Well, woke up this morning to a BIG FAT NEGATIVE! I didn't really think it would be positive, but still it was disappointing. But no period yet. Then I got to work and discovered just the slightest amount of spotting. So slight it was hardly noticeable, but spotting nonetheless. I don't think I resigned myself to the fact that my P might be coming because I still kept hope. Throughout the day I felt pretty normal. I had a bit of a headache and indigestion feeling this afternoon. And this evening my stomach has not felt "right" (bloated, but wanting to eat, sick feeling at the thought of some foods). Again I don't know how much is in my head. And now, the day is almost over and I still have not got it. I had another small twinge of spotting, and so now it feels like it might come tomorrow. Which would be fine if it just came already and got it over with! But it's now 5 days late...tomorrow will be 6! I could have been done with it all already if it had come on time. And f course I can't help thinking the "what if..." It is so odd for it to be so late. I hate this not knowing and being in-between. I want to know one way or the other. Aaah!
We did talk about how we would think about pursuing other options, like IUI, if it doesn't happen this time. Sigh.
We need a miracle. Anything that would happen at this point in time would be a miracle, and we will see it that way.
Wednesday, March 9, 2011
Tuesday, March 8, 2011
The title name
Well I became a slacker on the 10th day of the cleanse and we kind of gave it up. The weekend was hard to stay "healthy" and then we've just had some busy days/road trips, resulting in fast food, blech! I'll try to write more about it later.
But, in other news... the thing that has been on my mind, is that I am actually 4 DAYS LATE as we speak. A full four days, which has not happened in my recollection EVER. It is day 32 today. And I woke up yesterday with a cold sore (which sometimes happens to people in early pregnancy). And I have not had any spotting or discharge at all (also weird). And my breasts were quite tender for a good 3-4 days, which usually only happens for one day at the most. So... here I am. I just got a pregnancy test and will wait till the morning to try (I tried one tonight but it showed negative). They say to use the first urine of the morning. I also feel a bit fluttery in my tummy. Not like period cramps. A bit heartburn too. But maybe I am just making all of these up due to wishful thinking. I'm not sure what I'll do if my period does come. :( This is the last chance before my 30th birthday. Not that that should be as big a deal as I am making it out to be. I was kind of resigned to turn 30 without being pregnant. But now the hope is alive again. We'll see. I'm trying not to get my hopes up, but it is seriously hard not to! I am expecting that even if I don't get my period tomorrow, I may see a BFN on the test because it's still early. But we'll see.
That's all for now. I am super tired. We drove to Victoria after work last night to see a show, and then drove home again afterwards. Got to bed at 2:30 and up for work at 8. It is time for me to get some real rest!
Here's to hoping, and wishing, and praying!!!!
But, in other news... the thing that has been on my mind, is that I am actually 4 DAYS LATE as we speak. A full four days, which has not happened in my recollection EVER. It is day 32 today. And I woke up yesterday with a cold sore (which sometimes happens to people in early pregnancy). And I have not had any spotting or discharge at all (also weird). And my breasts were quite tender for a good 3-4 days, which usually only happens for one day at the most. So... here I am. I just got a pregnancy test and will wait till the morning to try (I tried one tonight but it showed negative). They say to use the first urine of the morning. I also feel a bit fluttery in my tummy. Not like period cramps. A bit heartburn too. But maybe I am just making all of these up due to wishful thinking. I'm not sure what I'll do if my period does come. :( This is the last chance before my 30th birthday. Not that that should be as big a deal as I am making it out to be. I was kind of resigned to turn 30 without being pregnant. But now the hope is alive again. We'll see. I'm trying not to get my hopes up, but it is seriously hard not to! I am expecting that even if I don't get my period tomorrow, I may see a BFN on the test because it's still early. But we'll see.
That's all for now. I am super tired. We drove to Victoria after work last night to see a show, and then drove home again afterwards. Got to bed at 2:30 and up for work at 8. It is time for me to get some real rest!
Here's to hoping, and wishing, and praying!!!!
