TTC after Pregnancy after Infertility

I feel like I haven't blogged about anything "real" in a long time.  What I mean by "real" is my own personal thoughts and feelings.  Yet lately this blog land space has been on my mind.  I miss it.

I've also had a lot of thoughts regarding infertility on my mind again.  So here we go.

Is it just me, or are a lot of people in the blogosphere finding themselves suddenly pregnant after pregnancy after infertility?  Maybe it's just the friends who I follow on here, but it seems to be a common theme.  That, or the decision to TTC for a second time.  And that's where I find myself.  No, not pregnant, but trying to decide whether to TTC again.

Our boys are nearly 16 months old.  Which, if we suddenly found ourselves pregnant, would give us a new baby right after the twins enter their terrible twos.  Are we not CRAZY for even considering that?  But I can't help it!  The thought is suddenly consuming my mind.  And I'm trying to figure out why it all of a sudden is so important to me.

Part of my brain has this notion that I can "trick" my body into getting pregnant easily again if I just try right away.  I only recently got my period back (sort of), and maybe I can suddenly get pregnant before my body realizes it is infertile.  Does that sound crazy?  I know I have heard others who feel the same way.  And I have seen it work!  So in a way, I feel like the pressure is on and I need to get on this fast before I lose my chance...

It may also be that the boys are definitely NOT babies anymore.  We have full-on toddlers in the house.  Which is wonderful, and fun, and exciting, and exhausting!  But I miss my babies.  And I feel like I want to experience all those beautiful baby stages again... this time not in shock and not while recovering from a fairly traumatic pregnancy/birth experience.

That is part of it too.  I can't help but want a normal pregnancy/birth experience.  I definitely feel like carrying twins, plus being on bed rest, plus having tons of bleeding/pregnancy complications, plus the NICU, plus post-partum hemorrhage was NOT the normal experience.  It's not that I'm ungrateful for my experience, but I just wonder what it would be like to experience a pregnancy without all the complications... or has infertility and my trauma ruined me of that?

I also think that if we do have a third child, I want him/her to be close in age to the boys, so that he/she is not a third wheel and left out all the time.  I feel like a child closer in age would allow them to break out of their "twinship" and befriend the other sibling more.  I don't know if we would go for a fourth, so that may be all we have.

I don't even know for sure if we want a third child.  We are a pretty happy family as it is.  I just can't stop thinking of trying for another one...

There will be no surprises for a while, as I still have the IUD.  We jumped on the birth control wagon as soon as we could since we really didn't want a surprise right away.  The shock of parenting newborn twins just scared us too much!  I'm back on a waitlist to see my OB and have the IUD removed, so this isn't going to happen anytime too soon.  I'm really just trying to figure out if it is what I want.

Okay, I know it is what I want.  I'm just trying to figure out if the reasons for me wanting it are rational and  reasonable.

So there you have it.  Oh, and can I just say that infertility definitely has changed sex for us forever (or at least it seems so!).  Yes, there are still those spontaneous, fun, enjoyable times... but how bad is it that when I go to the bathroom and see some ripe CM sitting there, my first thought is, "WE NEED TO HAVE SEX RIGHT NOW!" before realizing that I'm on birth control and not even capable of getting pregnant.  Yet it was like an uncontrollable urge!  I'm pretty sure that's not exactly how sex was designed to be.

Twin Organization

New post on keeping toys organized with twins around on my other blog.  Check it out!

Keeping Organized with Twins

Flying solo...

I've been meaning and meaning to sit down and write, and it just seems the time slips away all too quickly these days.  Currently I made a coffee and sat down to write while the boys are napping, but they decided not to nap.  They are jumping on their beds and laughing and yelling, while I ignore them and try to get through my coffee since I clearly won't be taking a nap.

My husband is away right now.  For TWO LONG WEEKS!  He's all the way across the world in Cambodia, so we can't even keep touch very well.  And the time is creeping by so slowly...

I do have lots of help and couldn't do this otherwise, but it still is not the same as having your partner around.

