Rough day

I don't even know what to say. I am tired. Exhausted, really. I've had a bad day. Even though there are lots of good things happening, underlying everything is this constant struggle and recognition that things ARE NOT OKAY. And every now and then it hits me hard. And it's like I can't control it. I melt down in some way or other. The thing is... I don't mind. I don't mind having little meltdowns here and there. I actually find it therapeutic not to have to pretend everything is okay all the time. Sometimes I just want to yell at the top of my lungs: "NO I AM NOT OKAY!" I give myself grace. I know my limits and I am pretty good at doing what I can handle. This time, though, it is DH who does not seem to get it. I know he doesn't want me to pretend, but he just wants me to be okay. And I'm not okay all the time. Most of the time I am... but when I'm not, he just doesn't seem to be able to handle it. So I feel even more alone.

Sigh. I'm sure tomorrow will be better. Today was hard. I interviewed for a maternity leave position. I do hope I get the job. But I wanted to be the girl going on maternity leave, and not the "fill in." My friend showed me the updates in their nursery for their baby that's due in January. I didn't even care, but pretended to. There were a few jokes about adopting kids (joking about naming kids of different nationalities by names that did not match) and they just made me angry. And yet, I had to smile and pretend I was having a good time all evening. Well, shit, I am done. I am through. And I don't care if I am grumpy at DH and if we don't talk the rest of the night (even though I am ovulating and we should be doing more than ignoring one another). It's been a rough day. And that is okay with me.

It came

Well, my old friend AF came to stay. :( Not much more to say about that. Right after I finished ranting the other day she showed up. I hoped it was maybe just light bleeding (maybe implantation?), but it was not. Sigh. I'm not overly heartbroken, just feeling like if this does not work, I don't know what will. The doctors say everything should be fine. I am in prime health condition. So why does it not work?

I don't want to be bitter, but I don't want to have to act like everything is okay when it's not. We're leaving on holidays tomorrow. We're visiting DH's parents and the place we used to live. I don't want to see any of my old friends. I don't want to pretend like it all is good. Even the ones that I can be honest with - I just don't want to. And I don't want any damn person asking me when we're going to start a family. I might just punch out the next person who says that. I just want to be left alone. Or possibly consoled by someone who understands. I'm very excited that the first 4 nights of our vacation are just hubby and me. I don't want to do anything. Don't want to talk if I don't feel like it. Want to sleep whenever I want. I just want to be.

We just found out that DH may be taking more responsibility with his job soon as his "boss" is taking a leave of absence. This is good, but I don't want it to cause him more stress. I just hoped we would have all "this" figured out before he took on more. Oh well. Trust the process. Maybe somewhere in the midst of this all, God has a plan? That's definitely more of a question than a statement.

So I will be out of touch for a few days here, relaxing, refreshing, and hopefully enjoying life a bit more.

Get 'er done

Once again, just checking in… I think this has been the worst TWW ever! I just am so conscious of every little symptom, and want to get excited, but don’t want to get my hopes up. Dealing with IF certainly ruins you for any “fun” in finding out you are PG. Today is day 28. No AF – not even any spotting! Certainly have been feeling “action” deep in the belly area. Kind of crampy, but not painful. DH described it as sounding like a coffee purculator. I thought that was a perfect description! I’ve had a super stuffy nose the last few weeks, especially at night. I have not been sleeping through the night, but have been up with insomnia. I have had this terrible pinched nerve in my neck that has come and gone the past 2 weeks. And this morning I felt nausea and a bit of heartburn as I lay in bed trying to get up.  Never have I been so excited to feel that. However, I had a major meltdown cry day yesterday, and I feel strikingly similar to how I normally do right before my AF. The only difference is the constant “percolating” happening. I figured that I ovulated a bit late (day 16?) based on my BBT, so I shouldn’t actually expect AF till day 30. But then we leave on holidays for a week so I won’t be able to have a blood test (if need be) until WAY later! And it would just suck for AF to show up right when my holidays start, especially when we’re camping. Oh, so much uncertainty and waiting right now! DH keeps saying he thinks that when we finally are PG, it is going to catch me off guard. I just don’t know how it could with all the many symptoms that I am keeping track of! Oh my!

I have to settle in the words that a good friend (mentor) passed on yesterday. She encouraged me to trust God in the process, meaning that we don’t see the whole picture. But how much do you rest and relax in the process, and when do you need to be active and “get ‘er done”? Anyways, only 3 more days till holiday. Holiday. Holiday. Holiday. I hope this is just what we need.

Progesterone?

