The spaces between

This is an honest post about loneliness, depression, anxiety, and change.  I thought that maybe writing about how I am feeling would help me put words to some of the things I am having a hard time describing.

Lately, I feel like I'm in a bit of a funk.  I know that I just shared in my last post about how happy I am in life...and it is true!  I wasn't lying.  But I was describing my life with my boys.  This post is about the rest of my life.  Anyways, I'll explain more as I go.  Here goes:

I'll start off by first of all saying that this is not related at all to parenting.  I LOVE being a mom. I love my boys and I am 100% fulfilled in taking care of them.  Hooray!  So that is good.  In some ways I feel like I have a delayed form of PPD, but it's not necessarily depression.  There is some anxiety.  And some just blues.

I'm not really sure where the discontent is coming from.  Actually, in some ways it feels like all the areas of my life apart from being a mom are in a funk. Socially: I don't really have friends (at least who live by me), apart from the moms that I have become dependent upon to keep me going.  Ministry (church): I'm not interested in any of the church activities or work that we are a part of right now.  I usually avoid events or just spend my time with the boys.  Work: I am dreading going back to work.  I know it will be "good" for me, and that we need to financially...but I just don't want to (insert temper tantrum face here!).  Community: I am looking for ways to get more involved with moms and babies, as this is the area I feel most comfortable in, but most things are shut down for the summer.  Romantic: DH and I are co-existing right now.  We try to be lovey-dovey, but we just don't have the energy and all our time is spent with the boys.  I feel a bit disconnected, though I know we are both trying to keep our relationship a priority.  Physically: I have not been getting as much sleep lately, and I know this is affecting my moods.  Also I don't have as much energy as I'd like to exercise and so I've hit a bit of a slump, which is also depressing.

Overall, I just feel like I have changed so much since going through infertility and then becoming a mom, but the change has not caught up to all the areas of my life.  I know that it was just such a drastic switch from being so independent, to being so depended upon...and it makes me wonder if I lost part of myself in the process.  No, I don't think I lost myself.  I chose to let parts go.  People warned me of becoming isolated after having twins, and it's not that.  I'm not choosing to isolate myself because I feel overwhelmed.  I just don't really want the life I had before.  I feel like I have stepped away on purpose, but I'm not sure where to land my feet now.

I guess am finding my way into this new identity as a mom, but I question whether the way I am going is healthy, or right.  All I care about right now is the mom side of myself.  Is that okay?  Is it normal?  I'm not unhappy.  In fact, most of the time, when I am with my boys, I am so full of joy.  But when those moments pop up where I am not needed or have time to think for myself...I find myself feeling a little bit lost.

Has anyone else been here?

Thanks for letting me share.  I feel like I can put words to what I am feeling now, and hopefully reach out to those who are around me a bit easier.  Please share if you have been in a similar place and have any words of encouragement.

Summer luvin

Guys, can I tell you how much I just LOVE my life right now?

This summer is soooooo much fun!  Seriously.  It is super hard work, and having twin 8-(almost 9) month-olds has kept me busy.  There are moments of monotony and frustration, and frantic effort, but I really am really, really loving my life.  It is soooo different in so many ways, but it is starting to feel like "my" life again.  What "my" life means has changed so much in definition, but I can finally say that I am starting to feel like a normal human being again.

I still don't get a lot of time to myself, and when I do, I barely know what to do with myself.  By the time I get organized and start to do something, my time is up!  So, I usually just putter around the house, looking for ways to get more organized, or nap.  This means, though, that the summer has been super low key.  Just the way it should be!  I finally have moments where I don't feel like I "need" to be doing something.  I can just sit and BE and enjoy the moment.  Of course, this is still mixed with many frantic moments trying to finish so many things in the short time I have, but I love the challenge and it makes those relaxed moments so much more worth it.  

I usually plan one "outing" for the day, whether it be a play date, or a shopping trip, or just a stroll by the ocean.  We have a pretty strict routine, which I love and the babies thrive on.  Lately everyone has commented on how good my boys are!  I think I really am just lucky... and it could all change next week... but for now, I will savour it.

I love providing a clean, healthy, well-functioning home for my family.  All the things I used to like to do for fun (garden, organize, bake, sew), now serve a very specific purpose, and I love it!  Life is not as leisurely as it used to be (hah!), but it is filled with many of the same things, just in different ways.  We are getting braver in taking the boys out.  We went to a restaurant with friends for lunch.  We've gone picnicking.  We took them to the beach, for a hike, to the river, and of course, the pool in the backyard.  We put them down early and have the evening to ourselves to go to the gym, or for a walk, or plunk in front of the TV and zone out (I have a slight addiction to the Walking Dead right now).

Life. Is. Good.

