Hello to those of you who happen to still follow along on this blog. I wanted to let you know that I am primarily moving my space to my new blog. I'll leave this blog open for the time being but really won't be posting much. If you're interested in following along with me, please subscribe or follow me in my new(ish) space. Thanks!
http://wildislandlove.blogspot.ca/
Sunday, February 21, 2016
Tuesday, August 11, 2015
Sunday, May 10, 2015
Remember and Honour
Mother's Day...
The day that brings me back to this space. While joyous, it awakens the smart of a sting of pain that will never fully heal. It reminds me of those who are still in pain, longing and grief.
I am so grateful for my boys. But I never, ever, will forget what it was like to wait for them to come.
When I was young (really, I'm not that old to be using that phrase but it's true), Mother's Day was different. Sure, we made a crappy breakfast in bed and drew cards in school for our mom. But there wasn't this hyper-awareness to celebrate ALL women who had joined the ranks of motherhood. On Mother's Day, you, the kid, celebrated YOUR mom. You didn't celebrate other moms. Your dad didn't dote on mom on your behalf. You didn't designate the whole day to "pampering" and sending her away to the spa. It was just nice, and simple, and honouring in whatever way you saw fit. Now as a mom it's different. There's this comparison... this pressure... "What are you doing for Mother's Day?" "Are you taking the day off?" "Will you spend the day at the spa?"
Today is mixed for me. Not even mixed... I still have a place in my heart that doesn't want to celebrate. But I will remember. And I will love my boys like never before.
* * * * *
The day that brings me back to this space. While joyous, it awakens the smart of a sting of pain that will never fully heal. It reminds me of those who are still in pain, longing and grief.
I am so grateful for my boys. But I never, ever, will forget what it was like to wait for them to come.
When I was young (really, I'm not that old to be using that phrase but it's true), Mother's Day was different. Sure, we made a crappy breakfast in bed and drew cards in school for our mom. But there wasn't this hyper-awareness to celebrate ALL women who had joined the ranks of motherhood. On Mother's Day, you, the kid, celebrated YOUR mom. You didn't celebrate other moms. Your dad didn't dote on mom on your behalf. You didn't designate the whole day to "pampering" and sending her away to the spa. It was just nice, and simple, and honouring in whatever way you saw fit. Now as a mom it's different. There's this comparison... this pressure... "What are you doing for Mother's Day?" "Are you taking the day off?" "Will you spend the day at the spa?"
Today is mixed for me. Not even mixed... I still have a place in my heart that doesn't want to celebrate. But I will remember. And I will love my boys like never before.
* * * * *
To those who gave birth this year to their first child—we celebrate with you
To those who lost a child this year – we mourn with you
To those who are in the trenches with little ones every day and wear the badge of food stains – we appreciate you
To those who experienced loss this year through miscarriage, failed adoptions, or running away—we mourn with you
To
those who walk the hard path of infertility, fraught with pokes, prods,
tears, and disappointment – we walk with you. Forgive us when we say
foolish things. We don’t mean to make this harder than it is.
To those who are foster moms, mentor moms, and spiritual moms – we need you
To those who have warm and close relationships with your children – we celebrate with you
To those who have disappointment, heartache, and distance with your children – we sit with you
To those who lost their mothers this year – we grieve with you
To those who experienced abuse at the hands of your own mother – we acknowledge your experience
To
those who lived through driving tests, medical tests, and the overall
testing of motherhood – we are better for having you in our midst
To those who will have emptier nests in the upcoming year – we grieve and rejoice with you
And to those who are pregnant with new life, both expected and surprising –we anticipate with you
This
Mother’s Day, we walk with you. Mothering is not for the faint of heart
and we have real warriors in our midst. We remember you.
Tuesday, April 21, 2015
Infertility sucks
Just thought I'd poke my head in and drop a little note.
I've had a hard week on the fertility front. A friend of mine recently became pregnant with her second. She is the first in our baby group to have her second. She had a previous miscarriage so was anxious about the first ultrasound. When she reached out for support and encouragement it was hard for me, and that shocked me. I guess it was because of the ease she had in becoming pregnant with her second...
For me, I am filled with fear, not knowing how hard it will be to conceive again.
Hubby doesn't quite get it. He says we'll just try and "see what happens." But allowing ourselves to "try" means the possibility of it not working... and that would mean facing all the rest.
I just want it to happen without having to face all the rest.
I want to go back and be naive and carefree and be surprised if it did happen.
But I can't.
Infertility sucks.
Though we are not officially "trying" I am working to get my body in health and shape. Part of that for me includes acupuncture.
I had a visit yesterday and she did a few deep needles in my abdomen. I instantly felt a tenderness and almost a bridging to my fertility. I relaxed into the treatment, but partway through the sensation in my abdomen began to increase, to the point where I felt uncomfortable, almost stabbing cramping pains. I called her in and as she was coming in, I felt a surge of anxiety and it felt like my abdomen was on fire with heat. She assured me that it was fine and took the needles out, letting me know that it was a release.
There is a book called "The Body Remembers." It's about the way that the body holds onto trauma and the muscles have memory of traumatic experiences. I felt like that treatment activated the trauma I faced during my pregnancy and in my bleeding afterwards. I let my tears fell, and I felt like it was an honouring of my experience. I hope that it was a release.
I don't know where this journey will take us next.
I'll keep you posted.
I've had a hard week on the fertility front. A friend of mine recently became pregnant with her second. She is the first in our baby group to have her second. She had a previous miscarriage so was anxious about the first ultrasound. When she reached out for support and encouragement it was hard for me, and that shocked me. I guess it was because of the ease she had in becoming pregnant with her second...
For me, I am filled with fear, not knowing how hard it will be to conceive again.
Hubby doesn't quite get it. He says we'll just try and "see what happens." But allowing ourselves to "try" means the possibility of it not working... and that would mean facing all the rest.
I just want it to happen without having to face all the rest.
I want to go back and be naive and carefree and be surprised if it did happen.
But I can't.
Infertility sucks.
Though we are not officially "trying" I am working to get my body in health and shape. Part of that for me includes acupuncture.
I had a visit yesterday and she did a few deep needles in my abdomen. I instantly felt a tenderness and almost a bridging to my fertility. I relaxed into the treatment, but partway through the sensation in my abdomen began to increase, to the point where I felt uncomfortable, almost stabbing cramping pains. I called her in and as she was coming in, I felt a surge of anxiety and it felt like my abdomen was on fire with heat. She assured me that it was fine and took the needles out, letting me know that it was a release.
There is a book called "The Body Remembers." It's about the way that the body holds onto trauma and the muscles have memory of traumatic experiences. I felt like that treatment activated the trauma I faced during my pregnancy and in my bleeding afterwards. I let my tears fell, and I felt like it was an honouring of my experience. I hope that it was a release.
I don't know where this journey will take us next.
I'll keep you posted.
Friday, March 20, 2015
March ICLW
Hey!
I'll be participating in the March ICLW over on my other blog: Wild Island Love
There will be lots of goodies on raising twins, parenting, sleep training, and more. So come on over and check it out!
