Lately I keep finding myself wondering when life will return to "normal"... and then I realize this IS my new normal. I think that any transition to parenthood feels this way, but I would venture to guess that parenting multiples highlights this in an extreme way.
When I used to dream of being pregnant and having a baby, I naively thought it wouldn't change our lives that much. I mean, I knew our lives would change, but I thought we would continue to be the people we were and do the same things we did, just with an addition of a baby. I've watched friends post their photos on Facebook of eating out in restaurants, of having tons of people over for parties, of going camping or away on family vacation, all with their new baby in tow. Though their lives had dramatically changed, they still were able to live the live they led prior to kids. I always imagined that would be me. In fact, it was a priority I was willing and ready to fight for.
In reality, though, that's not the way my life is right now. Having twins has changed everything for me. It's not that doing those things is impossible with twins; but I do think there is double the amount of effort (and risk) involved in bringing two babies along - especially if I am on my own. One set of hands for two babies just doesn't cut it in all these situations. I still live in fear of what if they both wake up and start screaming while in public. One baby is difficult enough to manage, but two is literally impossible! One baby would always be crying, and I guess I'm not ready to face that situation in public.
And more than that, I realize that I have had to change myself in order to adapt to this new life. Which is fine. For one thing, I am a home body. I love my home. I love being home with my boys. I am okay not to have people over as frequently as we did. I don't mind wearing comfy clothes all day, though I do try to get out of the house even for just a walk every few days. This part of parenting multiples is okay by me.
There are, though, many changes that I did not anticipate in becoming a parent. I didn't realize that taking even a 5 minute shower would become a coveted event... and a bubble bath - well that's just unheard of. I didn't think that I would never be able to eat a meal in peace, and would have to scarf down my food as quick as possible, or learn to eat with a baby in my lap. I didn't know that I would never have clean clothes because they are always marked with spit-up (okay these are just trivial examples, but still!). I didn't anticipate that every single decision I make would make me consider the impact on my babies before thinking of myself. I didn't realize that my relationship with DH would become a challenge to upkeep, simply due to the lack of time and energy we have for one another. I didn't know that becoming a parent would change ME so very drastically.
I am still getting used to my "new normal" in my life with twins. Sometimes I treasure it, and sometimes I struggle to accept it. I somehow keep expecting that once we reach a point, things are magically going to go back to how they were before, except that we'll have two precious babies along. That's not exactly how change works. So right now, I am learning to embrace my new normal, and to stop waiting for life to return to its previous pace. I wouldn't want to go back anyways.
Thursday, February 27, 2014
Sunday, February 23, 2014
4 Month Review
Four Months
This month went by in a whirr! I’m a week late in writing and I honestly can’t remember what has gone on this month. We have seen a lot of changes in the boys, but it is hard to pick out specific details as things happen so quickly.
Eat/Sleep
Eating was a challenge this last little while. MJ went through a growth spurt and was eating like CRAZY! He now weighs at least 14lbs. RJ has been very difficult with his feedings. We haven’t been able to identify the cause of the problem (thrush, stuffy nose, bottle preference, distractibility, ear infection), but he is super picky about eating. The conditions have to be absolutely perfect in order for him to focus and actually eat something. He is finicky on breast and only lasts 5-10 minutes most days. His bottles range from 60-140mLs depending on his mood. MJ is consistently breastfeeding 15-20 minutes (sometimes 30-40) and drinking 120-160mLs. At his last weigh-in, RJ was 11lb,8oz. The boys are wearing 3-6 month clothing (MJ wears some 6 month outfits) and in size 1-2 diapers (1 is a bit tight but can do sometimes).
Sleep has been hit and miss. Since his growth spurt, MJ has been doing much better! He normally wakes up once, and sometimes twice a night. For the first time just after turning 4 months he slept 12 hours, straight through the night! RJ normally sleeps well right after his bath (4-5 hours) and then is up every 3 hours after that, so usually 3 times per night. The boys typically wake up between 7:30-8:00am and go to bed at the same time at night. We try to do 3 naps per day and rely on the walk or drive for the long nap of the day.
Play
The boys are so much more interactive now. They both talk a lot. MJ coos like crazy, and RJ just makes the loudest squaks and squeaks. They often “talk” to one another in the morning. Other than that, they aren’t too aware of each other’s presence, except when tandem nursing - they like to touch and hold hands. It is super cute. They love to lay on their pay mat and try to grab at the toys. They can hold on pretty well, when they are not moving so much. They both kick their legs a lot. We are practicing rolling over with them but they are not quite ready for it. MJ tries to sit himself up whenever he is propped back. They both can hold their necks more steady (MJ more than RJ) and practice tummy time every day. Once a week we go to Preemie Group at the Infant Development Center. It is a lot of stimulation but they enjoy the toys and the play there. They both suck on their hands and are just starting to “look” at them.
