The Roller Coaster Ride

I think I am still trying to figure out how I feel about this change of events here. When the doctor first broke the news to us, I think I was in shock. I heard what she was saying and agreed, but I also burst into tears. It happened so fast. At first the ultrasound was going great. Babies were fine, cervix measured long... But she couldn't get a good look at the clot. So, she did an internal and that is when she found that the clot had moved into my cervix and dilated it completely!  She showed us but I didn't really comprehend what it meant until she said, "so now I get to tell you the news that you won't like me for." And she told me that I wasn't leaving the hospital and asked if I had packed a hospital bag (at which I laughed because I had packed a small bag at my mom's recommendation).

From there I was wheeled right up to the antepartum unit, admitted, and put into bed.  It was all a whirlwind!  When I started contracting the next morning it just carried on. Finally yesterday I was able to gather my thoughts a bit.

I am so glad I came for this appointment when I did. I even had to advocate for it and push my clinic to call again and again. I'm glad the doctor did an internal check because from the regular ultrasound my cervix looked nice and long. I am glad to feel safe in a hospital that treats preemie twins and not have to worry about having them flown in during a crisis.  I am even happy to have some "restrictions" so that I don't have to make the decisions about what I can and can't do.

What is hard is being away from my home during this time. We are not ready!  I know now why people suggest you have everything ready for twins by 24-28 weeks. We haven't even painted the nursery!  I feel like I am going to come home with two babies to an unorganized house. And its not like I'll have the time to correct it once I get there.  That is hard for me to accept but I don't have a choice. I know it will get hard as it gets more boring being here in the hospital. Its only been 3 full days. I have managed so far but I know it won't be easy.

Then there are the worries about the babies coming too early.  While this is not something I am super worried about, I know that I am naive and unaware of the difficulties it may hold. I am trying not to cross that bridge until I need to, but even as I spoke to the doctor about c-sections it made me cry.

Anyways, this is a rambly post as I wrote it at various point during the day, but it gives a snapshot of where my emotions are at right now. Surprisingly, I am holding it together okay. I don't know how, apart from the prayers of many and the grace of God.

And to end on a good note, I was moved to a private room today!  This will be my new home for the next little while.

28 WEEKS & Third Trimester!

We've made it this far!  We are officially in the home stretch.  And we reached the 28 week milestone where chance of survival for preemies goes up to 90%. I feel so good about that.  Now onto the 30 week goal, and then 32.  I'm giving myself small goals at this point in time. Even now my goal is to make it through the weekend. That is doable, right?

For an update, things are much better today. After I posted things slowed down a lot. I slept in the afternoon and that helped.  By then I was having mild contractions but they were not regular at all. Even at their peak they had only been up to 50 on the chart.  The chart only goes up to 100 but I think in active labour you get up to 150-200.  After 75, you are in the "danger zone."  

So by dinner, they let me eat!  Let me tell you, it was the greatest thing ever.  Actually they first brought in a cheese sandwich and apple juice and I inhaled them like they were the greatest thing on earth haha!

Then I got dinner and was super full after. I was worried that I had eaten too much because I was very bloated. But they gave me a stool softener, and I finally had a BM around midnight.  I was exhausted from all the activity of the day and asleep by 10pm. I woke up through the night a few times but all in all slept through till morning. I did have some backache/cramping overnight and am discharging brown blood but they said not to worry about it now, as long as the contractions don't come back or I don't start bleeding fresh blood. 

So this morning I finally showered and I feel like a new woman!  Just waiting for breakfast now...mmm!  

I hope to write more about the emotional side of this later on when I'm not on the phone. Keep you posted!

Oh, and here's a bump pic (since I can't update my bump page on here) of me in my cute hospital gown. 

Hospital Day 2: Contractions and dry mouth

So I woke up this morning and before I could enjoy my breakfast (which was great and I was starving!) I started having real contractions.  They hooked me up and sure enough they were regular contractions. Not strong but enough they needed to put a stop to them. 

I was given my second steroid shot for the babies lungs, hooked up to an IV for hydration (food and drink off limit) and given a shot of morphine to slow down the contractions. 

It's 3:00 now and I am still being monitored. If things pick up, it could be an emergency c-section today!  Lets really hope not. As long as I stay still and rest, things seem to be under control.  The worst part is the dry, dry mouth!!!  But I just met a new doctor and she brought me a small cup of ice chips. Best part of the day!!!!!

C'mon babies!  Grow, grow, grow (and stay put). 

Here's my shot of the day. First time on IV. 

Admitted!

Just a quick update on my phone until I have "real" Internet.  This is my new view for the unseeable future as I have been admitted to the hospital. Our specialist ultrasound turned into a all-expenses-paid trip to the antenatal ward at the hospital (3 hours away from our home). Babies are fine and healthy BUT this blood clot is wreaking havoc. It has moved to my cervix and has opened my cervix almost completely!  Plus Baby A is placenta previa, so I am super high risk for premature labour at this point.  This is the only hospital on-island that can handle preemie twins so unless things change, I am here to stay.  I am 2 days shy of 28 weeks.   Will update more once I can.  

