Desperate housewife

I have no idea why, but I literally fall apart when my husband goes away. It doesn't matter if it's for one night, or 20, but as soon as he is gone, I completely crumble. I get lonely, I think of worst case scenarios, I analyze every aspect of my life, and I busy myself up immediately to get over the bad feelings - all within an hour of being home alone. It's so weird because I honestly love and crave time alone. I'm an introvert and there is nothing I love more than to have the house to myself in the middle of the day to get some things done and spend time alone. But once I know that he is out of the city and I have to sleep all by myself in the bed... I can't handle it.

Today DH went away for a couple nights to district conference in Vancouver. And so, I got to thinking. I'll preface this by saying that though my thoughts are extreme during emotionally vulnerable times like these, they are still legitimate thoughts.

I'm still having trouble swallowing this "friend having a baby" situation. I know that I have no choice but to accept it, but I am slow in coming around. DH talked with P last week and told him about our struggle and how we are having a bit of a hard time, yet fully want to support them. But I haven't been able to talk to J yet. The timing just hasn't come up, and I don't even know what I would say. It's just a conversation that I don't want to have. Also this week I have been sick with a terrible cold (sore throat). I also went to my naturopathic doctor and just feel discouraged all over. My weight isn't where I want it to be, my hormones seem to be all over the place and inconsistent, I'm having these heart palpitations, my ferritin is extremely low, which isn't helping my energy - and yet I feel like I have been trying harder than EVER before to get things in order. So discouraging! My doctor said not to worry and that I am doing everything right and that there is still no reason as to why we shouldn't have a baby... so keep trying. And we'll start up with more acupuncture and chinese herbs. Fine...

But I got to thinking tonight about my motivation in general these days. I feel like I have no drive. And as I thought about it more, I realized that I really don't know what I am living for. I don't mean that in a morbid, "I have nothing to live for" kind of way. But I mean that there is nothing driving me forward right now. In all honesty (as snobby as this sounds), I feel like we(and I) have achieved so much of what we/I wanted to achieve. I guess that when I was little, my dreams/thoughts didn't get much further past this point in my life. I graduated high school, I have a college degree and now almost a Master's too (which wasn't planned or expected at all), I am married, we own a beautiful house... with a garden in the works, we had a puppy, we both have jobs/careers, we've travelled, and we're doing church ministry. What more could I want? The only single thing missing from that perfect life is a baby. I've accomplished all the other check points on my list, and now I'm left without the one thing that I was planning on to help me create a whole new list of check points in my life.

I kind of feel like I am trying to recreate the life that I lived and loved as a kid. I guess I value my mom and all that she taught/showed me so much, that I want to pass that on and live it again... though for who, I don't know. I've already lived it once so I don't know why I'm trying to get back there again. And I don't know how to create new dreams in my life... I can't at all picture life without a baby and a family. So what do I do now???

Life goes on...

Remember that old show, "Life Goes On"? I don't really. But I remember the ridiculous theme song: "Obladi, Obladah, life goes on, ooooohhh...." Well they had one thing right - life does go on, even after turning 30.

My birthday ended up being really good. We just had some close friends/family over for dinner (tacos, the standard birthday meal) and then a bunch of people joined in for cupcakes for dessert (baked by Daniel!). It was fun and I felt special and loved and spoiled (tons of flowers and pretty little gifts). And then, 10 days later, DH and I headed off to New York City. That was a great adventure too, though I was really glad when it was over and I could come back home and get into real life again. I honestly really like my life here. Yes, I feel it is lacking in one vitally important way, but there is nothing in my life that I wish was not there. And that's pretty big. So, life just kept going and I made the transition to being 30 with not much changing.

And then this past weekend was Mother's Day. I remember last year being hard because they passed out flowers or something at church and made the focus all about mothers. Actually, all the girls got flowers, so it wasn't that I was actually left out. I just felt really bitter about the day and didn't want to celebrate at all. So, for this year I was already not looking forward to it. Then my dad asked my mom and I to share on "Stewarding your Womanhood" at church. And we said yes. I prepared a talk and it went fine. I think I only had one meltdown in the days leading up to it, but overall I remained strong.

And then...

Well let me back up a bit. Actually, before Bible group on Sunday night, I felt this huge urge just to make sure I spent some time with the Lord in prayer and reading my Bible. And I had a bit of a cry then and really felt heavy-hearted. I prayed for strength because somehow I felt I would need it to make it through the night.

So we have some great friends that live just down the road, P & J. We actually know them from when we lived in Kelowna and DH went to the same high school as P (who is younger). They moved here literally 2 weeks after us, and we have been inseparable couples ever since. They have by far been our best friends here and they have made our lives here so fun and meaningful. Like us, they are young, in love, and WITHOUT KIDS. Now, you probably know where this is going, hey?

