Well, we adopted a new dog! Her name is Kaya and she is an 8-month old border collie. It’s all very new (she just came home with DH on Monday) and I am not quite sure what to think yet. She is very sweet and seems to like us and our lifestyle. She is soooo passive, which is quite a shock compared to our time with Max. Honestly, I feel like something is wrong because we are not being fought, tooth and nail, for everything that we try to do. She is so easy that it seems too good to be true. She lets us touch her anywhere, she doesn’t complain when bathed, she doesn’t run off, she has no food aggression, she is so gentle, she plays nicely with other dogs and is very excited to meet new people, she lets us pick her up, she walks fairly well (except when there are birds around), she does not bark… the list goes on an on!
I think, though, that I am still processing feelings about Max(Past dog). As wonderful as Kaya is (and I know we’ll grow to love her), there was something so special about Max for us. He was the most difficult living being I have EVER encountered, but he played such an important role in our lives. I can’t quite figure out what that role was though. He was wild and free-willed, yet fun and loyal. He gave us structure in the chaos of our lives at that point in time. Somehow he stood for something we wanted in our lives. And though he wasn’t quite like a child, he had such a personality that I think he somehow fulfilled part of that longing in us. It sounds so crazy to put that down, but I think it is true. While Kaya is a great dog, she’ll always be just a dog. Max was something more. And I still miss that.
I’m not sure if this is a result of that, or having friends come visit last week, or knowing that my closest friend here is pregnant… but I have had a tough week. Despite feeling well overall, I have come close to tears a number of times and had moments of feeling “down” here and there. I’ve had a lot of great times, but somewhere down there is an unfulfilled longing that keeps popping up. It probably doesn’t help that I read a statistic saying that couples who have not gotten pregnant after 5 years of trying only have a 20% chance of conceiving naturally. I’ve started to think of the “What if…” What if we can’t get pregnant, or don’t? What if we try assisted technologies but still can’t do it? Then what? What if we have to adopt? I feel like it would be such a long process (the number 3 years is in my head, but I’m not sure if that’s accurate or not). I don’t know if I can wait three more years. I don’t even know if I want to adopt. I feel like having someone else’s kid could never be the same as having your own. I feel like how I feel about Max and Kaya. Max was our baby. Despite his flaws, we loved him so dearly. Kaya is great and she fulfills her role (so far), but she is not “ours”…at least not yet. I’m sure that will change in time, but I can’t make the decision for adoption based on the type of feeling I have about it right now. It’s not enough for me.
So does that leave us as one of those couples who just doesn’t have kids? Sometimes I can picture it. We could be happy. We have one another. I think we have a love that could be enough just for the two of us. Maybe that’s why I’ve always felt we had an extra special type of love. It’s unfortunate not to be able to share it though. I think this has also hit me because I feel like I’ve been meeting a lot of young couples without kids. For a minute it gives me hope… and then I find that they are younger than my little brother! We are in the same place of life as them and we are at least 5 years ahead of them. That bothers me. I don’t know how to move on or past this place without being honest about where we’re at. But I don’t feel free to be honest about it yet because we don’t know what to say about it. So I’m stuck.
Thursday, June 9, 2011
Saturday, May 28, 2011
New things
We had a cool couple of weeks here. I thought I would share a bit about them (though, warning, I am extremely tired and should be in bed so this may be short and to the point). Last week was the community Empire Days and we rented a spot at the street market and handed out free lemonade (homemade mint lemonade at that!). It was really cool because people were so shocked at getting something for free. Our purpose was to get some recognition in the community and to invite people out to a barbecue this week. We handed out almost 500 cups of lemonade and it was so much fun. We had a few interesting conversations about faith and got a bit of a flavour for what the area is like.
So... this week was the BBQ. We had no idea how many people to expect and planned for 50-80 (I pushed DH to do more than we should have, just in case), but had about 35 people show up (including the Bible group). I don't think anyone from the market days actually came, no that's not quite true. A bunch of kids (the lost boys we called them) who were next to us at the market (mom was selling hotdogs) came out. The rest of the people were either from the Community Church, or knew someone from the church. We even went around the streets inviting whoever we saw to come out. And actually, a few people did come! I think we only had about 4 people sign up on our email sheet for more information on what we do next, but hey, that's 4 people!
