Well, I think I am pretty proud of myself. I say that "I think" because I'm not completely sure how to feel about it yet. But this weekend I opened the doors a little bit wider and let 3 people in on our struggle. I feel good about it, but I also feel vulnerable with the exposure. I'm not sure what I'm afraid of, but it's new territory, I guess.
It started off with sharing with Kris (which again, was just wonderful). Then, yesterday at church I shared with another lady who I am becoming friends with. I don't know what was going on, but I could not keep the floodgates closed. I was so teary. I hadn't even taken my clomid pills yet, but everything was just getting to me for some reason. She took note of it and asked me if I'd like to talk. I said yes but was a bit hesitant, only because I didn't know if DH minded her knowing. I figured it was fine and told her. It was just nice because I was able to release all the emotion that I was feeling at that moment. I really needed that. And then today, I told my boss! I figured that I would be calling in sick (hopefully next week!) and just that it would be good for her to know. She is all about business (in a warm way) and wished me all the best. While I'm on the roll, I may just tell my close colleague too. Right now, I'm thinking the more support, the better (especially if it doensn't work...let's not go there yet though).
Day 2 of clomid. Yuck... I said goodbye to DH and told him that clomid me would soon be taking over, so he should get in some good kisses while I was still around..haha.
Monday, January 23, 2012
Saturday, January 21, 2012
UPs and DOWNs
Last night I had a pretty great night. I went over to meet a new friend (we'll call her Kris) who has struggled with infertility. I actually heard through a mutual friend about her struggle (I had met her briefly previously) and I contacted her and asked if she'd be open to talk. It was amazing!
It was the first time that I had a chance to speak with someone who really gets what I am going through. Her story was quite similar to mine in a lot of ways. She was married 9 years ago, trying for the past 6 years. There was nothing major wrong, but she was not ovulating every cycle and has another condition which proved challenging. They went through all the testing (they moved around like us too, which puts a hindrance in things), did acupuncture, TCM, HSG.... on and on. And then they moved to IUI. Their first one didn't work (they theorize that the doctors are still figuring you out on the first round, and that the 2nd or 3rd rounds have more success). Their second one resulted in a healthy pregnancy. She is due in 2 weeks.
I guess their story brought me back some hope. I'm still skeptical of getting my hopes up too much but it was really good to meet a true success story. They said they also know 3 other couples in our area who got pregnant through IUI. And since we don't have any specific issues getting in the way (and the fact that I seem to ovulate regularly, have high enough progesterone, and regular cycles is good), I think we are a good candidate for IUI.
I think the best part of talking to her, was that she truly understood the emotions that go along with infertility. Honestly, I feel like I am crazy sometimes with the vast range of emotions that I feel and experience. It was really good to normalize what I am going through.
I hope that we will be able to become friends. She is super friendly, and I think DH would get along with her husband (he was there for some of our conversation and put in his two cents, which was really cool). I guess the other thing that was encouraging to hear was how helpful it was for them to tell their story. They actually ended up sharing their testimony at a church event, and found that people were so supportive. I would love the opportunity to share our story sometime. I'm hoping to sit down and write it out, because I really don't know what I would say, or how to say it, or what to focus on. I think this issue needs to have more awareness. It seems like churches are especially bad. Somehow, talking about sex, or the product of sex is still a bit taboo. I think it's stupid. Especially with 1 in 6 couples dealing with infertility. There are probably many more people suffering in silence too. Once I figure out what to say, I'll probably post it on here for your consideration. I think that sharing would lead to such a greater sense of freedom for me. As I've mentioned before, I want to be sensitive to my DH, who is a bit more private than me about these things. I think for both of us, though, the support would be worth it.