Events
This month has been pretty busy just doing normal life. We have gotten out to church more frequently, and go to group once a week. Those are the most consistent activities of the week. Other than that we try to do daily walks when it’s not raining/snowing. A few times we have met with friends with other twins for walks too. The routine to our day is great and I am slowly gaining a bit more time to myself (though I don't expect that to last long).
All in all, I really love this stage the best so far (apart from the feeding woes) and continue to look forward to what is next.
Thursday, February 20, 2014
4 Months!
I'm two days late here, but stopped by to say that these boys are FOUR MONTHS old. Holy moly! I hope to post more of an update soon, but for now, here they are. 
Monday, February 10, 2014
Upstrides
Thought I'd check in and say hello here. My, this last little bit has gone by quickly!
Today we are celebrating "Family Day" in B.C. and woke up this morning to a fresh dump of snow (we don't get a lot of snow), so it's a nice day to cuddle up inside. Here's a picture of the boys doing just that thing!
We are one week away from their 4-month birthday (can you believe it?!?!) so I'll give an official update next week. As for what I wrote about last post (thrush, nursing strike, and sugar fast), things are somewhat improved, but not completely. The thrush is a bit better, but I still see signs of it in RJ's mouth. He started to get better at nursing, and then stopped again completely for a day, but the last two days have been good again. He only nurses a few minutes at a time, though, so we are working on making sure he is getting enough hind milk. I did eliminate a lot of sugar, but I have sort of crept back to it the past few days. It's so tough when it is one of the main vices that keeps me going on those tough days. It's been a tough week with him not nursing well. There have been tears, and fights, and hard nights, but we're getting through. Hopefully it just keeps on improving from here-on in.
We have been making it out more often, going to the Preemie mom's group, and church, and the occasional social event. I have had people over here more often, as that is much easier. We've got a really good bedtime routine going, so going out in the evenings hasn't happened since we don't want to mess things up. I do hope I can convince my parents to come and put the boys to bed sometime this week so DH and I can go on an actual date (good timing with V-day on the way).
Otherwise, we are just plugging through. My days are so baby-focused, and it can seem like a blur of the same thing over and over again, but I am trying my best to see this as my life now. What I mean is that I want to continue to be me, and to enjoy things and not get so caught up in the monotony of the day-to-day work with twin babies. I really do love this stage. As much as it is hard work, I love being home with my boys. I am slowly gaining a bit more freedom and ability to do the things I love again (going for walks/runs, blogging, hopefully crafting a bit more soon too). In fact, I've been out every day except for one last week for a walk or run (and lost 6lbs since Christmas!). It feels so good!
Today we are celebrating "Family Day" in B.C. and woke up this morning to a fresh dump of snow (we don't get a lot of snow), so it's a nice day to cuddle up inside. Here's a picture of the boys doing just that thing!
We are one week away from their 4-month birthday (can you believe it?!?!) so I'll give an official update next week. As for what I wrote about last post (thrush, nursing strike, and sugar fast), things are somewhat improved, but not completely. The thrush is a bit better, but I still see signs of it in RJ's mouth. He started to get better at nursing, and then stopped again completely for a day, but the last two days have been good again. He only nurses a few minutes at a time, though, so we are working on making sure he is getting enough hind milk. I did eliminate a lot of sugar, but I have sort of crept back to it the past few days. It's so tough when it is one of the main vices that keeps me going on those tough days. It's been a tough week with him not nursing well. There have been tears, and fights, and hard nights, but we're getting through. Hopefully it just keeps on improving from here-on in.
We have been making it out more often, going to the Preemie mom's group, and church, and the occasional social event. I have had people over here more often, as that is much easier. We've got a really good bedtime routine going, so going out in the evenings hasn't happened since we don't want to mess things up. I do hope I can convince my parents to come and put the boys to bed sometime this week so DH and I can go on an actual date (good timing with V-day on the way).
Otherwise, we are just plugging through. My days are so baby-focused, and it can seem like a blur of the same thing over and over again, but I am trying my best to see this as my life now. What I mean is that I want to continue to be me, and to enjoy things and not get so caught up in the monotony of the day-to-day work with twin babies. I really do love this stage. As much as it is hard work, I love being home with my boys. I am slowly gaining a bit more freedom and ability to do the things I love again (going for walks/runs, blogging, hopefully crafting a bit more soon too). In fact, I've been out every day except for one last week for a walk or run (and lost 6lbs since Christmas!). It feels so good!
