Tuesday, August 11, 2015
Sunday, May 10, 2015
Remember and Honour
Mother's Day...
The day that brings me back to this space. While joyous, it awakens the smart of a sting of pain that will never fully heal. It reminds me of those who are still in pain, longing and grief.
I am so grateful for my boys. But I never, ever, will forget what it was like to wait for them to come.
When I was young (really, I'm not that old to be using that phrase but it's true), Mother's Day was different. Sure, we made a crappy breakfast in bed and drew cards in school for our mom. But there wasn't this hyper-awareness to celebrate ALL women who had joined the ranks of motherhood. On Mother's Day, you, the kid, celebrated YOUR mom. You didn't celebrate other moms. Your dad didn't dote on mom on your behalf. You didn't designate the whole day to "pampering" and sending her away to the spa. It was just nice, and simple, and honouring in whatever way you saw fit. Now as a mom it's different. There's this comparison... this pressure... "What are you doing for Mother's Day?" "Are you taking the day off?" "Will you spend the day at the spa?"
Today is mixed for me. Not even mixed... I still have a place in my heart that doesn't want to celebrate. But I will remember. And I will love my boys like never before.
* * * * *
The day that brings me back to this space. While joyous, it awakens the smart of a sting of pain that will never fully heal. It reminds me of those who are still in pain, longing and grief.
I am so grateful for my boys. But I never, ever, will forget what it was like to wait for them to come.
When I was young (really, I'm not that old to be using that phrase but it's true), Mother's Day was different. Sure, we made a crappy breakfast in bed and drew cards in school for our mom. But there wasn't this hyper-awareness to celebrate ALL women who had joined the ranks of motherhood. On Mother's Day, you, the kid, celebrated YOUR mom. You didn't celebrate other moms. Your dad didn't dote on mom on your behalf. You didn't designate the whole day to "pampering" and sending her away to the spa. It was just nice, and simple, and honouring in whatever way you saw fit. Now as a mom it's different. There's this comparison... this pressure... "What are you doing for Mother's Day?" "Are you taking the day off?" "Will you spend the day at the spa?"
Today is mixed for me. Not even mixed... I still have a place in my heart that doesn't want to celebrate. But I will remember. And I will love my boys like never before.
* * * * *
To those who gave birth this year to their first child—we celebrate with you
To those who lost a child this year – we mourn with you
To those who are in the trenches with little ones every day and wear the badge of food stains – we appreciate you
To those who experienced loss this year through miscarriage, failed adoptions, or running away—we mourn with you
To
those who walk the hard path of infertility, fraught with pokes, prods,
tears, and disappointment – we walk with you. Forgive us when we say
foolish things. We don’t mean to make this harder than it is.
To those who are foster moms, mentor moms, and spiritual moms – we need you
To those who have warm and close relationships with your children – we celebrate with you
To those who have disappointment, heartache, and distance with your children – we sit with you
To those who lost their mothers this year – we grieve with you
To those who experienced abuse at the hands of your own mother – we acknowledge your experience
To
those who lived through driving tests, medical tests, and the overall
testing of motherhood – we are better for having you in our midst
To those who will have emptier nests in the upcoming year – we grieve and rejoice with you
And to those who are pregnant with new life, both expected and surprising –we anticipate with you
This
Mother’s Day, we walk with you. Mothering is not for the faint of heart
and we have real warriors in our midst. We remember you.
Tuesday, April 21, 2015
Infertility sucks
Just thought I'd poke my head in and drop a little note.
I've had a hard week on the fertility front. A friend of mine recently became pregnant with her second. She is the first in our baby group to have her second. She had a previous miscarriage so was anxious about the first ultrasound. When she reached out for support and encouragement it was hard for me, and that shocked me. I guess it was because of the ease she had in becoming pregnant with her second...
For me, I am filled with fear, not knowing how hard it will be to conceive again.
Hubby doesn't quite get it. He says we'll just try and "see what happens." But allowing ourselves to "try" means the possibility of it not working... and that would mean facing all the rest.
I just want it to happen without having to face all the rest.
I want to go back and be naive and carefree and be surprised if it did happen.
But I can't.
Infertility sucks.
Though we are not officially "trying" I am working to get my body in health and shape. Part of that for me includes acupuncture.
