End of week.

Blah!  It's the end of my work week at my one job and I am done like dinner.  This week was just really exhausting.  It probably has to do with the fact that DH has been really sick (like fever over 100) since Monday and I have been doing EVERYTHING (morning walk with dog, working, evening walk with dog, making dinner, doing dishes, etc.).  It's not actually been so bad and today we took the dog to puppy care so I wouldn't have to take her, but still I am tired.

I had a week of questioning myself about my job too.  Not that I can't do it, but I wondered if what I was doing was actually helping my clients.  All in all, I am tired today.  Luckily my "week" is pretty much over.  Tomorrow afternoon I am attending a group that I am going to help lead but otherwise, I am free.  I'm pretty lucky to work a short week.  I think my job is pretty emotionally draining and I don't think I could do it more than 4 days right now.

Otherwise, I am just waiting, waiting, waiting for AF to show up so that we can carry on with things.  I still am a week away but I hoped she would come early and get on with it.  J is still waiting for her baby.  Another girl I know is in the hospital right now and they think she is going into labour, but she is only 30 weeks.  All around me people are getting pregnant and being parents, even those who shouldn't...  I just don't get it sometimes.  Why not us?  What do we have to do to prove ourselves?  Why God?  Why?

I know I'm just tired and will feel better tomorrow.

Hi!

Hi!  I haven't posted for a few days because I really have nothing to say. :)

I found over this past week I have found that I have not had to rely so much on blogging and reading blogs in order to feel better.  Things are just feeling lighter.  I guess I was finding that sometimes entering into the blog world actually made me feel worse because I focused more on the problem.  But right now I am feeling good and able to catch up on some reading and still feel good about it. 

I'm just waiting for this cycle to finish so that we can start our first IUI cycle.  I'm 4 days into the gluten-free challenge and doing alright.  Last night I was super hungry and made popcorn as a snack.  Otherwise, I don't notice much different except that it's a lot of work not to grab convenient pre-made snacks.  I'm making everything from scratch and that takes a lot of time.  Dinners are pretty easy, and I am doing okay for breakfasts with brown rice porridge or eggs with kale.  It is lunches that are super hard.  I made a nice sweet potato/black bean stew, but it only kept for a few days.  Now it's almost mid-week and I'm back to square one.  Oh well.  I don't feel any different yet, but I know it will take a while for my body to adjust.  I don't even know if I will feel anything or not.  I've started going to the gym regularly (trying for 3x/week, so far twice this week), as well as a daily walk with the dog.  Ooh, and today I signed up for a power yoga class.  I did it last year and the instructor was just fabulous.  Plus, it's at the aquatic center and at the end of the class you can use the pool/sauna/hottub for free.  You leave just feeling cleansed, drained, and wonderful!  I'm pretty excited (it starts tonight), though I wish I had a friend to do it with me.  Last year J did it with me, but right now she is waiting for the imminent arrival of her baby (today is the due date).  I am feeling like I don't have any/many friends to just get up and go do something with.  I rely only on DH and he is busy, stressed and currently sick.  With P&J about to have their baby, I'm at a serious lack of people to hang out with!

Feeling fresh

So when I went outside today I noticed something funny in the garden...

Daffodil bulbs were poking up out from the ground!  Didn't it just turn January?!?  It is true that here on the west coast we have had a warm winter.  But still! 

I have had a really nice day at home.  I cleaned the kitchen (including organizing the cupboards and drawers) and all the floors.  I moved our computer area around in the living room.  I feel fresh.  I want to add some new decorations, some colour to our living area.  I like feeling inspiration again.  I had lunch and I'm sipping on an americano listening to vinyl.  It is a nice day.  I'm going for a walk with a friend later and then tonight we're double-dating for dinner with our friends P&J.  It may be the last chance they can get out with us, as her baby is due on Tuesday! 