Tuesday, March 1, 2011
The Cleanse: Days 6-9
I don't have too much detail to write for these days. Just trying to remember to say something before I forget.
We had a bit of a slip up over the weekend, but I'm not too concerned. We went for a big 12km cross-country ski on Saturday. Once we were done we headed to the lodge to chill and just had to get ourselves a steamed milk hot chocolate. It was the most glorious thing I have ever tasted! Talk about deprived, hey? And I didn't even feel sick after drinking it.
Sunday was a different story because we hosted an Academy Awards party. We asked everyone to bring snacks and I thought there would be a bit more assortment. However, all that was brought was chips, donuts and cupcakes. And we didn't eat dinner beforehand. All in all, however, I didn't do too bad. I had a few Hershey's chocolates, some chips, some punch and then a few bite-size appetizers. But afterwards and into the next day, I felt pretty terrible. Cramping and general blahness. I purged by going for a nice run on Monday and eating well. Unfortunately, once you slip once it is easy to bend the rules a bit... We made popcorn on Monday too and oh it was good!
We are almost done the bottle of cleanse powder we have and I don't think I'll buy another one. We had a no meat day today and we'll try to do no meat tomorrow. Then for the rest of the week I just plan to continue eating healthy. By the weekend I want to start reintroducing foods to see if any react with my system.
So, that's the plan! My energy levels have been alright. I do notice if I don't get enough sleep so the focus is on going to bed on time this week. Just had a great yoga class today and a bath with epsom salts and a nice body scrub. Ready to cuddle up and rest the night away then begin again tomorrow!
We had a bit of a slip up over the weekend, but I'm not too concerned. We went for a big 12km cross-country ski on Saturday. Once we were done we headed to the lodge to chill and just had to get ourselves a steamed milk hot chocolate. It was the most glorious thing I have ever tasted! Talk about deprived, hey? And I didn't even feel sick after drinking it.
Sunday was a different story because we hosted an Academy Awards party. We asked everyone to bring snacks and I thought there would be a bit more assortment. However, all that was brought was chips, donuts and cupcakes. And we didn't eat dinner beforehand. All in all, however, I didn't do too bad. I had a few Hershey's chocolates, some chips, some punch and then a few bite-size appetizers. But afterwards and into the next day, I felt pretty terrible. Cramping and general blahness. I purged by going for a nice run on Monday and eating well. Unfortunately, once you slip once it is easy to bend the rules a bit... We made popcorn on Monday too and oh it was good!
We are almost done the bottle of cleanse powder we have and I don't think I'll buy another one. We had a no meat day today and we'll try to do no meat tomorrow. Then for the rest of the week I just plan to continue eating healthy. By the weekend I want to start reintroducing foods to see if any react with my system.
So, that's the plan! My energy levels have been alright. I do notice if I don't get enough sleep so the focus is on going to bed on time this week. Just had a great yoga class today and a bath with epsom salts and a nice body scrub. Ready to cuddle up and rest the night away then begin again tomorrow!
Friday, February 25, 2011
The Cleanse - Day 5 (And counselling!)
The grumpies have passed!!! I woke up this morning feeling not quite as tired as the other mornings. I had a big of anticipation as well, since Dan and I had a scheduled counselling appointment today (this time with me as the client, not the counsellor). We continued on with the cleanse as normal today and I felt much, much better. My eating schedule was a bit out of whack from getting up early and then having a busy afternoon with clients, but I snuck in a salad for lunch after just eating a smoothing for breakfast, and snacked on an energy ball to help get me through the afternoon slump. I must say, I had a small "cheat" to get me through 4 hours straight of counselling. I made a cup of tea and only had a few sips of it. Be it psychological or not, it helped. I had a delicious dinner of steak, lots of steamed veggies and potatotes, and here I am after dinner and not even craving sweets or caffeine! I even had energy to clean the house after dinner and get life in order. At last, I'm hoping the emotional roller coaster is done! We took up drinking lemons in our water today. It has been quite nice and helps feel like we are cleansing even deeper as we flush all those toxins out. I still have not noticed any physical weight being lost, but my facial skin looks pretty good and those bags under my eyes are going away. I would like to vamp up the exercise but we'll be going off meat in a few days so I'll need to be sure to boost up the protein in other ways.