I had a visit yesterday and she did a few deep needles in my abdomen. I instantly felt a tenderness and almost a bridging to my fertility. I relaxed into the treatment, but partway through the sensation in my abdomen began to increase, to the point where I felt uncomfortable, almost stabbing cramping pains. I called her in and as she was coming in, I felt a surge of anxiety and it felt like my abdomen was on fire with heat. She assured me that it was fine and took the needles out, letting me know that it was a release.
There is a book called "The Body Remembers." It's about the way that the body holds onto trauma and the muscles have memory of traumatic experiences. I felt like that treatment activated the trauma I faced during my pregnancy and in my bleeding afterwards. I let my tears fell, and I felt like it was an honouring of my experience. I hope that it was a release.
I don't know where this journey will take us next.
I'll keep you posted.
I've had a hard week on the fertility front. A friend of mine recently became pregnant with her second. She is the first in our baby group to have her second. She had a previous miscarriage so was anxious about the first ultrasound. When she reached out for support and encouragement it was hard for me, and that shocked me. I guess it was because of the ease she had in becoming pregnant with her second...
For me, I am filled with fear, not knowing how hard it will be to conceive again.
Hubby doesn't quite get it. He says we'll just try and "see what happens." But allowing ourselves to "try" means the possibility of it not working... and that would mean facing all the rest.
I just want it to happen without having to face all the rest.
I want to go back and be naive and carefree and be surprised if it did happen.
But I can't.
Infertility sucks.
Though we are not officially "trying" I am working to get my body in health and shape. Part of that for me includes acupuncture.
I had a visit yesterday and she did a few deep needles in my abdomen. I instantly felt a tenderness and almost a bridging to my fertility. I relaxed into the treatment, but partway through the sensation in my abdomen began to increase, to the point where I felt uncomfortable, almost stabbing cramping pains. I called her in and as she was coming in, I felt a surge of anxiety and it felt like my abdomen was on fire with heat. She assured me that it was fine and took the needles out, letting me know that it was a release.
There is a book called "The Body Remembers." It's about the way that the body holds onto trauma and the muscles have memory of traumatic experiences. I felt like that treatment activated the trauma I faced during my pregnancy and in my bleeding afterwards. I let my tears fell, and I felt like it was an honouring of my experience. I hope that it was a release.
I don't know where this journey will take us next.
I'll keep you posted.
Friday, March 20, 2015
March ICLW
Hey!
I'll be participating in the March ICLW over on my other blog: Wild Island Love
There will be lots of goodies on raising twins, parenting, sleep training, and more. So come on over and check it out!
Oh, and if you want to get involved with ICLW, you can sign up here. The more, the merrier!
I'll be participating in the March ICLW over on my other blog: Wild Island Love
There will be lots of goodies on raising twins, parenting, sleep training, and more. So come on over and check it out!
Oh, and if you want to get involved with ICLW, you can sign up here. The more, the merrier!
Friday, February 27, 2015
Friday's Thoughts
This week has been insane. My mind is just a blur. A blur that I can't quite turn off. So here I am to share my random thoughts with you all.
1. Hubby and I have not had a single night to ourselves ALL week. Every single night since... maybe last Saturday one of us has been out. Usually that means the one left home is doing dinner, clean-up, putting the boys to bed, post-bed clean-up and prep for the next day all to themselves. Or I'm coming home to cleaning and prepping to be done since I kind of run that show. It's been exhausting. And lonely. I miss my man.
2. However, this weekend DH and I are GOING AWAY FOR A NIGHT TO OURSELVES! This is a BIG deal folks. We haven't had a night away (without the kids) since before I went on bed rest while I was pregnant. I've been wanting to for months, but DH didn't feel ready to leave the boys with anyone else (I was fine with it lol). But, we bought tickets to a concert months ago, and were planning to bring the boys and have DH's brother and wife watch them. Instead, we decided that since my mom was free, we would leave the boys at home with her, and enjoy the night away to ourselves. I am So. Freaking. Excited!