Thursday, January 30, 2014
Nursing strike, thrush, sugar fast...ugh!!!
Ugh... quite a frustrating day over here.
Just to vent it out quickly, the boys were diagnosed with mild thrush two weeks ago at the doctor's appointment. We have been treating it, but didn't really notice a difference. Well, this week RJ has been a very fussy eater, and in the past 24 hours, has nearly completely stopped taking the breast. Sometimes he will start, but only last 3 or 4 minutes and then won't go back. Other times he just screams bloody murder as soon as he sees the breast! We have no idea where it is coming from, but are guessing that the thrush may be the culprit right now. He is taking bottles fine so we have to do that to get him to eat at the moment. It is so frustrating and sad!
So, the first step is to aggressively treat the thrush again (this time with gentian violet - the messy purple stuff), and put me on a sugar/wheat fast (well, not all wheat but I will cut down my consumption where I can). Then I will likely need to spend one or two days depriving him of all artificial nipples and doing as much as I can to coax him back to breast (bathe with him, wear him in a sling, play with him with no clothes on, cuddle in bed). It's not that I mind... it's just a lot of time and effort when there is ANOTHER baby to care for as well. I'm sure we will get through it, but it is not going to be easy.
Mostly, though, this has just broken my heart. I didn't realize how special the breastfeeding is to me. I'm not trying to make this about "me"... of course the health and welfare of my child is first and foremost... but I can't bear the thought of not breastfeeding him at this point in time. Even thinking about it led me to quite an emotional meltdown today. With all the things my body has failed at doing, I am good at making milk. My full-time job, as I call it, right now is to make milk and feed and care for these boys. I love doing it, and I think it has been a healing agent after all I have been through. Some of my most precious times with RJ have been when he was breastfeeding. I will do whatever it takes to get it back.
So please, if you've gone through a nursing strike or anything like this, help me out! Or just send me some encouragement because I really need it today.
P.S. I am SOOOO addicted to sugar right now... I don't know what I'm going to do!
Just to vent it out quickly, the boys were diagnosed with mild thrush two weeks ago at the doctor's appointment. We have been treating it, but didn't really notice a difference. Well, this week RJ has been a very fussy eater, and in the past 24 hours, has nearly completely stopped taking the breast. Sometimes he will start, but only last 3 or 4 minutes and then won't go back. Other times he just screams bloody murder as soon as he sees the breast! We have no idea where it is coming from, but are guessing that the thrush may be the culprit right now. He is taking bottles fine so we have to do that to get him to eat at the moment. It is so frustrating and sad!
So, the first step is to aggressively treat the thrush again (this time with gentian violet - the messy purple stuff), and put me on a sugar/wheat fast (well, not all wheat but I will cut down my consumption where I can). Then I will likely need to spend one or two days depriving him of all artificial nipples and doing as much as I can to coax him back to breast (bathe with him, wear him in a sling, play with him with no clothes on, cuddle in bed). It's not that I mind... it's just a lot of time and effort when there is ANOTHER baby to care for as well. I'm sure we will get through it, but it is not going to be easy.
Mostly, though, this has just broken my heart. I didn't realize how special the breastfeeding is to me. I'm not trying to make this about "me"... of course the health and welfare of my child is first and foremost... but I can't bear the thought of not breastfeeding him at this point in time. Even thinking about it led me to quite an emotional meltdown today. With all the things my body has failed at doing, I am good at making milk. My full-time job, as I call it, right now is to make milk and feed and care for these boys. I love doing it, and I think it has been a healing agent after all I have been through. Some of my most precious times with RJ have been when he was breastfeeding. I will do whatever it takes to get it back.
So please, if you've gone through a nursing strike or anything like this, help me out! Or just send me some encouragement because I really need it today.
P.S. I am SOOOO addicted to sugar right now... I don't know what I'm going to do!
Wednesday, January 29, 2014
Update on ME!
Hey ya'll,
I haven't updated on how I'm doing for a while, so here goes.