The really cool part about it all is that the whole time I felt like we were living in Bible times. We went out on the streets 2x2 and looked for people to tell about our event. We had a meal together. We fed some people who probably don't get a lot of food. We encouraged some struggling people and built relationships. We modeled our faith for the people we are leading week by week. It was pretty awesome. I told DH that if Jesus were on earth today, this is the kind of thing I think He would be doing. And that, for me, says it all.
(And, P.S., I ended up talking to J and she responded soooo graciously and thoughtfully. I know I can go to her with anything and she is super-sensitive not to rub this in my face. I feel slightly ashamed of how I feel, but I can't help it. I'm totally happy for them... it just makes me sad for us too)
So... this week was the BBQ. We had no idea how many people to expect and planned for 50-80 (I pushed DH to do more than we should have, just in case), but had about 35 people show up (including the Bible group). I don't think anyone from the market days actually came, no that's not quite true. A bunch of kids (the lost boys we called them) who were next to us at the market (mom was selling hotdogs) came out. The rest of the people were either from the Community Church, or knew someone from the church. We even went around the streets inviting whoever we saw to come out. And actually, a few people did come! I think we only had about 4 people sign up on our email sheet for more information on what we do next, but hey, that's 4 people!
The really cool part about it all is that the whole time I felt like we were living in Bible times. We went out on the streets 2x2 and looked for people to tell about our event. We had a meal together. We fed some people who probably don't get a lot of food. We encouraged some struggling people and built relationships. We modeled our faith for the people we are leading week by week. It was pretty awesome. I told DH that if Jesus were on earth today, this is the kind of thing I think He would be doing. And that, for me, says it all.
(And, P.S., I ended up talking to J and she responded soooo graciously and thoughtfully. I know I can go to her with anything and she is super-sensitive not to rub this in my face. I feel slightly ashamed of how I feel, but I can't help it. I'm totally happy for them... it just makes me sad for us too)
Wednesday, May 18, 2011
Let it go...
I don’t know why, but I can’t seem to let thing go this week. Everywhere I turn, I see someone pregnant or with a new baby and it is tearing away at me. I feel so angry. I feel hurt. I feel bitter. I feel like I wouldn’t even be happy if it did happen because of all the buildup of negative feelings about it, or like I would be ashamed of all these feelings that I currently have.
I decided today that it would be a good idea to buy J & P a baby gift. I have hardly even talked to them since they told us and I am starting to feel a bit guilty. It’s not just guilt. In the past, I would have gladly rushed out to buy a little baby present for someone close. This time it just seems so hard to do. I don’t know why. Maybe it’s since my brother and his wife had their baby almost a month ago. Suddenly it feels so real that we DON’T have a baby. Maybe it’s since hubby had his little meltdown about the whole topic and decided to get his act in gear. I don’t know. I’m feeling like I’m ready to try just about anything and pay just about any money (though giving up caffeine, dairy and wheat is a bit hard to swallow) just to make this happen. At the same time, I ask myself, “why?” Why is it that important? Sure, if there was one thing I needed to do to make it happen, I think I would. But because we’re in that elusive “unexplained infertility” category, we don’t actually know if this will help! There are so many girls that are overweight, drink too much caffeine/alcohol, dairy, don’t exercise, don’t eat organic, don’t calculate their cycles… and yet THEY get pregnant. Why must I do all these things I don’t want to do just to make the chance of having a baby happen?