Alright, time for a quick little recap. On Friday I had an acupuncture appointment with my ND at the office where I work. It was great, but she told me she had not yet received my Day 21 progesterone lab results, which I was anxious to see. However, I had brought the mail in and saw a confidential letter that I did not open. Then, later in the day, I saw the opened letter sitting in her pile where I put files and things for her. And I couldn't help but notice that it had my doctor's name on it... and then my name. So, I did a quick peek and saw my PG levels. Now, I am not sure if she had not opened the letter before my appointment, or opened it but wanted to research it, or didn't have time to discuss it with me... but it was pretty significant! Normal levels range between 0.0 and 20.0 (roughly). To conceive, you need sustained levels at 20. It is not common to go much higher. MY RESULTS WERE 235! 235! Now I am on clomid and if there are extra eggs I believe you have higher PG levels, but that is ridiculously high!!! So, of course, I spent all afternoon researching and reading to see what it could be. There is speculation that high PG occurs in pregnancy, but it is not a marker of it. My BBT has been normal (not extra high), but I have wondered in the past if I have too high PG because it seems to take a long time for my BBT to come down, even after my period has started (normally it should drop right as menstruation starts). There are also a lot of posts online about high PG levels and multiple births! But it's not scientific and just more heresay. Still, I am kind of freaking out! And, when I told my DH about it later that evening, he "remembered" that the doctor's office had called for me. Ahhhh!!!!! But the office was long closed, and now it is a long weekend and I have to wait till Tuesday to find out ANYTHING! Ahhhhhhh!!!!

At least I know I did for sure ovulate, and I have enough PG to sustain a pregnancy. But is a pregnancy there? I don't know! I have been feeling slightly nauseous lately. And today after being out for quite a while I felt a bit shaky and like I was going to puke, and had to lie down. I've also had some CM discharge which is odd for this time in my cycle. And a few nights I have felt like "something" is going on in my uterus area. But this could all be in my head. It's not the first time! I could just be tired. It could be from the clomid or progesterone. Or it just could be my period coming early. I can't get my hopes up, although I really, really want to this time around. I feel like if this doesn't work, I don't know what will (well, IVF will but I would much rather not enter that route...). Please God, please!!!!

The Process

So I went to visit a friend and her baby that was born today! I can't actually recall if I have ever met a real day-old baby like that before (I'm sure I have, just none that were that significant). Earlier today I was kicking myself, wondering why I had suggested to visit someone with a brand new baby... but somehow I really didn't mind. I even held the baby! I think I had been given some supernatural strength or something to not let this affect me. We had planned to bring over some meals and food so I had a purpose and that made it easier. Also, this is their 4th kid and they are so casual about things that it didn't feel like she was flaunting anything at me.

I came to a conclusion today (that may change as time continues to go on) that it's not just a kid I want. I keep thinking about adoption and I don't necessarily want adoption. I want the process of creating something together. The same way I want to plant a garden and watch it grow. The same way I wanted to buy a house and furnish it with love. I want to create a baby and lavish it with love and watch it grow. My thought is not fully formed right now, but the point is that it is the process I want and love so much. I love drinking tea because of the process of boiling the water and steeping the tea and putting in cream and sugar. I love listening to vinyl because of choosing a record, and using a record player, and sitting engulfed in sound. I love making espresso because of the grinding and tamping and steaming and pouring. And I wanted a baby to be a fun and magical process. Once you start bringing in all these other "methods" something is lost. And the part that is lost if one of the most important parts to me.

The Dreaded Dentist

Well I seem to be a mixed bag of emotions here still. One moment I’m fine, and the next I am on the brink of tears for no apparent reason! I think I am also hyper-sensitive to anyone who is rude or inconsiderate too. I went to the dentist today and had my first moment of “public exposure.” On the intake form there was a section for any current medication and health problems that were being treated. And, for the first time in my life, I AM on a medication – clomid. So, of course, I had to put it down and write that I was seeing a doctor for fertility treatments. Also, I had seen another dentist in town, whom I did not want to keep seeing, and so I had asked for my files to be sent over. I called a little while back to confirm that they were sending my files and they said they would. Then I arrived today and the dentist did not have my files. It made me even madder at the previous dentist, and so I told the new one that I did not want to have any X-rays done because I had just had them done a few months ago. Anyways, the lady at the desk seemed to be a bit in a snuff because of it all (though maybe it was just my perception). She was also rude and slow at her job and it made me especially ticked off.

My visit with the dentist was good. The assistant was super nice and even asked me if there was a chance that I might be pregnant because they wanted to do a different type of X-ray (she told me not to go until I’m sure that I’m not pregnant). At the end of our visit she even told me not to worry about something (I don’t quite remember what) because “you have enough on your plate right now.” It was the first outside acknowledgment of what I am going through. And it felt so good! The dentist also acknowledged it slightly, telling me that it will happen when it happens and at least I am still young (…not always what I want to hear, but he was genuine and I actually appreciated that he mentioned it). He also thanked me for trusting him and I felt real safe.