That's all for now. I've been checking out a documentary that Kris suggested I listen to. You can find it on YouTube and it's called The Disappearing Male, by CBC. It is freaky! I want to get rid of everything in my house and start all over with chemical free everything! It is good for awareness though. I always thought people were crazy who completely got rid of plastic food dishes/toys/etc. but I think I will become one of them. Only wood and PVC-free toys for our baby! Check it out and let me know your thoughts.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=bXdVJPaAauU
It was the first time that I had a chance to speak with someone who really gets what I am going through. Her story was quite similar to mine in a lot of ways. She was married 9 years ago, trying for the past 6 years. There was nothing major wrong, but she was not ovulating every cycle and has another condition which proved challenging. They went through all the testing (they moved around like us too, which puts a hindrance in things), did acupuncture, TCM, HSG.... on and on. And then they moved to IUI. Their first one didn't work (they theorize that the doctors are still figuring you out on the first round, and that the 2nd or 3rd rounds have more success). Their second one resulted in a healthy pregnancy. She is due in 2 weeks.
I guess their story brought me back some hope. I'm still skeptical of getting my hopes up too much but it was really good to meet a true success story. They said they also know 3 other couples in our area who got pregnant through IUI. And since we don't have any specific issues getting in the way (and the fact that I seem to ovulate regularly, have high enough progesterone, and regular cycles is good), I think we are a good candidate for IUI.
I think the best part of talking to her, was that she truly understood the emotions that go along with infertility. Honestly, I feel like I am crazy sometimes with the vast range of emotions that I feel and experience. It was really good to normalize what I am going through.
I hope that we will be able to become friends. She is super friendly, and I think DH would get along with her husband (he was there for some of our conversation and put in his two cents, which was really cool). I guess the other thing that was encouraging to hear was how helpful it was for them to tell their story. They actually ended up sharing their testimony at a church event, and found that people were so supportive. I would love the opportunity to share our story sometime. I'm hoping to sit down and write it out, because I really don't know what I would say, or how to say it, or what to focus on. I think this issue needs to have more awareness. It seems like churches are especially bad. Somehow, talking about sex, or the product of sex is still a bit taboo. I think it's stupid. Especially with 1 in 6 couples dealing with infertility. There are probably many more people suffering in silence too. Once I figure out what to say, I'll probably post it on here for your consideration. I think that sharing would lead to such a greater sense of freedom for me. As I've mentioned before, I want to be sensitive to my DH, who is a bit more private than me about these things. I think for both of us, though, the support would be worth it.
That's all for now. I've been checking out a documentary that Kris suggested I listen to. You can find it on YouTube and it's called The Disappearing Male, by CBC. It is freaky! I want to get rid of everything in my house and start all over with chemical free everything! It is good for awareness though. I always thought people were crazy who completely got rid of plastic food dishes/toys/etc. but I think I will become one of them. Only wood and PVC-free toys for our baby! Check it out and let me know your thoughts.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=bXdVJPaAauU
Friday, January 20, 2012
I thought I was okay...
Today started as a wonderful day. I woke up to fresh snow, took the dog for a walk/play at the park, had a nice up of coffee and spent some time cleaning the house. Then I decided to pay P&J a visit, since DH was working and I didn't have much else to do. Despite the fact that they now have a baby, J is still my closest friend here, and I was a bit lonely and needed a friend today. It was a nice visit. I had some baby snuggles, did some knitting and we had a nice chat. I got home, though, and my world felt crushed. I guess just being there this time it felt like everything was perfect. He is so cute and perfect. He does not cry too much (yet). They have the feeding/sleeping thing down pat. They are co-sleeping (something we have always wanted to do). Their lives already have a nice rhythm. I know things will change, and that it will not always be easy, and that they will have times where they want to pull out their hair. I know all that. J is also struggling (I think) with her emotions and maybe a bit of post-partum depression due to the c-section. I just realized that I would do anything to have what they have right now. Their current life IS my dream life. It is what I imagined it being like. And honestly, I AM SO JEALOUS! Not jealous in a bad way, like I wish them any harm. I just want what they have so badly. And today it really hurts.
I came home and tried to make some plans with DH to do something fun and distract myself from the pain. He is busy working on the sermon for Sunday and may not be free tonight. And the thing is, I really don't have any other friends to hang out with. At least none without kids. Or ones that are more "takers" than givers. And none that I can just call up on a whim to hang out with. I feel so lonely today.