Okay, there’s my rant for now. I decided that this blog should be more about other things too, and not just my moaning and groaning. Though I do think I find this kind of therapeutic and I “hope” that once these words are typed out on the screen here, I am able to let them go…
I’m not one of those fancy photo bloggers (yet), so mere words and descriptions of my life will have to do. I’d love to be better at photography and capture the moments I find so precious on my camera, but that will have to wait for another day. We’ve been working on establishing a garden in our yard. Well, rather, we got rid of the sterilized white and grey rocks that the previous owners had covered all over the garden and are slowly making the place look alive and green again. I feel quite successful in what we have done. Last fall my mom and I shoveled away ALL the rocks and turned over the soil. In doing so, we discovered layers of old shag carpet (likely from the house at one point) that they had laid just under the soil to stop weeds from growing through. Yuck! We got rid of that and replaced the soil with fresh compost and mulch for the winter. Oh, not before planting in a few bulbs that would hopefully come up in spring! This year I started with some small transplants from my mom and other cheap plants to cover things up. And finally just this last week I purchased some shrubs to bring some depth and color to the garden. It’s still a work in progress and needs some time to grow into itself, but I am much happier with how it is now. Maybe I’ll get adventurous and try to take some photos to post here later on. It is supposed to be a nice sunny long weekend.
I decided today that it would be a good idea to buy J & P a baby gift. I have hardly even talked to them since they told us and I am starting to feel a bit guilty. It’s not just guilt. In the past, I would have gladly rushed out to buy a little baby present for someone close. This time it just seems so hard to do. I don’t know why. Maybe it’s since my brother and his wife had their baby almost a month ago. Suddenly it feels so real that we DON’T have a baby. Maybe it’s since hubby had his little meltdown about the whole topic and decided to get his act in gear. I don’t know. I’m feeling like I’m ready to try just about anything and pay just about any money (though giving up caffeine, dairy and wheat is a bit hard to swallow) just to make this happen. At the same time, I ask myself, “why?” Why is it that important? Sure, if there was one thing I needed to do to make it happen, I think I would. But because we’re in that elusive “unexplained infertility” category, we don’t actually know if this will help! There are so many girls that are overweight, drink too much caffeine/alcohol, dairy, don’t exercise, don’t eat organic, don’t calculate their cycles… and yet THEY get pregnant. Why must I do all these things I don’t want to do just to make the chance of having a baby happen?
Okay, there’s my rant for now. I decided that this blog should be more about other things too, and not just my moaning and groaning. Though I do think I find this kind of therapeutic and I “hope” that once these words are typed out on the screen here, I am able to let them go…
I’m not one of those fancy photo bloggers (yet), so mere words and descriptions of my life will have to do. I’d love to be better at photography and capture the moments I find so precious on my camera, but that will have to wait for another day. We’ve been working on establishing a garden in our yard. Well, rather, we got rid of the sterilized white and grey rocks that the previous owners had covered all over the garden and are slowly making the place look alive and green again. I feel quite successful in what we have done. Last fall my mom and I shoveled away ALL the rocks and turned over the soil. In doing so, we discovered layers of old shag carpet (likely from the house at one point) that they had laid just under the soil to stop weeds from growing through. Yuck! We got rid of that and replaced the soil with fresh compost and mulch for the winter. Oh, not before planting in a few bulbs that would hopefully come up in spring! This year I started with some small transplants from my mom and other cheap plants to cover things up. And finally just this last week I purchased some shrubs to bring some depth and color to the garden. It’s still a work in progress and needs some time to grow into itself, but I am much happier with how it is now. Maybe I’ll get adventurous and try to take some photos to post here later on. It is supposed to be a nice sunny long weekend.
Tuesday, May 17, 2011
Desperate housewife
I have no idea why, but I literally fall apart when my husband goes away. It doesn't matter if it's for one night, or 20, but as soon as he is gone, I completely crumble. I get lonely, I think of worst case scenarios, I analyze every aspect of my life, and I busy myself up immediately to get over the bad feelings - all within an hour of being home alone. It's so weird because I honestly love and crave time alone. I'm an introvert and there is nothing I love more than to have the house to myself in the middle of the day to get some things done and spend time alone. But once I know that he is out of the city and I have to sleep all by myself in the bed... I can't handle it.
Today DH went away for a couple nights to district conference in Vancouver. And so, I got to thinking. I'll preface this by saying that though my thoughts are extreme during emotionally vulnerable times like these, they are still legitimate thoughts.