Meanwhile the boys are keeping me busy and being full-on toddlers.  MJ is mostly walking all around everywhere.  RJ just started walking this past week and will catch on quick.  Sleep has been a bit horrendous since my husband left (and that is the hardest part!).  I think they just wanted dad the first few nights and were up all hours of the night.  Since then they're back to sleeping through the night, but they're in-between that 2-1 nap transition, which is a nightmare!  The whole one-nap-is-not-enough and two-naps-is-too-much!  When they do nap, it is usually in the morning but then they can't quite make it to bedtime (up from 10:30-6:30 is a lonnnng stretch).  I'll write a whole post on this down the road.  They are just super unpredictable and that makes it tough for me, as right now the nap time is my only "down" time.  The days are long and I am exhausted when they are over.  I had all these grand notions and plans of things to get done while hubby is away... organizing and cleaning.  But as soon as the boys are in bed, it's clean-up, prep for the morning, check my email and read for a few minutes before I am passed out and done for the day.  It is exhausting! 

But I am surviving and know I will make it.  Just 6 more sleeps to go...

Time for ME

Recently one of my friends from a baby group mentioned how a lot of us are starting to get our identities "back" after having kids.  And I suddenly realized that it is true.  The shock of having twins threw me for a loop and there was a while I thought I never would be myself again.  I still think that my definition of my "self" has changed dramatically since the twins were born.  However, since they turned a year old, I find life returning to "normal" in some ways.  Maybe it's because they sleep through the night and I feel quite rested most days.  Maybe it's because I'm not nursing any longer and there is a sense of independence again.  Maybe it's just a natural progression in having a baby. 

The thing that I have found, however, is that even though I have more time for myself, I really don't know what to DO with myself.  It's either that the activities that I used to do take too much time and I can't really get into them, OR I just don't want to do those things anymore.  I think I wrote before about how many of my hobbies were domestic activities.  Now I get to do those activities all the time, just not with the leisure attached.  It is a rush get-this-done-before-the-babies-wake-up kind of thing.  So it's not quite the same amount of enjoyment, even though I am feeling fulfilled in using those skills to provide for my family. 

In the meantime, I still do need time for myself.  So here are some of the things that I do these days to recharge and feel "normal" in the midst of a crazy life.

1. Exercise!  This is huge for me!  If I have the time to work up a real good sweat or be outdoors on a beautiful day it is a bonus.  But even when I don't, a 30 minute walk pushing the stroller is great to settle my thoughts and help me breathe easier for the day.  I love our family walks, which we try to do 1-2x per week.  We often Ergo the boys down the trails to the beach and back around our little town center, stopping for a treat along the way.  The dog loves it when we all walk together too!

2. Coffee and reading.  Most of my reading honestly is catching up on my social media sites and briefly checking blogs, though I do want to start reading books again, especially before bed.  It's just so daunting on where to begin.  I used to LOVE reading but I'm totally out of the loop and don't even know which authors I would like anymore.  If you have any suggestions, please let me know!  Oh, and this only happens when the babies are napping and I don't have other pressing matters to attend to.

3. TV night with my babe (the big one).  Hubby and I love to cuddle up a few nights a week and catch up on shows or maybe watch a movie if we're not too tired.  Before I was a parent I knew so many parents who never watched movies or TV anymore, but I find this is our lifeline!  Maybe it changes when the kids go to bed later, but right now we need it.  Some nights we are sooo spent and all we want to do is light a fire in the woodstove, grab some junk food and zone out to something that makes us laugh.  I actually think it has connected us as a couple, despite what it may seem like.

4. Coffee date out with a friend, sans kids!  Okay, this has only happened like one or two times, but it has been incredible when it did happen.  I want to find a way to make this happen more. 

5. Massage, hair appointments and the like.  I started having regular monthly massages as part of my self-care as a counsellor when I started working, and now I just keep it up since we have coverage for most of the year.  I just love those days!  I get regular haircuts at a hip salon that makes me feel young and fresh (hehe).  I would love, love, love to start acupuncture again at some point, but my acupuncturist has moved farther away and I don't know if I can afford the time for the drive and the appointment.  We'll see.  Especially if we do decide to TTC again...

I'd say that's a pretty good start right about now.  How about you?  What do you do to recharge?  

2015 Busy as can be...

Hello!

I just wanted to say hello and let you all know that I am alive and well.  This last little while has just flown by.  I know people say that all the time, but this month of December was seriously a whirlwind.  From Christmas banquets and church services, to visits to a Christmas wonderland and the snow... there were activities galore.  We were on our own for Christmas day (so nice!) but family and friends arrived the day after and the fun continued right up until New Year's day. 

