I woke up this morning to a big drop in my BBT. Great. Then I went to the washroom to find that AF decided to make an appearance. Double great.
Today was testing day. I'm so glad I didn't waste another damn $15 on testing early yesterday. I still had to go for the blood test today. I was not a happy camper. I think the nurse at the lab must have been able to tell because as she took my blood she asked me, "So is this going to be a positive." I said no. End of conversation.
I have a million thoughts flowing through my head, and nothing all at the same time.
Yesterday my friend commented that at least I was not numb to my emotions. Today I want to be numb. I wish numbness could take over instead of pain. When I showed up at work, I realized this is going to be harder than I thought. I feel like a ticking time bomb of emotions that are bound to bubble out at some point in time. I wish I could go home, pull the covers over my head, and never leave my bed again.
For lack of coherency in my thinking, I'm just going to jot down all the things running around inside my head. Maybe that will help give me some perspective. Maybe not.
- Well, this means that I can have wine when I go out for my friend's birthday on Friday night. I miss wine.
- What the heck am I going to do with myself once my job ends? I had a bum interview yesterday (I was overqualified for the job and it would have been more than half the amount of pay I am currently making). I don't want either of the two offers I have been extended. I only would have accepted them if I knew it would only be for a 9 month period until I was on mat leave. Now I don't want to do anything!
- How are we going to be able to afford adoption??? We are $20,000 in student loan debt, plus mortgage, plus credit card debt on top of that. We are NEVER going to be able to afford a kid. And I don't just want one kid... I want a few.
- We should plan a vacation for Christmas. Somewhere hot and sunny and stress free. Wait, we need to save our money because we don't have the luxury of just *surprise* having a kid... we have to PAY FOR ONE!
- Maybe we will change our mind and decide we can go through with more cycles of treatment. Right now it just seems like a big waste.
- Are we failing if we decide to give up "trying" to get pregnant?
- Who can we talk to about finding out WHY this is not working. There must be something more they can do to pinpoint where the problem is so we're not worthlessly throwing out money on treatments that aren't going to work.
- I know, I know... I should talk to a counsellor or something. I've said this before, but it's not that easy to find a counsellor you can trust when you ARE a counsellor practicing in a small town. And I don't just want any counsellor. I want one who understands the struggles of infertility. Plus, I don't even know if that would help where I'm at right now. I don't need to talk more. I just want to feel better.
- My sister's baby is due in exactly one month. My baby would have been due approx. one month after that. My best friend's would have been due 2 months after that. This sucks!
- I feel like everything is going to shit. My job is ending. I am not pregnant and may not ever be. Things at DH's job are going through some tough hurdles. What is there to live for right now?
- I should just go home and clean my house. That will give me some semblance of control.
- I don't even want to clean my house. Who even cares?
- I'm totally drinking as much coffee and wine as I want. I'm not doing stupid acupuncture anymore. I will eat bread and dairy and red meat. Heck, I'm just going to enjoy myself and do whatever the hell I want.
- But I want to be thin...
- What do we do now?
So there you have it folks. I'm a sad bastard of a human being right now. I guess I had more hope that this would work than I realized.
I'm so sorry....it's a crappy place to be....allow yourself to grieve, but always remember you are a wonderful person who deserves to be happy....I believe that about you....Sending you hugs!
ReplyDeleteI am so so sorry. I hope you find a moment today to pamper yourself in whatever way feels best (wine? bread? loud music? sobfest? whatever seems the best at the time). I think your thoughts are not only normally but incredibly healthy and agree with your friend, the fact that you aren't numb to them will allow you to process and heal.
ReplyDeleteThinking of you.
Hello, I just want you to know that you are not alone. My name is Ruchi and I have been reading your blog for sometime. I am struggling with infertility and I share many of the same emotions as you month after month. I want you to know that you have helped me. You have helped me cope, just by sharing your life story. I just completed my 3rd iui and AF came on Monday. I was devastated. I couldn't stop crying but I had to buck up and go to work. I have unexplained infertility, everything works like clockwork, but obviously doesn't work enough to get me pregnant! Anyways, if you ever want to connect, email me at rumahajan@hotmail.com. We could at least support each other.
ReplyDeleteOh, honey. Please don't be so hard on yourself. I'm so sorry the treatment didn't work. What a horrible day to wake up to BBT drop, AF, and now all these thoughts. And no, it's not failure if you decide to stop trying. Everyone needs to re-evaluate at some point when it's not working right. Maybe it means to move onto IVF, maybe this means to move onto adoption, and maybe God is working the plan out for you. I was happiest in my TTC journey when I finally felt okay with it not working. I guess I got desensitized to it not working. It was honestly harder on me when I thought with all my heart that the treatments would work. I said one more IVF and then it's adoption for me. I started drinking wine again, laughing more often, said screw the fertility diet, said "eff acupuncture" and started being easier on myself. I made a new plan and moved on. God had other plans for me and for some reason I feel like THIS baby was worth the two year wait. I feel like I had to hold out for my something special. So when God is saying not right now, maybe it's because there's something really special in the works for you.
ReplyDeleteClean your house, drink your wine, make a plan with your hubby. Enjoy life as much as you can and just KNOW that this is going to work out for you one way or another. And definitely just take today to mourn. And tomorrow, and however long you need. This is tough stuff. Be easy on yourself.
Many hugs.
*Hug*
ReplyDeleteI don't have many words these days, just wanted to let you know I'm thinking of you. ::hugs::
ReplyDeleteI've been here. Had all these questions and been filled with the panic because of infertility. It sucks, all of it. Not knowing what to do, who to turn to and on top of it, how to deal as it's affecting every aspect of life.
ReplyDeleteI wish I knew what to tell you to get through this. What the magical solution was. I will say this: do what you need to do. If that means not cleaning the house, drinking wine, enjoying bread and cheese with a good steak, do it. If it also means planning vacation, do that too. Don't put off methods of healing because of this.
One final thing: you asked if you were failing if you guys decide to give up "trying" to get pregnant. I'll answer that question with a question: do you consider me a failure? Instead of focusing on treatment and TTC, Grey and I have decided to get off the treatment rollercoaster and prepare for adoption. Was that decision easy? No. But I don't view us as being failures because of it.
Hang in there.
Oh sweetie, my heart breaks for you. I get the panic and despair you're feeling, but I don't know how to make it any better.
ReplyDeleteActually, I'm going to shoot you an email real quick. Not that I'm going to make anything any better, but whatevs.
Awe. :| Can I FedEx you an overnight hug?? I'm truly so sorry this has happened to you. I totally understand every thing you said, all your anger, all your frustration. I feel it and know how real and deep that really is inside. All I'm going to say is let your self be pissed off. . . Sometimes that's the only way I've been able to get through stuff. I stay pissed off for a bit, and then somehow I emerge from the trenches and feel better, not fully better, but better than I did. I wish we lived close, I'd take you out for a drink and a night of therapeutic girl/infertility talk :) Many, many hugs to you, Love!! if you ever need to talk or vent - you can always email me at crito46@gmail.com :)
ReplyDelete