Thanks for the support!

27 Weeks

Not much has really changed from last week so I thought I'd add some different thoughts on things.

Mood: As mentioned yesterday, meltdowns and anxiety marks this week.  Overall, though, it's really not that bad.

Food: I thought I'd quickly share what a typical day's food looks like for me.  I don't think I've increased or decreased my food intake much throughout this pregnancy.  I was most hungry at the very beginning.  Now I can't eat as much in one sitting, but I eat frequently throughout the day.  So, I think it all works out.

8:00 - Breakfast: Bowl of porridge and piece of toast with peanut butter (On the weekend we often eat later and make a larger brunch of eggs and bacon); Prenatal
10:00 - Morning snack: Crackers and cheese or peanut butter; Coffee; Piece of fruit
12:00 - Lunch: Bagel with cream cheese and cucumber, Piece of fruit, Cookies
3:30/4:00 - Snack: Granola bar and fruit or taco chips with cheese (sometimes I'm super hungry and eat a mini meal)
6:00 - Dinner: Varies (rice, meat, corn, salad, potatoes)
7:00 - Dessert: My sweet tooth has picked up lately - cookies, or ice cream
10:00 - Before bed snack: Cereal and milk

I do drink a variety of other drinks (mostly juice) throughout the day and tons of water!  But overall, I think that is reasonable, right? 

Sleep: I feel like I am super fortunate as I read other people's stories about difficulty sleeping at night (knock on wood!).  I am sure it will only get worse from here, but I have been sleeping very well.  I go to bed at 10:30 and usually wake up once at 1:30am to pee, and then I sleep right through the night till my alarm at 7:30.  It's awesome!  Some nights it is really hard to get comfortable and I feel like I can't breathe.  Last night I slept on the couch so that it could support my back.  I am just so glad I'm not up every few hours.  I do wake up extremely thirsty and am worried about being dehydrated, but I try to drink a full water bottle after dinner and keep one by my bed that I drink throughout the night.  I usually can't last a full day without an hour nap in the afternoon either.  So, all-in-all that's about 10 hours sleep a day.  On days I don't have to get up early, I can usually get up, pee, eat breakfast, and then go back to bed for a few more hours too.  I just love my sleep!

Exercise: I've really been craving more movement.  I started doing my yoga twice a day sometimes (since they are only 15 minute videos).  I'd love some suggestions on other great gentle prenatal yoga videos available online.  The site I use is www.doyogawithme.com.  It is awesome, but limited for the prenatal videos. 

Body: I decided to start measuring around my belly this week.  Right now it is 43 inches!  Wow!!!  Last I checked I was measuring 34 weeks, so I guess that's about right.  I'm staying strong at 180 pounds this week.  I think it is also almost time to upgrade bra sizes again.  Another thing I haven't talked about much is my good old bowels.  I just thought other pregnant ladies might be interested in this, but feel free to skip ahead if you're not.  Ever since the beginning of this pregnancy I have diarrhea every single morning!  Sometimes 2-3 times!  I was worried at first but it has been such a pattern, and I'm not dehydrated, so my doctor isn't worried.  I chalk it up to some form of pregnancy IBS.  It doesn't seem to matter what I eat.  It usually happens first thing before I've eaten anything (and after I drink coffee, but I just can't stop myself).  I do feel fortunate that I have not had to deal with the other side of things (constipation).  Usually though, I don't have any other BMs throughout the day, so by the end of the day, my tummy is big!  Sometimes it's pretty uncomfortable until the next morning when it finally lets go.  Oh the joys of pregnancy!

Movement: I think these babies are starting to have some patterns to their movement, which I love!  They are definitely most active at night, but there are times throughout the day I feel them moving more.  It is my favorite!  I read that right about now they start to get hiccups frequently too, so I'll try to decipher what that movement might feel like.  I am excited to have our next ultrasound to see what positions they are in.  Most of the movement I feel is very central, right around my belly so I can't tell which twin it is. 

What I miss:
Going for walks, drinking wine, working out, drinking lots of coffee (and not having it make me feel sick), bending over, um, baby dancing?!

What I look forward to: Morning cuddles in bed with the babies, breastfeeding (I'm super curious to see how this all works), going for LONG walks with the twins and the dog (hopefully our winter is not too wet), enjoying coffee again, and, um, baby dancing!

Baby Brain = Anxious Brain

Let me tell you... baby brain is FULL in gear over here!

