable, right?  Once I stop breastfeeding, or the boys start solids I may look at Weight Watchers, but I don't want to focus on limiting food right now since it is so important for my milk supply.

Emotional
Let me remember what I was going to say here.  Overall, I think I am doing very well.  Now that the boys have a bit more of a routine, and I am getting some sleep (5-6 hours on average), I am much more functional!  It really has helped me to get out of the house with the boys.  Not only is it a huge sense of accomplishment, but it helps keep me sane.  I have started to become more social again too.  DH and I even went out to a party in the evening with the boys the other night!  We haven't done an evening outing since they were born (apart from a Christmas banquet).


I am still processing a lot of my feelings surrounding their birth and our experience with infertility.  Lately I have a lot of emotions about it all.  As I treasure the moments I have with them as they grow (so quickly!), I still grieve, not knowing if I will ever experience this again.  I have a lot of anger about all that we had to go through and I still feel bitterness towards those who obtain it so easily.  It's not at the forefront of my mind anymore (I just don't have time for it), but it is still there.

Intellectual
As if I have the time to think about my intellectual mind... but still I am.  I know I need to keep my mind working so as to not be completely overtaken by baby brain.  Lately I have been thinking about how I really do want to have a bit of an understanding of the Korean language, especially if we want our boys to learn it.  I'm looking for someone here who could teach me.  I'm so fortunate not to have to go back to work yet, so I do need to find ways to keep my mind adult-oriented. 

Relationally

As I mentioned before, I am feeling more social again. I have had a few friends over lately and I also have connected with some local twin moms.  

DH and I have been talking about ways we can make our relationship more than just caretakers of these babies, though it really is hard, especially with where they are at right now. We barely even have time to ask each other about our days once he is home. Now that they are hopefully sleeping more we can have more time together after they go to bed.  I think it is really important to keep our relationship at the forefront, both for their development and for us.  I'm not quite sure how to do that, but it will remain a goal for the next few months.

So, there is a bit of where I am at 3-months post-partum.  

The "Mom" Club

I think I have entered a status I never thought I would be a part of... the "mom" club.  Not only did I not think I would ever get to be a part of this club, but I did not really even want to.  Let me explain. 

I always wanted to have children and be a mom, but I didn't want to associate myself with most of the moms who I knew.  These moms spent their days catering to their children's needs, driving them everywhere, obsessing about the last time their child pooped, or how long they slept, and really could not talk about anything BUT their children.  I knew that parenting was a big endeavour, but did it really need to overtake their ENTIRE life?!?  I felt bitter towards these people, and vowed that if I ever was so lucky to become a mom, I would remain a well-rounded, contributing member of society.

Here I am, many months later, with 3-month old twin boys at home.  What do I care about right now?  When did the boys last eat?  Did they eat enough?  RJ hasn't pooped in 3 days!  What's on my agenda?  Washing bottles, doing laundry, feeding, changing, burping, rocking, sleeping.  Checking email... what's that?  Reading?  Going out with friends?  Who has the time?  Even if I did hang out with my pre-baby friends, what could I say to contribute to the conversation?  My life is only babies right now.  I literally do not have the time to even think about anything else going on in the world outside. 

But it's okay. 

I'm okay with it. 

This is just a season.  I can round myself out again in the future.  For now, I want to just cuddle, and love, and take care of these precious gifts. 

On a side note, what is neat about being in the mom club is how I have already made new friends.  Since moving here, it has been hard to make friends, since we are older and didn't have kids.  We didn't fit with the singles, and we didn't fit with the families.  That didn't leave much of a place for DH and I.  I don't like the fact that we had to have kids to "fit in" but, I do like the chance that I am getting to meet new people.  Right now, I need to talk to other moms.  I need to normalize the experience I am going through, and the only ones who can really get it are other twin moms out there.  So, for now, I am really grateful!  And don't worry - I am still staying connected to my pre-baby friends as best as I can!  

A day in the life... with 3-month old twin boys

I always love reading about other people's days with babies.  If you're about to have twins, here is a taste of what my life is currently like.  People say the first 6-8 months with twins are just a blur.  So far, it is true!  The first 8 weeks especially are so insane.  I really can't remember anything about how I felt...it was pure survival.  By about 12 weeks we sort of got into a routine, which has made my life so much better.  I know it is subject to change over and over again, but for now, it is great!