Physical
Today I went for my first run since I became pregnant! It was so nice. And so difficult! I ran for about 30 minutes, with a couple stops in-between (to pick up dog poop). It was a slow jog, not because my lungs couldn't handle it, but because my pelvic floor is out of shape. I felt the pains of post-pregnancy afresh, and realized that it still will be a while till that area is back up to snuff. Still, I was pretty happy. I am looking forward to actually having sore muscles tomorrow! I have really been craving exercise lately. I am 3 months post-birth, and still have a long way to go in my weight loss goals. Most of the weight is in my hips and belly, though all around I am thicker than I was previously. I'm still only 15-20 lbs down from pregnancy so I have another 15-20 to go to pre-pregnancy, and then another 10 to my goal. Whew, that sounds overwhelming! I'm not in a huge rush, though. I don't expect to be down to my pre-pregnancy weight for at least 6 months to a year. I will focus on the rest later.
My plan is to try to jog twice a week, if I can get away from the babies! The other days I will try to take them for a walk, when it's not too cold, and/or do yoga or strength exercises at home. I'd love to start to incorporate some form of exercise every day again. Once the babies are a bit bigger I will feel better leaving them for a class or longer workout.
I haven't updated on how I'm doing for a while, so here goes.
Physical
Today I went for my first run since I became pregnant! It was so nice. And so difficult! I ran for about 30 minutes, with a couple stops in-between (to pick up dog poop). It was a slow jog, not because my lungs couldn't handle it, but because my pelvic floor is out of shape. I felt the pains of post-pregnancy afresh, and realized that it still will be a while till that area is back up to snuff. Still, I was pretty happy. I am looking forward to actually having sore muscles tomorrow! I have really been craving exercise lately. I am 3 months post-birth, and still have a long way to go in my weight loss goals. Most of the weight is in my hips and belly, though all around I am thicker than I was previously. I'm still only 15-20 lbs down from pregnancy so I have another 15-20 to go to pre-pregnancy, and then another 10 to my goal. Whew, that sounds overwhelming! I'm not in a huge rush, though. I don't expect to be down to my pre-pregnancy weight for at least 6 months to a year. I will focus on the rest later.
My plan is to try to jog twice a week, if I can get away from the babies! The other days I will try to take them for a walk, when it's not too cold, and/or do yoga or strength exercises at home. I'd love to start to incorporate some form of exercise every day again. Once the babies are a bit bigger I will feel better leaving them for a class or longer workout.
Also I need to work on my eating habits. I am eating mostly healthy meals, but my snacks are not that great. I still am eating way too much sugar too. I'd like to cut out as much sugar as I can, apart from my morning dose in my coffee and a bit of dark chocolate in the afternoon/evening (I never craved chocolate as much as I do since I started breastfeeding...crazy?). So now that it's been said, I'm accountable, right? Once I stop breastfeeding, or the boys start solids I may look at Weight Watchers, but I don't want to focus on limiting food right now since it is so important for my milk supply.
Emotional
Let me remember what I was going to say here. Overall, I think I am doing very well. Now that the boys have a bit more of a routine, and I am getting some sleep (5-6 hours on average), I am much more functional! It really has helped me to get out of the house with the boys. Not only is it a huge sense of accomplishment, but it helps keep me sane. I have started to become more social again too. DH and I even went out to a party in the evening with the boys the other night! We haven't done an evening outing since they were born (apart from a Christmas banquet).
I am still processing a lot of my feelings surrounding their birth and our experience with infertility. Lately I have a lot of emotions about it all. As I treasure the moments I have with them as they grow (so quickly!), I still grieve, not knowing if I will ever experience this again. I have a lot of anger about all that we had to go through and I still feel bitterness towards those who obtain it so easily. It's not at the forefront of my mind anymore (I just don't have time for it), but it is still there.
Intellectual
As if I have the time to think about my intellectual mind... but still I am. I know I need to keep my mind working so as to not be completely overtaken by baby brain. Lately I have been thinking about how I really do want to have a bit of an understanding of the Korean language, especially if we want our boys to learn it. I'm looking for someone here who could teach me. I'm so fortunate not to have to go back to work yet, so I do need to find ways to keep my mind adult-oriented.
Emotional
Let me remember what I was going to say here. Overall, I think I am doing very well. Now that the boys have a bit more of a routine, and I am getting some sleep (5-6 hours on average), I am much more functional! It really has helped me to get out of the house with the boys. Not only is it a huge sense of accomplishment, but it helps keep me sane. I have started to become more social again too. DH and I even went out to a party in the evening with the boys the other night! We haven't done an evening outing since they were born (apart from a Christmas banquet).
I am still processing a lot of my feelings surrounding their birth and our experience with infertility. Lately I have a lot of emotions about it all. As I treasure the moments I have with them as they grow (so quickly!), I still grieve, not knowing if I will ever experience this again. I have a lot of anger about all that we had to go through and I still feel bitterness towards those who obtain it so easily. It's not at the forefront of my mind anymore (I just don't have time for it), but it is still there.
