Infertility is not a formula

There is one thing I had forgotten about clomid.  It turns my stomach into a ravenous, never-fulfilled, bottomless pit of hunger.  No wonder I gained so much weight last year!  I hadn't realized how bad it was since I had been on clomid for about 6 months.  Once I was off of it for 3 months, I started shrinking back to my original size, and having the energy to exercise, and the willpower to not eat everything in sight.  It was like my normal self came back.  And now... back on clomid, day 8 of my cycle.  And my hunger is never-ending!  It's not like my stomach is growling all the time, but I just never feel full and I always want to eat more.  I've decided it's not emotional eating (though I know I'm guilty of that sometimes).  This is just plain old wanting to eat ALWAYS!  Also my energy levels are declining and it is SO MUCH WORK to go to the gym right now.  Coincidence, or clomid?  I think clomid.  Most people I read about on the blogs don't seem to take clomid, and those that do don't seem to have the same symptoms as me.  I wondered if it was all in my head, but for this round I am seeing such a drastic change in everything (energy, mood, emotions, appetite), that I have to chalk some of it up to the clomid.

Oh, and I went to the dentist and not only do I have to have a crown replaced (that was put in by a different terrible dentist a few years ago), but I am holding a lot of my stress/tension in my jaw and grinding my teeth.  Wonderful.

When I stop to think about it, I don't necessarily feel like I am stressed about TTC all the time.  However, it is lying just under the surface and so it is kind of like a rash that never really goes away and is always there waiting for some sort of trigger to show it's ugly face again.  And when those triggers come, the stress bubbles right out.  I wonder about this in relation to the whole "just relax" debate about infertility.  At this point in our journey, I feel like it is absolutely impossible to "relax" and give up the desire to try.  We are so far invested and even if I wanted to pull out, I don't think I could.  Yet I do see the danger in trying and wanting something so much.  Of course that must put stress on the body in ways we can't see or imagine.  But I don't know the solution!  I've tried my fair share of "relaxation" exercises for infertility.  Tried yoga.  Tried acupuncture.  Tried long walks.  Tried giving up caffeine and alcohol.  Tried it all.  Yet these things do not get to the root of the problem of stress.  They may provide a temporary feeling of relaxation, but they do not target the depths of where the disease lies.  I don't know how to get to that part and find peace there.  I do think that when people get spontaneously pregnant after deciding to adopt it is related to this.  I just don't know how.

A friend we used to know was not able to get pregnant.  They adopted 2 kids and those kids are grown up, probably around 6 and 8 years old.  The mother is probably in her mid-40s.  You know how you hear that women sometimes become extra fertile as they near menopause?  Well, surprisingly, she got pregnant and just recently delivered the baby that she had always wanted.  I don't understand that!  How come for so many years they couldn't get pregnant, and then they did?  I like things that are scientific and follow formulas.  Infertility does not.