I don't know who reads this blog much anymore. If there is anyone reading who is still in the TTC trenches. If there is, this may be a post you want to skip... maybe. :)
Giving birth to children and becoming a mother are life changing events... there is no doubt about it. As I have written about before, for me, the transition was not seamless, despite the incredible love I have for my children. I struggled (and still do) to make sense of my new identity, to reconcile the hurt and pain from years in the trenches, and to adapt to my new role. And now, nearly a year in, I find that role changing once again.
My boys are no longer completely dependent little babies. Yes, they still are little. They still are babies. And they still depend on me. But now entirely like they did when they were one month old. They are branching out in their little world, discovering what it means to be apart from "mom" for a period of time, and learning things like how to move, to communicate, and to eat on their own. This transformation is truly incredible.
As I wrote about in this post, I, too, am branching out, back to the life that was put on hold when these little beings entered my life. And just as they face separation anxiety being away from me, so I face anxiety being away from them and trying to find my way in a land that is familiar and yet so different.
So much changes in one year with children.
I am not the same counsellor who left my job a year ago.
I am not the same friend I was before I had children.
I am not the same wife who lived childless with my husband for 8 years before these boys entered our lives.
I think it is only natural to feel anxious.
I haven't yet figured out how to really enjoy life "on my own" again. My best (and hardest) moments are when I am with my children.
I. Love. Being. Their. Mom. SOOOOO. Much.
It's all I really want to do right now.
I anticipate the milestone next month with a bit of trepidation. In some ways, I want things to stay exactly as they are right now forever. I know that can't be.
But I just want to hold on a little longer. I'm not quite ready to move ahead just yet.
Friday, September 19, 2014
Thursday, September 18, 2014
Sunday, September 7, 2014
The 8-9-10 Month Sleep Regression
Nobody told me about sleep regressions before having kids. Sure, I assumed the first few weeks would be tough, but I naively assumed that once you "trained" your kids to sleep properly, they would be sweet dreamers and sleep through the night no problem. Boy I was wrong! Even with a sleep consultant at our side, and fairly well sleeping babies, I must say I can only count a handful of nights that BOTH babies have actually slept all the way through.
This week we picked up our sleep training hard core again. I'll write more about how it goes once I have more to say. But can I just say that this current regression is a beast! It's hard to explain exactly what this regression is all about, but most information I find online says that somewhere between 8-10 months, it is common for babies to become like newborns again. It's a combination of huge brain development (I think we are in one of the toughest "Wonder Weeks" yet), teething, and just a bunch of stuff altogether.
Yesterday RJ refused to nap all day, and only slept for 30 minutes in a sling while we went for a walk. Last night MJ took over an hour to settle back to sleep after waking up. And this morning I just spent an hour getting RJ to nap, and only succeeded when I held him, rocked him, and sang to him, like when he was a newborn.
As exasperating as it is at times, all I could think today was how lucky I am to have these boys in my life. I love them SO MUCH it literally hurts. Sure, it's tough at 3am when all you want it your warm bed, but they are so seriously incredible. It pains me when they have a tough time falling asleep, and yet it is what they want and need most. But the little cuddles, the sweet softness of breath, the silky skin up against yours... it takes my breath away. I love you little bundles!
This week we picked up our sleep training hard core again. I'll write more about how it goes once I have more to say. But can I just say that this current regression is a beast! It's hard to explain exactly what this regression is all about, but most information I find online says that somewhere between 8-10 months, it is common for babies to become like newborns again. It's a combination of huge brain development (I think we are in one of the toughest "Wonder Weeks" yet), teething, and just a bunch of stuff altogether.
Yesterday RJ refused to nap all day, and only slept for 30 minutes in a sling while we went for a walk. Last night MJ took over an hour to settle back to sleep after waking up. And this morning I just spent an hour getting RJ to nap, and only succeeded when I held him, rocked him, and sang to him, like when he was a newborn.
As exasperating as it is at times, all I could think today was how lucky I am to have these boys in my life. I love them SO MUCH it literally hurts. Sure, it's tough at 3am when all you want it your warm bed, but they are so seriously incredible. It pains me when they have a tough time falling asleep, and yet it is what they want and need most. But the little cuddles, the sweet softness of breath, the silky skin up against yours... it takes my breath away. I love you little bundles!
Monday, September 1, 2014
10 Months
Ooops...I'm late on this post AND I think I completely forgot to post anything last month. Hopefully I'll catch up soon. But in the meantime, here are the little gaffers at 10 months!