Now we are slowly settling back to routine and gearing up for a busy winter schedule ahead.  I am back to work two days a week.  My hubby is about to head off to Cambodia for a trip with our church and I will be on my own (EEK!!!) for two whole weeks.  We are filling our calendar with all sorts of fun activities for the boys: swimming, diaper gym, baby group and more.  I am trying to get back in shape.  AND we may add two additions to our household and host two girls from Korea who are coming to learn English.  My oh my, the fun never ends!

The boys are ever so sweet and growing and changing like crazy!  I'll do a proper update post as soon as I can, but for now I just wanted to share a couple highlights of these wonderful (walking!!!) boys.

Christmas PJs (and learning to smile...!)

First time in the snow!!!  (Didn't like the cold)

My incredible family!

I'll write more soon... I promise!!!

The end of nursing

It's a rare day that I actually have a chance to sit down and write a little bit.  I long to do so more often... but there are always other things that have to come first.  The boys are both napping, and I am sipping coffee rather than lying down for a catnap.  It's over a year since they've been born, and I still feel the need to nap every single day.  Even if it's just for 10 minutes... I have such a hard time getting through the day otherwise.  My days start at 6am and end at 10pm, so it feels like two back-to-back 8-hour shifts.  The midday closing of the eyes helps me make it through.  But it is also my only time "alone" so I want to start taking it back for myself, though some days sleep is the best thing I need. 

But that's all beside the point. 

The point is, we are officially done nursing.  And I feel so mixed about it.

On one hand, I am glad it went very smoothly.  I didn't really decide to be done, but we decided to try to cut out bottles more in the daytime, and switch the boys to sippy cups.  This encouraged them to drink more milk throughout the daytime.  I really was only nursing first thing in the morning.  But that nursing session got faster and faster, until they weren't really drinking at all and were only waiting for their cup of milk later on (and the cheerios that go with it).  So I experimented giving them a bottle or cup first thing in the morning, and all of a sudden... that's what they want.  There were a few days where RJ was waking up in the night when he was sick and I tried to nurse them, to help speed up his recovery.  But now, if I show them my breast, they just sort of examine it with a look like, "Yeah, I remember that thing" but they don't care to latch on anymore. 

And so I think we're done. 

It happened rather abruptly for me.  I stopped pumping on their first birthday, but I planned to keep nursing in the morning, and in the daytime or night if they were upset/hurt/in pain for a while longer...maybe until they were 2 years old.  I feel like, though, they saw the breast for nourishment, not as much for comfort.  And now that they are getting filled elsewhere, they just don't think they need it.  They are also busy little boys.  They don't want to stop playing to nurse.  No thank you mom!

I would do things differently if there were a next time.  I transitioned them pretty quickly to cow's milk, though now I realize I didn't really need to.   We started giving a bottle as part of the bedtime routine a long time ago, and I wish I would have kept that to be a special nursing time.  Also with sleep training, we stopped night nursing a long time ago.  But now I miss all those things.   All of my other friends with twins are done nursing too.  I just don't know if I was quite ready...

There is a part of me that feels like motherhood is about being physically connected to my babies.  For 8 months I carried them inside my body.  Then I birthed them out of my body.  Then for a whole year I sustained their life through my body.  It is such an incredible, bonding experience.  I guess I am now reframing my definition of motherhood as they (in a small way) detach from me.  It's a little bit sad.  

Those last few sessions nursing were very precious.  RJ had been sick and he cuddled and nursed for almost 20 minutes one time.  I won't ever forget those times of cuddles.  Overall, I am glad I had such a positive experience with nursing, even though it wasn't always easy.  I know I am lucky to have made it this far, and though it's sad, we are onto another chapter which will bring new joys. 

A day in the life of one year old twins

It's been a while since I've done a "day in the life of" blog post.  Now that the boys are one, I thought it would be neat to share what our (hectic) day looks like.  This is an example of a day that I am home with the boys alone.

6:00-7:00am - The boys usually wake up within this window (though last night we put them to bed at 7 and they slept through until 7:40am!!!).  I go into their room to greet them, and then take turns nursing them while the other one plays with toys in the room.  Oh, and the dog joins me to greet the boys first thing every morning.