I'm still having trouble swallowing this "friend having a baby" situation. I know that I have no choice but to accept it, but I am slow in coming around. DH talked with P last week and told him about our struggle and how we are having a bit of a hard time, yet fully want to support them. But I haven't been able to talk to J yet. The timing just hasn't come up, and I don't even know what I would say. It's just a conversation that I don't want to have. Also this week I have been sick with a terrible cold (sore throat). I also went to my naturopathic doctor and just feel discouraged all over. My weight isn't where I want it to be, my hormones seem to be all over the place and inconsistent, I'm having these heart palpitations, my ferritin is extremely low, which isn't helping my energy - and yet I feel like I have been trying harder than EVER before to get things in order. So discouraging! My doctor said not to worry and that I am doing everything right and that there is still no reason as to why we shouldn't have a baby... so keep trying. And we'll start up with more acupuncture and chinese herbs. Fine...
But I got to thinking tonight about my motivation in general these days. I feel like I have no drive. And as I thought about it more, I realized that I really don't know what I am living for. I don't mean that in a morbid, "I have nothing to live for" kind of way. But I mean that there is nothing driving me forward right now. In all honesty (as snobby as this sounds), I feel like we(and I) have achieved so much of what we/I wanted to achieve. I guess that when I was little, my dreams/thoughts didn't get much further past this point in my life. I graduated high school, I have a college degree and now almost a Master's too (which wasn't planned or expected at all), I am married, we own a beautiful house... with a garden in the works, we had a puppy, we both have jobs/careers, we've travelled, and we're doing church ministry. What more could I want? The only single thing missing from that perfect life is a baby. I've accomplished all the other check points on my list, and now I'm left without the one thing that I was planning on to help me create a whole new list of check points in my life.
I kind of feel like I am trying to recreate the life that I lived and loved as a kid. I guess I value my mom and all that she taught/showed me so much, that I want to pass that on and live it again... though for who, I don't know. I've already lived it once so I don't know why I'm trying to get back there again. And I don't know how to create new dreams in my life... I can't at all picture life without a baby and a family. So what do I do now???
Today DH went away for a couple nights to district conference in Vancouver. And so, I got to thinking. I'll preface this by saying that though my thoughts are extreme during emotionally vulnerable times like these, they are still legitimate thoughts.
I'm still having trouble swallowing this "friend having a baby" situation. I know that I have no choice but to accept it, but I am slow in coming around. DH talked with P last week and told him about our struggle and how we are having a bit of a hard time, yet fully want to support them. But I haven't been able to talk to J yet. The timing just hasn't come up, and I don't even know what I would say. It's just a conversation that I don't want to have. Also this week I have been sick with a terrible cold (sore throat). I also went to my naturopathic doctor and just feel discouraged all over. My weight isn't where I want it to be, my hormones seem to be all over the place and inconsistent, I'm having these heart palpitations, my ferritin is extremely low, which isn't helping my energy - and yet I feel like I have been trying harder than EVER before to get things in order. So discouraging! My doctor said not to worry and that I am doing everything right and that there is still no reason as to why we shouldn't have a baby... so keep trying. And we'll start up with more acupuncture and chinese herbs. Fine...
But I got to thinking tonight about my motivation in general these days. I feel like I have no drive. And as I thought about it more, I realized that I really don't know what I am living for. I don't mean that in a morbid, "I have nothing to live for" kind of way. But I mean that there is nothing driving me forward right now. In all honesty (as snobby as this sounds), I feel like we(and I) have achieved so much of what we/I wanted to achieve. I guess that when I was little, my dreams/thoughts didn't get much further past this point in my life. I graduated high school, I have a college degree and now almost a Master's too (which wasn't planned or expected at all), I am married, we own a beautiful house... with a garden in the works, we had a puppy, we both have jobs/careers, we've travelled, and we're doing church ministry. What more could I want? The only single thing missing from that perfect life is a baby. I've accomplished all the other check points on my list, and now I'm left without the one thing that I was planning on to help me create a whole new list of check points in my life.
I kind of feel like I am trying to recreate the life that I lived and loved as a kid. I guess I value my mom and all that she taught/showed me so much, that I want to pass that on and live it again... though for who, I don't know. I've already lived it once so I don't know why I'm trying to get back there again. And I don't know how to create new dreams in my life... I can't at all picture life without a baby and a family. So what do I do now???
Tuesday, May 10, 2011
Life goes on...