Oh, and if you want to get involved with ICLW, you can sign up here. The more, the merrier!
I'll be participating in the March ICLW over on my other blog: Wild Island Love
There will be lots of goodies on raising twins, parenting, sleep training, and more. So come on over and check it out!
Oh, and if you want to get involved with ICLW, you can sign up here. The more, the merrier!
Friday, February 27, 2015
Friday's Thoughts
This week has been insane. My mind is just a blur. A blur that I can't quite turn off. So here I am to share my random thoughts with you all.
1. Hubby and I have not had a single night to ourselves ALL week. Every single night since... maybe last Saturday one of us has been out. Usually that means the one left home is doing dinner, clean-up, putting the boys to bed, post-bed clean-up and prep for the next day all to themselves. Or I'm coming home to cleaning and prepping to be done since I kind of run that show. It's been exhausting. And lonely. I miss my man.
2. However, this weekend DH and I are GOING AWAY FOR A NIGHT TO OURSELVES! This is a BIG deal folks. We haven't had a night away (without the kids) since before I went on bed rest while I was pregnant. I've been wanting to for months, but DH didn't feel ready to leave the boys with anyone else (I was fine with it lol). But, we bought tickets to a concert months ago, and were planning to bring the boys and have DH's brother and wife watch them. Instead, we decided that since my mom was free, we would leave the boys at home with her, and enjoy the night away to ourselves. I am So. Freaking. Excited!
3. For the concert we are heading down island 3 hours to the city where our fertility treatments were conducted and I spent 7 weeks in the hospital. I haven't really been back there (besides one quick doctor's visit) since the boys were born. Even thinking about it is bringing up all sorts of emotions. But not the bad, bedrest, hospital stay emotions that were at the forefront before. I've more been remembering the excitement and anticipation of going for fertility treatments. I think it has to do with the fact that we are TTC again. At the moment, all the pain and frustration and feelings of futility have vanished and I am just remembering the expectation and hope. Maybe I'm trying to summon those feelings back again. It's actually a really nice place to be.
4. Which leads me to the next point... TTC! I am officially IUD-FREE! The first thing my doctor said when I went for my appointment was, "So, you're trying to get pregnant?" I guess that IS the reason people have their IUD removed, but with all of our history, the question caught me off guard. I went into this rambly, long explanation about our history before realizing I could have just answered the question with a simple yes.
5. But... DH and I haven't really talked about TTC. I mean, don't get me wrong...he was totally on board with my removing the IUD, but I don't think he has really thought about what this actually means, or could mean for us and our family. He is kind of the after-thought processor. He doesn't really process things until after they happen, and then he freaks out. I hope we have a chance to really talk while we are away. Or forget the talking and just get to business and see what happens, lol!
Well, it's not even 9pm but my eyes are starting to get blurry and shut down... It's been a Loonnnng week. I'm ready to curl up, get a good night's sleep and enjoy my weekend. TTYL!
P.S. I have a new post on my other blog... check it out!
1. Hubby and I have not had a single night to ourselves ALL week. Every single night since... maybe last Saturday one of us has been out. Usually that means the one left home is doing dinner, clean-up, putting the boys to bed, post-bed clean-up and prep for the next day all to themselves. Or I'm coming home to cleaning and prepping to be done since I kind of run that show. It's been exhausting. And lonely. I miss my man.
2. However, this weekend DH and I are GOING AWAY FOR A NIGHT TO OURSELVES! This is a BIG deal folks. We haven't had a night away (without the kids) since before I went on bed rest while I was pregnant. I've been wanting to for months, but DH didn't feel ready to leave the boys with anyone else (I was fine with it lol). But, we bought tickets to a concert months ago, and were planning to bring the boys and have DH's brother and wife watch them. Instead, we decided that since my mom was free, we would leave the boys at home with her, and enjoy the night away to ourselves. I am So. Freaking. Excited!
3. For the concert we are heading down island 3 hours to the city where our fertility treatments were conducted and I spent 7 weeks in the hospital. I haven't really been back there (besides one quick doctor's visit) since the boys were born. Even thinking about it is bringing up all sorts of emotions. But not the bad, bedrest, hospital stay emotions that were at the forefront before. I've more been remembering the excitement and anticipation of going for fertility treatments. I think it has to do with the fact that we are TTC again. At the moment, all the pain and frustration and feelings of futility have vanished and I am just remembering the expectation and hope. Maybe I'm trying to summon those feelings back again. It's actually a really nice place to be.
4. Which leads me to the next point... TTC! I am officially IUD-FREE! The first thing my doctor said when I went for my appointment was, "So, you're trying to get pregnant?" I guess that IS the reason people have their IUD removed, but with all of our history, the question caught me off guard. I went into this rambly, long explanation about our history before realizing I could have just answered the question with a simple yes.
5. But... DH and I haven't really talked about TTC. I mean, don't get me wrong...he was totally on board with my removing the IUD, but I don't think he has really thought about what this actually means, or could mean for us and our family. He is kind of the after-thought processor. He doesn't really process things until after they happen, and then he freaks out. I hope we have a chance to really talk while we are away. Or forget the talking and just get to business and see what happens, lol!
Well, it's not even 9pm but my eyes are starting to get blurry and shut down... It's been a Loonnnng week. I'm ready to curl up, get a good night's sleep and enjoy my weekend. TTYL!
P.S. I have a new post on my other blog... check it out!
Monday, February 23, 2015
TTC... again...
Lately I have come to realize that I am not alone in the blogosphere in how I am feeling. I think there is a phenomena that needs a name. There are many around me who are struggling with difficult feelings after going through infertility, conceiving, giving birth, and then being faced with whether or not to TTC again. Hapa Hopes just wrote a post about this. Liz at Compromised Fertility recently found out she is expecting after having twins. Lanie just gave birth to her second, a "natural" pregnancy after not knowing whether she would be able to conceive on her own again. It's not quite secondary infertility, because either we are just starting to TTC, or deciding whether we want to, and not sure if we will be faced with infertility again. We are not all at the same stage, and yet the feelings are similar. It brings up a whole whack of emotions that I know were unexpected for myself. The fears, the uncertainty, the jealousy, the loneliness... it's all there again. I don't know what the answer is, but knowing that others feel the same helps.
I had my IUD removed today.
Cue freak out!
What am I doing? I have 16-month old, very demanding, very busy twin boys. I'm sitting here drinking tea, "ignoring" one of my boys who decided not to nap during the time I desperately needing alone time, thinking what it would be like to never get alone time again. Okay, well not for a lonnnng time. I don't know if I am ready to be pregnant again.
The doctor said that there is sometimes a super-ovulation phase after taking out the IUD. My period just recently returned since stopping breastfeeding the boys. Technically, my chances are "up." I know it's not a guarantee. We may not be able to get pregnant again. But we might. And what if we did... soon?
What if I had complications like the last pregnancy? What if I ended up on bedrest while caring for 2-year old twin terrors? What if we try and try and don't get pregnant. Then what?
Clearly, you can see that I am conflicted. But deep down, I think I do want it to happen. Otherwise I could have postponed taking out the IUD. But I didn't. And so... we will see...