For the past few months, I have had the dread growing that they may decide to have kids soon. It's not that I don't want them to have kids... it's just that I really feel the friendship will change and right now I feel like I just NEED a couple like them in our lives. Most of our other friends are single, or married with kids (okay, there are maybe 2 other couples without kids but we just aren't as close with them).

And so, when they came early on Sunday night to break the news to us...it was a bit devastating. I responded so graciously and excitedly for them (and I was excited, it wasn't a lie). I knew the time was coming and I had even suspected it a few times already (and quickly pushed the thought from my mind). But now it's real.

I slipped away for a few minutes before study began and actually had a real cry and emailed my best friend (who responded SOOOOO perfectly with exactly the right words I needed to hear). But then I dragged myself upstairs, put on a brave face, and made my way through the night.

Now what do I do? It's been two days and I haven't said a word to them (been very busy working and it's not like we talk every day). I know that things will just keep on as normal. I just don't think I can be the friend who wants to know all the details of the evolving pregnancy. But I do want to be that friend - I just want to be a part of it all. I want to be pregnant at the same time. I want to go through it with a close friend, not watching a close friend. I know that I'll just have to keep on going as if things are normal. And things are normal. I'm not bitter. I am excited for them. I just feel so dichotomous. I don't want to hide my feelings from them, nor do I feel like I have to. I just don't feel it's right or necessary to drag up my true feelings to them. So in those moments I'll be the happy, excited me. And when I'm alone, I'll be the sad, disappointed, questioning, given-up-hope me.

I'm not even sure what my point is here. This is not a "woe is me" post at all. I just don't know how to process or accept what I am feeling right now. I guess I really feel like I have two identities lobbying for my attention. They are polar opposites, and yet they co-exist.

I wish... but I don't even know what I wish for anymore.

And so, I just keep on letting life go on.

Countdown is on.

Sorry for the suspense since my last post. I got "it" the next day and didn't have the heart to respond. It was a full week late, which has never happened in my memory. It sucked. And it meant that I definitely will not be pregnant before I turn 30 - which is tomorrow (and that was a big deal for me). Not only have I been freaking out about the upcoming event, but that same day I got my period was the day of the big earthquake/tsunami in Japan. And ever since then there has been a nuclear crisis growing. It's been an intense few weeks, and I have had so much mulling around in my mind, but have found it hard to put into words. I still don't feel like I can describe how I am feeling. It has shaken me up and I am questioning everything and feeling hopeless, but without much choice but to move on. And now it's the eve of my 30th birthday.

I feel numb. I don't want my birthday to come. But since I know it has to come, I want it to be fantastically special, and I don't think it will. I went to Vancouver on the weekend to spend time with my girlfriends. It was a great day and I felt special and loved and we even had a great talk over coffee about everything that is going on. But it didn't fix anything. And I know that we are going to New York in a few weeks and that is to be my big birthday celebration. I know I'll be excited for it when it comes. But I just have a hard time finding joy "in the moment" these days. Even when I am happy and smiling, I have a sadness in my soul that will not go away. I don't know how to make it go away.

So we've planned a dinner/dessert even for tomorrow night. On one hand I want it to happen because I do want to feel special on such an important day (I'm really into celebrating the significance of days, and having this birthday be my 30th birthday on the 30th of March is significant!). On the other hand, I don't even want people to know it is my birthday and that I am turning 30. I am not at peace with it. Why, then, would I want to celebrate with people?

I suppose I'll just suck it up and make it through the day. Nothing outward will really have changed. It's just an ever-growing crisis of faith and identity growing within soul... And the countdown is on.

The Joy is in the Journey

"The Joy is in the journey." That is a phrase my mom used to say that her father taught her. Basically it means that the destination is not always the main point of the journey; sometimes we are required to find joy without having reached our anticipated destination. I have tried to hold true to this phrase, but found it exceedingly hard considering the circumstances. I still trust in God. I still worship God. I see God as the maker of all things, as all-powerful, all knowing, and as in charge of all of life. I see Him as the creator. I see him as the King. But this does not mean that I can always put on a "happy face" and pretend my troubles don't exist. I think the Church has done too much of that throughout the past 100 years, which is why we are often seen as hypocrites. On the other hand, I don't think it is right to bemoan our sad state - why would anyone want to come follow Jesus if his followers were a bunch of whiny, mopey Debbie-downers. I just don't know what it means to find joy in my journey right now. I am trying. Oh am I trying so hard! Still, the feelings of hopelessness and discouragement have come. I feel like if I just spent enough time reading my Bible, or listening to worship music, or praying, they would magically go away. But I don't think that is the point. I'm not sure what this journey has to teach me. I am trying to be open.