3. For the concert we are heading down island 3 hours to the city where our fertility treatments were conducted and I spent 7 weeks in the hospital. I haven't really been back there (besides one quick doctor's visit) since the boys were born. Even thinking about it is bringing up all sorts of emotions. But not the bad, bedrest, hospital stay emotions that were at the forefront before. I've more been remembering the excitement and anticipation of going for fertility treatments. I think it has to do with the fact that we are TTC again. At the moment, all the pain and frustration and feelings of futility have vanished and I am just remembering the expectation and hope. Maybe I'm trying to summon those feelings back again. It's actually a really nice place to be.
4. Which leads me to the next point... TTC! I am officially IUD-FREE! The first thing my doctor said when I went for my appointment was, "So, you're trying to get pregnant?" I guess that IS the reason people have their IUD removed, but with all of our history, the question caught me off guard. I went into this rambly, long explanation about our history before realizing I could have just answered the question with a simple yes.
5. But... DH and I haven't really talked about TTC. I mean, don't get me wrong...he was totally on board with my removing the IUD, but I don't think he has really thought about what this actually means, or could mean for us and our family. He is kind of the after-thought processor. He doesn't really process things until after they happen, and then he freaks out. I hope we have a chance to really talk while we are away. Or forget the talking and just get to business and see what happens, lol!
Well, it's not even 9pm but my eyes are starting to get blurry and shut down... It's been a Loonnnng week. I'm ready to curl up, get a good night's sleep and enjoy my weekend. TTYL!
P.S. I have a new post on my other blog... check it out!
1. Hubby and I have not had a single night to ourselves ALL week. Every single night since... maybe last Saturday one of us has been out. Usually that means the one left home is doing dinner, clean-up, putting the boys to bed, post-bed clean-up and prep for the next day all to themselves. Or I'm coming home to cleaning and prepping to be done since I kind of run that show. It's been exhausting. And lonely. I miss my man.
2. However, this weekend DH and I are GOING AWAY FOR A NIGHT TO OURSELVES! This is a BIG deal folks. We haven't had a night away (without the kids) since before I went on bed rest while I was pregnant. I've been wanting to for months, but DH didn't feel ready to leave the boys with anyone else (I was fine with it lol). But, we bought tickets to a concert months ago, and were planning to bring the boys and have DH's brother and wife watch them. Instead, we decided that since my mom was free, we would leave the boys at home with her, and enjoy the night away to ourselves. I am So. Freaking. Excited!
3. For the concert we are heading down island 3 hours to the city where our fertility treatments were conducted and I spent 7 weeks in the hospital. I haven't really been back there (besides one quick doctor's visit) since the boys were born. Even thinking about it is bringing up all sorts of emotions. But not the bad, bedrest, hospital stay emotions that were at the forefront before. I've more been remembering the excitement and anticipation of going for fertility treatments. I think it has to do with the fact that we are TTC again. At the moment, all the pain and frustration and feelings of futility have vanished and I am just remembering the expectation and hope. Maybe I'm trying to summon those feelings back again. It's actually a really nice place to be.
4. Which leads me to the next point... TTC! I am officially IUD-FREE! The first thing my doctor said when I went for my appointment was, "So, you're trying to get pregnant?" I guess that IS the reason people have their IUD removed, but with all of our history, the question caught me off guard. I went into this rambly, long explanation about our history before realizing I could have just answered the question with a simple yes.
5. But... DH and I haven't really talked about TTC. I mean, don't get me wrong...he was totally on board with my removing the IUD, but I don't think he has really thought about what this actually means, or could mean for us and our family. He is kind of the after-thought processor. He doesn't really process things until after they happen, and then he freaks out. I hope we have a chance to really talk while we are away. Or forget the talking and just get to business and see what happens, lol!
Well, it's not even 9pm but my eyes are starting to get blurry and shut down... It's been a Loonnnng week. I'm ready to curl up, get a good night's sleep and enjoy my weekend. TTYL!
P.S. I have a new post on my other blog... check it out!
Monday, February 23, 2015
TTC... again...
Lately I have come to realize that I am not alone in the blogosphere in how I am feeling. I think there is a phenomena that needs a name. There are many around me who are struggling with difficult feelings after going through infertility, conceiving, giving birth, and then being faced with whether or not to TTC again. Hapa Hopes just wrote a post about this. Liz at Compromised Fertility recently found out she is expecting after having twins. Lanie just gave birth to her second, a "natural" pregnancy after not knowing whether she would be able to conceive on her own again. It's not quite secondary infertility, because either we are just starting to TTC, or deciding whether we want to, and not sure if we will be faced with infertility again. We are not all at the same stage, and yet the feelings are similar. It brings up a whole whack of emotions that I know were unexpected for myself. The fears, the uncertainty, the jealousy, the loneliness... it's all there again. I don't know what the answer is, but knowing that others feel the same helps.