I had my IUD removed today.
Cue freak out!
What am I doing? I have 16-month old, very demanding, very busy twin boys. I'm sitting here drinking tea, "ignoring" one of my boys who decided not to nap during the time I desperately needing alone time, thinking what it would be like to never get alone time again. Okay, well not for a lonnnng time. I don't know if I am ready to be pregnant again.
The doctor said that there is sometimes a super-ovulation phase after taking out the IUD. My period just recently returned since stopping breastfeeding the boys. Technically, my chances are "up." I know it's not a guarantee. We may not be able to get pregnant again. But we might. And what if we did... soon?
What if I had complications like the last pregnancy? What if I ended up on bedrest while caring for 2-year old twin terrors? What if we try and try and don't get pregnant. Then what?
Clearly, you can see that I am conflicted. But deep down, I think I do want it to happen. Otherwise I could have postponed taking out the IUD. But I didn't. And so... we will see...
Friday, February 6, 2015
TTC after Pregnancy after Infertility
I feel like I haven't blogged about anything "real" in a long time. What I mean by "real" is my own personal thoughts and feelings. Yet lately this blog land space has been on my mind. I miss it.
I've also had a lot of thoughts regarding infertility on my mind again. So here we go.
Is it just me, or are a lot of people in the blogosphere finding themselves suddenly pregnant after pregnancy after infertility? Maybe it's just the friends who I follow on here, but it seems to be a common theme. That, or the decision to TTC for a second time. And that's where I find myself. No, not pregnant, but trying to decide whether to TTC again.
Our boys are nearly 16 months old. Which, if we suddenly found ourselves pregnant, would give us a new baby right after the twins enter their terrible twos. Are we not CRAZY for even considering that? But I can't help it! The thought is suddenly consuming my mind. And I'm trying to figure out why it all of a sudden is so important to me.
Part of my brain has this notion that I can "trick" my body into getting pregnant easily again if I just try right away. I only recently got my period back (sort of), and maybe I can suddenly get pregnant before my body realizes it is infertile. Does that sound crazy? I know I have heard others who feel the same way. And I have seen it work! So in a way, I feel like the pressure is on and I need to get on this fast before I lose my chance...
It may also be that the boys are definitely NOT babies anymore. We have full-on toddlers in the house. Which is wonderful, and fun, and exciting, and exhausting! But I miss my babies. And I feel like I want to experience all those beautiful baby stages again... this time not in shock and not while recovering from a fairly traumatic pregnancy/birth experience.
That is part of it too. I can't help but want a normal pregnancy/birth experience. I definitely feel like carrying twins, plus being on bed rest, plus having tons of bleeding/pregnancy complications, plus the NICU, plus post-partum hemorrhage was NOT the normal experience. It's not that I'm ungrateful for my experience, but I just wonder what it would be like to experience a pregnancy without all the complications... or has infertility and my trauma ruined me of that?
I also think that if we do have a third child, I want him/her to be close in age to the boys, so that he/she is not a third wheel and left out all the time. I feel like a child closer in age would allow them to break out of their "twinship" and befriend the other sibling more. I don't know if we would go for a fourth, so that may be all we have.
I don't even know for sure if we want a third child. We are a pretty happy family as it is. I just can't stop thinking of trying for another one...
There will be no surprises for a while, as I still have the IUD. We jumped on the birth control wagon as soon as we could since we really didn't want a surprise right away. The shock of parenting newborn twins just scared us too much! I'm back on a waitlist to see my OB and have the IUD removed, so this isn't going to happen anytime too soon. I'm really just trying to figure out if it is what I want.
Okay, I know it is what I want. I'm just trying to figure out if the reasons for me wanting it are rational and reasonable.
So there you have it. Oh, and can I just say that infertility definitely has changed sex for us forever (or at least it seems so!). Yes, there are still those spontaneous, fun, enjoyable times... but how bad is it that when I go to the bathroom and see some ripe CM sitting there, my first thought is, "WE NEED TO HAVE SEX RIGHT NOW!" before realizing that I'm on birth control and not even capable of getting pregnant. Yet it was like an uncontrollable urge! I'm pretty sure that's not exactly how sex was designed to be.
I've also had a lot of thoughts regarding infertility on my mind again. So here we go.
Is it just me, or are a lot of people in the blogosphere finding themselves suddenly pregnant after pregnancy after infertility? Maybe it's just the friends who I follow on here, but it seems to be a common theme. That, or the decision to TTC for a second time. And that's where I find myself. No, not pregnant, but trying to decide whether to TTC again.
Our boys are nearly 16 months old. Which, if we suddenly found ourselves pregnant, would give us a new baby right after the twins enter their terrible twos. Are we not CRAZY for even considering that? But I can't help it! The thought is suddenly consuming my mind. And I'm trying to figure out why it all of a sudden is so important to me.
Part of my brain has this notion that I can "trick" my body into getting pregnant easily again if I just try right away. I only recently got my period back (sort of), and maybe I can suddenly get pregnant before my body realizes it is infertile. Does that sound crazy? I know I have heard others who feel the same way. And I have seen it work! So in a way, I feel like the pressure is on and I need to get on this fast before I lose my chance...
It may also be that the boys are definitely NOT babies anymore. We have full-on toddlers in the house. Which is wonderful, and fun, and exciting, and exhausting! But I miss my babies. And I feel like I want to experience all those beautiful baby stages again... this time not in shock and not while recovering from a fairly traumatic pregnancy/birth experience.
That is part of it too. I can't help but want a normal pregnancy/birth experience. I definitely feel like carrying twins, plus being on bed rest, plus having tons of bleeding/pregnancy complications, plus the NICU, plus post-partum hemorrhage was NOT the normal experience. It's not that I'm ungrateful for my experience, but I just wonder what it would be like to experience a pregnancy without all the complications... or has infertility and my trauma ruined me of that?
I also think that if we do have a third child, I want him/her to be close in age to the boys, so that he/she is not a third wheel and left out all the time. I feel like a child closer in age would allow them to break out of their "twinship" and befriend the other sibling more. I don't know if we would go for a fourth, so that may be all we have.
I don't even know for sure if we want a third child. We are a pretty happy family as it is. I just can't stop thinking of trying for another one...
There will be no surprises for a while, as I still have the IUD. We jumped on the birth control wagon as soon as we could since we really didn't want a surprise right away. The shock of parenting newborn twins just scared us too much! I'm back on a waitlist to see my OB and have the IUD removed, so this isn't going to happen anytime too soon. I'm really just trying to figure out if it is what I want.
Okay, I know it is what I want. I'm just trying to figure out if the reasons for me wanting it are rational and reasonable.
So there you have it. Oh, and can I just say that infertility definitely has changed sex for us forever (or at least it seems so!). Yes, there are still those spontaneous, fun, enjoyable times... but how bad is it that when I go to the bathroom and see some ripe CM sitting there, my first thought is, "WE NEED TO HAVE SEX RIGHT NOW!" before realizing that I'm on birth control and not even capable of getting pregnant. Yet it was like an uncontrollable urge! I'm pretty sure that's not exactly how sex was designed to be.