And here are a few pictures to show how great our summer is (babies tell it best...babies without clothes, even better)

Twins 8-9 Month Update

Well, I guess you can tell when twin life gets busy again based on twin mamas start to fall off the blogosphere again.  That and the fact that it's summer means not much time for blogging.  However, I finally did my last month's update decided to lump it together with this month's.  So here is the scoop on the boys' 7 and 8 months of living:

Eat

These months have seen a huge shift in the boys’ eating patterns.  First off, RJ is nursing much better!  Whenever he is put to breast he will eat (unless he is full), but I am still pumping for two bottles and nursing him just for two feeds.  I guess I am still holding onto doubt that he will eat as much as he needs.  Though when it comes to solid food, I don’t have to worry.  This boy loves to eat!  We started Baby-Led Weaning (BLW) and he has eaten everything we give him.  He LOVES food.  Basically he will sit in a highchair as long as we allow him and eat continually until we stop giving him food.  He loves to feed himself.  MJ started a bit slower, but now he eats just as heartily.  The boys have eaten all sorts of foods: bananna, avocado, sweet potato, toast, peach, pear, squash, chicken, beef, pork, lamb...and that’s all just what they have fed themselves.  We also do some pureed food but it is time consuming and BLW works well for us.  We have tried to cut down a milk feed, so now they have 4 main feeds, with a little snack or two of milk and they eat 2-3 solid food meals a day (lunch is usually just a snack).  We haven’t had them weighed since their last set of shots (which in adjusted age was just at the start of 7 months), but RJ weighed about 16 1/2 lbs... and MJ weighed 18 1/2 (bruiser!). We are not worried about them any longer (little porkers).  I really think RJ just likes to do things himself and is much happier eating a variety of foods.  RJ is wearing some 6-9 month clothing, and more 9-12 month, and MJ wears 9-12 or 12-18.  He is huge!  Both are in size 4 diapers.  

Sleep

Sleep has improved so much that we can finally say the boys are sleeping through the night.  Wahoo!  Party time!!!  They still wake occasionally, but they have slept through for many nights.  Sometimes when they do wake they are able to self-settle too.  Teething threw that for a bit of a loop, but all in all they are doing very well.  Naps have settled into a nice routine too.  They go down at 9 for an hour to an hour and a half, and then again at 1:00 for and hour and a half to two hours.  If they haven’t napped well sometimes they will sneak in a third nap, but usually just an early bedtime.  They go to bed between 6:30-7:00pm (which gives us a nice evening to ourselves).  I am soooo glad we used a sleep consultant and developed some great sleep habits right away.  They still use soothers, which we’d like to get rid of, but it’s tough.  

Play

Again, it has been a fun time for play.  These boys are such characters!  I love seeing their personalities develop more and more as time goes on.  At about 8 months they started sitting up on their own, and from there things quickly happened.  MJ has been moving to the crawling position and then back to a sitting position all on his own.  He rocks back and forth in the crawling position but only moved backwards until today (July 13th).  Today MJ officially crawled!  And it was a real crawl.  We were so proud.  RJ is also on the move!  He doesn’t do a traditional crawl, but uses one side of his body to pull himself forward.  He is now just starting to try the crawl position a bit too.  We spend a lot of the day just playing on the floor and the rest of the time it feels like they are eating haha.  We try to get out once a day, either for a walk, or to the park, or to a group.  The boys haven’t really started interacting with other children, but are slowly starting to “play” with one another.  RJ loves to be outdoors looking at trees and MJ seems to like noises like trucks and airplanes.  RJ is still very vocal and knows what he wants and doesn’t want.  He is quite silly and giggles a lot.  He also has become quite the flirt, particularly amongst ladies.  He still is extremely responsive to music and wants to jump and dance and sing.  MJ is less vocal, apart from using the back of his throat for a very guttural sound but sometimes laughs and likes to sing during church.  He is a charmer when he smiles and just has such a sweet disposition.

Events

A HUGE milestone for the boys was finally the development of teeth!  While we were away on holidays, the boys both popped out two each!  And they got their first tooth on the very same day.  Our summer vacation was the biggest event during this period.  We took a trip to Harrison Hot Springs for a friend’s wedding and then carried on to Kelowna for nearly 2 weeks with D’s parents.  The boys did fantastic with all the travel and new scenery.  They slept great in their travel cots, did awesome during the driving, and adapted well to being in a new home.  We tried to keep their schedule pretty consistent and it really worked.  They had a great time with D’s parents (especially his dad).  We also celebrated their first Father’s Day with taking them out to brunch (which was more work than it was worth it with just the two of us handling two babies).   We also took the boys for their first “swim” outdoors, but they just cried at the waves and the cold water in the lake.  We tried a river too, but they just weren’t into it.  I guess we should start with a warm kiddie pool and see how that goes.  We continue to meet with the moms from our preemie group and take the boys to church.  It will be great once they are moving around in the fall and we can take them to more “active” groups of kids.  For now, we’ll sit back and enjoy this summer as much as we can!  