Now, about the counselling... it wasn't the worst but it definitely wasn't the best. We found out afterwards that the counsellor is not certified with a governing body at this point in time. Which explains a lot! He talked a lot about himself, and didn't really help me in the areas I was looking for. But I think it was still somewhat beneficial, and maybe even part of God's plan. He encouraged us to "bring God into the bedroom" more. And to make our lovemaking a spiritual act, in a way. To have fun, and do it joyously, but bring God into it even more. I don't know if I would say our infertility is outright spiritual attack, but it could partially be. And I have always wondered more about having God a part of our lovemaking. I have heard others talk about how spiritual they find it, and I have never really found it that way with DH. Part of that may be because of how DH expresses his spirituality, but I do know that we both need to make God more a part of our lives, so why not start in this area? I'm not sure where exactly this will take us. But at this point, I'm willing to give anything a try! The faith may be lacking, but even Sarah laughed when God said she would have a child. So, anointing the bed in oil, laying hands on our reproductive organs, praying and having others intercede for us, may not be so silly after all... (though I still giggle when I think of the laying on of hands...hehe)
Now, about the counselling... it wasn't the worst but it definitely wasn't the best. We found out afterwards that the counsellor is not certified with a governing body at this point in time. Which explains a lot! He talked a lot about himself, and didn't really help me in the areas I was looking for. But I think it was still somewhat beneficial, and maybe even part of God's plan. He encouraged us to "bring God into the bedroom" more. And to make our lovemaking a spiritual act, in a way. To have fun, and do it joyously, but bring God into it even more. I don't know if I would say our infertility is outright spiritual attack, but it could partially be. And I have always wondered more about having God a part of our lovemaking. I have heard others talk about how spiritual they find it, and I have never really found it that way with DH. Part of that may be because of how DH expresses his spirituality, but I do know that we both need to make God more a part of our lives, so why not start in this area? I'm not sure where exactly this will take us. But at this point, I'm willing to give anything a try! The faith may be lacking, but even Sarah laughed when God said she would have a child. So, anointing the bed in oil, laying hands on our reproductive organs, praying and having others intercede for us, may not be so silly after all... (though I still giggle when I think of the laying on of hands...hehe)
Thursday, February 24, 2011
The Cleanse Day 1-4
Well, we began a cleanse this week. I'm not sure what really "inspired" me to get it going. I was feeling fat last week. And sluggish. And like it is almost my 30th birthday and I wasn't happy with how I was looking/feeling. So, thus it has begun. And DH has decided to join me in this, shall we say, adventure! So, I thought I would write a bit about how it goes and document that journey here as well.
Basically, the cleanse is straightforward: no sugar, no caffeine, no wheat and no dairy. Easier said than done. We are eating meats this first week, and then going to try to cut back next week. I am not sure if we'll make it to the third week or not. We're also taking a powder supplement called Mediclear (Thorne) that was recommended by the naturopathic doctor. My goals of this cleanse are to:
- Wean myself off of the high amounts of sugar and caffeine I was using to get through life.