Sunday, January 25, 2015
Twin Organization
New post on keeping toys organized with twins around on my other blog. Check it out!
Keeping Organized with Twins
Keeping Organized with Twins
Saturday, January 24, 2015
Flying solo...
I've been meaning and meaning to sit down and write, and it just seems the time slips away all too quickly these days. Currently I made a coffee and sat down to write while the boys are napping, but they decided not to nap. They are jumping on their beds and laughing and yelling, while I ignore them and try to get through my coffee since I clearly won't be taking a nap.
My husband is away right now. For TWO LONG WEEKS! He's all the way across the world in Cambodia, so we can't even keep touch very well. And the time is creeping by so slowly...
I do have lots of help and couldn't do this otherwise, but it still is not the same as having your partner around.
Meanwhile the boys are keeping me busy and being full-on toddlers. MJ is mostly walking all around everywhere. RJ just started walking this past week and will catch on quick. Sleep has been a bit horrendous since my husband left (and that is the hardest part!). I think they just wanted dad the first few nights and were up all hours of the night. Since then they're back to sleeping through the night, but they're in-between that 2-1 nap transition, which is a nightmare! The whole one-nap-is-not-enough and two-naps-is-too-much! When they do nap, it is usually in the morning but then they can't quite make it to bedtime (up from 10:30-6:30 is a lonnnng stretch). I'll write a whole post on this down the road. They are just super unpredictable and that makes it tough for me, as right now the nap time is my only "down" time. The days are long and I am exhausted when they are over. I had all these grand notions and plans of things to get done while hubby is away... organizing and cleaning. But as soon as the boys are in bed, it's clean-up, prep for the morning, check my email and read for a few minutes before I am passed out and done for the day. It is exhausting!
But I am surviving and know I will make it. Just 6 more sleeps to go...
My husband is away right now. For TWO LONG WEEKS! He's all the way across the world in Cambodia, so we can't even keep touch very well. And the time is creeping by so slowly...
I do have lots of help and couldn't do this otherwise, but it still is not the same as having your partner around.
Meanwhile the boys are keeping me busy and being full-on toddlers. MJ is mostly walking all around everywhere. RJ just started walking this past week and will catch on quick. Sleep has been a bit horrendous since my husband left (and that is the hardest part!). I think they just wanted dad the first few nights and were up all hours of the night. Since then they're back to sleeping through the night, but they're in-between that 2-1 nap transition, which is a nightmare! The whole one-nap-is-not-enough and two-naps-is-too-much! When they do nap, it is usually in the morning but then they can't quite make it to bedtime (up from 10:30-6:30 is a lonnnng stretch). I'll write a whole post on this down the road. They are just super unpredictable and that makes it tough for me, as right now the nap time is my only "down" time. The days are long and I am exhausted when they are over. I had all these grand notions and plans of things to get done while hubby is away... organizing and cleaning. But as soon as the boys are in bed, it's clean-up, prep for the morning, check my email and read for a few minutes before I am passed out and done for the day. It is exhausting!
But I am surviving and know I will make it. Just 6 more sleeps to go...
Thursday, January 15, 2015
Time for ME
Recently one of my friends from a baby group mentioned how a lot of us are starting to get our identities "back" after having kids. And I suddenly realized that it is true. The shock of having twins threw me for a loop and there was a while I thought I never would be myself again. I still think that my definition of my "self" has changed dramatically since the twins were born. However, since they turned a year old, I find life returning to "normal" in some ways. Maybe it's because they sleep through the night and I feel quite rested most days. Maybe it's because I'm not nursing any longer and there is a sense of independence again. Maybe it's just a natural progression in having a baby.
The thing that I have found, however, is that even though I have more time for myself, I really don't know what to DO with myself. It's either that the activities that I used to do take too much time and I can't really get into them, OR I just don't want to do those things anymore. I think I wrote before about how many of my hobbies were domestic activities. Now I get to do those activities all the time, just not with the leisure attached. It is a rush get-this-done-before-the-babies-wake-up kind of thing. So it's not quite the same amount of enjoyment, even though I am feeling fulfilled in using those skills to provide for my family.
In the meantime, I still do need time for myself. So here are some of the things that I do these days to recharge and feel "normal" in the midst of a crazy life.
1. Exercise! This is huge for me! If I have the time to work up a real good sweat or be outdoors on a beautiful day it is a bonus. But even when I don't, a 30 minute walk pushing the stroller is great to settle my thoughts and help me breathe easier for the day. I love our family walks, which we try to do 1-2x per week. We often Ergo the boys down the trails to the beach and back around our little town center, stopping for a treat along the way. The dog loves it when we all walk together too!
2. Coffee and reading. Most of my reading honestly is catching up on my social media sites and briefly checking blogs, though I do want to start reading books again, especially before bed. It's just so daunting on where to begin. I used to LOVE reading but I'm totally out of the loop and don't even know which authors I would like anymore. If you have any suggestions, please let me know! Oh, and this only happens when the babies are napping and I don't have other pressing matters to attend to.
3. TV night with my babe (the big one). Hubby and I love to cuddle up a few nights a week and catch up on shows or maybe watch a movie if we're not too tired. Before I was a parent I knew so many parents who never watched movies or TV anymore, but I find this is our lifeline! Maybe it changes when the kids go to bed later, but right now we need it. Some nights we are sooo spent and all we want to do is light a fire in the woodstove, grab some junk food and zone out to something that makes us laugh. I actually think it has connected us as a couple, despite what it may seem like.
4. Coffee date out with a friend, sans kids! Okay, this has only happened like one or two times, but it has been incredible when it did happen. I want to find a way to make this happen more.
5. Massage, hair appointments and the like. I started having regular monthly massages as part of my self-care as a counsellor when I started working, and now I just keep it up since we have coverage for most of the year. I just love those days! I get regular haircuts at a hip salon that makes me feel young and fresh (hehe). I would love, love, love to start acupuncture again at some point, but my acupuncturist has moved farther away and I don't know if I can afford the time for the drive and the appointment. We'll see. Especially if we do decide to TTC again...
I'd say that's a pretty good start right about now. How about you? What do you do to recharge?
The thing that I have found, however, is that even though I have more time for myself, I really don't know what to DO with myself. It's either that the activities that I used to do take too much time and I can't really get into them, OR I just don't want to do those things anymore. I think I wrote before about how many of my hobbies were domestic activities. Now I get to do those activities all the time, just not with the leisure attached. It is a rush get-this-done-before-the-babies-wake-up kind of thing. So it's not quite the same amount of enjoyment, even though I am feeling fulfilled in using those skills to provide for my family.
In the meantime, I still do need time for myself. So here are some of the things that I do these days to recharge and feel "normal" in the midst of a crazy life.
1. Exercise! This is huge for me! If I have the time to work up a real good sweat or be outdoors on a beautiful day it is a bonus. But even when I don't, a 30 minute walk pushing the stroller is great to settle my thoughts and help me breathe easier for the day. I love our family walks, which we try to do 1-2x per week. We often Ergo the boys down the trails to the beach and back around our little town center, stopping for a treat along the way. The dog loves it when we all walk together too!