I had my IUD removed today.
Cue freak out!
What am I doing? I have 16-month old, very demanding, very busy twin boys. I'm sitting here drinking tea, "ignoring" one of my boys who decided not to nap during the time I desperately needing alone time, thinking what it would be like to never get alone time again. Okay, well not for a lonnnng time. I don't know if I am ready to be pregnant again.
The doctor said that there is sometimes a super-ovulation phase after taking out the IUD. My period just recently returned since stopping breastfeeding the boys. Technically, my chances are "up." I know it's not a guarantee. We may not be able to get pregnant again. But we might. And what if we did... soon?
What if I had complications like the last pregnancy? What if I ended up on bedrest while caring for 2-year old twin terrors? What if we try and try and don't get pregnant. Then what?
Clearly, you can see that I am conflicted. But deep down, I think I do want it to happen. Otherwise I could have postponed taking out the IUD. But I didn't. And so... we will see...
I had my IUD removed today.
Cue freak out!
What am I doing? I have 16-month old, very demanding, very busy twin boys. I'm sitting here drinking tea, "ignoring" one of my boys who decided not to nap during the time I desperately needing alone time, thinking what it would be like to never get alone time again. Okay, well not for a lonnnng time. I don't know if I am ready to be pregnant again.
The doctor said that there is sometimes a super-ovulation phase after taking out the IUD. My period just recently returned since stopping breastfeeding the boys. Technically, my chances are "up." I know it's not a guarantee. We may not be able to get pregnant again. But we might. And what if we did... soon?
What if I had complications like the last pregnancy? What if I ended up on bedrest while caring for 2-year old twin terrors? What if we try and try and don't get pregnant. Then what?
Clearly, you can see that I am conflicted. But deep down, I think I do want it to happen. Otherwise I could have postponed taking out the IUD. But I didn't. And so... we will see...
Friday, February 6, 2015
TTC after Pregnancy after Infertility
I feel like I haven't blogged about anything "real" in a long time. What I mean by "real" is my own personal thoughts and feelings. Yet lately this blog land space has been on my mind. I miss it.
I've also had a lot of thoughts regarding infertility on my mind again. So here we go.
Is it just me, or are a lot of people in the blogosphere finding themselves suddenly pregnant after pregnancy after infertility? Maybe it's just the friends who I follow on here, but it seems to be a common theme. That, or the decision to TTC for a second time. And that's where I find myself. No, not pregnant, but trying to decide whether to TTC again.
Our boys are nearly 16 months old. Which, if we suddenly found ourselves pregnant, would give us a new baby right after the twins enter their terrible twos. Are we not CRAZY for even considering that? But I can't help it! The thought is suddenly consuming my mind. And I'm trying to figure out why it all of a sudden is so important to me.
Part of my brain has this notion that I can "trick" my body into getting pregnant easily again if I just try right away. I only recently got my period back (sort of), and maybe I can suddenly get pregnant before my body realizes it is infertile. Does that sound crazy? I know I have heard others who feel the same way. And I have seen it work! So in a way, I feel like the pressure is on and I need to get on this fast before I lose my chance...
It may also be that the boys are definitely NOT babies anymore. We have full-on toddlers in the house. Which is wonderful, and fun, and exciting, and exhausting! But I miss my babies. And I feel like I want to experience all those beautiful baby stages again... this time not in shock and not while recovering from a fairly traumatic pregnancy/birth experience.
That is part of it too. I can't help but want a normal pregnancy/birth experience. I definitely feel like carrying twins, plus being on bed rest, plus having tons of bleeding/pregnancy complications, plus the NICU, plus post-partum hemorrhage was NOT the normal experience. It's not that I'm ungrateful for my experience, but I just wonder what it would be like to experience a pregnancy without all the complications... or has infertility and my trauma ruined me of that?