DH gave me a big hug, and I shed a few tears. When, oh when will it be our turn?
I feel like I should be entering this IUI cycle with a bit more hope and optimism than I currently have. But I'm not. I feel like we're just going to throw away our money. If it hasn't worked all this time, the chances are slim that it will now. Unless maybe there's something that hasn't been found yet, and maybe IUI will bypass that obstacle and provide some unexpected success. I feel like if it doesn't work on the first try, it probably won't work at all. We'll cross that bridge when we get there.
I came home and tried to make some plans with DH to do something fun and distract myself from the pain. He is busy working on the sermon for Sunday and may not be free tonight. And the thing is, I really don't have any other friends to hang out with. At least none without kids. Or ones that are more "takers" than givers. And none that I can just call up on a whim to hang out with. I feel so lonely today.
DH gave me a big hug, and I shed a few tears. When, oh when will it be our turn?
I feel like I should be entering this IUI cycle with a bit more hope and optimism than I currently have. But I'm not. I feel like we're just going to throw away our money. If it hasn't worked all this time, the chances are slim that it will now. Unless maybe there's something that hasn't been found yet, and maybe IUI will bypass that obstacle and provide some unexpected success. I feel like if it doesn't work on the first try, it probably won't work at all. We'll cross that bridge when we get there.
Ugh!
AF decided to make an appearance.
DH says, "I hate aunt flo. She's the worst aunt ever. She's such a bitch!" Haha, to which I laughed really hard. I made DH stop at Dairy Queen last night and we brought home ice cream and sat in front of the fire watching TV all night. It was nice.
It's 5am and I am up because I just wasn't comfortable in bed. But it is snowing. I love the snow. I am sipping tea and watching the snow come down through the light from the lampposts outside. I'm excited to have today off and be at home.
DH says, "I hate aunt flo. She's the worst aunt ever. She's such a bitch!" Haha, to which I laughed really hard. I made DH stop at Dairy Queen last night and we brought home ice cream and sat in front of the fire watching TV all night. It was nice.
It's 5am and I am up because I just wasn't comfortable in bed. But it is snowing. I love the snow. I am sipping tea and watching the snow come down through the light from the lampposts outside. I'm excited to have today off and be at home.
Wednesday, January 18, 2012
Disappointment with God
Well AF, you can show up any day now. I'd like to get this show on the road.
Okay, quick funny story. So DH is pretty oblivious to the world of girls. He grew up with only a brother, in a Korean home so many of the common North American experiences were lacking. I don't even know how the subject came up, but he didn't know what AF stood for, and so I told him. Ever since then, he thinks it is so funny to ask me if Aunt Flo has come for a visit yet. Well, the other day we had some people over downstairs and he came up to get something. When he saw me, he asked (in a pretty loud voice), "Did AF show up yet?" I quickly hushed him and started laughing while he looked at me blankly. It turns out, he thought AF was a secret phrase that only him and I knew! It had me laughing like crazy. Oh silly boys! (Shh, don't tell him I told you this... but he used to think that a tupperware party was when a bunch of ladies got together and brought food for a potluck all in tupperware containers.... oh bless his soul!).
Anyways, I've been pretty teary lately. I just feel emotional. Tired of waiting ALL THE TIME. It's not even babies and that stuff that has been making me cry. Just the run of the mill touching commercial, kiss in a TV show, anyone facing disappointment. I've been trying to live more for today but of course this is always in the back of my mind. I think I am feeling just worn out from it all. Once we can take some action again, I hope I'll pick up again.