2. Coffee and reading. Most of my reading honestly is catching up on my social media sites and briefly checking blogs, though I do want to start reading books again, especially before bed. It's just so daunting on where to begin. I used to LOVE reading but I'm totally out of the loop and don't even know which authors I would like anymore. If you have any suggestions, please let me know! Oh, and this only happens when the babies are napping and I don't have other pressing matters to attend to.
3. TV night with my babe (the big one). Hubby and I love to cuddle up a few nights a week and catch up on shows or maybe watch a movie if we're not too tired. Before I was a parent I knew so many parents who never watched movies or TV anymore, but I find this is our lifeline! Maybe it changes when the kids go to bed later, but right now we need it. Some nights we are sooo spent and all we want to do is light a fire in the woodstove, grab some junk food and zone out to something that makes us laugh. I actually think it has connected us as a couple, despite what it may seem like.
4. Coffee date out with a friend, sans kids! Okay, this has only happened like one or two times, but it has been incredible when it did happen. I want to find a way to make this happen more.
5. Massage, hair appointments and the like. I started having regular monthly massages as part of my self-care as a counsellor when I started working, and now I just keep it up since we have coverage for most of the year. I just love those days! I get regular haircuts at a hip salon that makes me feel young and fresh (hehe). I would love, love, love to start acupuncture again at some point, but my acupuncturist has moved farther away and I don't know if I can afford the time for the drive and the appointment. We'll see. Especially if we do decide to TTC again...
I'd say that's a pretty good start right about now. How about you? What do you do to recharge?
Sunday, January 4, 2015
2015 Busy as can be...
Hello!
I just wanted to say hello and let you all know that I am alive and well. This last little while has just flown by. I know people say that all the time, but this month of December was seriously a whirlwind. From Christmas banquets and church services, to visits to a Christmas wonderland and the snow... there were activities galore. We were on our own for Christmas day (so nice!) but family and friends arrived the day after and the fun continued right up until New Year's day.
Now we are slowly settling back to routine and gearing up for a busy winter schedule ahead. I am back to work two days a week. My hubby is about to head off to Cambodia for a trip with our church and I will be on my own (EEK!!!) for two whole weeks. We are filling our calendar with all sorts of fun activities for the boys: swimming, diaper gym, baby group and more. I am trying to get back in shape. AND we may add two additions to our household and host two girls from Korea who are coming to learn English. My oh my, the fun never ends!
The boys are ever so sweet and growing and changing like crazy! I'll do a proper update post as soon as I can, but for now I just wanted to share a couple highlights of these wonderful (walking!!!) boys.
I'll write more soon... I promise!!!
I just wanted to say hello and let you all know that I am alive and well. This last little while has just flown by. I know people say that all the time, but this month of December was seriously a whirlwind. From Christmas banquets and church services, to visits to a Christmas wonderland and the snow... there were activities galore. We were on our own for Christmas day (so nice!) but family and friends arrived the day after and the fun continued right up until New Year's day.
Now we are slowly settling back to routine and gearing up for a busy winter schedule ahead. I am back to work two days a week. My hubby is about to head off to Cambodia for a trip with our church and I will be on my own (EEK!!!) for two whole weeks. We are filling our calendar with all sorts of fun activities for the boys: swimming, diaper gym, baby group and more. I am trying to get back in shape. AND we may add two additions to our household and host two girls from Korea who are coming to learn English. My oh my, the fun never ends!
The boys are ever so sweet and growing and changing like crazy! I'll do a proper update post as soon as I can, but for now I just wanted to share a couple highlights of these wonderful (walking!!!) boys.
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| Christmas PJs (and learning to smile...!) |
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| First time in the snow!!! (Didn't like the cold) |
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| My incredible family! |
I'll write more soon... I promise!!!
Tuesday, November 25, 2014
The end of nursing
It's a rare day that I actually have a chance to sit down and write a little bit. I long to do so more often... but there are always other things that have to come first. The boys are both napping, and I am sipping coffee rather than lying down for a catnap. It's over a year since they've been born, and I still feel the need to nap every single day. Even if it's just for 10 minutes... I have such a hard time getting through the day otherwise. My days start at 6am and end at 10pm, so it feels like two back-to-back 8-hour shifts. The midday closing of the eyes helps me make it through. But it is also my only time "alone" so I want to start taking it back for myself, though some days sleep is the best thing I need.
But that's all beside the point.
The point is, we are officially done nursing. And I feel so mixed about it.
On one hand, I am glad it went very smoothly. I didn't really decide to be done, but we decided to try to cut out bottles more in the daytime, and switch the boys to sippy cups. This encouraged them to drink more milk throughout the daytime. I really was only nursing first thing in the morning. But that nursing session got faster and faster, until they weren't really drinking at all and were only waiting for their cup of milk later on (and the cheerios that go with it). So I experimented giving them a bottle or cup first thing in the morning, and all of a sudden... that's what they want. There were a few days where RJ was waking up in the night when he was sick and I tried to nurse them, to help speed up his recovery. But now, if I show them my breast, they just sort of examine it with a look like, "Yeah, I remember that thing" but they don't care to latch on anymore.
And so I think we're done.
It happened rather abruptly for me. I stopped pumping on their first birthday, but I planned to keep nursing in the morning, and in the daytime or night if they were upset/hurt/in pain for a while longer...maybe until they were 2 years old. I feel like, though, they saw the breast for nourishment, not as much for comfort. And now that they are getting filled elsewhere, they just don't think they need it. They are also busy little boys. They don't want to stop playing to nurse. No thank you mom!
I would do things differently if there were a next time. I transitioned them pretty quickly to cow's milk, though now I realize I didn't really need to. We started giving a bottle as part of the bedtime routine a long time ago, and I wish I would have kept that to be a special nursing time. Also with sleep training, we stopped night nursing a long time ago. But now I miss all those things. All of my other friends with twins are done nursing too. I just don't know if I was quite ready...
There is a part of me that feels like motherhood is about being physically connected to my babies. For 8 months I carried them inside my body. Then I birthed them out of my body. Then for a whole year I sustained their life through my body. It is such an incredible, bonding experience. I guess I am now reframing my definition of motherhood as they (in a small way) detach from me. It's a little bit sad.
Those last few sessions nursing were very precious. RJ had been sick and he cuddled and nursed for almost 20 minutes one time. I won't ever forget those times of cuddles. Overall, I am glad I had such a positive experience with nursing, even though it wasn't always easy. I know I am lucky to have made it this far, and though it's sad, we are onto another chapter which will bring new joys.
But that's all beside the point.
The point is, we are officially done nursing. And I feel so mixed about it.
On one hand, I am glad it went very smoothly. I didn't really decide to be done, but we decided to try to cut out bottles more in the daytime, and switch the boys to sippy cups. This encouraged them to drink more milk throughout the daytime. I really was only nursing first thing in the morning. But that nursing session got faster and faster, until they weren't really drinking at all and were only waiting for their cup of milk later on (and the cheerios that go with it). So I experimented giving them a bottle or cup first thing in the morning, and all of a sudden... that's what they want. There were a few days where RJ was waking up in the night when he was sick and I tried to nurse them, to help speed up his recovery. But now, if I show them my breast, they just sort of examine it with a look like, "Yeah, I remember that thing" but they don't care to latch on anymore.
