No emotion

Do you ever feel like you're just going through the motions of life, without any meaning?

These past few weeks I have been "good."  What I mean by that, is that I have not been sobbing in a mess of tears in my bed each night.  I have been going to work and doing a good job.  I've been hanging out with friends and being social again.  DH and I have been getting along great with no fights or tears.

But amidst it all, I feel so empty.  Everything I do is like a routine.  I do these things that I know I should enjoy but they do not provide any lasting fulfillment.  I'm not depressed, because I am able to get up and go out and have fun in the moment.  Just none of it lasts.

I've been trying to give myself time to grieve and experience my emotions.  I have purposefully not kept myself busy so that I have time to do what I need to.  I still have barely cried.  In a way, I feel like I have numbed over all my emotions.  The sad was too hard to deal with, so I've closed off.  I can't feel happy.  I can't feel excited.  I can't feel love.  We call kids who are like this "tuned out and turned off" in my field.  I feel like one of those kids.  I don't know what to do with myself next.  I just keep putting one foot in front of the other.  Or, as a friend of mine used to say: "Just keep swimming... just keep swimming..."

Time to knit

Homemade applesauce (apples from our trees)

Pecan caramel apple crumble pie (from scratch)!

Fall walks