- Cleanse myself from within
- Hopefully lose a few pounds
- Gain back some energy
The diet part is not too hard, except that it means LOTS of planning ahead (especially the first few days as we get into it). Once we feel "cleansed" we will start to slowly add back food types one at a time to see if they react to our system at all. During this time, I am also trying to cleanse other areas of my life too. I am trying not to wear makeup (or very little), exercising more, doing more yoga, and attempting to get more sleep. Here is how the first few days have gone:
Day 1: Monday - After Bible group the night before, I woke up quite tired. When I came home from work (counselling), I was very tired, very grumpy, and just wanted sugar or caffeine. I tried to go to bed early hoping the next day would be better. Overall feeling: 7/10
Day 2: Tuesday - Tuesday was pretty similar to Monday. I was grumpy right from the start of the morning. I didn't look as tired though, and my skin had a bit more of a glow to it. I still craved sweets a lot! Tried to get by drinking lots of herbal teas (they're really NOT the same as a good cup of tea or coffee). Worked real hard at yoga and then did the steam room afterward. I was VERY tired after that and went to bed early again. Overall: 7/10
Day 3: Wednesday - Woke up quite sort from yoga. The sweet cravings were not as bad. Had a bit of a walk at work. By the end of the day I was very tired and emotional (crying)...feeling the effects of no sugar or caffeine. Overall 6/10
Day 4: Thursday - Woke up feeling the worst so far. I was sore, tired, and my eyes looked so tired. My nose was sniffly all day, and I just felt COLD all the time. However, after eating healthy, and having a good brisk walk at lunch, I perked up a bit. I feel like the need for caffeine has passed, and hopefully the sugar craving will be gone more by tomorrow too. Got some encouragement from ND and that has helped me to be motivated to go a little more. I have not noticed any visible signs of losing weight at this point in time. I would like to have a workout of some sort tonight (but it's too cold to go outside and not sure I'll make it to the gym...maybe just some strength at home). Overall: 5-6/10
Basically, the cleanse is straightforward: no sugar, no caffeine, no wheat and no dairy. Easier said than done. We are eating meats this first week, and then going to try to cut back next week. I am not sure if we'll make it to the third week or not. We're also taking a powder supplement called Mediclear (Thorne) that was recommended by the naturopathic doctor. My goals of this cleanse are to:
- Wean myself off of the high amounts of sugar and caffeine I was using to get through life.
- Cleanse myself from within
- Hopefully lose a few pounds
- Gain back some energy
The diet part is not too hard, except that it means LOTS of planning ahead (especially the first few days as we get into it). Once we feel "cleansed" we will start to slowly add back food types one at a time to see if they react to our system at all. During this time, I am also trying to cleanse other areas of my life too. I am trying not to wear makeup (or very little), exercising more, doing more yoga, and attempting to get more sleep. Here is how the first few days have gone:
Day 1: Monday - After Bible group the night before, I woke up quite tired. When I came home from work (counselling), I was very tired, very grumpy, and just wanted sugar or caffeine. I tried to go to bed early hoping the next day would be better. Overall feeling: 7/10
Day 2: Tuesday - Tuesday was pretty similar to Monday. I was grumpy right from the start of the morning. I didn't look as tired though, and my skin had a bit more of a glow to it. I still craved sweets a lot! Tried to get by drinking lots of herbal teas (they're really NOT the same as a good cup of tea or coffee). Worked real hard at yoga and then did the steam room afterward. I was VERY tired after that and went to bed early again. Overall: 7/10
Day 3: Wednesday - Woke up quite sort from yoga. The sweet cravings were not as bad. Had a bit of a walk at work. By the end of the day I was very tired and emotional (crying)...feeling the effects of no sugar or caffeine. Overall 6/10
Day 4: Thursday - Woke up feeling the worst so far. I was sore, tired, and my eyes looked so tired. My nose was sniffly all day, and I just felt COLD all the time. However, after eating healthy, and having a good brisk walk at lunch, I perked up a bit. I feel like the need for caffeine has passed, and hopefully the sugar craving will be gone more by tomorrow too. Got some encouragement from ND and that has helped me to be motivated to go a little more. I have not noticed any visible signs of losing weight at this point in time. I would like to have a workout of some sort tonight (but it's too cold to go outside and not sure I'll make it to the gym...maybe just some strength at home). Overall: 5-6/10
Tuesday, February 8, 2011
The title name
I had the greatest inspiration to sit down and write a blog post about an hour ago, but I got sidetracked taking a bath after yoga, and now I completely forget what I wanted to write about. Boo!