And so I think we're done.
It happened rather abruptly for me. I stopped pumping on their first birthday, but I planned to keep nursing in the morning, and in the daytime or night if they were upset/hurt/in pain for a while longer...maybe until they were 2 years old. I feel like, though, they saw the breast for nourishment, not as much for comfort. And now that they are getting filled elsewhere, they just don't think they need it. They are also busy little boys. They don't want to stop playing to nurse. No thank you mom!
I would do things differently if there were a next time. I transitioned them pretty quickly to cow's milk, though now I realize I didn't really need to. We started giving a bottle as part of the bedtime routine a long time ago, and I wish I would have kept that to be a special nursing time. Also with sleep training, we stopped night nursing a long time ago. But now I miss all those things. All of my other friends with twins are done nursing too. I just don't know if I was quite ready...
There is a part of me that feels like motherhood is about being physically connected to my babies. For 8 months I carried them inside my body. Then I birthed them out of my body. Then for a whole year I sustained their life through my body. It is such an incredible, bonding experience. I guess I am now reframing my definition of motherhood as they (in a small way) detach from me. It's a little bit sad.
Those last few sessions nursing were very precious. RJ had been sick and he cuddled and nursed for almost 20 minutes one time. I won't ever forget those times of cuddles. Overall, I am glad I had such a positive experience with nursing, even though it wasn't always easy. I know I am lucky to have made it this far, and though it's sad, we are onto another chapter which will bring new joys.
Saturday, November 1, 2014
A day in the life of one year old twins
It's been a while since I've done a "day in the life of" blog post. Now that the boys are one, I thought it would be neat to share what our (hectic) day looks like. This is an example of a day that I am home with the boys alone.
6:00-7:00am - The boys usually wake up within this window (though last night we put them to bed at 7 and they slept through until 7:40am!!!). I go into their room to greet them, and then take turns nursing them while the other one plays with toys in the room. Oh, and the dog joins me to greet the boys first thing every morning.
7:00 - Cheerios and free play. The first thing that RJ does when we leave the room is he goes to the kitchen and points at the cheerios cupboard and whines. Every. Single. Morning. Haha, he is relentless when he wants something. They each get a little cup of cheerios and we go into the living room (where they eat a few and shake most of the rest to the floor for the dog). I set out a few toys, put on some music and they play while I get organized for the morning. I put on the kettle (for tea, then for coffee), empty the dishwasher, make breakfast, try to make some snacks for the day, and currently boil water (we're on a boil water advisory so all our drinking water has to be boiled).
7:30/8:00 - We eat breakfast together. Breakfast normally is a bowl of oatmeal, a shared piece of toast, and some bananna. On days when we have more time we do pancakes, french toast or eggs.
8:00 - Playtime, get dressed, change diapers, and wake up dad (by jumping on him in bed, of course)
8:30/9:00 - By 9:00 the boys are down for their first nap, and usually sleep at least an hour, maybe an hour and a half. This nap usually isn't a problem and they like to cuddle back in bed (so would I). This is my time to get myself organized for the day, so I shower, clean up breakfast, start any laundry for the day and pack up our bag for the day.
10:30 - Once the boys are up, they get a bottle of milk (about 200mLs). We are working to transition them to sippy cups, but they still love their bottles. We change diapers and then usually try to head out to do something before lunch (baby group, StrongStart, groceries, or play at the park). If we don't go out here it makes the day a little long.
12:00 - We aim to come home for lunch by this time and the boys have lunch, play around a little, and then go down for 2nd nap. Lunch typically is sandwich, or crackers with hummus, cheese, veggies, and apple or orange.
1:00/1:30 - Naptime. I usually take a little break here and try to close my eyes for a few minutes at least, but this is also the best time if I need to do any work (emails, phone calls) or prepare dinner.
3:00 - Boys are up and have another bottle of milk (200mls). There are not usually too many activities for one-year olds in the afternoon, so this is where we try to be creative. It's quite a long stretch between now and naptime, so I try to break it up. If it's not pouring rain, we usually go out for a good walk during this time. If it is, we sometimes have someone over, or I have baby help to play with the boys while I do other household chores. Or we go for a drive and go shopping. Their dad usually comes home during this time and joins in the fun.
5:00 - Home for dinner. The boys still eat dinner really early so we don't eat all together, which is something I am looking forward to. They eat much better when we are eating too, but there is just no way I am organized or hungry for our dinner by 5pm. Dinner is usually leftovers from whatever we ate the night before if the boys can eat it. They're a bit more picky right now, but they still like baby mush (jar food), pasta, sometimes squash and sweet potato. Finding ways to serve them meat is the challenge. I hope they soon start to feed themselves too...
5:30/6:00 - After dinner they have their final playtime. These last few hours are the "crazy hours" where they are active, needy, whiny, and just need to burn off energy! A few times we have gone to the park, but since it's fall now, it's usually too dark/wet. All the toys get played with and thrown around until finally it's time to get ready for bed.
6:00/6:30 - Bedtime routine - We only bath them every second night (though they LOVE their bath). Bedtime routine is bath, diaper, PJs, bottle (180mLs formula), story, sleepsac, soother, and bed. They usually go down no problem! Depending on how their last nap went, they usually are asleep by 6:30/7:00. And we are exhausted!!!
But it's not over yet.... I like to do a quick tidy once we put them down so at least the toys are put away. Then we finally eat our dinner. Then it's time to do final dishes cleanup, sweep and mop the floors (they get so dirty every single day from these boys now), prepare food for the next day (usually just planning and pulling out meat), finish drying/folding laundry (it never gets put away on time) and get ready to start all over again in the morning. That usually takes me till 8:30/9:00 when I finally put on the kettle for a cup of tea to enjoy, check my email, and cuddle up to watch some TV. I try to be in bed by 10pm, just in case there are night wakings or an early start.
And that's about it.
As you can see, it is so busy just managing the day-to-day that I still find it tricky to fit in any "extra" chores/jobs/activities. That is something I really want to focus on especially as we come to the new year. I find that all day I am planning and preparing for what is next, but I'd like to be able to just breathe a little bit more and live in the moment. Now that I have started work, there is a whole new dynamic (that I'll write about on a different day). But I do enjoy it all. I love doing all the tasks that keep my family running. I'm still learning how to adjust to this as my "new normal" but I think we're doing a pretty good job at managing so far.
Thoughts? Any suggestions or stories to share about how your day looks?
6:00-7:00am - The boys usually wake up within this window (though last night we put them to bed at 7 and they slept through until 7:40am!!!). I go into their room to greet them, and then take turns nursing them while the other one plays with toys in the room. Oh, and the dog joins me to greet the boys first thing every morning.