I also think that if we do have a third child, I want him/her to be close in age to the boys, so that he/she is not a third wheel and left out all the time. I feel like a child closer in age would allow them to break out of their "twinship" and befriend the other sibling more. I don't know if we would go for a fourth, so that may be all we have.
I don't even know for sure if we want a third child. We are a pretty happy family as it is. I just can't stop thinking of trying for another one...
There will be no surprises for a while, as I still have the IUD. We jumped on the birth control wagon as soon as we could since we really didn't want a surprise right away. The shock of parenting newborn twins just scared us too much! I'm back on a waitlist to see my OB and have the IUD removed, so this isn't going to happen anytime too soon. I'm really just trying to figure out if it is what I want.
Okay, I know it is what I want. I'm just trying to figure out if the reasons for me wanting it are rational and reasonable.
So there you have it. Oh, and can I just say that infertility definitely has changed sex for us forever (or at least it seems so!). Yes, there are still those spontaneous, fun, enjoyable times... but how bad is it that when I go to the bathroom and see some ripe CM sitting there, my first thought is, "WE NEED TO HAVE SEX RIGHT NOW!" before realizing that I'm on birth control and not even capable of getting pregnant. Yet it was like an uncontrollable urge! I'm pretty sure that's not exactly how sex was designed to be.
I've also had a lot of thoughts regarding infertility on my mind again. So here we go.
Is it just me, or are a lot of people in the blogosphere finding themselves suddenly pregnant after pregnancy after infertility? Maybe it's just the friends who I follow on here, but it seems to be a common theme. That, or the decision to TTC for a second time. And that's where I find myself. No, not pregnant, but trying to decide whether to TTC again.
Our boys are nearly 16 months old. Which, if we suddenly found ourselves pregnant, would give us a new baby right after the twins enter their terrible twos. Are we not CRAZY for even considering that? But I can't help it! The thought is suddenly consuming my mind. And I'm trying to figure out why it all of a sudden is so important to me.
Part of my brain has this notion that I can "trick" my body into getting pregnant easily again if I just try right away. I only recently got my period back (sort of), and maybe I can suddenly get pregnant before my body realizes it is infertile. Does that sound crazy? I know I have heard others who feel the same way. And I have seen it work! So in a way, I feel like the pressure is on and I need to get on this fast before I lose my chance...
It may also be that the boys are definitely NOT babies anymore. We have full-on toddlers in the house. Which is wonderful, and fun, and exciting, and exhausting! But I miss my babies. And I feel like I want to experience all those beautiful baby stages again... this time not in shock and not while recovering from a fairly traumatic pregnancy/birth experience.
That is part of it too. I can't help but want a normal pregnancy/birth experience. I definitely feel like carrying twins, plus being on bed rest, plus having tons of bleeding/pregnancy complications, plus the NICU, plus post-partum hemorrhage was NOT the normal experience. It's not that I'm ungrateful for my experience, but I just wonder what it would be like to experience a pregnancy without all the complications... or has infertility and my trauma ruined me of that?
I also think that if we do have a third child, I want him/her to be close in age to the boys, so that he/she is not a third wheel and left out all the time. I feel like a child closer in age would allow them to break out of their "twinship" and befriend the other sibling more. I don't know if we would go for a fourth, so that may be all we have.
I don't even know for sure if we want a third child. We are a pretty happy family as it is. I just can't stop thinking of trying for another one...
There will be no surprises for a while, as I still have the IUD. We jumped on the birth control wagon as soon as we could since we really didn't want a surprise right away. The shock of parenting newborn twins just scared us too much! I'm back on a waitlist to see my OB and have the IUD removed, so this isn't going to happen anytime too soon. I'm really just trying to figure out if it is what I want.
Okay, I know it is what I want. I'm just trying to figure out if the reasons for me wanting it are rational and reasonable.
So there you have it. Oh, and can I just say that infertility definitely has changed sex for us forever (or at least it seems so!). Yes, there are still those spontaneous, fun, enjoyable times... but how bad is it that when I go to the bathroom and see some ripe CM sitting there, my first thought is, "WE NEED TO HAVE SEX RIGHT NOW!" before realizing that I'm on birth control and not even capable of getting pregnant. Yet it was like an uncontrollable urge! I'm pretty sure that's not exactly how sex was designed to be.
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