Wednesday, August 20, 2014
Losing "control"
Those people who said that life gets easier with twins after the first six months are wrong. As fun and cuddly and cute as these boys are, they are busy and a handful! And sleep loss when you have a newborn is one thing...but sleep loss when you have two nearly-toddlers to keep up with is not fun!
This is a bit of a vent post, so I'll warn you in advance. Actually, though, I haven't written for a while, but today I really feel the need to process my thoughts, so you people get to be the recipients (lucky you!).
I had a bad day with the boys today. The whole day wasn't terrible, but we had an awful night last night (one of the worst in the books). Then MJ decided to skip his morning nap and threw the whole day off. We had to miss baby group, and the boys' nap schedules were off sync. That means that the 2-3 hours I usually get to myself was gone. MJ was just being sooooo difficult! I don't know if it was teething, or just a restless mind as he tries to conquer standing on his own, but it was so frustrating for me. All the tricks we normally use to settle him did not work.
I found out that I really don't roll well with the punches, especially not when I have "plans" that get ruined. I guess it's an aspect of control. So, when the night and then the day were thrown off kilter, I just melted down. Eventually I regrouped. The boys finally went down together for an afternoon nap and I closed my eyes for 45 minutes. Once they were up again my mom came to the rescue and took the boys to the park so I could make dinner and have a few moment's silence. The day ended on a really good note.
I just really, really, really, really hate it when I get to that point where I feel like I can't handle things! I wrote about my anxiety a while back, and it really has improved. But days like today just frustrate me to no end. I am mostly upset about how upset it made me. Really, in the grand scheme of things, it wasn't a big deal. The boys caught up on sleep, I eventually got to shower, and the day ended well. Just in the moment, I can't snap out of it. The frustration just ruins me. And I hate being that way to the boys and to my hubby.
I guess it's a work in progress. Sometimes I set expectations too high for myself.
Well I'm beat for today. I hope to follow this up with some more profound thoughts later on, but right now, I think I just need to go to bed.
Oh, before I forget to mention it.... guess who showed up yesterday? Good ol' AF. Nearly 18 months since I've seen that sight. Can I blame some of my mood on my hormones, haha?!?
This is a bit of a vent post, so I'll warn you in advance. Actually, though, I haven't written for a while, but today I really feel the need to process my thoughts, so you people get to be the recipients (lucky you!).
I had a bad day with the boys today. The whole day wasn't terrible, but we had an awful night last night (one of the worst in the books). Then MJ decided to skip his morning nap and threw the whole day off. We had to miss baby group, and the boys' nap schedules were off sync. That means that the 2-3 hours I usually get to myself was gone. MJ was just being sooooo difficult! I don't know if it was teething, or just a restless mind as he tries to conquer standing on his own, but it was so frustrating for me. All the tricks we normally use to settle him did not work.
I found out that I really don't roll well with the punches, especially not when I have "plans" that get ruined. I guess it's an aspect of control. So, when the night and then the day were thrown off kilter, I just melted down. Eventually I regrouped. The boys finally went down together for an afternoon nap and I closed my eyes for 45 minutes. Once they were up again my mom came to the rescue and took the boys to the park so I could make dinner and have a few moment's silence. The day ended on a really good note.
I just really, really, really, really hate it when I get to that point where I feel like I can't handle things! I wrote about my anxiety a while back, and it really has improved. But days like today just frustrate me to no end. I am mostly upset about how upset it made me. Really, in the grand scheme of things, it wasn't a big deal. The boys caught up on sleep, I eventually got to shower, and the day ended well. Just in the moment, I can't snap out of it. The frustration just ruins me. And I hate being that way to the boys and to my hubby.
I guess it's a work in progress. Sometimes I set expectations too high for myself.
Well I'm beat for today. I hope to follow this up with some more profound thoughts later on, but right now, I think I just need to go to bed.
Oh, before I forget to mention it.... guess who showed up yesterday? Good ol' AF. Nearly 18 months since I've seen that sight. Can I blame some of my mood on my hormones, haha?!?
Sunday, July 20, 2014
The spaces between
This is an honest post about loneliness, depression, anxiety, and change. I thought that maybe writing about how I am feeling would help me put words to some of the things I am having a hard time describing.