7:00 - Cheerios and free play. The first thing that RJ does when we leave the room is he goes to the kitchen and points at the cheerios cupboard and whines. Every. Single. Morning. Haha, he is relentless when he wants something. They each get a little cup of cheerios and we go into the living room (where they eat a few and shake most of the rest to the floor for the dog). I set out a few toys, put on some music and they play while I get organized for the morning. I put on the kettle (for tea, then for coffee), empty the dishwasher, make breakfast, try to make some snacks for the day, and currently boil water (we're on a boil water advisory so all our drinking water has to be boiled).
7:30/8:00 - We eat breakfast together. Breakfast normally is a bowl of oatmeal, a shared piece of toast, and some bananna. On days when we have more time we do pancakes, french toast or eggs.
8:00 - Playtime, get dressed, change diapers, and wake up dad (by jumping on him in bed, of course)
8:30/9:00 - By 9:00 the boys are down for their first nap, and usually sleep at least an hour, maybe an hour and a half. This nap usually isn't a problem and they like to cuddle back in bed (so would I). This is my time to get myself organized for the day, so I shower, clean up breakfast, start any laundry for the day and pack up our bag for the day.
10:30 - Once the boys are up, they get a bottle of milk (about 200mLs). We are working to transition them to sippy cups, but they still love their bottles. We change diapers and then usually try to head out to do something before lunch (baby group, StrongStart, groceries, or play at the park). If we don't go out here it makes the day a little long.
12:00 - We aim to come home for lunch by this time and the boys have lunch, play around a little, and then go down for 2nd nap. Lunch typically is sandwich, or crackers with hummus, cheese, veggies, and apple or orange.
1:00/1:30 - Naptime. I usually take a little break here and try to close my eyes for a few minutes at least, but this is also the best time if I need to do any work (emails, phone calls) or prepare dinner.
3:00 - Boys are up and have another bottle of milk (200mls). There are not usually too many activities for one-year olds in the afternoon, so this is where we try to be creative. It's quite a long stretch between now and naptime, so I try to break it up. If it's not pouring rain, we usually go out for a good walk during this time. If it is, we sometimes have someone over, or I have baby help to play with the boys while I do other household chores. Or we go for a drive and go shopping. Their dad usually comes home during this time and joins in the fun.
5:00 - Home for dinner. The boys still eat dinner really early so we don't eat all together, which is something I am looking forward to. They eat much better when we are eating too, but there is just no way I am organized or hungry for our dinner by 5pm. Dinner is usually leftovers from whatever we ate the night before if the boys can eat it. They're a bit more picky right now, but they still like baby mush (jar food), pasta, sometimes squash and sweet potato. Finding ways to serve them meat is the challenge. I hope they soon start to feed themselves too...
5:30/6:00 - After dinner they have their final playtime. These last few hours are the "crazy hours" where they are active, needy, whiny, and just need to burn off energy! A few times we have gone to the park, but since it's fall now, it's usually too dark/wet. All the toys get played with and thrown around until finally it's time to get ready for bed.
6:00/6:30 - Bedtime routine - We only bath them every second night (though they LOVE their bath). Bedtime routine is bath, diaper, PJs, bottle (180mLs formula), story, sleepsac, soother, and bed. They usually go down no problem! Depending on how their last nap went, they usually are asleep by 6:30/7:00. And we are exhausted!!!
But it's not over yet.... I like to do a quick tidy once we put them down so at least the toys are put away. Then we finally eat our dinner. Then it's time to do final dishes cleanup, sweep and mop the floors (they get so dirty every single day from these boys now), prepare food for the next day (usually just planning and pulling out meat), finish drying/folding laundry (it never gets put away on time) and get ready to start all over again in the morning. That usually takes me till 8:30/9:00 when I finally put on the kettle for a cup of tea to enjoy, check my email, and cuddle up to watch some TV. I try to be in bed by 10pm, just in case there are night wakings or an early start.
And that's about it.
As you can see, it is so busy just managing the day-to-day that I still find it tricky to fit in any "extra" chores/jobs/activities. That is something I really want to focus on especially as we come to the new year. I find that all day I am planning and preparing for what is next, but I'd like to be able to just breathe a little bit more and live in the moment. Now that I have started work, there is a whole new dynamic (that I'll write about on a different day). But I do enjoy it all. I love doing all the tasks that keep my family running. I'm still learning how to adjust to this as my "new normal" but I think we're doing a pretty good job at managing so far.
Thoughts? Any suggestions or stories to share about how your day looks?
Tuesday, October 21, 2014
First Birthday!
My twins turned one this past weekend!!!
If you'd like to check out the pictures/story, you can see them on my blog here:
http://wildislandlove.blogspot.ca/2014/10/the-wild-rumpus.html
Enjoy! I can't believe my little boys are ONE!
If you'd like to check out the pictures/story, you can see them on my blog here:
http://wildislandlove.blogspot.ca/2014/10/the-wild-rumpus.html
Enjoy! I can't believe my little boys are ONE!
Sunday, October 19, 2014
One year old!
The best year of my life. I love you little foxes!
Tuesday, October 14, 2014
Leaving baby time
The twins' first birthday is right around the corner (4 days, to be exact!). Before it passes, I thought I'd take a moment to sit and gather my thoughts about it all.
Tonight is a lovely night. It's 8pm, the boys are in bed, all the chores are done (besides folding laundry), and I'm sipping tea in a house to myself after a busy Thanksgiving weekend. This morning I hired a housecleaner for the first time to deep clean my kitchen. Then, this afternoon a family friend sent her daughter over to be a "mother's helper" and play with the kids while I cooked (turkey leftovers!). My hubby fed the boys dinner while I escaped for a run. Then we put them to bed and that was it. It actually felt way too easy. And then it got me thinking...
This entire year has been a marathon every single day. I know that life with kids is busy, but I think that life with infant twins is a type of busy you just can't explain. All day today I found myself thinking, "what should I be DOING right now." Because, really, there is not ever a single moment to yourself. Even when you have down time, your mind is full of a list of all the things that still need to be done. Always.
I think that this IS parenthood, but I also think that life adapts and adjusts so that it doesn't feel quite as frantic as the first year (or it just changes to a different kind of frantic). Luckily, I enjoy being busy. But just having one day that was "easy" made me realize how busy I really have been. It's probably a good thing for me to start to slow down a little if I can.
The boys are starting to change more rapidly every day. It's not their physical appearance as much, but their personalities and capabilities. It is incredible to watch.
Also, it terrifies me.
For years, we longed and longed to hold a baby in our arms. Though "family" was the long-term focus, the immediate attention was on getting pregnant and having a baby. Then that was achieved. All this year we have lived in that dream, taking care of two miracle babies. And now they are nearly "not" babies anymore. A year changes that. And I really haven't planned or prepared for what is ahead.
I know we will figure out our role and place as we need to, but I feel this urge to make time stop and just "be" in the time we are in right now. People say the first year goes so fast. For me, it didn't. It was hard work. Every day I achieved was a celebration. Every milestone a recognition that we were moving ahead. When I think about the twins turning one, of course I am happy. But there is also a sinking feeling in the pit of my stomach. Is this baby time really almost over? (I know they're still technically "babies" for a while, but toddlerhood is more on the horizon and the one year marker makes me very aware of this).
