So, is there a handbook on how to go through infertility without it affecting your marital relationship in negative ways??? I really wish I had a 5-step plan to follow right about now.
Last week was really tough. I flip-flopped back and forth and up and down and couldn't seem to level myself out. On top of that I was sick. On top of that DH picked up a part-time job (on top of his full-time job) while he is under the deadline of finishing a bunch of assignments by the end of September... Basically, it was a recipe for disaster.
The blow-out took place on Sunday. It wasn't even a fight. It was just an "I've had enough of you and I need some space but since we're together we'll bicker it out" sort of episode. Yet there were hurtful things said (more from him than me, at least that's how I remember it). We've made up and everything is fine, but..
I always wonder if we are handling things "right." Like, if we're going to need major amounts of therapy 10 years from now due to the patterns we've built up and the fallout from how we are dealing with things right now. I don't know what is the right way to deal with things now. That always worries me.
Basically, it comes down to the fact that I'm not my normal happy self right now. I'm trying really hard to get back to that self that I was before. I am working my butt off to engage in the things that I know are good for me (exercise, social activities, helping others) and I can put on the happy face and even expose a level of honesty about our struggles with some people. But nobody knows the depths of our experience the way that DH does. So naturally, when I have some quality time alone with him, I want to talk about how things are. I want to wallow in the despair and have him meet me there and reassure his love for me. I want him to look at me in my struggles and in my darkest moment and say, "Even now I love you more than you'll ever know."
But he can't always do that. Oh yes, I know that deep down that is how he feels (or so I hope!), but he can't always express it. Or his own insecurities or judgments get in the way and he expresses the complete opposite of what I long for. I still trust him. I still have faith in our relationship. I believe that we will come through this together, and I hope that we will be stronger for it. But there are moments of wavering on that belief. And that is yet another "thing" that sucks about infertility.
After my 2nd loss, I was in a very dark place. I would come home and my body would start shaking, my anxiety was through the roof...I was so angry inside...I just felt horrible. Consequently, I would start a fight with hubby and it would end in a big huge blow-out screaming match. Luckily (I guess you could say that) we had a therapy appointment booked before the loss with the fertility clinic's counselor. This visit is a mandatory part of the fertility testing. It wasn't until she was there telling hubby that I was clinically depressed and that he needed to take me to emerg if I ever exhibit the signs I was exhibiting again did he really 'get-it'. For me, a change occured a couple of months after all the testing was done. I realized that I couldn't control the situation anymore and that what was meant to be will be basically. I felt at peace...but it took me a long ways to get there.
ReplyDeleteIt sounds like you and your hubby are going through a similar time. Just be good to yourselves as best as possible. Hopefully one day soon the light will come on and it will all fall into place. I think in times of grief you aren't really capable of developing bad habits because you wont really remember this time...I know for me...I really don't remember the time I was hurting so bad..like not the day to day stuff.
*hugs*
IF really does it's best to wreak havoc on a couple....Maybe you two would benefit from some sort of therapy...Instead of waiting 10 years....Jump on it now so you two can find a way to communicate the feelings between you. I know it's done a lot for my husband and I. Sending hugs and love your way....
ReplyDeleteOh, it's so hard, for everyone. You are not alone in your feelings. I remember feeling so sad about our relationship. We didn't fight a lot, but...it was very sad times, it broke my heart. We were just shells of the vibrant people we once were. I longed to have that feeling of the first years of our marriage when we had no clue what challenges would lie ahead. I missed the innocence and pure bliss of not knowing about infertility and just thinking our life would go on as beautifully as our lives had started together.
ReplyDeleteYou WILL make it though. What I learned is...if I had to go through all that, and if I do again in the future, there is nobody else I would rather go through it with.
I can relate to you in so many ways. I swore up and down when we started this that I wouldn't let it change us as a couple like I had seen it do to many others but yet...it did and has changed us. We are okay and we are in a good place but I know just how you feel. Hang in there...you will get through this ((HUGS))
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