Intellectual
As if I have the time to think about my intellectual mind... but still I am. I know I need to keep my mind working so as to not be completely overtaken by baby brain. Lately I have been thinking about how I really do want to have a bit of an understanding of the Korean language, especially if we want our boys to learn it. I'm looking for someone here who could teach me. I'm so fortunate not to have to go back to work yet, so I do need to find ways to keep my mind adult-oriented.
Relationally
As I mentioned before, I am feeling more social again. I have had a few friends over lately and I also have connected with some local twin moms.
DH and I have been talking about ways we can make our relationship more than just caretakers of these babies, though it really is hard, especially with where they are at right now. We barely even have time to ask each other about our days once he is home. Now that they are hopefully sleeping more we can have more time together after they go to bed. I think it is really important to keep our relationship at the forefront, both for their development and for us. I'm not quite sure how to do that, but it will remain a goal for the next few months.
So, there is a bit of where I am at 3-months post-partum.
Friday, January 24, 2014
The "Mom" Club
I think I have entered a status I never thought I would be a part of... the "mom" club. Not only did I not think I would ever get to be a part of this club, but I did not really even want to. Let me explain.
I always wanted to have children and be a mom, but I didn't want to associate myself with most of the moms who I knew. These moms spent their days catering to their children's needs, driving them everywhere, obsessing about the last time their child pooped, or how long they slept, and really could not talk about anything BUT their children. I knew that parenting was a big endeavour, but did it really need to overtake their ENTIRE life?!? I felt bitter towards these people, and vowed that if I ever was so lucky to become a mom, I would remain a well-rounded, contributing member of society.
Here I am, many months later, with 3-month old twin boys at home. What do I care about right now? When did the boys last eat? Did they eat enough? RJ hasn't pooped in 3 days! What's on my agenda? Washing bottles, doing laundry, feeding, changing, burping, rocking, sleeping. Checking email... what's that? Reading? Going out with friends? Who has the time? Even if I did hang out with my pre-baby friends, what could I say to contribute to the conversation? My life is only babies right now. I literally do not have the time to even think about anything else going on in the world outside.
But it's okay.
I'm okay with it.
This is just a season. I can round myself out again in the future. For now, I want to just cuddle, and love, and take care of these precious gifts.
On a side note, what is neat about being in the mom club is how I have already made new friends. Since moving here, it has been hard to make friends, since we are older and didn't have kids. We didn't fit with the singles, and we didn't fit with the families. That didn't leave much of a place for DH and I. I don't like the fact that we had to have kids to "fit in" but, I do like the chance that I am getting to meet new people. Right now, I need to talk to other moms. I need to normalize the experience I am going through, and the only ones who can really get it are other twin moms out there. So, for now, I am really grateful! And don't worry - I am still staying connected to my pre-baby friends as best as I can!
I always wanted to have children and be a mom, but I didn't want to associate myself with most of the moms who I knew. These moms spent their days catering to their children's needs, driving them everywhere, obsessing about the last time their child pooped, or how long they slept, and really could not talk about anything BUT their children. I knew that parenting was a big endeavour, but did it really need to overtake their ENTIRE life?!? I felt bitter towards these people, and vowed that if I ever was so lucky to become a mom, I would remain a well-rounded, contributing member of society.
Here I am, many months later, with 3-month old twin boys at home. What do I care about right now? When did the boys last eat? Did they eat enough? RJ hasn't pooped in 3 days! What's on my agenda? Washing bottles, doing laundry, feeding, changing, burping, rocking, sleeping. Checking email... what's that? Reading? Going out with friends? Who has the time? Even if I did hang out with my pre-baby friends, what could I say to contribute to the conversation? My life is only babies right now. I literally do not have the time to even think about anything else going on in the world outside.
But it's okay.
I'm okay with it.
This is just a season. I can round myself out again in the future. For now, I want to just cuddle, and love, and take care of these precious gifts.
On a side note, what is neat about being in the mom club is how I have already made new friends. Since moving here, it has been hard to make friends, since we are older and didn't have kids. We didn't fit with the singles, and we didn't fit with the families. That didn't leave much of a place for DH and I. I don't like the fact that we had to have kids to "fit in" but, I do like the chance that I am getting to meet new people. Right now, I need to talk to other moms. I need to normalize the experience I am going through, and the only ones who can really get it are other twin moms out there. So, for now, I am really grateful! And don't worry - I am still staying connected to my pre-baby friends as best as I can!
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