(This post was written yesterday and then I took it down and modified it)
Update: today was no better than yesterday.
DH and I had a huge "discussion" and he finally talked about how he was feeling. Afterwards he felt way better (and of course, I did not). Some of the statements said in his extreme exasperation were: "I'm just not sure we
want the same things in life anymore" and, "How are we supposed to stay
together when what you want (speaking of a baby) is completely different
than what I want (not having to "work" at having a baby)?" Oh, and the comment about, "I wanted to marry somebody who
really understood the things I like, like good music, that's really
important to me." Apparently since there is one new band that he likes
and I don't (ONE new band!), he doesn't see how we will ever enjoy our
life together and regrets marrying me?!?!
All in all, it was a bad night for DH. I know he didn't mean what he said in the way that he said it. He is not feeling heard or known right now. And he admitted that that is not my fault, but his fault for being "unknowable." He
sometimes just doesn't know how to share how he's doing and let people
in.
All I know is that I am determined to ENJOY this weekend and the sunshine. We live
in a place that is rainy and gloomy about 75% of the year... so when
that sunshine comes, you HAVE to take advantage of it. I gave up my
desire to go camping since DH didn't want to go but I insisted that we
do a hike/swim tomorrow and head to some islands on Saturday. He was
completely on board... until today. And then his brother decided he was coming to visit us (no notice). I don't care if I have to hitchhike, I AM going to spend time outdoors and enjoy myself!
Friday, July 13, 2012
Wednesday, July 11, 2012
Doing alright
I just wanted to follow that last post with a note that today things are much better! There are still unresolved "issues" but we are doing okay and I hope that things will continue to get better. I think that money is a big stress right now (and why DH is planning to buy a custom built guitar when we are in debt and trying to save and he is stressed I don't know... plus I only found that out by snooping on his email, I know, I'm so bad!). Also DH told me yesterday that he doesn't know if he wants to continue on and do IUI again. Well buddy, you have one week to change your mind! AF is scheduled to come by soon and I want to be ready to go at it right away. However, if he's not ready, I'm not too sure what I can do...
Overall I am feeling SO much better! My moods and emotions have leveled out finally. I think I have lost a ton of weight. It might just be bloat from the pregnancy and drugs, but whatever it is, I feel WAY better about myself. (I'm kind of dreading going back on the drugs in the future). I have a tan too and that always helps you look/feel better. We are eating healthy and I am exercising regularly again. I have energy to get through most of the day (a few kicks of caffeine always help) and I'm finally feeling social again. It is so nice to feel normal again!
BTW, did anyone see that movie "Friends with Kids?" We watched it last night and the preview made it look like it was a great movie for infertiles who have to put up with all the crap that people with kids display. But I was pretty disappointed upon watching it. There were some great, funny parts BUT the two friends friggin' decides to have sex with one another and share their baby 50%... AND THEY GET PREGNANT ON THE FIRST TRY! It was supposed to kind draw attention to the fact that raising a baby IS hard, and those who think they can have it all (happy marriage, good kids, peaceful life)... can't. Overall though, I was just quite offended by it all. Any other thoughts?
Overall I am feeling SO much better! My moods and emotions have leveled out finally. I think I have lost a ton of weight. It might just be bloat from the pregnancy and drugs, but whatever it is, I feel WAY better about myself. (I'm kind of dreading going back on the drugs in the future). I have a tan too and that always helps you look/feel better. We are eating healthy and I am exercising regularly again. I have energy to get through most of the day (a few kicks of caffeine always help) and I'm finally feeling social again. It is so nice to feel normal again!
BTW, did anyone see that movie "Friends with Kids?" We watched it last night and the preview made it look like it was a great movie for infertiles who have to put up with all the crap that people with kids display. But I was pretty disappointed upon watching it. There were some great, funny parts BUT the two friends friggin' decides to have sex with one another and share their baby 50%... AND THEY GET PREGNANT ON THE FIRST TRY! It was supposed to kind draw attention to the fact that raising a baby IS hard, and those who think they can have it all (happy marriage, good kids, peaceful life)... can't. Overall though, I was just quite offended by it all. Any other thoughts?
Storm's a breakin'
To say that this week hasn't been the best is an understatement...
Fortunately, the storm broke yesterday and hopefully it's sunny skies from here.