Despite what we have to celebrate now, I am still struck by the pangs of infertility pain at unexpected times. Somehow, leaving baby time makes me feel like I should have that all resolved. But I don't.
It's not that the first year went too fast... it's just that I don't know if I'm ready for what's ahead.
But, ready or not, here we go.
I'll let you know how it goes ;)
Tonight is a lovely night. It's 8pm, the boys are in bed, all the chores are done (besides folding laundry), and I'm sipping tea in a house to myself after a busy Thanksgiving weekend. This morning I hired a housecleaner for the first time to deep clean my kitchen. Then, this afternoon a family friend sent her daughter over to be a "mother's helper" and play with the kids while I cooked (turkey leftovers!). My hubby fed the boys dinner while I escaped for a run. Then we put them to bed and that was it. It actually felt way too easy. And then it got me thinking...
This entire year has been a marathon every single day. I know that life with kids is busy, but I think that life with infant twins is a type of busy you just can't explain. All day today I found myself thinking, "what should I be DOING right now." Because, really, there is not ever a single moment to yourself. Even when you have down time, your mind is full of a list of all the things that still need to be done. Always.
I think that this IS parenthood, but I also think that life adapts and adjusts so that it doesn't feel quite as frantic as the first year (or it just changes to a different kind of frantic). Luckily, I enjoy being busy. But just having one day that was "easy" made me realize how busy I really have been. It's probably a good thing for me to start to slow down a little if I can.
The boys are starting to change more rapidly every day. It's not their physical appearance as much, but their personalities and capabilities. It is incredible to watch.
Also, it terrifies me.
For years, we longed and longed to hold a baby in our arms. Though "family" was the long-term focus, the immediate attention was on getting pregnant and having a baby. Then that was achieved. All this year we have lived in that dream, taking care of two miracle babies. And now they are nearly "not" babies anymore. A year changes that. And I really haven't planned or prepared for what is ahead.
I know we will figure out our role and place as we need to, but I feel this urge to make time stop and just "be" in the time we are in right now. People say the first year goes so fast. For me, it didn't. It was hard work. Every day I achieved was a celebration. Every milestone a recognition that we were moving ahead. When I think about the twins turning one, of course I am happy. But there is also a sinking feeling in the pit of my stomach. Is this baby time really almost over? (I know they're still technically "babies" for a while, but toddlerhood is more on the horizon and the one year marker makes me very aware of this).
Despite what we have to celebrate now, I am still struck by the pangs of infertility pain at unexpected times. Somehow, leaving baby time makes me feel like I should have that all resolved. But I don't.
It's not that the first year went too fast... it's just that I don't know if I'm ready for what's ahead.
But, ready or not, here we go.
I'll let you know how it goes ;)
Friday, October 3, 2014
Sick babies
My babes are sick for the first real time, since being young (and having stuffy noses). This week has been full on coughing, sneezing, snotty noses, needy, clingy, not wanting to eat, not wanting to sleep...the list goes on. It's been a week of 5:30am wakings, 30 minute naps, and nap protests. This mama is tiiiired! There's been little downtime, and now hubby and I are sick too. I keep expecting life to get easier, but then things like this come along, and show me again how little control I have in a world of babies.
But, amongst it all, there was a glimmer of light. My little MJ learned to say "mama" finally. Sure, he follows me around ALL day like a little puppy pulling on my pant legs and saying "mama, mama." Sure he cried when I left and didn't let dad put him down for nap because he only wanted mama. Sure he wants to be picked up a million times a day and my arms and back are killing me. But I have a sweet little boy who truly loves his mama.
But, amongst it all, there was a glimmer of light. My little MJ learned to say "mama" finally. Sure, he follows me around ALL day like a little puppy pulling on my pant legs and saying "mama, mama." Sure he cried when I left and didn't let dad put him down for nap because he only wanted mama. Sure he wants to be picked up a million times a day and my arms and back are killing me. But I have a sweet little boy who truly loves his mama.
Friday, September 19, 2014
Being a mom
I don't know who reads this blog much anymore. If there is anyone reading who is still in the TTC trenches. If there is, this may be a post you want to skip... maybe. :)
Giving birth to children and becoming a mother are life changing events... there is no doubt about it. As I have written about before, for me, the transition was not seamless, despite the incredible love I have for my children. I struggled (and still do) to make sense of my new identity, to reconcile the hurt and pain from years in the trenches, and to adapt to my new role. And now, nearly a year in, I find that role changing once again.
My boys are no longer completely dependent little babies. Yes, they still are little. They still are babies. And they still depend on me. But now entirely like they did when they were one month old. They are branching out in their little world, discovering what it means to be apart from "mom" for a period of time, and learning things like how to move, to communicate, and to eat on their own. This transformation is truly incredible.
As I wrote about in this post, I, too, am branching out, back to the life that was put on hold when these little beings entered my life. And just as they face separation anxiety being away from me, so I face anxiety being away from them and trying to find my way in a land that is familiar and yet so different.
So much changes in one year with children.
I am not the same counsellor who left my job a year ago.
I am not the same friend I was before I had children.
I am not the same wife who lived childless with my husband for 8 years before these boys entered our lives.
I think it is only natural to feel anxious.
I haven't yet figured out how to really enjoy life "on my own" again. My best (and hardest) moments are when I am with my children.
I. Love. Being. Their. Mom. SOOOOO. Much.
It's all I really want to do right now.
I anticipate the milestone next month with a bit of trepidation. In some ways, I want things to stay exactly as they are right now forever. I know that can't be.
But I just want to hold on a little longer. I'm not quite ready to move ahead just yet.
Giving birth to children and becoming a mother are life changing events... there is no doubt about it. As I have written about before, for me, the transition was not seamless, despite the incredible love I have for my children. I struggled (and still do) to make sense of my new identity, to reconcile the hurt and pain from years in the trenches, and to adapt to my new role. And now, nearly a year in, I find that role changing once again.
My boys are no longer completely dependent little babies. Yes, they still are little. They still are babies. And they still depend on me. But now entirely like they did when they were one month old. They are branching out in their little world, discovering what it means to be apart from "mom" for a period of time, and learning things like how to move, to communicate, and to eat on their own. This transformation is truly incredible.
As I wrote about in this post, I, too, am branching out, back to the life that was put on hold when these little beings entered my life. And just as they face separation anxiety being away from me, so I face anxiety being away from them and trying to find my way in a land that is familiar and yet so different.
So much changes in one year with children.
I am not the same counsellor who left my job a year ago.
I am not the same friend I was before I had children.
I am not the same wife who lived childless with my husband for 8 years before these boys entered our lives.
I think it is only natural to feel anxious.
I haven't yet figured out how to really enjoy life "on my own" again. My best (and hardest) moments are when I am with my children.
I. Love. Being. Their. Mom. SOOOOO. Much.
It's all I really want to do right now.
I anticipate the milestone next month with a bit of trepidation. In some ways, I want things to stay exactly as they are right now forever. I know that can't be.
But I just want to hold on a little longer. I'm not quite ready to move ahead just yet.
Thursday, September 18, 2014
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