I do know that I'm having one of those "I'm terribly fat and hate everything about myself" kind of days (or maybe weeks, or months). The only consolation came in someone telling me today that I have movie star hair. This morning it WAS movie star hair. I almost don't want to have bangs cut, which is what I recently decided I would do before my birthday in March. Oh March. Coming ever so swiftly. March, my favorite month. March, when the tulips and daffodils pop up, and the cherry blossoms bloom. March, whereon I hit the dreaded (though dreaded is not even a strong enough word to describe how I feel) big three zero! I'm freaking out more and more as the day comes closer. I never cared so much about hitting 30 before. But now it's different. I never imagined hitting 30 without having a kid. All my imaginings of life after 30 involved being a mom. A young, hip, caring, fun, mom. It's like if I become a mom after I'm 30, I'll instantly lose all ability to have those adjectives before my name. But I don't really care otherwise about turning 30. I am married. I am about to begin my "career" (which I realized, however, I only really wanted in the context of having a family). Maybe that is what all of a sudden hit me. The life I am living now, the life we have planned for and is now upon us, was always planned in my head with a family involved. I don't really want to be "full time" counsellor/career woman. I want to do counselling part-time and be a mom. I don't really want to be a pastor's wife without a family. I want to be a pastoral family with kids. I don't want to live in the valley and thrive upon home-making, and farmer's markets, and a simple lifestyle without kids. I want to raise a family here in the simplistic way that I can't in other cities. I don't want a house that I have to fill with foreign exchange students to feel full. I want a house full of MY kids running around. I figured out what the title of this blog really means to me. I want a family grown in love. I want to have a baby grown at home, and not in a doctor's office full of medical procedures. Home Grown Love. That is what I want.
Home Grown Love
I do know that I'm having one of those "I'm terribly fat and hate everything about myself" kind of days (or maybe weeks, or months). The only consolation came in someone telling me today that I have movie star hair. This morning it WAS movie star hair. I almost don't want to have bangs cut, which is what I recently decided I would do before my birthday in March. Oh March. Coming ever so swiftly. March, my favorite month. March, when the tulips and daffodils pop up, and the cherry blossoms bloom. March, whereon I hit the dreaded (though dreaded is not even a strong enough word to describe how I feel) big three zero! I'm freaking out more and more as the day comes closer. I never cared so much about hitting 30 before. But now it's different. I never imagined hitting 30 without having a kid. All my imaginings of life after 30 involved being a mom. A young, hip, caring, fun, mom. It's like if I become a mom after I'm 30, I'll instantly lose all ability to have those adjectives before my name. But I don't really care otherwise about turning 30. I am married. I am about to begin my "career" (which I realized, however, I only really wanted in the context of having a family). Maybe that is what all of a sudden hit me. The life I am living now, the life we have planned for and is now upon us, was always planned in my head with a family involved. I don't really want to be "full time" counsellor/career woman. I want to do counselling part-time and be a mom. I don't really want to be a pastor's wife without a family. I want to be a pastoral family with kids. I don't want to live in the valley and thrive upon home-making, and farmer's markets, and a simple lifestyle without kids. I want to raise a family here in the simplistic way that I can't in other cities. I don't want a house that I have to fill with foreign exchange students to feel full. I want a house full of MY kids running around. I figured out what the title of this blog really means to me. I want a family grown in love. I want to have a baby grown at home, and not in a doctor's office full of medical procedures. Home Grown Love. That is what I want.
Home Grown Love
Sunday, February 6, 2011
She's laaaate!
I was three days late this cycle. But three days late does not mean late altogether. On day 31, the floodgates opened. Again. Somehow (as always, I suppose), I really thought this might be the time. While I didn't get my hopes up crazy high (I refuse to let my mind go there anymore), I entertained a bit of the "what ifs." So when it happened, I came crashing down pretty hard. My night was filled with a bottle of red wine, chocolate, popcorn, candy, and a chick flick while Dan was out. There were tears, too, of course. And a resignation of "this will never work on our own." We need intervention of some sort.