DH is stressed out of his mind! I didn't fully catch on until yesterday, but I was annoyed with him ALL WEEK for being so difficult. I felt like I was running around doing everything, the only person thinking of things like what we were going to eat, and what to do with the dog... important things. I felt like all he did was sleep, watch TV, and play guitar. And that WAS all he did. He barely talked to me, he didn't come to bed at night (fell asleep on the couch or stayed up on the computer), and he didn't listen to anything I asked him to do. I felt like he hated me all week.
Last night we had the blowout fight (which always comes after he's been brewing) and he admitted that it was all from stress. It wasn't really a fight between us... it was more a breakdown on his part. His breakdowns are just so darn difficult to endure. He's stressed about so many things and can't even pinpoint what is making him feel so down. He is stressed about the economy, about his job right now, about the church, about us having a baby (and not being able to afford it because of the economy and his job), about his parents, about.... the list goes on and on! And unlike me, he's not at all willing to talk to ANYBODY about it (besides me!). He may talk to one person about a portion, and another about a little bit more, but he's not able to get the whole thing out there for someone else to know ALL that is going on with him. And that frustrates me to no end.
So, I get to live with a grumpy, depressed, closed-down, boy who will barely talk to me about what is going on, leave his dishes and clothes all around, and is generally no fun to be around right now.
Oh please let this stage pass quickly!
(Sorry if this is too much of a bashing email. I do hate complaining about my man because I honestly love him SO SO SO MUCH, but I really, really just needed somewhere to let it out today. Anyways, it's not as much about him, as it is about me dealing with what is going on right now. All I want to do is enjoy the sunshine this weekend...and enjoy a weekend after working 12 days straight!)
Fortunately, the storm broke yesterday and hopefully it's sunny skies from here.
DH is stressed out of his mind! I didn't fully catch on until yesterday, but I was annoyed with him ALL WEEK for being so difficult. I felt like I was running around doing everything, the only person thinking of things like what we were going to eat, and what to do with the dog... important things. I felt like all he did was sleep, watch TV, and play guitar. And that WAS all he did. He barely talked to me, he didn't come to bed at night (fell asleep on the couch or stayed up on the computer), and he didn't listen to anything I asked him to do. I felt like he hated me all week.
Last night we had the blowout fight (which always comes after he's been brewing) and he admitted that it was all from stress. It wasn't really a fight between us... it was more a breakdown on his part. His breakdowns are just so darn difficult to endure. He's stressed about so many things and can't even pinpoint what is making him feel so down. He is stressed about the economy, about his job right now, about the church, about us having a baby (and not being able to afford it because of the economy and his job), about his parents, about.... the list goes on and on! And unlike me, he's not at all willing to talk to ANYBODY about it (besides me!). He may talk to one person about a portion, and another about a little bit more, but he's not able to get the whole thing out there for someone else to know ALL that is going on with him. And that frustrates me to no end.
So, I get to live with a grumpy, depressed, closed-down, boy who will barely talk to me about what is going on, leave his dishes and clothes all around, and is generally no fun to be around right now.
Oh please let this stage pass quickly!
(Sorry if this is too much of a bashing email. I do hate complaining about my man because I honestly love him SO SO SO MUCH, but I really, really just needed somewhere to let it out today. Anyways, it's not as much about him, as it is about me dealing with what is going on right now. All I want to do is enjoy the sunshine this weekend...and enjoy a weekend after working 12 days straight!)
Monday, July 9, 2012
Musicfest
Though I'm at work today, I am currently recovering from a long weekend volunteering for a music festival that happened this weekend. I was on the youth outreach team, so we spent our 5 1/2 shifts, each day, walking all around the premises, checking up on youth who were drinking/on drugs and making sure they had water and food. Fun times! Add to that our first batch of hot, hot weather and my body is sore and drained and tired. But it was good times. Unfortunately, none of the music was quite my style, but there still were some good shows (Emmy Lou Harris, Matt Anderson, a celtic infusion band called Sketch, the Sheepdogs). I really enjoyed the weekend, though I didn't really get a weekend and now am back at it at work. Oh well. I think it was probably nice for me NOT to be at home, and NOT to be thinking about fertility stuff, and NOT to be worrying about my stressed-out husband (though that worry doesn't really go away). Now I wish I were on summer holidays all summer long and that I didn't have to work and that I just got to sit in the sun and sip cool beverages all day. Ahh!