All God's testings have a purpose - Someday you will see the light;
All He asks is that you trust him, Walk by faith and not by sight. (Zoller)

And still no period to show for anything... though I was up in the night with achey muscles, sore throat and a headache - feeling like I would definitely get "it" in the morning. But, I did not. So now we play the waiting game. I'll try another pregnancy test on the weekend if it doesn't come by then (today is day 34 so we'll give it at least a week of being late). And then I'll plan a doctor's appointment for next week. The waiting part seriously sucks, but I'm trying to live life as "normal" until we know otherwise.

Oh the agony...

Well, woke up this morning to a BIG FAT NEGATIVE! I didn't really think it would be positive, but still it was disappointing. But no period yet. Then I got to work and discovered just the slightest amount of spotting. So slight it was hardly noticeable, but spotting nonetheless. I don't think I resigned myself to the fact that my P might be coming because I still kept hope. Throughout the day I felt pretty normal. I had a bit of a headache and indigestion feeling this afternoon. And this evening my stomach has not felt "right" (bloated, but wanting to eat, sick feeling at the thought of some foods). Again I don't know how much is in my head. And now, the day is almost over and I still have not got it. I had another small twinge of spotting, and so now it feels like it might come tomorrow. Which would be fine if it just came already and got it over with! But it's now 5 days late...tomorrow will be 6! I could have been done with it all already if it had come on time. And f course I can't help thinking the "what if..." It is so odd for it to be so late. I hate this not knowing and being in-between. I want to know one way or the other. Aaah!

We did talk about how we would think about pursuing other options, like IUI, if it doesn't happen this time. Sigh.

We need a miracle. Anything that would happen at this point in time would be a miracle, and we will see it that way.

The title name

Well I became a slacker on the 10th day of the cleanse and we kind of gave it up. The weekend was hard to stay "healthy" and then we've just had some busy days/road trips, resulting in fast food, blech! I'll try to write more about it later.

But, in other news... the thing that has been on my mind, is that I am actually 4 DAYS LATE as we speak. A full four days, which has not happened in my recollection EVER. It is day 32 today. And I woke up yesterday with a cold sore (which sometimes happens to people in early pregnancy). And I have not had any spotting or discharge at all (also weird). And my breasts were quite tender for a good 3-4 days, which usually only happens for one day at the most. So... here I am. I just got a pregnancy test and will wait till the morning to try (I tried one tonight but it showed negative). They say to use the first urine of the morning. I also feel a bit fluttery in my tummy. Not like period cramps. A bit heartburn too. But maybe I am just making all of these up due to wishful thinking. I'm not sure what I'll do if my period does come. :( This is the last chance before my 30th birthday. Not that that should be as big a deal as I am making it out to be. I was kind of resigned to turn 30 without being pregnant. But now the hope is alive again. We'll see. I'm trying not to get my hopes up, but it is seriously hard not to! I am expecting that even if I don't get my period tomorrow, I may see a BFN on the test because it's still early. But we'll see.

That's all for now. I am super tired. We drove to Victoria after work last night to see a show, and then drove home again afterwards. Got to bed at 2:30 and up for work at 8. It is time for me to get some real rest!

Here's to hoping, and wishing, and praying!!!!

The Cleanse: Days 6-9

I don't have too much detail to write for these days. Just trying to remember to say something before I forget.

We had a bit of a slip up over the weekend, but I'm not too concerned. We went for a big 12km cross-country ski on Saturday. Once we were done we headed to the lodge to chill and just had to get ourselves a steamed milk hot chocolate. It was the most glorious thing I have ever tasted! Talk about deprived, hey? And I didn't even feel sick after drinking it.

Sunday was a different story because we hosted an Academy Awards party. We asked everyone to bring snacks and I thought there would be a bit more assortment. However, all that was brought was chips, donuts and cupcakes. And we didn't eat dinner beforehand. All in all, however, I didn't do too bad. I had a few Hershey's chocolates, some chips, some punch and then a few bite-size appetizers. But afterwards and into the next day, I felt pretty terrible. Cramping and general blahness. I purged by going for a nice run on Monday and eating well. Unfortunately, once you slip once it is easy to bend the rules a bit... We made popcorn on Monday too and oh it was good!

We are almost done the bottle of cleanse powder we have and I don't think I'll buy another one. We had a no meat day today and we'll try to do no meat tomorrow. Then for the rest of the week I just plan to continue eating healthy. By the weekend I want to start reintroducing foods to see if any react with my system.

So, that's the plan! My energy levels have been alright. I do notice if I don't get enough sleep so the focus is on going to bed on time this week. Just had a great yoga class today and a bath with epsom salts and a nice body scrub. Ready to cuddle up and rest the night away then begin again tomorrow!