Remember that old show, "Life Goes On"? I don't really. But I remember the ridiculous theme song: "Obladi, Obladah, life goes on, ooooohhh...." Well they had one thing right - life does go on, even after turning 30.
My birthday ended up being really good. We just had some close friends/family over for dinner (tacos, the standard birthday meal) and then a bunch of people joined in for cupcakes for dessert (baked by Daniel!). It was fun and I felt special and loved and spoiled (tons of flowers and pretty little gifts). And then, 10 days later, DH and I headed off to New York City. That was a great adventure too, though I was really glad when it was over and I could come back home and get into real life again. I honestly really like my life here. Yes, I feel it is lacking in one vitally important way, but there is nothing in my life that I wish was not there. And that's pretty big. So, life just kept going and I made the transition to being 30 with not much changing.
And then this past weekend was Mother's Day. I remember last year being hard because they passed out flowers or something at church and made the focus all about mothers. Actually, all the girls got flowers, so it wasn't that I was actually left out. I just felt really bitter about the day and didn't want to celebrate at all. So, for this year I was already not looking forward to it. Then my dad asked my mom and I to share on "Stewarding your Womanhood" at church. And we said yes. I prepared a talk and it went fine. I think I only had one meltdown in the days leading up to it, but overall I remained strong.
And then...
Well let me back up a bit. Actually, before Bible group on Sunday night, I felt this huge urge just to make sure I spent some time with the Lord in prayer and reading my Bible. And I had a bit of a cry then and really felt heavy-hearted. I prayed for strength because somehow I felt I would need it to make it through the night.
So we have some great friends that live just down the road, P & J. We actually know them from when we lived in Kelowna and DH went to the same high school as P (who is younger). They moved here literally 2 weeks after us, and we have been inseparable couples ever since. They have by far been our best friends here and they have made our lives here so fun and meaningful. Like us, they are young, in love, and WITHOUT KIDS. Now, you probably know where this is going, hey?
For the past few months, I have had the dread growing that they may decide to have kids soon. It's not that I don't want them to have kids... it's just that I really feel the friendship will change and right now I feel like I just NEED a couple like them in our lives. Most of our other friends are single, or married with kids (okay, there are maybe 2 other couples without kids but we just aren't as close with them).
And so, when they came early on Sunday night to break the news to us...it was a bit devastating. I responded so graciously and excitedly for them (and I was excited, it wasn't a lie). I knew the time was coming and I had even suspected it a few times already (and quickly pushed the thought from my mind). But now it's real.
I slipped away for a few minutes before study began and actually had a real cry and emailed my best friend (who responded SOOOOO perfectly with exactly the right words I needed to hear). But then I dragged myself upstairs, put on a brave face, and made my way through the night.
Now what do I do? It's been two days and I haven't said a word to them (been very busy working and it's not like we talk every day). I know that things will just keep on as normal. I just don't think I can be the friend who wants to know all the details of the evolving pregnancy. But I do want to be that friend - I just want to be a part of it all. I want to be pregnant at the same time. I want to go through it with a close friend, not watching a close friend. I know that I'll just have to keep on going as if things are normal. And things are normal. I'm not bitter. I am excited for them. I just feel so dichotomous. I don't want to hide my feelings from them, nor do I feel like I have to. I just don't feel it's right or necessary to drag up my true feelings to them. So in those moments I'll be the happy, excited me. And when I'm alone, I'll be the sad, disappointed, questioning, given-up-hope me.
I'm not even sure what my point is here. This is not a "woe is me" post at all. I just don't know how to process or accept what I am feeling right now. I guess I really feel like I have two identities lobbying for my attention. They are polar opposites, and yet they co-exist.
I wish... but I don't even know what I wish for anymore.
And so, I just keep on letting life go on.
My birthday ended up being really good. We just had some close friends/family over for dinner (tacos, the standard birthday meal) and then a bunch of people joined in for cupcakes for dessert (baked by Daniel!). It was fun and I felt special and loved and spoiled (tons of flowers and pretty little gifts). And then, 10 days later, DH and I headed off to New York City. That was a great adventure too, though I was really glad when it was over and I could come back home and get into real life again. I honestly really like my life here. Yes, I feel it is lacking in one vitally important way, but there is nothing in my life that I wish was not there. And that's pretty big. So, life just kept going and I made the transition to being 30 with not much changing.