Maybe I'll try to go camping this weekend. :)
Wednesday, July 4, 2012
A celebration
I just can't help but give a shout out to Katie over at "from IF to when" as she celebrates the adoption of her precious little baby and is finally a parent after all she's been through. Her story is inspiring and had me crying tears of joy tonight!
Tuesday, July 3, 2012
Top 5
My friends and I used to have a blog that was called "Top 5" and was full of top 5 lists of all sorts. So here is mine for the day.
Top 5 things we have accomplished since our exchange student left:
1. Tidied and de-cluttered the house like mad (okay, still in process but it's a good start)
2. Bought, and ate, a box of ice cream sandwiches all to ourselves without sharing!
3. Made no dinner. We can eat what we want, when we want it.
4. Banged on the drums as loud as possible and danced around in our underwear
5. *With a bullet* - Baby-danced to our heart's content with the bedroom door open!
Wahoo! I can't describe how nice it is to have the house all to ourselves again.
Top 5 things we have accomplished since our exchange student left:
1. Tidied and de-cluttered the house like mad (okay, still in process but it's a good start)
2. Bought, and ate, a box of ice cream sandwiches all to ourselves without sharing!
3. Made no dinner. We can eat what we want, when we want it.
4. Banged on the drums as loud as possible and danced around in our underwear
5. *With a bullet* - Baby-danced to our heart's content with the bedroom door open!
Wahoo! I can't describe how nice it is to have the house all to ourselves again.
Sex, money, kids and... weight gain?
There are a few topics that I find it hard to write about, despite my openness about so much of my body's inner workings. Sex, money and weight gain are some of those topics (well, money not so much but we'll attack it anyways). However, after reading quite a few posts about weight gain and sex (most recently an incredibly honest post by Jill at Infertility Unexplained and Alissa at MissConception), I thought I would put some thoughts down. One of the main reasons I use my blog as an outlet is so that others who are sharing the same struggles may find comfort in knowing they're not alone. Hopefully this is one of those posts (and I didn't realize how much I had to rant about here, so I'm sorry for the length).
Sex
This may be a shocker for some, but I was one of those girls who waited until I was married to have sex. Ever since I was a little girl, I wanted to commit to abstinence. It wasn't so hard, considering I lived in a small town and was a church girl. In college, I met the love of my life and we got married and had sex for the first time on our wedding night. Sex was good. Since we did not have others to compare ourselves with, it was fun, and felt free, and exhilarating. Those feelings carried on when we went off birth control and started TTC. Somewhere along the line though, the excitement was replaced by another feeling... I don't want to say the word "dread" but it was almost like that... a feeling like what this was supposed to be, wasn't really what it was actually being.
People say that infertility ruins sex. I'm not sure if it is just infertility, or if there are other issues in our marriage that make sex less than it should be, but I know that infertility definitely plays a role.
Even when we have sex "for fun," knowing that we are outside of our "fertile" period, there is less connection, less intimacy, less fun. I think sex was designed for both pleasure and procreation. If you lose the ability to procreate, it feels like sex has lost some of its purpose. Along with infertility, your sex life becomes public, and no longer a private, intimate affair. I must say, I am pretty private about my sex life, but DH is, by far, 10,000 times more private than me. Giving samples, meeting doctors, talking about his "performance" - that is all wayyyyy over his line of comfort. I'm not sure, but this may have caused him to close off slightly when it comes to actually having sex now (that's something I haven't thought of before and will put mre thought into). And then there's the emotional part. I definitely don't think DH and I have reached a place of peace about what is happening to us. We each have our own personal struggles with it, and we have our struggles as a couple. For the most part, though, we can close off that section of our emotions/brains that this affects and get on with regular life. But sex... sex opens wide those doors and reminds us once again of what we are going through. It's hard to enjoy sex when all it does is remind you of what it is not achieving.