8:00am - Day begins!  PUT THE COFFEE ON!!!  I try to get up prior to this feed to get myself ready, but it depends on how much sleep I have had, and how tired I am.  This schedule is also plus/minus an hour, depending on how the previous night has gone.  The boys have their first feed (usually I tandem feed them).  Burp, wash faces, change them for the day ahead.  Have a bit of playtime, unless they are still sleepy and ready to go back down for a nap.  After each feed I change diapers, burp, and then try to get in a pumping session while they play and/or nap.  So, really a feed can take 1 1/2-2 hours easily. 

9:30am - Hopefully they have gone back down and I can get myself some breakfast and maybe a shower.  Usually it's too much to ask for both shower AND food in between feeds, so I try to clean up the kitchen a little and get ready for the day.

10:00-11:00 - Boys wake up again hungry.  Try to hold out till they are both awake, and tandem feed again.  They are more awake after this feed so we have some play time, try to work on tummy time, etc.  While they are playing, I will try to get some lunch ready for whenever I have a chance to eat.  If I have help.

12:30pm - Naptime for the boys (and maybe for me if they both magically go down together).

1:30-2:00 - Up for a feed again.  Sometimes for this feed I will bottle feed one and breastfeed the other, for some one-on-one time. 

3:00 - Hopefully if it's nice out, I try to get out for a walk before it's too cold/late.  This has been working out nice because they nap in the stroller, or just chill out watching everything.  I walk for about an hour when I can.  It's great to take a break and get out of the house by this point in the day. 

5:00 - They almost always wake up by this point in time, and here begins their fussy period (the witching hour?).  We do what we can to entertain them, rock them, nurse, while trying to clean up the house a bit and prepare supper (my DH is home by this point).

6:00 - Tandem feed.  We have been doing this feed and then trying to put them down for one more "nap" before we bath them and put them to bed, but we might switch this up.  They have a hard time napping at this hour and usually fuss (or scream) while we are trying to eat and clean up. 

7:00 - Bedtime routine!  Bath, comfy PJs, bottle feed, burp, and bed.  Our goal is to have them in bed by 8:00.  Usually after their bath they will have a good stretch of sleep.  This gives us a chance to finish eating dinner, clean up dinner, do any last tasks around the house, wash and prepare bottles, and hopefully have a few minutes of downtime.  I often try to go to bed as soon as I can after this point!

11:00pm/12:00am - Up for a feed.  We are trying to have help for this feed so that we can sleep (I get up for a quick pump to supply for the night).  Whomever is helping will bottle feed the boys. 

2:00-3:00am - Bottle feed.  Usually DH and I will do this together, unless they are staggered, in which case he is "on shift" and will feed them.  Right now we try to have someone (my dad or a friend) on shift from 10-1 so we both can sleep.  Then DH is on shift from 1-4 and I take 4-7.  When it is just DH and I, we do 10pm-2am and 2am-6am shifts.  The hope is that when the boys aren't feeding, that person can sleep in the room with them during their shift (though that doesn't always happen).  I get up every 3-4 hours to pump.

5:00-6:00am - Up for an early morning small feed.  They haven't been eating as much at this feed, so sometimes I will breastfeed them individually, or tandem if they wake up together.  If I am super exhausted I will give them a bottle (bottle feeds go faster for the most part).  If I feed them individually, I often take them into bed with me and feed them lying down so I can doze.

8:00am - We start all over again!   

This really is a "rough" sketch of how things goes.  The naps are not nearly that straight forward.  Usually one twin will fall asleep first, and by the time the next one goes down, the first one is up again.  So I feel like I am constantly putting a baby to sleep... that itself is exhausting!  I hardly have many hands free moments so I try to get as much done as quickly as possible when I do.  That, too, is exhausting.  Overall, it really just is exhausting.  And from what I hear, we soon will enter the four month sleep regression...oh my!!!

3 Month Review

For those who are interested, I am keeping track of monthly info for the twins, and will try my best to post a monthly update.  It's a long one, so feel free to skip on by if you're not interested.  I know it is a huge help for me to read what other twins are doing at similar ages as mine.  