And then this past weekend was Mother's Day. I remember last year being hard because they passed out flowers or something at church and made the focus all about mothers. Actually, all the girls got flowers, so it wasn't that I was actually left out. I just felt really bitter about the day and didn't want to celebrate at all. So, for this year I was already not looking forward to it. Then my dad asked my mom and I to share on "Stewarding your Womanhood" at church. And we said yes. I prepared a talk and it went fine. I think I only had one meltdown in the days leading up to it, but overall I remained strong.
And then...
Well let me back up a bit. Actually, before Bible group on Sunday night, I felt this huge urge just to make sure I spent some time with the Lord in prayer and reading my Bible. And I had a bit of a cry then and really felt heavy-hearted. I prayed for strength because somehow I felt I would need it to make it through the night.
So we have some great friends that live just down the road, P & J. We actually know them from when we lived in Kelowna and DH went to the same high school as P (who is younger). They moved here literally 2 weeks after us, and we have been inseparable couples ever since. They have by far been our best friends here and they have made our lives here so fun and meaningful. Like us, they are young, in love, and WITHOUT KIDS. Now, you probably know where this is going, hey?
For the past few months, I have had the dread growing that they may decide to have kids soon. It's not that I don't want them to have kids... it's just that I really feel the friendship will change and right now I feel like I just NEED a couple like them in our lives. Most of our other friends are single, or married with kids (okay, there are maybe 2 other couples without kids but we just aren't as close with them).
And so, when they came early on Sunday night to break the news to us...it was a bit devastating. I responded so graciously and excitedly for them (and I was excited, it wasn't a lie). I knew the time was coming and I had even suspected it a few times already (and quickly pushed the thought from my mind). But now it's real.
I slipped away for a few minutes before study began and actually had a real cry and emailed my best friend (who responded SOOOOO perfectly with exactly the right words I needed to hear). But then I dragged myself upstairs, put on a brave face, and made my way through the night.
Now what do I do? It's been two days and I haven't said a word to them (been very busy working and it's not like we talk every day). I know that things will just keep on as normal. I just don't think I can be the friend who wants to know all the details of the evolving pregnancy. But I do want to be that friend - I just want to be a part of it all. I want to be pregnant at the same time. I want to go through it with a close friend, not watching a close friend. I know that I'll just have to keep on going as if things are normal. And things are normal. I'm not bitter. I am excited for them. I just feel so dichotomous. I don't want to hide my feelings from them, nor do I feel like I have to. I just don't feel it's right or necessary to drag up my true feelings to them. So in those moments I'll be the happy, excited me. And when I'm alone, I'll be the sad, disappointed, questioning, given-up-hope me.
I'm not even sure what my point is here. This is not a "woe is me" post at all. I just don't know how to process or accept what I am feeling right now. I guess I really feel like I have two identities lobbying for my attention. They are polar opposites, and yet they co-exist.
I wish... but I don't even know what I wish for anymore.
And so, I just keep on letting life go on.
Tuesday, March 29, 2011
Countdown is on.
Sorry for the suspense since my last post. I got "it" the next day and didn't have the heart to respond. It was a full week late, which has never happened in my memory. It sucked. And it meant that I definitely will not be pregnant before I turn 30 - which is tomorrow (and that was a big deal for me). Not only have I been freaking out about the upcoming event, but that same day I got my period was the day of the big earthquake/tsunami in Japan. And ever since then there has been a nuclear crisis growing. It's been an intense few weeks, and I have had so much mulling around in my mind, but have found it hard to put into words. I still don't feel like I can describe how I am feeling. It has shaken me up and I am questioning everything and feeling hopeless, but without much choice but to move on. And now it's the eve of my 30th birthday.