I had a pretty incredible moment the other day. First of all, I was really happy for how I handled P&J having their baby. It still is not really hard for me. He is so darn cute, and I really do want to cuddle him like crazy. They are still our friends, and that is what was most important for me. I was thinking about all the women in the Bible who are barren. It's a pretty big theme throughout the Bible. I'm actually reading a book called "Disappointment With God" and it is really cool. It just talks about 3 questions that people in the Church are often scared to ask: Is God unfair, is God silent, and is God hidden? I'm pretty sure I'm not the first Christian woman to feel like God is being unfair, silent in not answering my petitions, and hidden from showing me understanding for why this is happening. And as I realized that, I suddenly felt a sense of honour. This may sound weird, but hear me out. I do believe God exist. I do believe He loves me. I do believe He knows what is going on with me and that it breaks his heart. I do believe there will be a time when I have a family. The fact that I am going through this struggle right now only means that He thinks I can handle it. I guess I do believe that He won't let me go through something I can't handle. That doesn't mean it won't break me. But in that breaking, I will be drawn closer to Him. Closer for comfort. Closer for peace. Closer for refuge.
I've also been finding my dog a great cuddler through the tough times. She just seems to know what I need. Here she is resting on my lap.
And here is a picture of P&J's little baby, PJ. Isn't he a cutie?
Okay, quick funny story. So DH is pretty oblivious to the world of girls. He grew up with only a brother, in a Korean home so many of the common North American experiences were lacking. I don't even know how the subject came up, but he didn't know what AF stood for, and so I told him. Ever since then, he thinks it is so funny to ask me if Aunt Flo has come for a visit yet. Well, the other day we had some people over downstairs and he came up to get something. When he saw me, he asked (in a pretty loud voice), "Did AF show up yet?" I quickly hushed him and started laughing while he looked at me blankly. It turns out, he thought AF was a secret phrase that only him and I knew! It had me laughing like crazy. Oh silly boys! (Shh, don't tell him I told you this... but he used to think that a tupperware party was when a bunch of ladies got together and brought food for a potluck all in tupperware containers.... oh bless his soul!).
Anyways, I've been pretty teary lately. I just feel emotional. Tired of waiting ALL THE TIME. It's not even babies and that stuff that has been making me cry. Just the run of the mill touching commercial, kiss in a TV show, anyone facing disappointment. I've been trying to live more for today but of course this is always in the back of my mind. I think I am feeling just worn out from it all. Once we can take some action again, I hope I'll pick up again.
I had a pretty incredible moment the other day. First of all, I was really happy for how I handled P&J having their baby. It still is not really hard for me. He is so darn cute, and I really do want to cuddle him like crazy. They are still our friends, and that is what was most important for me. I was thinking about all the women in the Bible who are barren. It's a pretty big theme throughout the Bible. I'm actually reading a book called "Disappointment With God" and it is really cool. It just talks about 3 questions that people in the Church are often scared to ask: Is God unfair, is God silent, and is God hidden? I'm pretty sure I'm not the first Christian woman to feel like God is being unfair, silent in not answering my petitions, and hidden from showing me understanding for why this is happening. And as I realized that, I suddenly felt a sense of honour. This may sound weird, but hear me out. I do believe God exist. I do believe He loves me. I do believe He knows what is going on with me and that it breaks his heart. I do believe there will be a time when I have a family. The fact that I am going through this struggle right now only means that He thinks I can handle it. I guess I do believe that He won't let me go through something I can't handle. That doesn't mean it won't break me. But in that breaking, I will be drawn closer to Him. Closer for comfort. Closer for peace. Closer for refuge.
I've also been finding my dog a great cuddler through the tough times. She just seems to know what I need. Here she is resting on my lap.
And here is a picture of P&J's little baby, PJ. Isn't he a cutie?
Friday, January 13, 2012
What a day brings
I don't even know what to write about, except that I feel like the only thing to do right now is to write.