Oh, and I received a special parcel in the mail today!  I was a winner for one of the spots on the Creme de la Creme list and as a prize Jen over at Here We Go Again sent me 2 pairs of baby legs she made.  They are so cute.  One is a newborn size and is just grey.  The other one is an all-size and is blue with greeny/yellow flower stems going up the legs.  So great!  Thanks so much Jen!  I was going to give these to my friend J but decided I'll hold onto them as a symbol of hope that one day I'll be able to use them myself.  I just love the look of babies with baggy britches and chubby little baby legs!

Hope arises

I'm feeling very hopeful today.  I'm not sure why.  As I walked the dog before sunrise, and drove to work I was filled with a sense of peace and calm.  I felt happy again.  I even felt optimistic about having a baby... or enjoying life even if we don't have a baby right away.  I know we'll have a family some day.  For now, I want to be able to enjoy life as it is.  And today I did.

I don't expect that this will last, and I know I'll have "down" moments, but today I treasured this feeling.

Things at work are going really well.  As a counsellor in a small town, it can be hard to get "in" to the industry.  Somehow, through divine intervention (that's all I can figure out), I am having amazing opportunities.  Did I mention that I was hired to work one partial day a week at the place where I completed my practicum?  This will open up the door for me to do my own private counselling through an already existing agency.  It is incredible!  My colleague seems to think that the girl I'm covering maternity leave for won't come back either, so my current job might carry on.  And I am really loving it.  Sure, I feel overwhelmed and unprepared sometimes, but I think I'm doing an okay job for starting out.  It's really hard to measure.  But even yesterday I had a teenage client come in, who was suicidal when I first met her, and share her plans to go to college and get a degree and she was all filled with hope.  It was incredible.

I don't want to be too superstitious or anything like that... but when I was back in college I thought I never wanted to get married and I thought I didn't want to have kids.  I believed that there were so many hurting, lonely people in the world and I wanted to "parent" them.  I actually dreamed about working with girls who had been sexually exploited and showing them love and acceptance.  While my dream didn't pan out exactly how I thought it would.... I am now working with girls who have been sexually assaulted and abused and hurt.

When I decided I wanted kids, I always wanted to have little boys.  There's something about little boys that I just love, especially the pre-teen age.  I don't know what it is, but I love the little boy mind.  Recently I watched Peter Pan and my heart was warmed by the little lost boys in Neverneverland.  In the past month, my client load has shifted and I am seeing SO MANY young pre-teen boys.  Sure, they have issues... but they are mine to care for, to help, to build relationship with.  This "dream" has come true in its own way.

I don't know what this all means... and maybe it's just my own rambling, but somehow it brings me hope.  As much as I really want a baby, I'm not a "kid" person.  I'm never the one playing with the kids at get-togethers, I don't just take people's babies to hold, I don't know how to interact with kids in most settings.  Sometimes the thought of having a little person around freaks me out!  A baby seems easy because you just have to take care of its needs, but once it can talk and play, I have no idea what I'd do!  However, we want a family.  It may not look the way I wish it would... but I feel hopeful that it will happen.

Ain't that cute?

Okay, I just had to share a cute story.  This evening my husband and I were having a "discussion" about our finances.  Actually, since we came home from work there was a bit of tension in the air (long story, he wanted to buy another pair of boots - he has like 5 - that were on sale for $160... we are in debt payment mode and I said he didn't need them).  The tension was not loud, but we were just being very civil to one another and not wasting words.  So, after dinner we go to the living room to "talk."  It wasn't even a loud/shouting kind of fight.  As we started at it, I saw our dog go to our bedroom.  Normally at night she now creeps in there and jumps on the bed when we're not looking, so I assumed she had done so.  Anyways, back to our conversation, we really didn't fight but it was obvious that neither of us was happy with the other.  Finally we resolve things (for now) and leave the living room.  DH goes to the bedroom to get something, comes out and then asks where Kaya is.  I said I thought she was on the bed.  We go to the bedroom and see this little head peeking out from under the bed, with an expression that clearly says, "Is it safe to come out now????"  She is SOOOOO sensitive!  She came out with her head down and tail tucked between her legs and we had to literally pour affection out to her before she was back to her normal self.  It was the cutest thing I have ever seen!!!  She didn't want us to fight.  How do dogs know?  We had a previous dog who, as a puppy, came and stood between DH and me one time when had raised his voice at me.  He basically was telling DH that he was going to defend me at all costs.  Sometimes I just love animals!