Money
Infertility and money is just a bitter issue for me. I don't see how it is fair that women who CAN'T HAVE BABIES have to pay exorbitant amounts of money for treatments to have a kid. I also don't understand why adoption is so darn expensive! I saw an ad yesterday that brought light to the fact that it is cheaper to abort a baby than to adopt one. WTF?!?! Now we haven't actually had to pay very much yet, so I really can't complain, but when I read blogs of other women who have drained themselves in this endeavor, it just irks me. People say that sex, money and kids are the biggest killers of marriage (sources of conflict). I think that us infertiles get whacked with all three at once.
Weight
And now... don't get me started on this one! I don't think I have EVER been as frustrated with my weight as I am right now. So here's a quick recap. I never once thought about weight as a kid. I was average... put on a few pounds in high school and after graduating became conscious of my weight and started exercising. In college I was quite in shape. I was fairly petite and exercised daily. I didn't put on the freshman 10lb gain, but I did start to fill out in the hips, etc. Then I got married. With marriage comes the obligatory 5lb gain. I have always highly valued exercise. I feel so much better when I am exercising. I love the feeling after a good run or workout. But my body is not the strongest. And, like my mom, I tend to get sick if I overdo it or workout too hard. Still, I tried hard and felt pretty good about my weight and body shape.
Fast forward to 5 years of TTC, 6 rounds of clomid, one IUI, a pregnancy with miscarriage... and here I am today, weighing more than I have EVER weighed in my life! I think it is a combination of hormones whacked out by drugs, fertility drug bloating/water retention, comfort foods for those bad days, and lack of motivation to exercise on other days. Fortunately, the one thing I have going for me is fairly good muscle tone. Apart from my ever-expanding hips and butt, I am fairly toned in my muscle. Still! I recently pulled out my summer clothes from last year. Last year I was larger than I had ever been and had to buy a whole new wardrobe for summer. This year I couldn't even get my legs into some of the shorts. It's weird though, because other pieces of clothing fit me just fine, and I even fit into a shirt I couldn't wear last year. I think it honestly is my hips that have expanded and widened over this past year.
Now I'm NOT a dieter. I just can't do it. I love eating way too much. I just can't give up some foods. I try to do the "everything in moderation" deal, but even when I think I'm doing it, I still end up overeating on sweets and carbs. I still exercise and I've been in a good routine. But I have to do quite a bit in order just to maintain my weight, so losing is real tough. Also I just haven't had all my energy back since the miscarriage. So even when I want to exercise, I sometimes can't. It's so maddening!
So right now, this is the most frustrating thing of all! I look at my friend J, who had a baby in January, and who looks like she is right back to her pre-pregnancy weight, toned arms and everything, and I am insanely jealous! I am roughly 15-20lbs over my ideal weight, and I do not have a baby or anything to show for it. I am bitter and mad and frustrated. DH and I are making an effort over the summer to get in shape. Without our student here we are able to cook what we want. We're planning to go on a juicing diet for a while (just drinking vegetable juice for dinner some nights), and I'm continuing on with my berry/green smoothies for breakfast. The biggest thing I need to work on is giving up sugar. That will be hard!
Whew!
I guess I had way more to say than I realized. I still feel like I could go on, but I will stop it there for your sake (and maybe do a part 2 once I've had time to settle). I realize this is one huge rant, but I guess that is what I needed today too. These clearly are some of the most annoying side effects of infertility. Boo!
On a lighter note, I decided to search infertility in Pinterest, and found an image I thought I'd share.
Sex
This may be a shocker for some, but I was one of those girls who waited until I was married to have sex. Ever since I was a little girl, I wanted to commit to abstinence. It wasn't so hard, considering I lived in a small town and was a church girl. In college, I met the love of my life and we got married and had sex for the first time on our wedding night. Sex was good. Since we did not have others to compare ourselves with, it was fun, and felt free, and exhilarating. Those feelings carried on when we went off birth control and started TTC. Somewhere along the line though, the excitement was replaced by another feeling... I don't want to say the word "dread" but it was almost like that... a feeling like what this was supposed to be, wasn't really what it was actually being.
People say that infertility ruins sex. I'm not sure if it is just infertility, or if there are other issues in our marriage that make sex less than it should be, but I know that infertility definitely plays a role.