*****

This past month was a whirlwind, and probably the toughest one yet.  After running on adrenaline so long, the sleep deprivation catches up and making it through the days and then the nights became tough.  We also had a break from routine with Christmas events and visits from family.  It was great for the boys to meet all their aunts/uncles and cousins, but it was tiring too.  I think we all are excited to get back to somewhat of a routine (and hopefully start teaching the boys to sleep longer through the nights).  

Eat/Sleep/Health

The boys eat about 8-10 meals per day.  On a bottle feeding (using expressed milk), RJ takes about 75-100mL and MJ 100-125mL.  Lately, they are a bit picky about tandem feeding, as if they don’t like to share mom with each other, but they both like their one-on-one time with mom.  RJ, especially, likes to comfort feed with mom and fall asleep at the breast.  The boys are battling a bit of thrush right now.  It has not affected MJ’s appetite, but may be a reason why RJ is a bit particular.  RJ has had a cold for a few weeks with a stuffy nose too.  They both were showing signs of thrush so received treatment for it as well.  Still, both are growing just fine.  At their last check-up RJ weighed in at 10lb,10oz and MJ was 11lb,12oz.  Both are double their birth weight now, which is awesome!  The boys outgrew their newborn/preemie outfits and mostly wore 0-3 month clothing this month.  Some of those outfits were too small by the end of the month so they are also in some 3-6 outfits.  They are wearing size 1 diapers.  They still eat every 3 hours (or so), but have had a couple stretches of 4-5 hours between meals.  

Play

We are starting to see personalities of the boys emerging.  MJ is mostly laid back, but knows what he wants and makes his needs well known (this boy can cry!).  He usually is fairly simple to please... feed him, change his diaper, or give him a burp.  He still eats a lot and is messy and fast when he is hungry.  During play time, MJ prefers to just lie there and watch, but loves being talked to.  He will smile and try to talk back too.  It is super cute.  He is also taking notice of his surroundings.  He especially loves the swing and watching the teddy bears above his head.  RJ, on the other hand, is a bit more high maintenance (so far).  He eats slow and steady and is a bit more picky if something is not quite right.  This month he really liked his snuggles and didn’t want to be put down a lot of the time.  He got used to being carried in the sling while mom quickly found the time to eat some food.  During playtime, RJ is very active, kicking his arms and legs around.  He loves to play with this green ball with shakers in it (though mostly he tries to eat it).  RJ is just starting to be vocal.  You can watch him trying to form sounds with his mouth as if he is trying to figure out how to do it before he tries.  When he is playing, he makes lots of squeal noises.  Both boys have discovered their hands and RJ has even sucked on his thumb a few times.  On the warmer days, mom has taken the boys out for walks in their double stroller.  MJ just likes to sleep in his carseat, but RJ is more aware of his surroundings and likes to watch the sky.  

Events

The big events this month were Christmas and family related!  RJ and MJ got to meet all their aunts/uncles and cousins on their mom's side and they got lots of cuddles!  They went to church for the first time the Sunday before Christmas and enjoyed the Christmas Eve service too.  Other than that, they just stayed home a lot, to avoid catching any germs with all the illnesses going around.  For New Years, they celebrated with family, though they slept through the midnight countdown (as did mom).  Right at their 3 month birthday, they travelled on their first trip to Vancouver so that dad could attend his grandfather’s funeral.  They had their first ferry ride, stayed in a float home in North Vancouver and visited Lonsdale Quay.  The boys did great the whole trip and got lots of cuddles from all of dad’s family.  

All in all, it was a fun, but exhausting, month and it can only get better from here!

Spoiled with toys from grandma and grandpa (including a jolly jumper... hooray!)

Those eyes!

He slays me with his cuteness.

Love you my 3-month old baby boys

3 Months!

Happy 3 months RJ & MJ!  Our trip is going well and we are having a good time. The boys received these adorable outfits from a friend. How cute are they?

Away We Go!

We are taking the boys on their first trip to Vancouver tomorrow for a couple of nights. It is mainly for DH's grandfather's funeral (he passed away suddenly last week), but we will use the chance to let family and friends meet the boys. 

Of course I am a bit nervous of all the variables with twins, but I hope we can roll with the punches and even enjoy ourselves.  The boys will be 3 months on Saturday. They had their first round of shots yesterday and still are in recovery mode. 

Wish us luck!