Lately, I feel like I'm in a bit of a funk. I know that I just shared in my last post about how happy I am in life...and it is true! I wasn't lying. But I was describing my life with my boys. This post is about the rest of my life. Anyways, I'll explain more as I go. Here goes:
I'll start off by first of all saying that this is not related at all to parenting. I LOVE being a mom. I love my boys and I am 100% fulfilled in taking care of them. Hooray! So that is good. In some ways I feel like I have a delayed form of PPD, but it's not necessarily depression. There is some anxiety. And some just blues.
I'm not really sure where the discontent is coming from. Actually, in some ways it feels like all the areas of my life apart from being a mom are in a funk. Socially: I don't really have friends (at least who live by me), apart from the moms that I have become dependent upon to keep me going. Ministry (church): I'm not interested in any of the church activities or work that we are a part of right now. I usually avoid events or just spend my time with the boys. Work: I am dreading going back to work. I know it will be "good" for me, and that we need to financially...but I just don't want to (insert temper tantrum face here!). Community: I am looking for ways to get more involved with moms and babies, as this is the area I feel most comfortable in, but most things are shut down for the summer. Romantic: DH and I are co-existing right now. We try to be lovey-dovey, but we just don't have the energy and all our time is spent with the boys. I feel a bit disconnected, though I know we are both trying to keep our relationship a priority. Physically: I have not been getting as much sleep lately, and I know this is affecting my moods. Also I don't have as much energy as I'd like to exercise and so I've hit a bit of a slump, which is also depressing.
Overall, I just feel like I have changed so much since going through infertility and then becoming a mom, but the change has not caught up to all the areas of my life. I know that it was just such a drastic switch from being so independent, to being so depended upon...and it makes me wonder if I lost part of myself in the process. No, I don't think I lost myself. I chose to let parts go. People warned me of becoming isolated after having twins, and it's not that. I'm not choosing to isolate myself because I feel overwhelmed. I just don't really want the life I had before. I feel like I have stepped away on purpose, but I'm not sure where to land my feet now.
I guess am finding my way into this new identity as a mom, but I question whether the way I am going is healthy, or right. All I care about right now is the mom side of myself. Is that okay? Is it normal? I'm not unhappy. In fact, most of the time, when I am with my boys, I am so full of joy. But when those moments pop up where I am not needed or have time to think for myself...I find myself feeling a little bit lost.
Has anyone else been here?
Thanks for letting me share. I feel like I can put words to what I am feeling now, and hopefully reach out to those who are around me a bit easier. Please share if you have been in a similar place and have any words of encouragement.
Lately, I feel like I'm in a bit of a funk. I know that I just shared in my last post about how happy I am in life...and it is true! I wasn't lying. But I was describing my life with my boys. This post is about the rest of my life. Anyways, I'll explain more as I go. Here goes:
I'll start off by first of all saying that this is not related at all to parenting. I LOVE being a mom. I love my boys and I am 100% fulfilled in taking care of them. Hooray! So that is good. In some ways I feel like I have a delayed form of PPD, but it's not necessarily depression. There is some anxiety. And some just blues.
I'm not really sure where the discontent is coming from. Actually, in some ways it feels like all the areas of my life apart from being a mom are in a funk. Socially: I don't really have friends (at least who live by me), apart from the moms that I have become dependent upon to keep me going. Ministry (church): I'm not interested in any of the church activities or work that we are a part of right now. I usually avoid events or just spend my time with the boys. Work: I am dreading going back to work. I know it will be "good" for me, and that we need to financially...but I just don't want to (insert temper tantrum face here!). Community: I am looking for ways to get more involved with moms and babies, as this is the area I feel most comfortable in, but most things are shut down for the summer. Romantic: DH and I are co-existing right now. We try to be lovey-dovey, but we just don't have the energy and all our time is spent with the boys. I feel a bit disconnected, though I know we are both trying to keep our relationship a priority. Physically: I have not been getting as much sleep lately, and I know this is affecting my moods. Also I don't have as much energy as I'd like to exercise and so I've hit a bit of a slump, which is also depressing.
Overall, I just feel like I have changed so much since going through infertility and then becoming a mom, but the change has not caught up to all the areas of my life. I know that it was just such a drastic switch from being so independent, to being so depended upon...and it makes me wonder if I lost part of myself in the process. No, I don't think I lost myself. I chose to let parts go. People warned me of becoming isolated after having twins, and it's not that. I'm not choosing to isolate myself because I feel overwhelmed. I just don't really want the life I had before. I feel like I have stepped away on purpose, but I'm not sure where to land my feet now.