By the way, is it just me or have so many bloggers achieved newly pregnant status lately?  Almost every blog I turn to is BFP all of a sudden.  And, surprisingly, they all leave me so hopeful!  If they can do it, so can we!  I was a magazine cover while buying groceries today and the caption read, "This is Your Year."  I know it's so cliche, and I don't believe in signs like that, but I don't care.  Right now, I'll take it!

Blech!

I've been home sick with the flu for the past two days.  It sucks because I was really looking forward to getting into the swing of things...work, exercise, healthy eating.  Now I've been on the couch for two days eating crackers and gingerale.  Is a body capable of making a baby while it's fighting off an infection?  Hypothetically speaking that is...

I'm really thinking I want to try a 30-day gluten free diet.  I just feel like I don't feel well quite often, and it is usually my stomach that is out of sorts.  I think it's worth a shot.  Also, there seems to be a little bit of a link between gluten intolerance and infertility.  It's hard to find a ton of information about it and I'm not even sure it would apply to me but at this point, I'll try anything!  I'm going to do some research and hopefully by the time I'm feeling better I can get started.

Anyways, I'm curious as to how many bloggers are from Canada.  I don't usually think about where other bloggers are from, but I'm curious if there are others in my part of the world around.  Mainly because I'm curious about the treatments that others are going through and how my experience compares to theirs.  That's about it. 

I hope I can be back at work tomorrow.  I think I'll just get depressed otherwise :)

The Year for US!

Happy New Year!  I have been meaning to post for the last day and a half, but I really don't feel like I have much to say (now watch as I ramble on and on...).  Our New Year's celebration was pretty low key.  We had a few friends over and one couple that stayed till midnight (as we were falling asleep on the couches by the fire with a movie on).  I was not so excited about the changing of the year.  On one hand, I am glad 2011 is over with.  I can't pinpoint exactly why, but 2011 may have been the hardest year for me in my life so far.  The year itself had a lot of fun moments as we really got settled in our new home and community.  But the struggle with IF really took its toll.  I think I really expected this to be the year we would have a child.  We came into the year with all the preliminary work and tests being done.  We met with our first RE and went to our first fertility clinic.  We even had our first IUI scheduled.  I turned 30.  I really, really, really hoped that by the end of this year I would at least be pregnant.  This is the first year that the passing of the year was significant in that way for me.  Other years have passed and my thought has been, "Oh well, it will happen next year..."  With all the effort and work we put in this year, it was hard to watch the year slip by while we were, ultimately, in the same place we started.  We went through some very low times and I think IF took its biggest toll on our marriage this year.  Still, we came out together and ended on a high note together. 

I hope 2012 is the year for us.  I know that everyone struggling with IF says that.  I am encouraged through reading blogs because most of the people that I follow have eventually found a way to have a child, specifically those with unexplained infertility like us.  If we had a known condition and it was very rare that we would ever conceive, I would have pursued adoption already by this point.  But the hope is still there.  People with IF get pregnant ALL THE TIME.  Sure, it may have to be assisted, but that's okay with me (well it's not really okay, but I'll make it be okay).

We are on our way to a healthier, happier year and for that I am glad.  DH actually preached about waiting on God's timing yesterday.  I cringe slightly when people say that because the people who usually say that are those who haven't had to significantly "wait" for something.  They say it in this spiritual voice, but they really have no idea what it means to actually wait for something.  I don't get God's timing.  I don't know why some people have babies so easily and others don't.  This is the part of God that I really don't get.  I do want to trust.  Sometimes it just seems so silly.

Anyways, to those of you who follow as IF friends, I wish you the very best 2012 and the fulfillment of all your heart's dreams.  I am excited for one of my first friends SLESE over at Mommyhood After Fertility Frustration with the birth of her miracle baby.  And to those of us who wait... let us wait with dignity and grace and may this be the year for us!

P.S. I was featured on the Creme de la Creme list of blogs over at Stirrup Queens blog.  Check it out here.