35 weeks out!

As seems to be the way these days, I am late on this... but better late than never.

From this belly full, to these arms full...

35 weeks in...

And 35 weeks out...

My precious family!

8 Months

Oops, I drafted this post a while back and forgot to post it till now.  Here ya go.

The boys are 8 months old now!  I'll have to do a proper update soon, but here are some cute pics for now.

Let me say, we are busy, busy, busy!  As I mentioned previously, starting solids has filled up our schedule and it is go-go-go from 6:30am until they go down to bed (usually around 6:30pm).  The nice thing is.... they have started to sleep through the night!!!!  Well, mostly.  My husband usually stays up till 12 or 1 and he often has to settle them with a soother, and sometimes they wake up around 3 and need a little settling, but otherwise, I am sleeping the night through.  People, this is MONUMENTAL!  I haven't slept that well since pre-pregnancy, I'm sure.  I feel like a new woman!

As they are becoming more independent (in some ways), and dependent in different ways, I am finding it is hard to adjust to having more time.  Well, it's not necessarily that I have more time.  Time has shifted and I find that I have space in my mind to think about things other than the boys, and space to do things other than take care of the boys.  In a way, this makes me sad.  In another way, I am freaked out because I just don't knlw what to do with myself  I am not tbe same person I was 8 months ago  in a way, I am redefining wno I am, what I can do, whatI like to do...and that is a vilnerable place to be.  Its another new phase once again

Anyways, more on this later.  Im heading out on holidays and will catch up once I am back.  Ttyl!

Feeding Machine

Okay mamas, here's a callout for some help.

Just when I thought we had reached a nice stride and things were relatively "easy," things change.  That seems to be the way with twins.  You can never get comfortable for too long. 

We are in the process of dropping the third catnap, moving to two naps a day AND starting solids three times a day.  The boys are still nursing/bottle feeding at LEAST 5x per day (more like 7 most days).  Nursing/pumping/bottle feeding can take 30-45 minutes.  Feeding solids can take 30-60 minutes, depending on how long I let them sitting there feeding themselves.  I haven't done the actual math, but that is a LOT of time spent feeding babies! 

From the friends I have spoken to, they tend to only nurse 4-5x a day since switching over to solids.  Has that been your experience?  I'm excited for this new transition, but nervous too.  There are always hiccups with transitions.  Does anyone have any advice?  What kind of schedule did you have for your babies around 8 months?

As for sleeping, it is going great!!!  I do think we are ready to drop the third nap, since the boys have lately been sleeping so well for the first two naps (on most days - I don't want to say so and jinx it).   The first nap is usually an hour and a half around 9:00.  The second nap is  1 1/2-2 hours, though we have often had to wake them up from this nap to keep them on "schedule" for a third nap.  It may take them a while to adjust and lengthen out these naps even more as we drop the third nap.  On days they don't nap well we can throw that third nap in there, or if we need to be out later into the evening.  The downside is that for a while this will mean early bedtimes (probably 6/6:30).  I remember seeing other moms go through this stage and it sucks (especially in the summer), but eventually it will lengthen out to later.  And once the schedule is established, we should be able to tweak it here and there for special events.

All in all, we have great sleepers and eaters, and the work we have done has paid off!  Now, I just need to figure out how to adjust myself to this new routine (more on that later).

Next Steps

I had a meeting this week with my work colleagues to discuss my back-to-work plan.  We are 7 1/2 months into the 12 month maternity leave I get.  That leaves me 4 1/2 months to go. 

When I went into my meeting, I really had no idea what I was going to say.  I was feeling so mixed about going back to work.  If we didn't have to worry about finances, I would love to stay at home with the boys, especially at this time in their lives.  But finances are a concern.  Also, I spent nearly 7 years of my life working towards a degree, and still have a student loan to payoff, so it seems silly not to actually go back to work.  I had begun to establish myself in the community as a counsellor before I went on bedrest, and I would have to start back at square one if I waited too long.  Plus, I really do have an awesome job lined up.  My colleagues are wonderful.  They want me to be on their team and are helping me become established as a new counsellor.  They are willing to offer me a gradual re-entry to work, and letting me choose my own days/hours and work as much or little as I want at the beginning.  Plus they gave me a substantial pay raise to make it worthwhile for me to work.  It really doesn't get better than that. 

So, I will be returning to work in the fall.  I think it will be good for me.  But in many ways I just don't want to. 

I love this time at home with my boys!  I love our daily routine.  I love being there for every milestone, and every feeding (well mostly), and watching them grow day by day.  I know I won't miss out by being out of the home a few days a week, but still.  This is such a special time and I want to treasure every moment. 

It's going to be a good summer.  I'm so excited to make the most of it.