Lonely

I don't know what to say, but I just felt like writing so that my voice could get out somewhere.  I am so lonely today.  My BIL is visiting this weekend (again), so that leaves DH preoccupied (Also, BIL is not the type of guy that I can easily "hang out" with, or ever talk to about anything).  DH is also busy the next 6 weeks catching up on some work he has to do for his ordination that he left till the last minute.  He's not exactly emotionally available.  I tried to talk to him the other night and he just blew up!  I had not realized how stressed he was, but me talking to him put him over the edge and he had a nuclear meltdown.  I understand where he is coming from, but it doesn't help me in my need to cry on someone's shoulder.  I feel pretty hopeless right now.  I had a week where my teenage clients had pregnancy scares and mid-30 year-old guys talked about knocking up girls... and they all talked about getting abortions.  It just made my blood boil!  Then my most-fertile friend told me she's pregnant again... with KID NUMBER FIVE!  Five kids... all under the age of 5.  WTF?!?!?!  It was a hard week.  I hung out with my mom yesterday, went for a nice swim by the river.  But I just don't want to talk to my mom anymore.  It sucks, because she is the closest thing to a real friend who is here right now, but after our first IUI, pregnancy and miscarriage, I decided I needed a bit more space from the parents.  They don't have to know everything about my cycles and when we are inseminating, etc.  And since J has moved away, I literally have nobody I feel safe talking to.  My only friends are 20-year old college kids (who are a far way off from nearly 7 years of marriage and infertility), and married ones with 3 kids minimum.

So today I feel lonely.  I busied myself ALL day (gardening, prepping the deck for painting, repainting a piece of furniture, walking the dog, cooking dinner, knitting, and doing laundry).  That's one good thing...that my emotionalism spurs me  onto productiveness, but now I am exhausted - emotionally, and physically.  And I am super emotional.  My ND says that my estradiol must just be off the charts and that I need to keep it moving and let it out.  I'm taking some homeopathic remedies (that are safe through fertility treatments), doing acupuncture, and going to try to do some hard-core cardio this week.    But for now, I am angry.  I am sad.  I want to cry.  I want to yell.  I want to punch things.  I want to be held.  And all I want to do is hold a damn baby!

P.S. This is what I did yesterday to make myself feel better... spent a whack-load of money on pretty fabric and some flowers.  Nothing like retail therapy (and pretty things make everything better)!