I just wanted to say thank you to everyone for the kind comments and thoughts and prayers. You really don't know how much it means for me to sign on and see that someone has left a little note.
I survived today alright. Last night I had to go out for a meeting at church. One of my friends who was going to the meeting had texted me. She is a new friend and went through infertility and IUI with a donor sperm to get her rainbow baby. Anyways, she found out that my cycle was negative and brought me a batch of homemade brownies! How sweet is that. She also told me that when she got her negative, she stayed home and cried all night long. That made me feel a bit better and though I was exhausted last night, I was glad I had gone out and sought support from a few friends at the meeting.
I feel so wiped today too. I guess it's a combo from the weekend camping, the BFN, busy work week, and lots of blood loss (I don't know why but it's a lot this time). I don't feel quite as panicked as I did yesterday, but a lot of those thoughts are still there. I really feel like I need to mourn, but I can't cry. I try and try, but right now I can't. I think that once this week is over and I finally "stop" the emotions will flood in. I'm trying to not plan too much so that I can let this weekend be what it needs to.
One note I wanted to make about the comment about feeling like I am giving up. I do not think that stopping TTC is giving up at all! I honestly also plan to pursue adoption, whether we get pregnant on our own or not. So that is NOT giving up. I think I feel some guilt, or something, because we DID get pregnant through IUI. Sure, the pregnancy failed, but we did it. I feel like stopping trying, when there is still a chance we could achieve pregnancy is failure. Does that make sense? I almost would rather have been told that there was no way on earth that we were ever going to be able to get pregnant. I'd be able to mourn it and move on. This way, I feel there will always be this chance of hope hanging over me. The "what if.... we did one more IUI and got pregnant?" You know? That is why I have such a hard time reconciling this and stopping, even though everything in me is crying out to just stop. To give in. To give up. To stop this madness of trying to conceive!
I get where you're coming from. It's hard to think about moving on when you have been able to achieve pregnancy. It's almost feels like you're not trying hard enough and that if you just give it one more try that it could all work out. The thing is, only you and your DH can make this decision. I would never tell someone to stop treatments unless there was proof that they were harming themselves or their partner in the process. I truly believe that their are no absolute right vs. wrong decisions in the process, only what's right for the couple. Still, it doesn't make this any easier.
ReplyDeleteI'm glad you're feeling better today. And the gift of the brownies was incredibly sweet! What a wonderful thing.
Be good to yourself.
Oh hun, i am sorry this cycle didnt work out for you. I can totally relate to the feelings you are having. Be kind to yourself and do what you need to do. Myabe it is giving yourselves a break or pursuing adoption...but whatever choice you make trust that something positive will happen eventually. HUGS!!
ReplyDeleteOh hun, i am sorry this cycle didnt work out for you. I can totally relate to the feelings you are having. Be kind to yourself and do what you need to do. Myabe it is giving yourselves a break or pursuing adoption...but whatever choice you make trust that something positive will happen eventually. HUGS!!
ReplyDeleteI think all of us have thought we would rather be told a clearcut "you can't get pregnant", so we could find some peace and move on to other options, because when is enough enough? You can never know what is in store for you, and that is what makes it so hard. The hope of "what if we try one more time?". So that makes complete sense! But you will know in your heart when it is time to stop treatments. Or you could pick a number and make a plan, so as you grow closer, you know eventually those other options are going to open up. I was really hesitant to start adoption processes without knowing in my heart i was done ttc.
ReplyDeleteIt's easier to think it would be easier if there was a definite answer....I never got an answer as to why we were only able to have chemical pregnancies/early losses with IUI and never get pregnant on our own. We did move on to IVF and were successful, but again with no answers as to why it worked or didn't work, we have no idea if it will work again....
ReplyDeleteI'm praying for you and hoping you take this time to allow yourself to heal....sending you hugs!!