I was supposed to see the gynecologist to start on clomid this cycle. But DH was not ready to do his part, which was providing yet another sample. We fought, made up, talked it over, cried, prayed, and still did not resolve on what to do. The hardest part right now is that we know someone who works at the lab, which makes the act of bringing in a sample even harder (as if it is not hard enough in the first place!). And then we had the discussion of doing this the "natural" way versus the "scientific" way. Now that is what we are both reeling from.
I don't know what a Christian perspective to infertility is. I have heard stories from people who were barren and prayed and God answered their prayer and provided a miracle. The Bible is full of characters like that. And in every case, it is God who acts to bring the miracle. I think that is a beautiful thing. At the same time, here I sit, waiting... knowing there IS something that we can do to speed this process along. But in that, am I becoming like Sarah or Rebekah (or Rachel, I can't remember which), who took matters into their own hands and gave their husband to their maidservant to conceive a child with? While they got their wish and heart's desire, it came with hardship of its own. I can't think of a story of infertility in the Bible where God did not, eventually, hear from heaven and heal the womb. Does God still act in that way? What of the many, many people who suffer from infertility today. What of the scientific advances we have made, and of the possibilities for anybody to have a baby through sperm donors, IVF, surrogate mothers... what does God think of this? This world is so complex. The simple act of having a baby and giving life to a new being is no longer "simple." And that is all that I ache for - a simple life.
I do feel that we nee prayerful support these days. I think it is time to let people know where we are at. I just don't know how open Dan will be to that, and who we should ask. I don't know the scale of what help we need. I just know that I am in agony and my spirit hurts so badly right now. We have an appointment to see a counsellor in a few weeks. He is a Christian/former pastor, from Black Creek (outside of our community), and has worked through infertility/sexual issues with couples. A lot of male infertility is affected by psychological issues, so that is another avenue we have not yet explored.
I just really feel like we need to give up "trying" in a sense. We are not going to be able to do this on our own. I just don't know how to rely on God enough to help us, or what next step to take.
Lord, light our way, we pray.
I was supposed to see the gynecologist to start on clomid this cycle. But DH was not ready to do his part, which was providing yet another sample. We fought, made up, talked it over, cried, prayed, and still did not resolve on what to do. The hardest part right now is that we know someone who works at the lab, which makes the act of bringing in a sample even harder (as if it is not hard enough in the first place!). And then we had the discussion of doing this the "natural" way versus the "scientific" way. Now that is what we are both reeling from.
I don't know what a Christian perspective to infertility is. I have heard stories from people who were barren and prayed and God answered their prayer and provided a miracle. The Bible is full of characters like that. And in every case, it is God who acts to bring the miracle. I think that is a beautiful thing. At the same time, here I sit, waiting... knowing there IS something that we can do to speed this process along. But in that, am I becoming like Sarah or Rebekah (or Rachel, I can't remember which), who took matters into their own hands and gave their husband to their maidservant to conceive a child with? While they got their wish and heart's desire, it came with hardship of its own. I can't think of a story of infertility in the Bible where God did not, eventually, hear from heaven and heal the womb. Does God still act in that way? What of the many, many people who suffer from infertility today. What of the scientific advances we have made, and of the possibilities for anybody to have a baby through sperm donors, IVF, surrogate mothers... what does God think of this? This world is so complex. The simple act of having a baby and giving life to a new being is no longer "simple." And that is all that I ache for - a simple life.
I do feel that we nee prayerful support these days. I think it is time to let people know where we are at. I just don't know how open Dan will be to that, and who we should ask. I don't know the scale of what help we need. I just know that I am in agony and my spirit hurts so badly right now. We have an appointment to see a counsellor in a few weeks. He is a Christian/former pastor, from Black Creek (outside of our community), and has worked through infertility/sexual issues with couples. A lot of male infertility is affected by psychological issues, so that is another avenue we have not yet explored.
I just really feel like we need to give up "trying" in a sense. We are not going to be able to do this on our own. I just don't know how to rely on God enough to help us, or what next step to take.
Lord, light our way, we pray.
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