The visit with P&J and new baby PJ (those are actually his initials!) was fine. It was fun. I didn't feel sad. But let me back up and describe the whole day. This morning started off really nice. It was my day off and I was excited to enjoy it. It was sunny, I drank tea and lazed about and then got to cleaning house (I love to start the weekend with a clean slate). J was planning to come over for tea and knitting this afternoon but had an appointment scheduled for this morning. While I was waiting to hear from her, I received the call from P that they were in the hospital and she was being brought in for an "imminent" c-section because they were worried that the baby had an infection and they needed to get it out right away to see what was wrong. Due to the suddenness of the event, they had no supplies. J's mom was visiting but she was stuck carless at their house. So they asked if we could go to their house and pick up the hospital bags for them. DH came home from work (he has flexible hours and had the car) and we headed over. We hoped we could see them and DH was planning to stay with P if need be. While there we ran into a nurse we know from our church who was working in maternity. She went to check on things and said that we couldn't go in because J was about to go in for surgery. She took the bags and we had no choice but to go home and wait (there wasn't even a waiting area as far as we could see). So we came home.
The rest of the afternoon passed uneventful. I think I was pretty restless and a bit worried so I kept myself busy doing laundry, knitting, etc. I had a massage scheduled at 3 and decided to walk over. I kept my phone on just in case we got the call. No call. I got home and started dinner then decided to take the dog for a walk. I was getting really worried by this time. I don't know how long c-sections take. DH had spoken to J's mom who said that if the baby did have an infection it would need to be taken to the next city (because we don't have full facilities for babies here) but since J was having surgery she would have to stay behind while P went on his own. I prayed a lot today. On my walk I passed by a close friend's house (a lady from our church) and stopped in to ask her to pray. We prayed together right then and there and as soon as we finished my phone rang. It was DH and he was calling to tell me that P&J had a 9lb, 5oz HEALTHY baby boy! There was no sign of infection. The doctors don't know what they thought they had seen, but nothing was wrong. It was probably nice that she had a c-section for such a big baby. He really was a miracle.
Anyways, they invited us to come by after dinner and so we did. It was really casual (which I so appreciate about them). We picked up coffee and food and flowers for them because P had been way too nervous to eat earlier. I held the baby. I guess the thing with babies is that I never feel a real connection with them. Even my niece, I just didn't really feel anything special when I met/held her. I don't really have a thing for babies. More than that, I just want us to have a family... our family. It was actually really nice visiting P&J because they still were normal. I guess it affirmed that they will still be our friends after having a baby. Sure they will be busy, but they will still be the same P&J that we like so much.
Now we're back at home and I just feel drained and tired. I don't really know what I am "feeling." I'm not giddy or happy. I'm not sad. I'm not even wistful. I didn't cry today. I didn't really feel any feelings of jealousy when I saw them (especially when they changed the gross diaper). I came home and immediately felt like I needed to "do" something... to keep my hands busy. I couldn't sit and just lose myself in TV. I had to be active. I put dishes away and did more knitting before I decided to try to get my thoughts out here.
I guess I keep thinking about the day that P&J sat in our living room and told us they were expecting. That day is so vivid in my mind. We were really happy for them. And sad for us. But this whole time has passed. They have moved on. We are in the same place. I'm tired of being here. I want to move on.
I did chat briefly with a new friend I made here who is due with a successful IVF baby in February. I barely know here, but we are going to get together soon. She said that her story is very similar to ours and she knows how hard it will be. It will be SO nice to actually talk to someone who understands. I guess I haven't really had that yet.
So, that is where today leaves me.
The visit with P&J and new baby PJ (those are actually his initials!) was fine. It was fun. I didn't feel sad. But let me back up and describe the whole day. This morning started off really nice. It was my day off and I was excited to enjoy it. It was sunny, I drank tea and lazed about and then got to cleaning house (I love to start the weekend with a clean slate). J was planning to come over for tea and knitting this afternoon but had an appointment scheduled for this morning. While I was waiting to hear from her, I received the call from P that they were in the hospital and she was being brought in for an "imminent" c-section because they were worried that the baby had an infection and they needed to get it out right away to see what was wrong. Due to the suddenness of the event, they had no supplies. J's mom was visiting but she was stuck carless at their house. So they asked if we could go to their house and pick up the hospital bags for them. DH came home from work (he has flexible hours and had the car) and we headed over. We hoped we could see them and DH was planning to stay with P if need be. While there we ran into a nurse we know from our church who was working in maternity. She went to check on things and said that we couldn't go in because J was about to go in for surgery. She took the bags and we had no choice but to go home and wait (there wasn't even a waiting area as far as we could see). So we came home.