Anyways, all-in-all it was a good experience. Tomorrow I go for my day 21 progesterone! I don’t even know if progesterone is affected if you get pregnant, but secretly I hope that I am pregnant and something shows up different, hehe. But that is wishful thinking and I should really ground myself in reality. I have been feeling a bit blah and am super sensitive to any possible symptom that I experience! Last night I had a real bad cramp in my right side – I actually woke up my husband. All through the night I felt pressure in my abdomen and into this morning. Could that be a sign of anything happening (apart from cysts forming, dear God I hope not!)? I wish it were, but I don’t want to get my hopes too high, either. I just realized that I am scheduled to get my period a few days before we leave to go camping out in the wilderness (only with porter potties). That would royally suck (especially because we were planning some hikes on trails that are frequented by bears…) so I am really hoping it either comes early, and gets it over with, or comes quite late… or (best case scenario) doesn’t come at all! Of course if we are camping and it’s late I will be freaking out and probably wait till we get home to take a pee test…

Tea with my aunt...and other thoughts (warning: it's a long one!)

I had tea with my aunt who was visiting last night. It was real nice to have someone to talk to about things. I was not sure how to approach the subject but she just simply asked me, “So, how are you doing with all the baby stuff?” That was just what I needed – somebody to ask me! I realized that the hardest part of this is that I am not outwardly “sick.” I don’t have a visible disease or injury, yet all is not well. As a result, people think I am just fine, and I am not just fine. I had a little meltdown last night because DH was talking about how he has been trying to put on a brave face in the midst of some hard stuff he’s going through at work. I just got so angry and told him that I don’t want to put on a brave face anymore. I don’t want to smile and pretend like everything is okay. EVERYTHING IS NOT OKAY! I think I have come to that point where I just want people to know what is going on. I’m not sure if I am looking for sympathy, or support, or people to mind their own business… I really don’t know what I am looking for?

This has been a tough week. Nothing major has happened, but it’s been weary. Like I saw in the example I shared yesterday, I am still busy taking care of other people and making sure that they are okay. I think it is okay to give myself a bit of permission to breathe and be “not” okay for a little bit. I know this is hard on DH though. All he wants in life is for me to be happy. When I’m not happy, he’s not happy! And I want to be happy too. But right now, I want to mourn, I want to be sad, and I want to receive some care and love. Once that has been fulfilled, I’ll gladly try to embrace life and life joyfully. My aunt encouraged me to find joy wherever I can. Luckily, I have great joy in my relationship. DH and I are best friends; we have fun together. I have a wonderful family. I have a rewarding career. I have enough money to have a home and travel now and then. These are all really good things. It’s not that I want a baby to complete my life, or my joy… I just want a baby because it’s the natural thing to want in a loving, happy relationship.

Oh, and just a quick rant note about something that happened yesterday. My mom’s side of the family is trying to organize a family holiday to Mexico at Christmas. I’ve never had a desire to go to Mexico… and I’m not too comfortable with some family members right now (won’t go into detail here) but a trip away is always fun. So, our friends P&J were over and all of a sudden I told them, “I have a brilliant idea!” I hadn’t told DH about the plans yet, so I told them all and then told P&J that THEY should join us (because we have so much more fun having friends around). They kind of laughed, but J’s instant response was, “We can’t go then! The baby is due in January.” Now I knew the baby was due then, and as soon as I said it, I knew there would be a dilemma. But I just wanted them to indulge the idea a little bit and humour me and tell me that it would be so much fun together. But the fact that the very first thing out of her mouth was, “We can’t!” showed me how ever-conscious she is that the baby is coming. I guess the thing is that she never really talks about her pregnancy with me now, and I don’t really ask. But even her small comment in a joking situation showed me how much they will (and already have) change once the baby comes. I just don’t think we’re going to be able to stay as close. And because she is my closest friend here, that is hard to face. I also realized that she doesn’t ask me how I am doing… ever anymore. I don’t know if I’m just getting stickler-like here and expecting more than I should… but I would think that she would at least ask me how I am doing from time to time! I know I’ve been different when we hang out. I am depressed around them. I am tired. I am weary. They MUST notice it. I try to have fun (sometimes), but it is just not the same. I guess this is the first close friend that this has happened with so I am probably processing it way more than I need to. I don’t want to be a bitter friend. I don’t want to be the bitter girl. But I’m not ready to hold my head high and pretend it doesn’t hurt yet. I’m still in pain.

Anyways, I hope we have a fun weekend. I am not really looking forward to anything in particular, but I just want this week to be done. I’ll try to hit up the Farmer’s Market, I think we’re going for a family hike, we have another BBQ with the young adults… and Monday is slated as a “me” day. No commitments! Just me and my DH and my dog, and I’ll call the shots, thank you very much!

Was that too long of a post? Haha! Sometimes I just need to express myself. I don’t expect others to read, but it sure is helpful to get it out of my head.