I guess am finding my way into this new identity as a mom, but I question whether the way I am going is healthy, or right. All I care about right now is the mom side of myself. Is that okay? Is it normal? I'm not unhappy. In fact, most of the time, when I am with my boys, I am so full of joy. But when those moments pop up where I am not needed or have time to think for myself...I find myself feeling a little bit lost.
Has anyone else been here?
Thanks for letting me share. I feel like I can put words to what I am feeling now, and hopefully reach out to those who are around me a bit easier. Please share if you have been in a similar place and have any words of encouragement.
Wednesday, July 16, 2014
Summer luvin
Guys, can I tell you how much I just LOVE my life right now?
This summer is soooooo much fun! Seriously. It is super hard work, and having twin 8-(almost 9) month-olds has kept me busy. There are moments of monotony and frustration, and frantic effort, but I really am really, really loving my life. It is soooo different in so many ways, but it is starting to feel like "my" life again. What "my" life means has changed so much in definition, but I can finally say that I am starting to feel like a normal human being again.
I still don't get a lot of time to myself, and when I do, I barely know what to do with myself. By the time I get organized and start to do something, my time is up! So, I usually just putter around the house, looking for ways to get more organized, or nap. This means, though, that the summer has been super low key. Just the way it should be! I finally have moments where I don't feel like I "need" to be doing something. I can just sit and BE and enjoy the moment. Of course, this is still mixed with many frantic moments trying to finish so many things in the short time I have, but I love the challenge and it makes those relaxed moments so much more worth it.
I usually plan one "outing" for the day, whether it be a play date, or a shopping trip, or just a stroll by the ocean. We have a pretty strict routine, which I love and the babies thrive on. Lately everyone has commented on how good my boys are! I think I really am just lucky... and it could all change next week... but for now, I will savour it.
I love providing a clean, healthy, well-functioning home for my family. All the things I used to like to do for fun (garden, organize, bake, sew), now serve a very specific purpose, and I love it! Life is not as leisurely as it used to be (hah!), but it is filled with many of the same things, just in different ways. We are getting braver in taking the boys out. We went to a restaurant with friends for lunch. We've gone picnicking. We took them to the beach, for a hike, to the river, and of course, the pool in the backyard. We put them down early and have the evening to ourselves to go to the gym, or for a walk, or plunk in front of the TV and zone out (I have a slight addiction to the Walking Dead right now).
Life. Is. Good.
And here are a few pictures to show how great our summer is (babies tell it best...babies without clothes, even better)
This summer is soooooo much fun! Seriously. It is super hard work, and having twin 8-(almost 9) month-olds has kept me busy. There are moments of monotony and frustration, and frantic effort, but I really am really, really loving my life. It is soooo different in so many ways, but it is starting to feel like "my" life again. What "my" life means has changed so much in definition, but I can finally say that I am starting to feel like a normal human being again.
I still don't get a lot of time to myself, and when I do, I barely know what to do with myself. By the time I get organized and start to do something, my time is up! So, I usually just putter around the house, looking for ways to get more organized, or nap. This means, though, that the summer has been super low key. Just the way it should be! I finally have moments where I don't feel like I "need" to be doing something. I can just sit and BE and enjoy the moment. Of course, this is still mixed with many frantic moments trying to finish so many things in the short time I have, but I love the challenge and it makes those relaxed moments so much more worth it.
I usually plan one "outing" for the day, whether it be a play date, or a shopping trip, or just a stroll by the ocean. We have a pretty strict routine, which I love and the babies thrive on. Lately everyone has commented on how good my boys are! I think I really am just lucky... and it could all change next week... but for now, I will savour it.
I love providing a clean, healthy, well-functioning home for my family. All the things I used to like to do for fun (garden, organize, bake, sew), now serve a very specific purpose, and I love it! Life is not as leisurely as it used to be (hah!), but it is filled with many of the same things, just in different ways. We are getting braver in taking the boys out. We went to a restaurant with friends for lunch. We've gone picnicking. We took them to the beach, for a hike, to the river, and of course, the pool in the backyard. We put them down early and have the evening to ourselves to go to the gym, or for a walk, or plunk in front of the TV and zone out (I have a slight addiction to the Walking Dead right now).
Life. Is. Good.
And here are a few pictures to show how great our summer is (babies tell it best...babies without clothes, even better)
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