I'm so glad my official maternity leave starts in just a week.  I'm useless at work.  I make mistakes all the time.  I can't focus.  I have one more article to submit to our local newspaper from my counselling office.  I drafted up a whole page of notes and outlined the whole thing... then I left the piece of paper in a library book that I returned.  Here is the worst part: I can't remember AT ALL what I wrote about.  I have absolutely no idea what topic I had chosen or anything.  Mind you, it was about 2 weeks ago that I did the preliminary work, but STILL!

On top of that, the crazy hormones have kicked into full gear.  I've been having mini meltdowns every day.  Yesterday I cried looking at our budget (How will we make it when I stop working - even with maternity pay?).  Today I cried about friends wanting to come visit us this weekend (Yes I want to see them... but what if I don't feel well?  What if I'm too tired?  What if I am grumpy?).  I cried because I thought I hadn't felt the babies move for a while (DH reminded me that just a few hours previous I was talking about how much they were moving).  I'm sure there are many other trivial examples that I just can't remember right now. All I know is that any problem seems insurmountable right now, and so it makes me cry.

Which brings us to my anxiety about these babies coming.  In a few days we are 27 weeks.  That means these babies will likely be here within 10 weeks...possibly even 8!  8 weeks is 2 months!  2 months people!  I. Am. So. Not. Ready.  As much as I kept saying to people, "I just want to see these babies so badly... they could come at any time and we would make it work" - it's not true anymore!  We are not ready.  Stay in there babies, stay in there!

We still have done ZERO in the nursery.  We are awaiting our wallpaper to arrive (which has been an ordeal in itself) before we paint.  We are waiting to set up any furniture until we paint.  We are waiting to fill any furniture (bedding, clothes, etc.) until we set up the furniture.  So basically nothing is actually done.  I have barely bought any baby clothes!  People keep telling me, "Don't buy anything.  You will be given soooo much stuff."  Well, let's see it people!  I know we have two bigger showers coming up soon, so I am sure that is true, but I feel so unprepared right now.  I can't even pack a hospital bag because I don't have enough outfits for the babies.   I am trying to get other things organized in the house, and plan out meals to freeze, etc. BUT this baby brain is not making that an easy task!  Pretty much all I am good for is lying on the couch, doing nothing!

Then there is the thought of actual labour and birthing these babies.  Even if I don't experience labour, I know nothing of all the decisions to be made when a baby is born.  I'm hoping that will be covered in our L&D classes.  Still, I feel so unprepared for all of it.  We don't know what we are doing!

I know it will be okay.  We will have people helping us out.  Things will get done.  BUT my brain won't rest assured until these things actually happen.  (Also, in the back of my mind is the worry that I will be put in the hospital early too... how do you deal with all these things from a hospital bed???).

So, here is what I AM going to do to give myself some peace about it all
- Tomorrow I will stay home and hopefully have a planning/organizing day (come on brain, work with me!)
- I will find an old college paper to hopefully draw from in order to write a newspaper article
- I will start to keep a pen and paper beside me at all times to write down my thoughts as they come, because otherwise I just won't remember
- I will prepare an online order for some essentials and save it until next payday
- I will look at birth plan ideas to start familiarizing myself with questions and decisions to be made
- I will set out some books I have on caring for babies after they arrive (breastfeeding, sleeping, etc.) to hopefully start to browse through and prepare myself
- I will book an appointment with my naturopthic doctor to discuss how she can support us once the babies come (breastfeeding, immunization information, etc.)
- I will book myself a pedicure and hair cut in the near future
- I will go for my afternoon prenatal massage tomorrow and let all my worries melt away

Sound good?

New blog question

I finally did it! I started a new blog. Now, before I officially make it "live" and start handing out the link, I have some questions for you. The thing is, I still want to keep this blog on the down low. This has been my venting area, and while I have told some friends about it, I have not widely advertised it. It is, by no means, that I am ashamed, but there are some topics of discussion here that could be uncomfortable for others in my life to read about. That being said, if any of my friends came across it, and wanted to read, I would not have a problem with them doing so. However, if possible, I would like to keep this blog separate from my new blog. The only way that I can see how to do that in blogger, is to not make this blog visible from my profile. The fact is, though, this blog still exists in blogger land, and is now linked to my name. So I guess it theoretically is possible for readers from my new blog to come across it, if they googled my name, or if they happened to click on any of you (my followers) and found my name linked with your blog (either in a comment, or in a list of blogs on your page). So, I am not sure what to do from here. Do I make this blog completely private (not an option I really want, as I still would love this to be accessible to other bloggers struggling with infertility who have not come across it yet)? Do I limit the readers to only other blog writers (thereby limiting the random blog searchers out there who only read and do not write themselves)? Do I go through my hundreds of posts and privatize the super sensitive ones (that seems like a lot of work, though I am on bed rest and it's possible)? Could I create a new blog profile and somehow switch this blog to that profile for more of a secret identity? Or do you have any other suggestions??? I'd love to hear how some of you have handled this type of thing, and if you have anything to say about what options I might be missing.