7:00 - Cheerios and free play.  The first thing that RJ does when we leave the room is he goes to the kitchen and points at the cheerios cupboard and whines. Every. Single. Morning.  Haha, he is relentless when he wants something.  They each get a little cup of cheerios and we go into the living room (where they eat a few and shake most of the rest to the floor for the dog).  I set out a few toys, put on some music and they play while I get organized for the morning.  I put on the kettle (for tea, then for coffee), empty the dishwasher, make breakfast, try to make some snacks for the day, and currently boil water (we're on a boil water advisory so all our drinking water has to be boiled).

7:30/8:00 - We eat breakfast together.  Breakfast normally is a bowl of oatmeal, a shared piece of toast, and some bananna.  On days when we have more time we do pancakes, french toast or eggs.

8:00 - Playtime, get dressed, change diapers, and wake up dad (by jumping on him in bed, of course)

8:30/9:00 - By 9:00 the boys are down for their first nap, and usually sleep at least an hour, maybe an hour and a half.  This nap usually isn't a problem and they like to cuddle back in bed (so would I).  This is my time to get myself organized for the day, so I shower, clean up breakfast, start any laundry for the day and pack up our bag for the day.

10:30 - Once the boys are up, they get a bottle of milk (about 200mLs).  We are working to transition them to sippy cups, but they still love their bottles.  We change diapers and then usually try to head out to do something before lunch (baby group, StrongStart, groceries, or play at the park).  If we don't go out here it makes the day a little long.

12:00 - We aim to come home for lunch by this time and the boys have lunch, play around a little, and then go down for 2nd nap.  Lunch typically is sandwich, or crackers with hummus, cheese, veggies, and apple or orange.

1:00/1:30 - Naptime.  I usually take a little break here and try to close my eyes for a few minutes at least, but this is also the best time if I need to do any work (emails, phone calls) or prepare dinner.

3:00 - Boys are up and have another bottle of milk (200mls).  There are not usually too many activities for one-year olds in the afternoon, so this is where we try to be creative.  It's quite a long stretch between now and naptime, so I try to break it up.  If it's not pouring rain, we usually go out for a good walk during this time.  If it is, we sometimes have someone over, or I have baby help to play with the boys while I do other household chores.  Or we go for a drive and go shopping.  Their dad usually comes home during this time and joins in the fun.

5:00 - Home for dinner.  The boys still eat dinner really early so we don't eat all together, which is something I am looking forward to.  They eat much better when we are eating too, but there is just no way I am organized or hungry for our dinner by 5pm.  Dinner is usually leftovers from whatever we ate the night before if the boys can eat it.  They're a bit more picky right now, but they still like baby mush (jar food), pasta, sometimes squash and sweet potato.  Finding ways to serve them meat is the challenge.  I hope they soon start to feed themselves too...

5:30/6:00 - After dinner they have their final playtime.  These last few hours are the "crazy hours" where they are active, needy, whiny, and just need to burn off energy!  A few times we have gone to the park, but since it's fall now, it's usually too dark/wet.  All the toys get played with and thrown around until finally it's time to get ready for bed.

6:00/6:30 - Bedtime routine - We only bath them every second night (though they LOVE their bath).  Bedtime routine is bath, diaper, PJs, bottle (180mLs formula), story, sleepsac, soother, and bed.  They usually go down no problem!  Depending on how their last nap went, they usually are asleep by 6:30/7:00.  And we are exhausted!!!

But it's not over yet.... I like to do a quick tidy once we put them down so at least the toys are put away.  Then we finally eat our dinner.  Then it's time to do final dishes cleanup, sweep and mop the floors (they get so dirty every single day from these boys now), prepare food for the next day (usually just planning and pulling out meat), finish drying/folding laundry (it never gets put away on time) and get ready to start all over again in the morning.  That usually takes me till 8:30/9:00 when I finally put on the kettle for a cup of tea to enjoy, check my email, and cuddle up to watch some TV.  I try to be in bed by 10pm, just in case there are night wakings or an early start.

And that's about it.

As you can see, it is so busy just managing the day-to-day that I still find it tricky to fit in any "extra" chores/jobs/activities.  That is something I really want to focus on especially as we come to the new year.  I find that all day I am planning and preparing for what is next, but I'd like to be able to just breathe a little bit more and live in the moment.  Now that I have started work, there is a whole new dynamic (that I'll write about on a different day).  But I do enjoy it all.  I love doing all the tasks that keep my family running.  I'm still learning how to adjust to this as my "new normal" but I think we're doing a pretty good job at managing so far.

Thoughts?  Any suggestions or stories to share about how your day looks?