The rest of the afternoon passed uneventful. I think I was pretty restless and a bit worried so I kept myself busy doing laundry, knitting, etc. I had a massage scheduled at 3 and decided to walk over. I kept my phone on just in case we got the call. No call. I got home and started dinner then decided to take the dog for a walk. I was getting really worried by this time. I don't know how long c-sections take. DH had spoken to J's mom who said that if the baby did have an infection it would need to be taken to the next city (because we don't have full facilities for babies here) but since J was having surgery she would have to stay behind while P went on his own. I prayed a lot today. On my walk I passed by a close friend's house (a lady from our church) and stopped in to ask her to pray. We prayed together right then and there and as soon as we finished my phone rang. It was DH and he was calling to tell me that P&J had a 9lb, 5oz HEALTHY baby boy! There was no sign of infection. The doctors don't know what they thought they had seen, but nothing was wrong. It was probably nice that she had a c-section for such a big baby. He really was a miracle.
Anyways, they invited us to come by after dinner and so we did. It was really casual (which I so appreciate about them). We picked up coffee and food and flowers for them because P had been way too nervous to eat earlier. I held the baby. I guess the thing with babies is that I never feel a real connection with them. Even my niece, I just didn't really feel anything special when I met/held her. I don't really have a thing for babies. More than that, I just want us to have a family... our family. It was actually really nice visiting P&J because they still were normal. I guess it affirmed that they will still be our friends after having a baby. Sure they will be busy, but they will still be the same P&J that we like so much.
Now we're back at home and I just feel drained and tired. I don't really know what I am "feeling." I'm not giddy or happy. I'm not sad. I'm not even wistful. I didn't cry today. I didn't really feel any feelings of jealousy when I saw them (especially when they changed the gross diaper). I came home and immediately felt like I needed to "do" something... to keep my hands busy. I couldn't sit and just lose myself in TV. I had to be active. I put dishes away and did more knitting before I decided to try to get my thoughts out here.
I guess I keep thinking about the day that P&J sat in our living room and told us they were expecting. That day is so vivid in my mind. We were really happy for them. And sad for us. But this whole time has passed. They have moved on. We are in the same place. I'm tired of being here. I want to move on.
I did chat briefly with a new friend I made here who is due with a successful IVF baby in February. I barely know here, but we are going to get together soon. She said that her story is very similar to ours and she knows how hard it will be. It will be SO nice to actually talk to someone who understands. I guess I haven't really had that yet.
So, that is where today leaves me.
Quick prayer
Hey friends,
I was just wondering if you could send up a quick prayer for my friends P&J. They just had an ultrasound to check on their baby (that was due on Tuesday) and the baby has an infection. They're not sure what sort of infection, or how serious it is so they are performing a c-section right away. I'm sure everything is fine, I just know that would be a stressful turn of events. So any prayers sent their way are appreciated.
Thanks. I really am excited to meet this little bundle of joy!
***UPDATE***
Well, they did the c-section and the baby came out perfectly healthy! No sign of infection. The doctors aren't sure what they saw. So, P&J have a 9-lb, 5oz baby boy. We are stopping by the hospital quick tonight to say hello.
I was just wondering if you could send up a quick prayer for my friends P&J. They just had an ultrasound to check on their baby (that was due on Tuesday) and the baby has an infection. They're not sure what sort of infection, or how serious it is so they are performing a c-section right away. I'm sure everything is fine, I just know that would be a stressful turn of events. So any prayers sent their way are appreciated.
Thanks. I really am excited to meet this little bundle of joy!
***UPDATE***
Well, they did the c-section and the baby came out perfectly healthy! No sign of infection. The doctors aren't sure what they saw. So, P&J have a 9-lb, 5oz baby boy. We are stopping by the hospital quick tonight to say hello.
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