My life is a deck of cards

What to say?  What to say?

I wanted to give a little update that I am not in the depths of despair, though I certainly was on Saturday when I last wrote.  I also realized (of course, at the end of the day) that Saturday was CD5, which for when I was on clomid was the day from hell!  Maybe it wasn't so much the clomid, but maybe it was a huge hormone drop at the end of my period.  I don't know.  All I know is that I wanted to die on Saturday and not wake up again.

Fortunately, that feeling has not lasted.  I even had a pretty good day yesterday, despite all that is going on.

Have I mentioned how much I hate change/transition.  It just irks me and makes me so disagreeable!  Well my friends, we are right in the midst of it.  My job is ending in less than 3 weeks.  I do not have another job lined up at this point.  DH's job is not up in the air, but there is transition happening there too.  As a result, he took on a second job at a cafe, partially to be safe, partially for enjoyment (he wants to learn to roast coffee on a large scale).  So now our entire schedule/routine has been uprooted, AND we do not know what the future holds.  I described it to my friend as this: it's as if my life is a deck of cards, and that deck of cards has just been thrown up in the air and I have no idea how/where the cards are going to land.  I feel like I am watching them fall and can't do anything but wait for them to land in place.  And I HATE that feeling.  I want to plan.  I want to be in control.  I want to know what to expect.

However, though it may not be the most enjoyable time right now for me, I am surviving it.  I'm not having meltdowns every day.  I am finding bits of enjoyment here and there.  And I have hope that once the cards land, our lives will carry on and we will pursue what is next.

In other news, I am so so so so so frustrated over not feeling well.  I finally had my period and wanted to get on with life and lose weight and get back in control of my body.  But with my period, I felt so horrible and yucky that I couldn't do much.  And now since it's over, I have been fighting a flu or something and I can't seem to shake it.  All I want to do is go to the gym and have a huge sweat to let it all out!  I want to go running.  I want to go hiking.  I have all this drive and ambition, but my body is letting me down.  I've started eating healthier again.  (Side note: I actually heard a girl at the hairdressers talking about having ovarian cysts and she did a month of no cow products - milk, beef, etc. - and the cysts went WAY down in size.  So, just in case there is anything lingering around inside my uterus, I decided to try a month of no cow products, limiting caffeine once again, and limiting alcohol.).  Overall, I just want to be well and it is proving to be so difficult.  I want to have energy.  I want to be in shape (and look like it!).  If I can't have a baby, well damn, I want to be hot!