I feel numb. I don't want my birthday to come. But since I know it has to come, I want it to be fantastically special, and I don't think it will. I went to Vancouver on the weekend to spend time with my girlfriends. It was a great day and I felt special and loved and we even had a great talk over coffee about everything that is going on. But it didn't fix anything. And I know that we are going to New York in a few weeks and that is to be my big birthday celebration. I know I'll be excited for it when it comes. But I just have a hard time finding joy "in the moment" these days. Even when I am happy and smiling, I have a sadness in my soul that will not go away. I don't know how to make it go away.
So we've planned a dinner/dessert even for tomorrow night. On one hand I want it to happen because I do want to feel special on such an important day (I'm really into celebrating the significance of days, and having this birthday be my 30th birthday on the 30th of March is significant!). On the other hand, I don't even want people to know it is my birthday and that I am turning 30. I am not at peace with it. Why, then, would I want to celebrate with people?
I suppose I'll just suck it up and make it through the day. Nothing outward will really have changed. It's just an ever-growing crisis of faith and identity growing within soul... And the countdown is on.
I feel numb. I don't want my birthday to come. But since I know it has to come, I want it to be fantastically special, and I don't think it will. I went to Vancouver on the weekend to spend time with my girlfriends. It was a great day and I felt special and loved and we even had a great talk over coffee about everything that is going on. But it didn't fix anything. And I know that we are going to New York in a few weeks and that is to be my big birthday celebration. I know I'll be excited for it when it comes. But I just have a hard time finding joy "in the moment" these days. Even when I am happy and smiling, I have a sadness in my soul that will not go away. I don't know how to make it go away.
So we've planned a dinner/dessert even for tomorrow night. On one hand I want it to happen because I do want to feel special on such an important day (I'm really into celebrating the significance of days, and having this birthday be my 30th birthday on the 30th of March is significant!). On the other hand, I don't even want people to know it is my birthday and that I am turning 30. I am not at peace with it. Why, then, would I want to celebrate with people?
I suppose I'll just suck it up and make it through the day. Nothing outward will really have changed. It's just an ever-growing crisis of faith and identity growing within soul... And the countdown is on.
Thursday, March 10, 2011
The Joy is in the Journey
"The Joy is in the journey." That is a phrase my mom used to say that her father taught her. Basically it means that the destination is not always the main point of the journey; sometimes we are required to find joy without having reached our anticipated destination. I have tried to hold true to this phrase, but found it exceedingly hard considering the circumstances. I still trust in God. I still worship God. I see God as the maker of all things, as all-powerful, all knowing, and as in charge of all of life. I see Him as the creator. I see him as the King. But this does not mean that I can always put on a "happy face" and pretend my troubles don't exist. I think the Church has done too much of that throughout the past 100 years, which is why we are often seen as hypocrites. On the other hand, I don't think it is right to bemoan our sad state - why would anyone want to come follow Jesus if his followers were a bunch of whiny, mopey Debbie-downers. I just don't know what it means to find joy in my journey right now. I am trying. Oh am I trying so hard! Still, the feelings of hopelessness and discouragement have come. I feel like if I just spent enough time reading my Bible, or listening to worship music, or praying, they would magically go away. But I don't think that is the point. I'm not sure what this journey has to teach me. I am trying to be open.
All God's testings have a purpose - Someday you will see the light;
All He asks is that you trust him, Walk by faith and not by sight. (Zoller)
And still no period to show for anything... though I was up in the night with achey muscles, sore throat and a headache - feeling like I would definitely get "it" in the morning. But, I did not. So now we play the waiting game. I'll try another pregnancy test on the weekend if it doesn't come by then (today is day 34 so we'll give it at least a week of being late). And then I'll plan a doctor's appointment for next week. The waiting part seriously sucks, but I'm trying to live life as "normal" until we know otherwise.
All God's testings have a purpose - Someday you will see the light;
All He asks is that you trust him, Walk by faith and not by sight. (Zoller)
And still no period to show for anything... though I was up in the night with achey muscles, sore throat and a headache - feeling like I would definitely get "it" in the morning. But, I did not. So now we play the waiting game. I'll try another pregnancy test on the weekend if it doesn't come by then (today is day 34 so we'll give it at least a week of being late). And then I'll plan a doctor's appointment for next week. The waiting part seriously sucks, but I'm trying to live life as "normal" until we know otherwise.
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