Even when we have sex "for fun," knowing that we are outside of our "fertile" period, there is less connection, less intimacy, less fun. I think sex was designed for both pleasure and procreation. If you lose the ability to procreate, it feels like sex has lost some of its purpose. Along with infertility, your sex life becomes public, and no longer a private, intimate affair. I must say, I am pretty private about my sex life, but DH is, by far, 10,000 times more private than me. Giving samples, meeting doctors, talking about his "performance" - that is all wayyyyy over his line of comfort. I'm not sure, but this may have caused him to close off slightly when it comes to actually having sex now (that's something I haven't thought of before and will put mre thought into). And then there's the emotional part. I definitely don't think DH and I have reached a place of peace about what is happening to us. We each have our own personal struggles with it, and we have our struggles as a couple. For the most part, though, we can close off that section of our emotions/brains that this affects and get on with regular life. But sex... sex opens wide those doors and reminds us once again of what we are going through. It's hard to enjoy sex when all it does is remind you of what it is not achieving.
Money
Infertility and money is just a bitter issue for me. I don't see how it is fair that women who CAN'T HAVE BABIES have to pay exorbitant amounts of money for treatments to have a kid. I also don't understand why adoption is so darn expensive! I saw an ad yesterday that brought light to the fact that it is cheaper to abort a baby than to adopt one. WTF?!?! Now we haven't actually had to pay very much yet, so I really can't complain, but when I read blogs of other women who have drained themselves in this endeavor, it just irks me. People say that sex, money and kids are the biggest killers of marriage (sources of conflict). I think that us infertiles get whacked with all three at once.
Weight
And now... don't get me started on this one! I don't think I have EVER been as frustrated with my weight as I am right now. So here's a quick recap. I never once thought about weight as a kid. I was average... put on a few pounds in high school and after graduating became conscious of my weight and started exercising. In college I was quite in shape. I was fairly petite and exercised daily. I didn't put on the freshman 10lb gain, but I did start to fill out in the hips, etc. Then I got married. With marriage comes the obligatory 5lb gain. I have always highly valued exercise. I feel so much better when I am exercising. I love the feeling after a good run or workout. But my body is not the strongest. And, like my mom, I tend to get sick if I overdo it or workout too hard. Still, I tried hard and felt pretty good about my weight and body shape.
Fast forward to 5 years of TTC, 6 rounds of clomid, one IUI, a pregnancy with miscarriage... and here I am today, weighing more than I have EVER weighed in my life! I think it is a combination of hormones whacked out by drugs, fertility drug bloating/water retention, comfort foods for those bad days, and lack of motivation to exercise on other days. Fortunately, the one thing I have going for me is fairly good muscle tone. Apart from my ever-expanding hips and butt, I am fairly toned in my muscle. Still! I recently pulled out my summer clothes from last year. Last year I was larger than I had ever been and had to buy a whole new wardrobe for summer. This year I couldn't even get my legs into some of the shorts. It's weird though, because other pieces of clothing fit me just fine, and I even fit into a shirt I couldn't wear last year. I think it honestly is my hips that have expanded and widened over this past year.
Now I'm NOT a dieter. I just can't do it. I love eating way too much. I just can't give up some foods. I try to do the "everything in moderation" deal, but even when I think I'm doing it, I still end up overeating on sweets and carbs. I still exercise and I've been in a good routine. But I have to do quite a bit in order just to maintain my weight, so losing is real tough. Also I just haven't had all my energy back since the miscarriage. So even when I want to exercise, I sometimes can't. It's so maddening!
So right now, this is the most frustrating thing of all! I look at my friend J, who had a baby in January, and who looks like she is right back to her pre-pregnancy weight, toned arms and everything, and I am insanely jealous! I am roughly 15-20lbs over my ideal weight, and I do not have a baby or anything to show for it. I am bitter and mad and frustrated. DH and I are making an effort over the summer to get in shape. Without our student here we are able to cook what we want. We're planning to go on a juicing diet for a while (just drinking vegetable juice for dinner some nights), and I'm continuing on with my berry/green smoothies for breakfast. The biggest thing I need to work on is giving up sugar. That will be hard!
Whew!
I guess I had way more to say than I realized. I still feel like I could go on, but I will stop it there for your sake (and maybe do a part 2 once I've had time to settle). I realize this is one huge rant, but I guess that is what I needed today too. These clearly are some of the most annoying side effects of infertility. Boo!
On a lighter note, I decided to search infertility in Pinterest, and found an image I thought I'd share.
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